Obstacles dealing with lack of support from family

Winnie81_Old

I know this has been discussed in older threads but i feel the need to vent. I just wish my mom was more "motherly" with me. It sucks when i can't talk to my mom about anything I'm going through without her immediately changing the subject because it makes her uncomfortable. She is fully aware of our infertility, and her insensitive comments today hurt me. I told her one of my friends (friend of the family) is pregnant, and her response was, "that sucks, it would have been fun if both of you were pregnant at the same time"...i don't even know how to respond. She asked me how my 30th birthday was (it wasn't the best since my cramps were so bad). I told her i didn't do much since i wasn't feeling well and she asked why. When i told her i had bad cramps because i just started my period, she immediately changed the subject.  She is constantly sending me baby pics of my nephew and keeps telling me that everyone is counting on us to have a girl (i have 9 nephews). I feel like she is in such denial about our situation, but won't let me clarify. I feel like I'm just supposed to be quiet and act like everything is fine and it feels so uncomfortable. Im at the point where if i don't confront her then I'm going to need to start avoiding her, which i don't want to do.

2legbaby

Moms- you have to love them right? I really do love my mom, but if it makes you feel better, my mom will listen to everything that I am going through, doesn't change the subject, but still proceeds to say at that end...I bet if you relax it will all work out (favorite words for infertile women to hear:)). 

Is there any way you can broach your concern with your mom- can you let her know that you really need someone to talk to about what you are going through and if she could be that person for you? or maybe even acknowledge to her that it seems that she is uncomfortable about the topic and maybe find out why?

I sometimes think moms just love us so much and want us to have everything and maybe it is too sad for them to talk about because they feel like they can't make it better for us, or in my mom's case wear her rose colored glasses about our situation:)

Winnie81_Old

Thank you @2legbaby , great advice. After sleeping on it I'm going to hold off confronting. I was still on my period yesterday and overly emotional so that would have been a disaster. I love my mom and think her intentions are well, but we have never been able to express feelings/emotion in my family. Not even kidding: my family didnt hug goodbye or hello after get togethers until my husband started coming to them (he's a hugger).

mtpbadger

I agree with @2legbaby, that while my mom listens and doesn't change the subject, she also has said "well I never had any issues!" like that will make me feel any better. She has admitted that she hates seeing me go through all of this, especially because otherwise, me and DH are very active, healthy individuals. So I think it makes her uncomfortable and she can't do anything about the situation and that upsets her. She will usually wait for me to bring the subject up but will occasionally ask where we are in the process etc. Like @2legbaby said, I think having an open and honest conversation with her would be really helpful, acknowledging that you know the subject makes her uncomfortable and your family usually isn't open about this sort of stuff but you really need her support and let her know what that looks like to you.

TheLabyrinth

I think a lot of people are unsure how to best respond to women dealing with infertility issues whether it's your mother, a friend, etc.  My mom likes to say how she just "doesn't get it," how "she got pregnant the first month she tried" and "she doesn't know what she did wrong to cause this." My mom has gotten a lot better since when I first revealed the issue, but I get more annoyed because she seems to think things will work out because life is a romcom.  "As soon as you do [some inconvenient thing], I bet you'll find out you're pregnant!"  Sigh.  I love her though, and she lets me vent when I explain all these medical procedures, and the frustrations my DH and I have, etc.

I agree with the people above about explaining what you need from your mom and what kinds of comments are not helpful.  Since infertility is not something people talk about, most are unsure how to respond properly.

HBamama2B

Ugh, I'm sorry. I agree with pp. I think maybe some moms can't hear it. My mom alternated being dismissing our infertility as 'psychosomatic' and saying she was infertile and managed so I will too. (She had four children without ART and took clomid once). Unfortunately, I haven't found that that mindset changes after BFP. My mom is in continued denial about our risks, even going so far as saying 'oh you bought a Doppler? Why, Bc you percieve yourself to be high risk?' I want to scream, it's not a perception, it's a fucking diagnosis!'

Anyway, sorry for ranting in your rant and sorry about your mom. We understand your reality and are here for you.

notasycophant

I understand how it can be hurtful. My mother dismissed my infertility struggles by harping on " god's time" and " relaxing". It used to drive me up the wall.

khochanadel

@WA85 do we have the same mother by chance?!

After my laparotomy I told my mom about everything and her answer was to pray harder and again invoke God's plan. I found things were better when we just didn't go there. Mom didn't want to go there anyway, so I had to find someone more supportive to lean on.

Particularly someone who actually supports my decision to do IVF since my mom is strict catholic and doesn't agree with assistive reproductive technology. We just have to be better moms to our own little ones.