Apparently I'm not "handling it well" — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Apparently I'm not "handling it well"

DH and I got into a small verbal dispute earlier over everything. He says I'm not "handling it well." Which is strange because its been a week since I started bleeding, and less since we'd definitely lost the baby. I'm still getting out of bed and performing all my daily activities. I'm still working on the whole healthy diet and exercise thing. I'm still talking about how we can try again whenever my hormones decide to be normal. I told DH we could start having sex sooner but we have to wait on hormones for sex to really be "trying." He wanted to have sex Monday before we went out of town and I did veto that. But Monday was the day I finished passing everything and had the loss confirmed. I guess I wasn't really in the mood for sex. Imagine that.

I'm trying to put a smile on my face, count all my blessings, and move on with my life. But that doesn't mean I'm not a little sad. That doesn't mean I've forgotten the fact that this time last week I still thought I was having a baby in ~8 months.

I told DH that I'd read a statistic that says only about 5% of women have 2 consecutive miscarriages. So even though the whole trying again process is a little scary for me that gives me some.. I don't know what the word I'm looking for is... optimism? DH got upset and told me I need to stop looking into things and stop reading stuff and definitely stop looking at statistics because I'm "not a statistic" I'm "an individual" which I already knew but thanks DH? Then he says that I need to be aware we could have another loss. Then turns around and says I need to stop being so pessimistic and realize we probably won't have another loss and to stop taking the joy out of everything in my life. ??? So... I'm supposed to be less optimistic and realize we very well may have another loss but just not be at all upset/worried/scared about that realization I suppose. Is that even possible?

I personally thought I was handling the loss pretty well... all things considered. I'm not sitting around crying all day everyday. I did shed a couple of quick tears earlier but quickly dried my eyes and tried to focus on something happier. I feel like DH isn't upset anymore and has decided I shouldn't be either. I guess maybe I just need more than a week to really process and fully grieve the loss of my baby. Even though my baby was *only* 6 weeks.

I don't really know what the point to this post is. We had agreed not to tell anyone so we only have each other for support/comfort. And right now I feel very, very alone.
Me: 28 Husband: 31
TTC#1: January 2015- September 2016
Infertility, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
Rainbow baby born June 6, 2017  ❤️

Baby #2 due June 12, 2018
BabyFruit Ticker

Re: Apparently I'm not "handling it well"

  • Geez, I am sorry to hear that. Maybe he is actually hurting, too, and I'm sure he doesn't like seeing you hurting, and is just taking it out in the wrong way. I hope he's able to understand soon this is all still raw and fresh. You don't have to handle it one way or another. It sounds like you are dealing the best you can, and please don't be afraid to cry. It's the only way to feel better sometimes. Big hugs. I'm sure you two will navigate this new, crappy territory together and come out on the other side.

    Also, I have taken to journaling about the whole thing. It might be cathartic for you if you haven't thought about doing that. Best wishes.
  • tinypikachutinypikachu
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited November 2015
    Oh, honey... I'm so sorry you feel that way. I feel your story and pain very close to mine because of the dates and how far along we were. I also had an argument with DH today over similar things. After talking endlessly about it, I realized that he is hurting a lot still (I doubted it because he was very hurt in the beginning but said similar things to me last night). He hurts deeply and feels the need to move on and not focus about it because he's just grieving differently. I also found out that it kills him to see me cry or sad because he feels that he can't do anything to make it better. I think your DH might be facing some of the same issues...

    Either way, the way we grieve is different from them. I don't know if this happened to you but I went through a raw, cry-my-eyes-out-all-day heartbreak when I first found out (so did DH, ETA: it broke my heart to come home a couple of times and see him with tears in his eyes) and then we both kind of started to accept it. All of the sudden I wasn't crying as much while the miscarriage was happening. I felt I was doing so well. After I went to the doctor and they confirmed everything had passed, I can't shake the feeling of not being pregnant anymore, of not having the future we envisioned and just feeling like I was empty, like my body went from growing a baby to nothing. I went back in my grief and I find myself sobbing for almost half the day again. I know my DH loved our baby and is completely heartbroken, but he doesn't have that new empty feeling I'm having and he doesn't feel sure about how to deal with it.

    Sorry for the long post, maybe I needed a rant too. I just wanted to say with this that you're definitely not alone in this, I'm sending all my love to you and I'm here for you. Hugs.
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  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. If your DH is anything like mine, he may be feeling frustrated and helpless because he can't fix it and make it better for you. When I'm sad, my husband always wants to do something to make it right. He hates to feel helpless.

    I also think many women experience early pregnancy and miscarriage much differently from men because we carry it in our bodies. It feels more real to us sometimes, I think. I know I have sometimes been surprised that DH is not as sad as I am but I'm trying to understand it's just different for him.

    It sounds like you're handling this as well as anyone could. Everyone grieves differently. I hope today is a better day and that you guys are able to communicate better.

    Me: 33     H: 36

    Married: 12/14/13   DS: 1/29/09

    BFP2: 10/9/15  MMC: 11/12/15

    BFP3: 4/6/16   DD: 12/12/16

  • I'm reading a book on miscarriage at the moment, it is from a christian perspective, don't know where you are in the religion spectrum but it's called "What Was Lost: A Christian's Journey Through Miscarriage"

    Regardless of your stance on religion, it talks about a study that says regardless of how far along a mother is the grieving process/feelings are the same as having lost a loved relative etc. Some people don't quite understand even though we were only 6, 7, 8 weeks along that we became mothers the moment we saw that positive test and this experience will be with us always. We are allowed to grieve no matter how far along we are. I'm sorry your DH is not being understanding, his grieving process just may be different from yours.
  • I know how you feel. About a year ago I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Didn't have much support from hubby so I was pretty much in my own. But you need to just tell him to shut up because you're the one going through this more than he is and you need to grieve for as long as you need to.
    It'll always be there in the back of your mind that it happened though but you learn to get through the day. This happened for a reason, everything does and it does suck but even though it feels like someone pulled out your heart and ripped it into a million pieces, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Stay strong.
    There is also a chance that it could happen again but it's unlikely to. If you wait too long it could or if start trying too soon it could that's why your doctor will tell you how long you should wait until you can start trying again.
    We're all here for you because we know what you're going through. So keep staying strong!
  • So sorry for your loss. I think this can be a really complicated thing to go through as a couple. I'm not sure you two have gone through a loss of a loved one together before, but grief is weird and impacts individuals and couples differently. 

    In my case my husband actually seemed to have a harder time than I did. I was a wreck as I came to know what was about to happen, bleeding etc. , but once I went through the actual physical act of the miscarriage, I felt much more at peace.  However, the day of my ultrasound where there was still a barely beating heart there, it became very real for my husband what was actually happening. He was horrified that there was a baby in there struggling to live and his grief hit him then and there. For me, I think there was actually a gift in having the physical act to process the loss etc.

    Anyways, long story short. If your husband can't be the support you need, I suggest seeing a counselor who can process this with you and fill that need for you. As couples our significant others aren't always going to be able to meet all of our needs, and we can't expect them to. Part of his job is though is to not be a jerk about it along the way. Honestly, what you describe to me sounds a lot like anxiety on his part, not wanting to hear things, talk about it. A counselor will help you respond to him in a way that is helpful to you guys as a couple and not to escalate an already difficult situation. 

    Again sorry for you loss, and vent here all you need. We definitely all get where you are coming from and realize there is no "handling it well" there is only handling it as best as possible. Good luck!
  • Thank you everyone for the kind words and the insights. I really do appreciate it. Sometimes (okay fine, pretty much always) when I get upset I just can't see a situation logically anymore. You've all helped ground me back to reality a bit which I needed.

    At first when I read some of the comments about how my DH is likely frustrated he can't do anything to help me and is still hurting and just doesn't know how to deal with it, I thought y'all were wrong. But as more people saw it that way I began to reassess my emotion-driven interpretation of things. I've been a little slow responding while I've tried to look at this situation and see something other than my original view. The more I've thought about it the more I've decided that y'all are probably right. It does make a lot more sense that way and it does explain how he has been acting far better.

    I suppose I need to have a talk with DH and perhaps help him see some of the things you lovely ladies (and others) have been so good about helping me see. Maybe he needs someone to reinforce to him that it's perfectly okay to grieve our loss as a loss even when a lot of people in the world won't see it that way since our baby was only 6 weeks gestation. He/she was our baby in our minds and other people may not understand that but that's okay. DH seems so sure that it would have been far more painful (emotionally) to have lost the baby at say 20 weeks, or 30 weeks. I suppose I'm less sure of that. However, I've never lost a baby later for comparison and I really hope I never do. That's a comparison I'm fine never being able to make! But the fact that he keeps bringing that up seems to suggest that maybe he isn't allowing himself to grieve our loss as a loss exactly. Maybe he is trying to downplay it because he feels he "shouldn't" be as upset. I'm sure it is also hard on him to see me so upset and know that there isn't really anything he can do or say to make it all better.

    @ahily26 I hadn't actually seen that study but it definitely supports how I feel about this whole thing. My grandpa died in September and losing our baby felt every bit as "real" of a loss as when my grandpa died. To me, it really feels as if we lost a loved one. But then, based off my view of the whole thing, I guess we did. I may look into getting that book. I know DH wouldn't go seek support on a forum or something like I do. But he may would read a book and maybe that would help explain things better than I can.

    @BornReady Oh gosh, I think I would have absolutely lost it in the ultrasound if there had been a struggling heart beat. I can definitely understand your DH's reaction. I can also understand how that would help you process the loss as a loss and all though. I feel like with my loss part of processing it has been overcoming the "was it really a loss and can I really grieve it as such?" question. I knew from the very start that it definitely felt like a "real" loss to me.

    @cjt121413 I think you're right that in some ways it feels more real to us than it does to men. To be fair, this very well may not be true of all men but I do think it holds true for some men. I suggested that to DH back when we had the original argument and apparently I shouldn't have said that because it seemed to really upset him. I guess in the end neither of us will ever know exactly how the other felt the loss so we can know if someone felt it more than the other. I suppose, in hindsight, while it is something I feel could be true that perhaps I shouldn't have said it.

    @SilentP I really like the journaling idea. I actually hadn't thought of that yet but I'm definitely going to try that.

    @AlwaysAuntNeverMom The thing you said about how suddenly after the miscarriage you realize that you're not pregnant anymore even though it feels as if you are/should be I can definitely relate to. I think the way you explain the woman's side of things is spot on and well said. I haven't really been able to put how I'm feeling into words but I think that is it. I feel empty. I feel like my body when from growing a precious baby to..... nothing. From growing a baby to just trying to go back to normal as if nothing happened. It just doesn't seem right.

    @cherith104 Your last paragraph seems to fairly well summarize my feelings on TTCAL. I'm so worried it will happen again although I know ti isn't likely to happen twice in a row. But I definitely feel as if trying too soon could be bad. Waiting too long to try again could be bad. It could not really matter when we try we could just have another heartbreak in our future and that's terrifying. My doctor was somewhat unhelpful on the issue of when we should try again. She just said that we could try again whenever we feel ready. I'm fairly certain some part of me would have liked to have heard something like "the statistics suggest that trying x number of months/cycles after a loss is the safety with the highest odds of a healthy baby/pregnancy." My DH has given me a bit of a hard time for my love of numbers, statistics, findings from studies and all that. He keeps saying that regardless of what I read none of it is a 100% and could still not really apply to me so I shouldn't put so much into it. I just feel so lost in this whole process like I'm adrift in a see of confusion and grief. I guess I'm just trying to find something to hold onto even if it isn't actually that helpful.
    Me: 28 Husband: 31
    TTC#1: January 2015- September 2016
    Infertility, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
    Rainbow baby born June 6, 2017  ❤️

    Baby #2 due June 12, 2018
    BabyFruit Ticker

  • I'm so sorry for your loss.  I don't know if this is helpful, but when we had our loss, initially I was much more affected than my husband.  I would be fine and then just randomly start crying over nothing.  I was so, so sad.  But since I stopped bleeding (this took like 3 weeks for me) and things started to get back to normal physically, I have been feeling much better about moving forward.  We are actually not allowed to try again until the end of December, and I have been embracing doing the things I know I can't do when I'm pregnant (mostly drinking, honestly) and just feel kind of settled on a baby whenever it happens.  We have a couple of trips planned in Jan/Feb and I'm looking forward to that.  I found TTC stressful and am happy to have the break.

    However, I feel like DH has had the opposite experience.  He was obviously sad when we had the loss, but didn't seem as sad as I was, and I think he thought I was crazy at times when I'd just start crying randomly.  But then a week ago, he told me that he still feels sad when he sees pregnancy announcements or new babies on facebook, or when he hears about them in person.  Then he asked me if we should put off buying a house (which we had initially planned on doing in the spring) since our apartment is more convenient to both of our jobs and we "won't need the extra space".  Since I actually feel like I have adjusted pretty well (it's now been almost 2 months since our loss) I was expecting that he would probably get over it sooner, but it seems like the opposite has happened.

    I guess that's a longwinded way of saying that we all respond differently to these things.  It actually sounds to me like your DH is having a hard time dealing with/processing this whole thing and probably has mixed emotions himself (which is totally NORMAL for both of you, even if he doesn't see it that way for some reason).  My only advice is to continue to give it time and try to deal with the next problem when it happens, instead of worrying about it ahead of time.  Also, if you haven't already, maybe discuss if you want to take a break from TTC for a few weeks, or a month, or a few months, until you're both feeling a little more ready emotionally.  I didn't really understand why people kept saying this (initially we wanted to start TTC right away!) but now that it has been 2 months I definitely feel less afraid to try again.  But we are also mandated to be on a break so it's a different situation.
  • I'm so sorry to see your name on here with this post!  I haven't been on here for a while - just got my first period since the m/c and a whole new set of feelings to process...haven't been wanting to read anything or think about it in all honesty.

    It's been just a short time for you, and you are handling everything exactly how you need to handle it - don't question your feelings, even if it's tempting.

    It' s been a full month for me now, and there are still bad days, but in all honesty once my period showed up I felt so much better - like the reset button had been pushed and I got my life back.  Even though I had hoped to be pregnant again already, at least my period let me have a clear answer, even if the answer is "not yet".  

    Your husband is grieving in his own way, but he is not supporting you well and you need that support.  The statistic you said...the feeling of being's like your in my head!  I've read the same stats, considered the same outcomes, and you want to just talk and talk in circles until you can't talk anymore.  Talking does and doesn't help, not talking does and doesn't help - nothing really helps.  

    Although you may not have these next options, I feel that you need to let someone in on this besides your husband.  We shared the loss with both of our sets of parents, and I also told my brother and a close friend.  Those are the only people that know, but they all offered different insight, which helped.  It reassured me that I wasn't alone.  Do I still feel alone in dealing with it sometimes?  Absolutely.  No matter who knows and cares about me, I'm the one who is bleeding again, I'm the one who felt the pregnancy symptoms disappear - so incredibly sad, I'm the one who remembers sobbing hysterically in an hour of traffic to get to the doctor's office for bloodwork to likely confirm a miscarriage listening to YouTube videos in the background about early miscarriage (probably not a good choice looking back)...all of us on here are the ones who lived it, and nobody can really understand.

    If you can't share with a family member or friend, maybe consider a counselor?  Someone objective will also reassure you that you're feeling very normal and it's been just a bit of time.  Sometimes it helps for someone just to tell us we're not crazy, these are normal feelings.

    Please take care of yourself - let us know how things progress.  I'm really trying to see a new month as a new beginning, new chance.  Hopefully this time next month I will have a positive test - what a Christmas gift that would be.  You just finished the intensely physical part of your m/c.  I wanted to conceive immediately and was initially sad when my period showed up, but I'll be honest - I'm now glad that it didn't happen so quickly.  I needed this month emotionally, and I didn't even know I needed it until now.  I know how you feel - we started trying immediately too, but if it does not happen until next cycle, you will be ok and may feel it's a blessing in disguise as I do.

    Talk with your husband and please consider talking to someone else - you deserve to be heard and respected through this.  Take one day at a time.  Best wishes.
  • Some really great advice! 

    I really recommend investing in a book or two for your husband. Tim Nelson's A Guide for Fathers is really short and to the point and oh so helpful! It really allows a father to realize it is okay for him to grieve as well and that you both need space and time to grieve in your own ways and to talk about it with each other. 

  • I would check and see if there is a chapter of SHARE in your area. They often do project work at meetings like art or journaling. It can be very helpful to have a specific place and time to really focus on anything you may have been thinking about or feeling about your loss(es). 

  • I'm so sorry for your loss. It seems a common experience that the men don't really understand loss from a women's perspective Z how could they - they aren't the ones carrying it and going through the physical pain and emptiness that follows. Like some of the pp said maybe he's hurting and his way of coping is to try and move on fast . It's impossible as a woman to do that because our bodies our still impacted after he loss and we have a different connection to the baby because it is a part of us. Maybe try to talk to him about your feelings or write a letter explaining what's going on for you .
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