MIL rant-am I being harsh?

kaitlinforrest

I am 36.5 weeks. I will be having a c section at 39 weeks. My mother in law has "requested" that AS SOON as the baby is born, my husband must video. Not only must he video, but he can only send the video to her first, no one else. Her second request is that only her, my FIL, my dad, and my step mom are allowed in the room before anyone else. Although this would typically be a common thing to be done, I lost my mother a year ago and my aunt is now like a mother to me. Before planning the c section, my plans were to have her in the room for the birth. I have a small, close knit family so I want my aunt, the baby's godmother (my cousin) and my brother to be one of the firsts to see our baby also.

What gets me is she is expecting my husband to take away time from our first moments of having our son in the world to send you a video that we are only "allowed" to send to her. Second, I can't believe she would be so adamant about being the first to see him. I would think that as long as the baby and I are healthy, that's what she would be most concerned about.

She has been absent from everything this entire pregnancy, including my shower and all ultrasounds she's been invited to, so it definitely rubs me the wrong way for her to make such requests. So I definitely will NOT be following her wishes. Am I overreacting?

groovylocks

No you're not. She's being pretty high maintenance. You're all going to be exhausted and drunk on love and she's expecting you to put all that aside and spin up a video that she then dictates who you can and can't share it with. And making these demands after doing little to help you before things got interesting. Now mind you, if she's remote, her absence makes sense. I'm assuming she's local enough.

I'm sure she's just excited but she's being a diva.

Edit: mind you. Not MOND you

navyblueladybug

Tell her sure, you'll send her the video... But it'll be a few hours since you need time to bond with LO and get all set up in your recovery room. You aren't going to be glued to your phones/camera right when the baby comes. She won't like that but really, what's she going to do... This is your call, do what you want and nuts to her! She's being unreasonable... It's not about her at all and she's trying to make it out to be. I'd be pissed!

Disneygeek77

You are absolutely not over reacting.  She has no say over who gets pics and how quickly they get them.  Do what you can when it comes to taking videos, but she doesn't get dibbs.

fourtsixand2

Not harsh at all.  I understand grandchildren are an exciting thing, but remember this is YOUR child and YOU get to make the decisions.  Your husband has the right to voice his input, but given this is a private, intimate moment, you are absolutely allowed to put your foot down.  The most important people to be bonding with the baby at that time are you and your husband.  Period.  If it hurts her feelings, oh well....she can either choose to get over it and grow up, or wallow.  I have a feeling she'd forget all about it once she's able to hold her grandchild.

GoogleMD

My parents and in laws were also pretty demanding. My mom wanted to be in the room within min of the birth, "when he was still in the incubator" we ignored everyone. Everyone got a picture and update from my DH about 30 min after he was born, and we didn't allow visitors for the first 2hrs. Nobody was mad, or they hid it well, they just wanted to see the baby once given the chance.

Do what is best for you, it is not your job to accommodate other people's desires.

mhg54

Nope, not overreacting. I have every intention of doing labor and post labor how my DH and I want it. I could not care less about anyone else, and they will be invited once I feel ready. Don't let anyone make you feel like you need to do any differently. This experience is for you and your DH, not anyone else!

LLWilson2013

You have waited 9 months (maybe longer?) to meet this new precious life you've brought into this world. That moment should be celebrated however YOU and your husband choose to do it. Period. Not spent fumbling with a video camera and trying to watch it through a recording device, because MIL is controlling. Your husband should speak up and say something since it's his family, but that's easier said than done (if he's anything like mine who would rather run a marathon and than walk through a confrontational situation.)

As for the people in the room, just let your nurse know who you want with you... maybe they can say there's a limit or something. That would avoid you having to deal with the drama.

Congratulations on the big day - I understand your frustrations. Our MILs seem like they'd be good friends... but just focus on you, husband, and baby and forget the rest. All the best!

Kiek

Oh wow I'd be so irritated! Everyone can wait until you and your hubby are ready. Having a baby is hard work and you deserve a little time and to chose who gets to be there and who isn't there

celainev

Well, your options here are pretty simple so it might be that you're overreacting a tiny bit.

First, you don't have to send a video... That's easy since you're really already in control of that scenario.

Second, you can just invite your aunt and cousin and stuff into the room too. How does your husband feel about you not wanting to show her baby first? I personally don't know your MIL, but I also have an overbearing MIL, and I know my DH would still be hurt if I said my family gets to see baby first... It's a bit selfish really. How about letting them see baby whenever they get to the hospital? Give yourselves some time to bond and invite the family over when ready.

I don't know, I'm usually on the unpopular side of these rants because I also have an extremely overbearing MIL, and I know I overreact most of the time when she bugs me... And it helps to put things into perspective.

cmerribury

That's pretty heavy-handed. Get on the same page with your husband, smile, nod, and then do whatever you want to do when your child is born. You are under no obligations.

suchaglencoco

My philosophy with this stuff is you need to set boundaries and rules now. This is your child. You and your husband will decide what's best for your little one and your family in general. If you give in now, it'll only get worse down the road. I'm not saying for you to be a complete robot about things but setting ground rules and making sure people understand it's your opinion that counts the most, is an important part to being a parent. I'd try to sit down and explain what you and your husband have decided on with the whole shebang. If she doesn't want to be an adult and throws a tantrum, just stick to your guns and do what is best for your little family.

taysun

I agree with pp. sit down with your DH and decide what you both want. Don't consider what you feel you have to do and also try to avoid cutting people out all together. I mean if MIL happens to be the first at the hospital I wouldn't not let her visit first when you're ready, but if she isn't there first don't feel you have to wait for her. Yes she is a grandparent and unless there are SERIOUS issues you should probably try to keep from totally cutting her out but YOU and your DH are the parents and need to do what you are comfortable with.

redfallon

In the words of the great RDJ...
 

lopezalonso

I love love love the RDJ quote above. Definitely do whatever you want and start setting the boundaries now. You can even say something like, "we'll send a video as soon as we can" and then decide when that is whenever you want. Also, just don't call anyone until you guys are ready for visitors.

Kiek

Also i don't like that she wants your hubby to whip out his phone as soon as your little one arrives. Like that's going to be the first thing that crosses your mind when you finally get to meet your baby. I feel like you both will be a little busy meeting your child and loving on them.

fourtsixand2

One more thing I want to add is that I think it's incredibly important to stand firm now, because it isn't going to get any easier down the road.  
If you cave in to your mother-in-law's wishes now, she's going to assume that she can dictate, or bully, you the rest of the child's life.  It's that whole theory of "well, if they say it's okay this time, next time shouldn't be a problem", etc.  

Don't spoil the time bonding with your little one to appease anyone.  There is nothing "mean" or "hateful" about standing up for what you want, because you and your husband are the ones who are going to be raising this child, not your mother-in-law.

Kurtni

Your MIL is out of line, but you have to actually respond to her and tell her that, especially your husband. As soon as she makes an absurd request, just say "no, we're not doing that." End of discussion. If she doesn't let it go, say goodbye and end the conversation. Don't tolerate an adult whining.

OctoberStars

chaelainev said:

Well, your options here are pretty simple so it might be that you're overreacting a tiny bit.

First, you don't have to send a video... That's easy since you're really already in control of that scenario.

Second, you can just invite your aunt and cousin and stuff into the room too. How does your husband feel about you not wanting to show her baby first? I personally don't know your MIL, but I also have an overbearing MIL, and I know my DH would still be hurt if I said my family gets to see baby first... It's a bit selfish really. How about letting them see baby whenever they get to the hospital? Give yourselves some time to bond and invite the family over when ready.

I don't know, I'm usually on the unpopular side of these rants because I also have an extremely overbearing MIL, and I know I overreact most of the time when she bugs me... And it helps to put things into perspective.

I don't think it's selfish at all for the person who just got out of major surgery to be able to see the people she wants first. I'm sure as hell not inviting my in laws into the room first because it's "only fair". What's fair is for you and dh to decide what is best for your family. As a person who also has overbearing in laws, my recommendation is to assert you and dh as your own family with your own decisions. This has hugely helped keep our in laws from pretending that we're children who must respect their rules.

Monkeybutt80

It would be one thing if she insisted that you guys video and let her in the room as soon as possible because she wants to meet the baby asap, but I find it very disturbing that it's not about how soon she can meet your baby, but it's about her being the FIRST to meet the baby. That seems like it isn't about the excitement about the baby, but rather the 'competition' between your family and her on who gets to see the baby first. 

Normally, my advice is to make it fair to both sides of the family, but in this case, I think your MIL is being ridiculous. I think you need to have your husband tell her that he will let her know when she can come in but make no promises about her being the "first". If she insists that she has to be the first, have your husband tell her that that's not her decision who gets to see the baby first and that you and he will decide after the baby arrives, and based on how you guys feel. 

alanna3622

Don't negotiate!

Just say "we'll see".

You might not want to see anyone but DH afterwards. You or baby might need extra medical care. Why engage in bargaining at this stage with people who don't have a formal role in delivery? The trick is to smile and make noncommittal noises when the crazies come out to play.

Good luck!

celainev

OctoberStars said:

chaelainev said:

Well, your options here are pretty simple so it might be that you're overreacting a tiny bit.

First, you don't have to send a video... That's easy since you're really already in control of that scenario.

Second, you can just invite your aunt and cousin and stuff into the room too. How does your husband feel about you not wanting to show her baby first? I personally don't know your MIL, but I also have an overbearing MIL, and I know my DH would still be hurt if I said my family gets to see baby first... It's a bit selfish really. How about letting them see baby whenever they get to the hospital? Give yourselves some time to bond and invite the family over when ready.

I don't know, I'm usually on the unpopular side of these rants because I also have an extremely overbearing MIL, and I know I overreact most of the time when she bugs me... And it helps to put things into perspective.

I don't think it's selfish at all for the person who just got out of major surgery to be able to see the people she wants first. I'm sure as hell not inviting my in laws into the room first because it's "only fair". What's fair is for you and dh to decide what is best for your family. As a person who also has overbearing in laws, my recommendation is to assert you and dh as your own family with your own decisions. This has hugely helped keep our in laws from pretending that we're children who must respect their rules.

I did not say it would be selfish to not let her be the first one, I said if your DH wants her to see baby "first" as well, then it should be a combined choice. I said it would be selfish of ME to not allow my DH's Mom in the room because I want my family there first.

If he is fine with letting her family be the "first" then it's their choice together. It shouldn't matter who has given birth, the baby is both of theirs and it's both of their decision here.

You clearly misread my post because we end up with the same points.

Bigboobsmcgee

She sounds a little nutty. Simply say "no, I have other plans, but I'll let you know when you can come see the baby".

kaitlinforrest

Neither side of the family will be first. They will all come at the same time if allowed. It's the fact that she demands who will be first. Absolutely I think it's fair she be one of the firsts, but if it ends up not working out that way she shouldn't be upset at me or anyone else about it.

But both of your opinions have valid points!!!

Froggie1986

Screw that I wouldn't put up with the list of demands. Pleasing other people is going to be the last thing on your mind I would just tell her we will see how things go and let her know u will have alot going on and u will be playing it by ear.

itstheblackwidowbaby

As someone who just had a c-section on Monday - eff that noise. During my section my OB told my SO to get his camera ready - for us. We have a few shots of when she dropped the drape and pulled my son out. There was no video and there was damn sure no family demands being made. In that moment, it was about us.

For your own sanity, don't tell her (or anyone) the exact time of your c-section. Spend some time bonding with your new addition (and some time recovering on your own, because major surgery) and do what you want. She gets no input on anything. Your childbirth, your rules.

kaitlinforrest

Thank you ladies for the support!!! It's hard to know whether I'm overreacting due to being a FTM. But I know that above all, I want the day to be what my husband and I have dreamt of for the last 9 months.

oceanchild

I don't think you're overreacting at all. When I'm given a list of "demands" that is pretty much like giving me a list of things that I am not going to do. Yeah maybe I'm a bit PA, but in a situation like that I'd be suspicious of her motives, esp when she's been so absent this whole time. Like she wants the video first and no one else – so she can what, share it on her Facebook or something and gloat in the glory of being the first to have this privileged documentation of her grandchild? Nope. We don't announce the birth or post on fb pics at all until we are home from the hospital, so I wouldn't share stuff like that unless I completely trusted the person, and IMHO she sounds completely childish the way she's expecting you to accommodate all *her* desires on one of the most important days of *your* family's life. Sorry MIL! I'd send a video to her (when I felt like it) at the same time I sent the video to my own mother. No favoritism.

SisterSunshine

Bigboobsmcgee said:

She sounds a little nutty. Simply say "no, I have other plans, but I'll let you know when you can come see the baby".

I like this. Keep it very simple. All the logic in the world isn't going to make her understand since her request sounds unreasonable to begin with. So, like a tired, spoiled, demanding child, you calmly,firmly and simply tell her the way it is.

TerryGDesign

You are NOT overreacting.  It's your baby, you grew him/her for 9 months...she wasn't even around during your pregnancy so SHE is overreacting. 

Discuss it with your husband and make him be the bearer of bad news....it's HIS mom.  I'm so sorry she is making crazy requests like this.  Why can't people just take a step back and realize how insane they sound?!  

2-Step

People are crazy! Tell her you have no idea how L&D will go, what will happen during/after the birth or how you will feel, but you would be happy to have your DH update her when he is able to and comfortable doing so. No need to be rude, just tell her the facts. Make this your message to everyone so no one feels they are getting special treatment, then decide who and when to update/accept as a visitor when you are there and have had your child. Once it's done there isn't much they can say or do about it.