SO's mom rant long

Addy1227

You guys are probably tired of these by now so I apologize but I really need to get this out. Feel free to tell me I'm over reacting!

I had my baby girl Thursday afternoon, yay! My sister stayed with my toddler while we were in labor and delivery and then at the end of the day my mom stayed with me and my SO went home with DS to try and keep some normalcy. We had the same plan for Friday night but I was super over tired and emotional and just wanted SO with me. His mom offered to take DS home and stay at our house with him so we agreed. All very nice, right?

Wrong! The woman has been trying to get a sleep over with him for as long as I can remember but I'm just not comfortable with it yet and have told her no on various occasions. Well guess who used this as an opportunity to have their first sleep over and didn't even tell me! I even asked her how everything was going and she never mentioned once that they were at her house. So I had absolutely no idea where my child was!!

She completely went behind my back and took advantage of the situation. I found out as we were leaving the hospital because my SO goes ohhh by the way he stayed at my mom's. I'm sorry what?! I guess she texted him to tell him but she knew his phone was dead.

That was not the plan and I would have never agreed to it and she knew it. Who in their right mind takes a kid for a sleep over without telling the mother?!.. Someone who knows the mom would say no! I am so livid. She has some serious control and boundary issues and this was just a slap in the face and shows she has zero respect for what I want. Now I have to find a way to calmly talk to SO about this so we're on the same page and we can talk to his mom because at this rate sleep overs with her will never happen. She usually takes him Sat mornings and I'm about to stop that as well until she can respect me and my decisions.

mrs14678

Yeah, definitely set up boundaries!!!! Lying is no basis for a continuing trusting relationship!!

ammnam14

I guess I'm the odd ball out here but I see nothing wrong with this situation. Is there a reason you don't want your son going to her house? Do you have any reason to believe she'll harm him or put him in danger? To me it sounds like she was doing you all a favor.

Addy1227

@ammnam14 oh don't get me wrong she definitely did us a favor and I'm very thankful she could especially since it was last minute but to me she took advantage. He's 2 well almost 3, and he's never had a sleep over so I'm not just singling her out. It's just something I'm not comfortable with yet, not even with my own family. She said she was taking him to our house and then didn't, she took him to hers without asking or telling me and I feel like that was wrong.

celainev

If it was my kid with my parents and inlaw, I'd have no problem if they took them to their house, if I knew they were watching them anyways.

I feel like we're missing some details. Why do you have such a problem with your SO's mom's house?

LaceyH13

I am with the other posters. This is your son's grandmother, right? And he presumably has been to her house before since they spend time together, right? Maybe they got to your house, he was having a lot of trouble missing mom and dad, and she made the best of it by making it more of an adventure - is something like this possible? I would focus more on being thankful that she was there for you so your DH could stay with you than where he slept for one night. Surely one night at grandma's won't affect him much, unless she has some sort of issue that you haven't shared with us. Sounds to me like you might not have liked it, but nobody else is too concerned about it.

GalLaura

I can understand this completely. My mil lives 3 hours away and is always trying to take my son. I'm not ready and don't want him so far from me. I can see how this upset you. She knew your wishes and went against them when you couldn't know what was happening. I'd be upset too

mrs14678

Yeah, the issue, from what I understand, is just that she defied your wishes and you didn't know where your kid was. Right?

ACarter0914

I feel like I'm missing something here.

dec15mum

Nah I'd be mad too, it's lovely she done you a favour but she went behind your back and that's wrong- you're his mother. I would talk with her and say although you're grateful for watching him on short notice it's really not on for her to take him elsewhere without consulting you. It's only making you trust her less.
Definitely set boundaries

groovylocks

Ahhhh..... So. A few things here don't make sense. One is why you're not ok with him having sleepovers with nanna. I can see why "sleepovers" are kind of a worry for you but sleeping at grandma's house seems less like a sleepover and more like... well... sleeping at grandma's house. I mean, are you worried that she won't hold him to all the rules and safety measures you keep in your own home? I get that. But you'll have rules and safety measures in place for your LO until he leaves home as an adult and at some point you have to realize he's going to go to all kinds of homes where all kinds of things are done that you might not totally agree with. And there comes a point where you just have to kind of let it go and hope for the best.

The other thing i don't understand is why SO's mom took him to her house when she said she was taking him to yours. Regardless of whether or not your rule is reasonable (and i don't have enough information to make that call) it's YOUR rule and if she has plans to break it, she at LEAST owes you an explanation.

Those two things together are equally puzzling to me.

angbrienza

I would be upset about not knowing where my kid was sleeping for sure. But I don't see the difference between a sleepover at our house or a sleepover at her house. hes still under her care, regardless of where. She shouldn't have snuck and I wouldn't have liked that. But I think the rule is a little backwards. If he's ready to have a sleepover with his grandma, it shouldn't matter who's house, especially if she's doing you a favour. She totally should have asked though.

Bombmom3

I have a manipulative MIL and I totally see why you are angry about this. She has known you aren't ok with him staying over at her house (whatever your reasoning) and used this as the opportune moment to do what she's wanted to do for quite sometime. My MIL would likely pull something similar and then be horribly hurt and offended if I said anything about it after the fact (she is like that). The crux of the matter here isn't that you aren't comfortable with sleep overs - it's that she *KNEW* you aren't ok with it because she has asked numerous times, acted like she was staying at your house and then went ahead and did the thing she knew you wouldn't agree to. I'd be so mad I'd probably tell her she wasn't allowed unsupervised time with my kids any more. But that's if it was a stunt pulled by my MIL, not sure how bad it is or isn't with yours.

kristen2b

It doesn't matter why she's not ok with it. Bottom line is mil was supposed to be babysitting at the kid's house and instead took him to her house without telling anyone. All the while knowing that he wasn't allowed to do sleepovers yet. That's some sneaky business. I'd be pissed too.

groovylocks

kristen2b said:

It doesn't matter why she's not ok with it. Bottom line is mil was supposed to be babysitting at the kid's house and instead took him to her house without telling anyone. All the while knowing that he wasn't allowed to do sleepovers yet. That's some sneaky business. I'd be pissed too.

Yeah. I mean i'm curious about op's position on this but for MIL to do this without any explanation beforehand ("kid really wants to come over, is it ok?" "house flooded, no other choice" etc) seems underhanded.

rachel10488

I can definitely understand your frustrations about her going behind your back. That wasn't right.
But from another perspective sometimes we should put ourselves in our MIL's shoes. I'm very close with my mom, before now her only grandbabies have been from my brothers and their wives. I can't tell you how many times my mom has been hurt and crying because my SIL acted like she didn't trust her kids staying over my moms house...and this is when their oldest was 1 year old. If she went on that way till she was 3 my mom would have been devastated. Granted, I don't know your situation or your MIL and if there's some reason you don't trust her but experiencing it through MY mom's eyes, who was a wonderful and dedicated mother and even more devoted grandmother who would bend over backwards for her DIL and my brother, it was extremely hurtful when they wouldn't "allow" their child to stay at her house...like she was some kind of monster.
Anyways, it's all in perspective!

P.S. Now that eldest girl is almost 7 with three younger brothers and they dump them at my parents house without a second thought every weekend haha Sometimes my mom will have the kids and not hear from their parents and be calling them like "umm when are you coming to get them?" So maybe these apprehensions change once you have more than one kid.

kristen2b

rachel10488 said:

I can definitely understand your frustrations about her going behind your back. That wasn't right.
But from another perspective sometimes we should put ourselves in our MIL's shoes. I'm very close with my mom, before now her only grandbabies have been from my brothers and their wives. I can't tell you how many times my mom has been hurt and crying because my SIL acted like she didn't trust her kids staying over my moms house...and this is when their oldest was 1 year old. If she went on that way till she was 3 my mom would have been devastated. Granted, I don't know your situation or your MIL and if there's some reason you don't trust her but experiencing it through MY mom's eyes, who was a wonderful and dedicated mother and even more devoted grandmother who would bend over backwards for her DIL and my brother, it was extremely hurtful when they wouldn't "allow" their child to stay at her house...like she was some kind of monster.
Anyways, it's all in perspective!

P.S. Now that eldest girl is almost 7 with three younger brothers and they dump them at my parents house without a second thought every weekend haha Sometimes my mom will have the kids and not hear from their parents and be calling them like "umm when are you coming to get them?" So maybe these apprehensions change once you have more than one kid.

Bet your mom never would have gone behind your SILs back to get her way.

stlmomof2

Did your DH know about this and ok it??? Just wondering. Because my DH would tell my MIL it's ok for the LO to stay at her place even knowing my feelings on a certain situation.

LaceyH13

I wondered if your husband knew about it as well and told her it was okay anyway. From the original description it didn't sound like he was too upset by the situation. Especially if you feel like the two of you aren't currently on the same page about it.

OP - did you post and ghost on us?

rachel10488

kristen2b said:

rachel10488 said:

I can definitely understand your frustrations about her going behind your back. That wasn't right.
But from another perspective sometimes we should put ourselves in our MIL's shoes. I'm very close with my mom, before now her only grandbabies have been from my brothers and their wives. I can't tell you how many times my mom has been hurt and crying because my SIL acted like she didn't trust her kids staying over my moms house...and this is when their oldest was 1 year old. If she went on that way till she was 3 my mom would have been devastated. Granted, I don't know your situation or your MIL and if there's some reason you don't trust her but experiencing it through MY mom's eyes, who was a wonderful and dedicated mother and even more devoted grandmother who would bend over backwards for her DIL and my brother, it was extremely hurtful when they wouldn't "allow" their child to stay at her house...like she was some kind of monster.
Anyways, it's all in perspective!

P.S. Now that eldest girl is almost 7 with three younger brothers and they dump them at my parents house without a second thought every weekend haha Sometimes my mom will have the kids and not hear from their parents and be calling them like "umm when are you coming to get them?" So maybe these apprehensions change once you have more than one kid.

Bet your mom never would have gone behind your SILs back to get her way.

Very true. My mom would have been way too afraid she'd never see her grandkids again. She used to walk on eggshells around my SIL

rmarie13

I don't think you're overreacting and I clearly see the difference in having her watch him overnight at your house vs her house. My mom was super protective of us and wouldn't let us sleepover until a certain age. She had her reasons and I remember her mother sleeping on our couch... Yes our couch... Because my mom felt more comfortable leaving us alone while she worked a night shift rather than letting us sleep at someone else's house and that worried my grandma. This was her own mother so imagine how she was with everyone else!
She should respect you as a mother and the choices you make for your children. Sounds like a selfish woman who, unfortunately, you probably won't get through to. Stand your ground and make sure she know how betrayed you feel. Maybe if you let her know that now you can't trust her she'll get it.

MegStark

Regardless of OPs reasoning, MIL took the child and spent the night somewhere other than what was agreed to without asking or getting approval. That's not cool. I'd be furious.

kristen2b

She said the mom texted knowing that dh's phone was dead.

Addy1227 said:

She completely went behind my back and took advantage of the situation. I found out as we were leaving the hospital because my SO goes ohhh by the way he stayed at my mom's. I'm sorry what?! I guess she texted him to tell him but she knew his phone was dead.

Addy1227

Sorry, I didn't ghost post! Things have been hectic since I got home. Between a toddler who won't sleep and a gassy baby someone is always crying!

My main issue is that she went behind my back to do it knowing that I didn't want sleepovers yet. She was at the hospital and knew SOs phone was dead but texted him anyway. She obviously never got a response and didn't even try texting me meanwhile i texted her asking how things were going and she never mentioned that she went straight to her house. SO didn't like that she did it but figures what's done is done.

I think he is too young for sleepovers in general, just my opinion, I mean I can barely get him to sleep here half the time. One of the reasons I don't want them at her house is i'm not a fan of her long time boyfriend and she has a tendency to completely ignore my wishes. She'll even ask me something and do it anyway figuring I just won't mind because it already happened. Now I know grandparents are the fun ones and the stuff that bothers me is more than just eating dessert first or things like that. I just feel like she doesn't respect me or my parenting and just does as she pleases.

celainev

Addy1227 said:

Sorry, I didn't ghost post! Things have been hectic since I got home. Between a toddler who won't sleep and a gassy baby someone is always crying!

My main issue is that she went behind my back to do it knowing that I didn't want sleepovers yet. She was at the hospital and knew SOs phone was dead but texted him anyway. She obviously never got a response and didn't even try texting me meanwhile i texted her asking how things were going and she never mentioned that she went straight to her house. SO didn't like that she did it but figures what's done is done.

I think he is too young for sleepovers in general, just my opinion, I mean I can barely get him to sleep here half the time. One of the reasons I don't want them at her house is i'm not a fan of her long time boyfriend and she has a tendency to completely ignore my wishes. She'll even ask me something and do it anyway figuring I just won't mind because it already happened. Now I know grandparents are the fun ones and the stuff that bothers me is more than just eating dessert first or things like that. I just feel like she doesn't respect me or my parenting and just does as she pleases.

This is understandable then. I may not agree with your sleepover rule, but I never got from your first post that your SO's mom commonly did this.

At the same time, I would probably let it go. Like you said, you have more important things now to worry about. Let grandma know that she has to tell you when she takes your DS somewhere, explain that it caused you some anxiety. She may not understand but at least you can tell her next time that you did tell her. But other than that, I'd let it go. My MIL is super crazy... Super sweet, but super crazy. I find it easier to let go of the crazy things she does because it causes my life too much stress to dwell on it.

Bombmom3

" She'll even ask me something and do it anyway figuring I just won't mind because it already happened. Now I know grandparents are the fun ones and the stuff that bothers me is more than just eating dessert first or things like that. I just feel like she doesn't respect me or my parenting and just does as she pleases."

^^This. My MIL is the queen of "it already happened so why are you upset about it". That is so damned frustrating it makes me want to put a fist through a wall and makes me never ever want her to be alone with my kids because I can't trust her to keep my kids on a schedule or keep them from doing things I'm not comfortable with.

I hope you stand your ground on this one and say something to her about it. It isn't right that she did that when she knew exactly how you felt about it.

LaceyH13

chaelainev said:

Addy1227 said:

Sorry, I didn't ghost post! Things have been hectic since I got home. Between a toddler who won't sleep and a gassy baby someone is always crying!

My main issue is that she went behind my back to do it knowing that I didn't want sleepovers yet. She was at the hospital and knew SOs phone was dead but texted him anyway. She obviously never got a response and didn't even try texting me meanwhile i texted her asking how things were going and she never mentioned that she went straight to her house. SO didn't like that she did it but figures what's done is done.

I think he is too young for sleepovers in general, just my opinion, I mean I can barely get him to sleep here half the time. One of the reasons I don't want them at her house is i'm not a fan of her long time boyfriend and she has a tendency to completely ignore my wishes. She'll even ask me something and do it anyway figuring I just won't mind because it already happened. Now I know grandparents are the fun ones and the stuff that bothers me is more than just eating dessert first or things like that. I just feel like she doesn't respect me or my parenting and just does as she pleases.

This is understandable then. I may not agree with your sleepover rule, but I never got from your first post that your SO's mom commonly did this.

At the same time, I would probably let it go. Like you said, you have more important things now to worry about. Let grandma know that she has to tell you when she takes your DS somewhere, explain that it caused you some anxiety. She may not understand but at least you can tell her next time that you did tell her. But other than that, I'd let it go. My MIL is super crazy... Super sweet, but super crazy. I find it easier to let go of the crazy things she does because it causes my life too much stress to dwell on it.

I can understand this, too, even though it seems like it is something that stresses you out but not anybody else. She should have gotten the okay. I hope you guys can work through this so that future situations aren't as frustrating. I think having grandma around to help out is beneficial for all parties involved, but she shouldn't do things if you are uncomfortable with it. Maybe you can use this opportunity to work through it rather than just cut it off completely (after you have taken time to calm down, of course, and hopefully after an apology from her!)

redfallon

I have a two year old. She has never spent the night at anyone's house without us. OP said that her sister stayed with her DS at his house and that's what MIL agreed to do, also, to stay with him in his own house. Instead she took him to her house. I'd be pissed, too. You don't take someone's kid somewhere without letting them know and lying about it and not getting in touch with them to let them know where their child is.

nik6499

I guess I don't get it either, the not being allowed to sleep at grandmas house part. I get the taking my kid somewhere without telling me part that would piss me off. My daughter sleeps over at my parents all the time. I'm grateful as ass my parents take her all the time and she loves her nights at their house.

MegStark

I let DD (she's 2) stay at my parents house and not my inlaws without us. I have my reasons, but that's beside the point. I'd be mad if either my parents or my inlaws agreed to stay at our house with her then took her somewhere else. How are you supposed to trust that person again?

kristen2b

MegStark said:

I let DD (she's 2) stay at my parents house and not my inlaws without us. I have my reasons, but that's beside the point. I'd be mad if either my parents or my inlaws agreed to stay at our house with her then took her somewhere else. How are you supposed to trust that person again?

Exactly this. Even though my DD stays with my mom overnight (the only person she's ever stayed the night with) i'd still be ticked if when I'm in the hospital under the impression they're at my house that they ended up being at her house and I wasn't told.