Unbelievable.

carrieandr

There was an Unpopular Opinion thread on my bmb and several people said that they thought women that miscarried should leave quietly instead of posting a goodbye because it makes miscarriage "seem" common and it makes them nervous. ...Because when you miscarry, your primary concern should be how your loss might make others uncomfortable? Smh.

msuzannah

I saw this and found it upsetting as well... While I am not telling people because I don't like informing people who I don't care for their opinion I think we should be able to openly post about a miscarriage. This is a public form where they can gain support from other moms. I also wonder if she realizes how common it is... My doctor told me that it's actually 50% of pregnancies that end in miscarriage it's just majority of them happen before you even know you are pregnant. Yes it's scary to see so many go through miscarriages but it's life.

purplefan1

That makes me incredibly sad that someone would be so thoughtless. Women join these boards for support and no one starts a BMB thinking they are going to miscarry. They join to be a part of a community. So the women who feel uncomfortable with it think those women who miscarry should just disappear??

I think this perpetuates the silence so many people expect women to have in the first trimester. Don't tell us your pregnant so we won't have to feel sad/uncomfortable if you then tell us you miscarry. It's less about the woman's needs and more about society just not wanting to acknowledge reality. With miscarriage being at least 20% and up to 50% in the first trimester (chemical pregnancies where some might not know they are pregnant or have just gotten a positive) maybe BMB shouldn't even start until that birth month is in the second trimester.

(That last part was said with angry sarcasm)

Many of the women who have had to say goodbye have explained their losses. Some had complications, some were high risk, some had bleeding, etc. I think it takes some of the mystery out of miscarriage when you know that often times you do see signs that something isn't going right (not always, but sometimes). It should also remind us to cherish our pregnancies while they are here. None of us are guaranteed a full healthy pregnancy. Be thankful for what you have while you have it.

spatter1

This makes my heart hurt. Isn't there enough fear and shame in miscarriage? Women should support each other instead of bringing them down. When I miscarried I found more comfort on these boards than with my friends and family because I knew I was talking to people who understood and I felt safe sharing my complicated and sometimes seemingly irrational feelings with people on here.

We had a similar unpopular opinion on my board several months ago that said women who miscarry early in the pregnancy (first trimester basically) shouldn't name their babies and shouldn't refer to those babies by name in public because it was barely even a baby and just makes others uncomfortable. Umm excuse me?! And this came from someone who said she had a miscarriage therefore she felt she was "allowed" to have this opinion. I was SO mad. I found the statement so insensitive. First of all, miscarriage is miscarriage regardless of when it happens. I can see how it might be even more painful the later it happens, but that does not take away from women like myself who miscarry earlier on. And personally, I did not name my angel baby, but I would NEVER judge anyone for doing so. How can you judge someone for how they handle and cope with miscarriage when you've been through it and know how hard it is? I would never judge or comment on how someone chooses to cope unless maybe it was self destructive or dangerous behavior which I don't think naming your baby is!

Ugh just makes me so upset thinking about it. So glad to have this group.

jacobsone2

What?! I found this board and the miscarriage board to have the most supportive women. The ladies that haven't had a loss just do not understand.

mommaseal

This makes me angry.

Plleriti1

I think that's gross. And insensitive. And just not ok. Yuck.

jacobsone2

Oh and I was on the first trimester board and the way they talk to each other sometimes is crazy. So I did a post about being supportive and they didn't like it and it got shut down lol

So I'm not going back

MeganWorden

I saw that post also. As a person how has had to post a couple goodbyes, I was pretty hurt by the comments. I have found so much support from the ladies on the loss boards and I would not have found them at all if someone did not recommend them to me on my goodbye posts. So very hurtful.  

PlainJane8350

That's why I never went into my BMB. I found the women to be mean girls, too. I'm sure the above comment, meaning the one you posted about, was based on fear..but comments on my BMB in general made me hope that these women would either become nicer with motherhood or at least not teach their kids to react to people the way that they did. Yikes!

carrieandr

All of your comments made me feel so much better.  It hurt to read those things on the bmb thread.  The fact that multiple people said it made me wonder what my first bmb thought of me when I posted my goodbye.  I didn't understand the emotional effect of miscarriage before I had one, but I still offered sympathy to others that had them.  The fact that those girls didn't want to see the goodbyes because it made them nervous shows that they know it would be awful.  How selfish of them to think of themselves when other people are dealing with loss.  The TTC After 35, Miscarriage, TTCAL and PGAL boards are all great.  Perhaps age or experience will help some of those bmb girls learn empathy and kindness.

rkrichey

Wow. Just wow. I have no words. At least no nice words.

ssnova

*lurker TTC* 

 I haven't read the thread being talked about here but I have read others like it. Im so sorry @CarrieandRoy, it amazes me how nasty some of these women can be. I have noticed there always seems to be two or three women that set the "rules" for everyone else. its just sad. thats not what I thought these boards would be like.

...the "loss" boards are a wonderful support, as well the women on them. Thank you ladies for giving hope and standing together. wishing you all the best.

bntfroggie

Same thing happened on our BMB, they successfully got shut down very quickly.  I love my BMB, some of the ladies are a little out there but it is a great resource and nice to know so many women have got your back.

carrieandr

Maybe after a while, I will like it more. I'm not a fan of the rules that @ssnova referred to. I'm tired of seeing people being corrected on where to post things, or for posting something that was mentioned by someone else a week ago on a different thread. One thing is for sure -- I'm not looking at unpopular opinion threads anymore.

susykat77

****lurking****

I was going through a miscarriage during that UO post (still lurking on my BMB because it hasn't quite sunk in that I no longer belong there)... It was really hurtful to read that post but I was thankful for the women who spoke up in my/our defense. 

msuzannah

I'm really tempted to post on the fffc about it... But I hate starting drama with stupid people. I can't remember the exact quote but it's something like "never argue with an idiot because they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"

msuzannah

I should edit to say not everyone on that board is rude and not all of them are idiots I just don't always agree with what's said and would rather not start drama

ssnova

@msuzannah that's so very true about the arguing, I've felt the urge to post things but I don't because think they would enjoy the confrontation to much. @CarrieandRoy I completely agree after my loss I went back to my BMB (I know big no no) and this one mom was being picked on by 6 or 7 different women because she posted a photo of her bump in a new thread and not where everyone else did...that's crazy! Who cares. These women have no clue how bad things can be in a pregnancy and should be grateful that all they have to be upset about is that the "rules" haven't been follow...

tennisbabymama

I'm on your BMB and somehow missed that one. I think before my loss I didn't fully understand a lot of things so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that they just don't understand, and hopefully they won't have to. When I miscarried, it really bothered me how taboo the subject of miscarriage was. Sooo many people have had them but you would never know because it's such a hush subject. I think it's something that should be talked about and not ignored like it doesn't happen, because it does, a lot. It's just reality. And to understand that and see women go through it with strength and see them come out on the other side is amazing. It's a reminder that, heaven forbid, that should ever happen to you, there is hope.

carrieandr

@susykat77, I'm so sad that you're going through this right now. And I'm sorry you saw those insensitive comments. Thankfully the Miscarriage and TTCAL boards have lovely, supportive people. I wish I could offer you more than words. Maybe a really good dvd, a fuzzy blanket and a chocolate milkshake. Take care of yourself.

Serpica

and that's why i stick to the PGAL threads mostly .... 

(obviously I made an exception here  

purplefan1

@susykat77 you having to experience that makes me even angrier it was said in the first place. My UO is that some people are entirely too self centered and while I would never wish a miscarriage on ANYONE, I would wish that some of these women would have an eye opening moment that would create more empathy within them.

My heart goes out to you. Please let us know if there is any way we can support you right now. Big hugs!

alitria

I haven't even BEEN to my bmb this time because I feel so much more comfortable here.  I know fear and worry do not bring out the best in people but that whole line of thinking is ridiculous.  You don't want to hear bad news because you don't want to think it could happen to you? Seriously?  We live in a world where people rely far too much on "magical thinking" to keep them safe.  "Oh, I never had a miscarriage because I did everything right! I never had a cup of coffee or a piece of sushi or took a cold pill."  The sad fact that the women here know is that sometimes, bad things are arbitrary, and we are not in control. But if it hasn't happened to you, it's hard to understand.

orangecrayon

Coming in from July 2016..

I had my iud removed in late July and finally got a period in Sept 7 and we were finally pregnant in Oct! 6 weeks in we lost the baby, just as my husband had told his mom/my mom that we were loosing the baby (they never knew we were pregnant) my SIL announced her pregnancy. We shared the due date. Instead of being sympathetic she was so insulting and told me that 1) my baby was planned and that's why it didn't last 2) her baby wasn't planned and God wanted her to be pregnant 3) she's doing everything right to be pregnant. Cause I have a son and I shouldn't tend to him.

I was so shocked with her lack of compassion and her words that I haven't really spoken to her since. She's been so naive as to what to expect during the pregnancy. At some point I was around and she was complaining loss of hair, I told her it's normal during this time and she's like "my dr and google said it should get thicker, it's really concerning - im making a dr appointment" and I told her 'that's understandable but not everything you read online about pregnancies is true, everything is totally different with each person..and it's like I didn't exist because I lost my pregnancy.

In the July board, not only did they get offended when she said her goodbye they got offended because some girls we're stating their symptoms were minor which were freaking them out. Some are FTM's and expected to have morning sickness and they don't, some only have sore breasts and headaches..but no they were also upset when they posted about that.

Sure everyone's pregnancy symptoms are different but just because we each experience it in a different way that wasn't written about in every book shouldn't determine whether or not we can discuss it on a public forum. The point is to support each other. I barely have symptoms after my miscarriage now and I am always nervous but those posts make it seem like I'm not welcome enough to post my opinions and symptoms..

purplefan1

I'm glad you are here @orangecrayon