TTC but hubby no longer wants to.

karmalin

Hey guys! Pretty new here. Me & my husband have been TTC for over a year now. Beginning of this year, he terribly wanted to have children. But now he's the total opposite. We started having sex less & less. Whenever I tell him I'm ovulating, he will make the excuse that he's too exhausted from work. What's the deal! I've been going to my GYN to find out whats going on with me that I'm having trouble conceiving (I have a 7 y/o son from a precious relationship). I'm fine. & drs wanted to run sperm analysis tests but he doesn't want to do that either. Ladies, is there any way I can try to deal with this? Any tips, ideas to help? I'm so depressed that everyone I know, is preggo, except me! I can't be around them without wishing I was pregnant too. Please help!

riveridgional

Do you think maybe he is starting to feel too much pressure and is worried and scared it's him due to your prior child? I would maybe see if you can get him to open up. This process is also extremely difficult for our DH's and can really give them insecurities too. I was/am the one with the fertility issues, and it is so easy to internalize and blame yourself for the struggles. Based on that, I can only imagine it has be nerve-racking to take an SA and a huge blow to you ego to find out there is an issue with your sperm. Maybe just tell him you've realized he's been distant around O and ask if he's okay, how he's feeling about everything and if there is anything you can do to make him feel better. If it turns out he is feeling insecure about his own fertility (and assuming it's true), I would make sure to tell him that it's you and him no matter what and that it's not going to change how you feel about him. Whenever I would internalize our issues, DH was always give me a great pep talk about how much he loved me and how he would still choose me had we known before marriage I would have issues conceiving. Possibly taking a break or telling him you are willing to do so may help him (way easier said than done, I know). Also, going to see an infertility counselor may help you both communicate about your feelings and better understand what each of you is feeling.

I think the important thing here is trying to figure out and understand how he's feeling about your struggles and why he's feeling that way. Then, maybe you can figure out the next step on how to proceed and/or make him feel better.

Good luck!

GoldenKeys

Welcome, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this.   There are a lot of possible reasons why your DH could be acting this way, from a simple fear of doctors, to concern about his own masculinity, to performance anxiety for "sex on demand", to something completely unrelated to TTC that makes him rethink having children right away.   He is the only one who can tell you the real truth. 

I wouldn't pressure him to TTC at this point, but rather try the best you can to make it easy for him to talk about what is going on.  Conceiving can be highly stressful for both partners, and men can sometimes feel like they're being treated like a stud (and not in a GOOD way) which can be a real de-motivator.

At the very least, I would stop telling him when I was ovulating and try to just have more regular sex both in and out of the fertile window.  He doesn't need to know everything about what is happening for ovulation (if he's still interested in TTC that is).

starlitfae

I agree with PP - pressuring him would, IMHO, make him feel resentful.  Discussion is good.  I know my DH didn't realize until he did some research how common MF problems are, so he felt embarrassed about it when it began to look like his count was our problem.  Maybe your DH is having a similar thought process?

If your insurance covers it, or if you guys can afford it, maybe you two can talk to a councelor?  Not because of a problem necessarily, but I have personally found that it is better to have an impartial third party in the room.  They can tell me when I may be overreacting or unfair, and at the same time tell DH things I am not good at explaining.  And TTC is such a sensitive issue, it may be helpful  

kwetsell

So sorry you are going through this. I agree with the others who posted- there's a lot that could possibly be going on with him. I know the pressure to perform perfectly so conception can happen is really stressful for me... I can imagine it would be even harder for a guy. Plus, if he's like my husband he doesn't really process his feelings... he just avoids things and sometimes doesn't even know why he is feeling what he is feeling. 

Do what would make him feel comfortable and appreciated- maybe a date night or a small gift- and carve out some time to reconnect and talk about what's going on in a non-threatening way. Maybe even put TTC on the back burner for a bit and resolve this issue. 

My husband is a smart guy and we've been married for 10 years...so he knows about my reproductive issues and medical complications. Still, when we started talking about TTC he was super excited about us "having sex twice a day, every day." Well, obviously there's no need to have sex everyday of the month when there's only a small window of ovulation. Plus, because of my issues, sometimes sex can be painful for me. He knows all this, but he heard what he wanted to hear. I wonder if something similar could be going on with your DH. Sometimes it's hard when reality sets in. 

Big hugs to you... keep us updated!

weebitfluffy

I don't have any advise to add but I too know the feeling of a husband not wanting to try when you want to.