SO Vent No support

amye02

I just need to be honest since I can not vent this IRL. I have been beyond frustrated with my fiancé the last few weeks. I feel totally unsupported, he isn't helping getting anything together for LO's arrival and suddenly I am "not treating him well". Last night we got into a HUGE fight over him not immediately cleaning up dog pee (which happened because he ignored the dog's cues). In the midst of the ensuing argument he said "why couldn't you get off your lazy ass and clean it?". When I ask for help on a specific chore I feel resented (huge sigh or "not right now" or flat out "why can't you do it". I don't ask for help explicitly and I am not communicating. I have been a hormonal mess, and I admit that I have said on numerous occasions that he can just leave, that he clearly doesn't want this. I am MEAN when angry. The stress has gotten so bad that I told him I am not allowing him in the room for L&D.

Sorry this is so long but I REALLY need some support ladies. I'm starting to get the feeling that I am going to be raising this baby on my own.

ATolentino89

My husband gets like this sometimes. He will leave stuff all over the house then get mad when it's all messy looking or if he has no clean pants to wear. I usually break down and cry/yell at him every 6 months or so telling him I need help. It's the same circle, but it works for a while. I hope your situation gets better!!

thatgirlree24

Sometimes guys suck. That's just the truth of it. They've never been pregnant and can't understand the hormonal changes let alone physical changes we go thru to birth a child. Maybe you guys can try some counseling or letting him know it's bothering you but without it coming off like you're attacking him. I'm completely the same about being mean when I'm pissed so I know how you feel.. Hopefully things get better for you guys

ealiska

I think sometimes guys don't even realize what they're doing in the moment. A couple weeks ago DH gave me a legit hard time about not being more social. Over thanksgiving his little cousin complained to him that her boyfriend was doing the same to her (she's not pregnant but in her 3rd year of medical school). He told her to tell him to go to hell. I said " really, so that's the appropriate response?" And he turned bright red and looked so ashamed of himself.

celainev

I agree with PP to maybe try counselling? And also, if you have someone in both your lives who can explain to him how hard pregnancy actually is on the body. It sounds like he's a bit oblivious and that he thinks you are being over dramatic. Maybe even bring him to your next doctor appointment and mention to your doctor you are feeling burnt out, the doctor might just tell you to relax, and your SO hearing that may finally believe it!

Lastly, ask a family member or close friend for help. If your SO is refusing to listen and help out, then maybe there is someone else in your life who can step up to the difficult plate.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine going through this pregnancy without the support I receive.

blended10

Sorry you're dealing with this right now. I agree with pp - men don't even realize how insensitive they are being. My hubs has made plenty of bonehead comments during this pregnancy & the last one - and this makes kid #4!
Try going for a car ride & talking it out. Minimal eye contact helps with hard conversations I've found. No doubt you both need to learn how to "fight fair" & counseling could help that. Fights are inevitable! And you'll be arguing with your child, too- time to learn how to do it in a healthy way.
You're not alone - none of us have perfect relationships!

Taylovesbrad

While they are not pregnant they have been going through this for 9 full months too. My husband has picked up alot of slack cause I need him to. Sometimes he has an attitude about it and I get frusturated. Or he leaves his crap everywhere, ect and I get frusturated. We are nearing the end so I am really trying to just suck it up and keep my mouth shut... let things go. It's hard but remembering this is temporary helps me. Though it will be a big adjustment when babe comes.

ATolentino89

I swear it's hardwired in men to just start leaving their shit around once they are in a stable relationship. I used to go around the house/apartment and pick up my hubs shit (tools, socks, pens, books, shoes, army shit) and toss it in a pile right in front of the tv where I knew he would see it so he would go thru it and put his shit away! Sorry, kinda turned into my own little rant...

Edited because no sleep.

Beckah31

SO dropped his grubby work sweatshirt on the floor last night approximately 8 inches from the laundry hamper. Which was open. The death stare prompted him to pick it up.

In his defense- he later called out one of his buddies last night for saying that he thought his wife was "milking" her morning sickness symptoms. And that was without a death stare from me.

Here's the deal- from my perspective at least. Relationships are hard. They're even harder when your go to communication method is to be mean to each other. We have both had to work at this, and we still mess up, but one day we sat down and decided- mutually- that the mean and snark had to stop or we weren't going to make it. I had to own my bitchiness, he had to own his. Hopefully your partner is ready for that conversation.

amye02

Thanks ladies❤, obviously we need to work on fighting fair and perhaps a 3rd party neutral opinion (counselor) would help us. I am going to look into it because the stress isn't going to end when the baby comes.

GalLaura

Good idea to see a counselor. It's only going to get harder once the baby is born. My husband sometimes gives me grief when I ask him to carry the garbage out. I say carry because literally all he had to do is put it on the can as he walks by it. He goes on and on about how much he does.... Lol.

blended10

I've also found with my husband I need to let him grumble without my input. His complaining is his way of saying "see how much I love you? I'm doing this wretched thing for you!" And forever I would get defensive until I realized it was just part of his process.
Also might I recommend - an oldie but a goodie "men are from Mars" & "7 languages of love"? Both are good at understanding differences.
Good luck- and something I like to say to my guy "same team!"

hlewis6

My husband grumbles as well! He gets it honest, his dad is t he same, only worse!! Helen forbid something not go his way in the mornings when he is trying to get out the door to work, or hunting this morning! I told him last night I need some help today to fi ished getting this house ready for the new baby (1 week away from CS) laundry, dusting celing fans ect. And this mornjngf g when his favorite insulated long Johns weren't dry, washed but not dry, he freaked out and says I sure wish you'd get off your lazy ass and do something around here!! I almost lost it on him, but instead I simply said if he'd put his stuff where it should be instead of the table I'd find it sooner to wash instead of the day before he needed it! And I got back in bed.. men are bone heads! And it prob isn't the healthiest way, but I try to send him a text later in the day explaining why I'm upset at him or what I think we as a couple needs to work on. Cause if I engage face to face, he feels attacked and Wil shut down on me. So I ryell him what uh need to and he usually will apologize or say what I did wrong and say he's working on that attitude.

mrs14678

Best book ever: "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggrichs.

Also, you aren't married yet... premarital counseling would be great! If red flags are raised toward potential abuse (sounds more like verbal or emotional, rather than physical) that would be good to know before you promise forever with him. But, it also could be less "serious" (though still serious, if that makes sense...): something he's dealing with personally and doesn't know how to handle it, so it's manifesting itself in frustration toward you, or apathy and laziness toward household tasks. There are lots of things that could be happening below the surface. Counseling would be great either way!

taysun

Having him go to a doctors appointment might be really helpful. It was for me, I'm on modified bed rest and SO couldn't understand that I wasn't just being lazy until he spent the evening in L&D and a nurse told him explicitly that resting is the only thing that keeps my blood pressure from getting way too high.

nik6499

In all honesty, the most difficult part of a relationship is communication. People believe this process should be easy, it is not. People believe that everyone inherently knows how to convey what they want, or need to their partner. Most people do not. Before you can truly embark on a lifetime with someone who will spend a few years struggling through how to talk to one another. It can get ugly, feelings can get hurt and people can feel really isolated and alone. The best thing you can do for yourself is work very hard to listen, and work very hard to communicate your wants and needs and get help in doing so if needed. We often believe the fallacy that tv provides telling us how easy it should be, relationships shouldn't be this hard, if it's this hard it isn't right. None of these are true. It's all exceptionally difficult and very rewarding once you figure it out. Your partner cannot read your mind and it's easy for all of us to want them to anticipate our needs but none of us are kind readers. I tell my partner all the time, I cannot fix what I don't know about. Getting made for something you've never expressed to me is a problem isn't fair. Tell me what you need and I will do my best to hear you.

It's the hardest part about being a partner, and the most gratifying in the end. You are in a high stress situation so just keep trying and get help when you need and it will get better!!!

TomekiaB

Sometimes I think men just socialize differently and its not fair to expect them to socialize the same way we do. I find being subtle is a waste of time. If I had a penny for every female friend who wants their SO to communicate like a woman or read their minds...my friends claim if he loved me he'd know but since most say the same thing I'd say that logic fails. I find being very direct and saying "what and why" helps a lot. Most guys are pretty direct with each other and I have found that sometimes I just have to flat out say, "you are being inconsiderate" (or similar) for him to even realize I'm upset. 

I have also read Love Languages and Mars and Venus. Love languages is great but pretty redundant by the end IMO but Mars and Venus really is helpful (the difference between "c" words and "w" words in communication was interesting, ask your SO if he WILL do something not if he CAN, because of course he CAN but the conversation is about ability not action until you ask if he WILL do it, which never would have occurred to me if I hadn't read the book).

elbou

TomekiaB said:

Sometimes I think men just socialize differently and its not fair to expect them to socialize the same way we do. I find being subtle is a waste of time. If I had a penny for every female friend who wants their SO to communicate like a woman or read their minds...my friends claim if he loved me he'd know but since most say the same thing I'd say that logic fails. I find being very direct and saying "what and why" helps a lot. Most guys are pretty direct with each other and I have found that sometimes I just have to flat out say, "you are being inconsiderate" (or similar) for him to even realize I'm upset. 

I have also read Love Languages and Mars and Venus. Love languages is great but pretty redundant by the end IMO but Mars and Venus really is helpful (the difference between "c" words and "w" words in communication was interesting, ask your SO if he WILL do something not if he CAN, because of course he CAN but the conversation is about ability not action until you ask if he WILL do it, which never would have occurred to me if I hadn't read the book).

I agree...this one little thing can make SO much difference! I was fortunate enough to learn how much of a difference it makes early (my little brother would always answer "I can, but will I?" if I asked if he could do something, and then just sit there until I changed it to will you do something) but I still have trouble remembering to phrase things as "will/would you" when talking to my husband.

I think it's instinctive for us as women to say "can/could" because it sounds more polite to us. I've heard that men think it sounds like you are questioning their abilities when you say "can/could" and that makes them defensive and less willing to help. I always think it sounds like I'm nagging if I ask MH "Will you please do x for me?" but if I just move the "please" to the end of the sentence, it doesn't bug me as much, and he responds better to that phrasing, usually helping happily.

OP: good luck! I second the recommendations for the Mars & Venus and Love & Respect books. (Emerson Eggrichs and his wife Sarah also do marriage conferences all over the States. They came to Canada last year, and I went the one in my city. I think it made a big difference, and MH didn't even go!) Counseling sounds like a good idea too. I hope you guys can work it out!

amye02

I have to say I think that most of my feelings stem from my own inability to communicate and fear of lack of control. Before my SO I was in an extremely abusive marriage and had years of therapy before dating again, but I'm still a work in progress.

My SO is usually extremely patient when I am stressed, but I wasn't considering his frustrations and fears. We talked about the argument and he told me he's scared of the change about to happen but excited and happy. He said he doesn't know what I need unless I tell him and he's done some research about what I'm going through physically right now. I think we're going to be ok if we both continue to put in the work. I am going to try rephrasing my requests in will / would and try to be more polite (please and thank you).

Thanks ladies