DH and I got into a small verbal dispute earlier over everything. He says I'm not "handling it well." Which is strange because its been a week since I started bleeding, and less since we'd definitely lost the baby. I'm still getting out of bed and performing all my daily activities. I'm still working on the whole healthy diet and exercise thing. I'm still talking about how we can try again whenever my hormones decide to be normal. I told DH we could start having sex sooner but we have to wait on hormones for sex to really be "trying." He wanted to have sex Monday before we went out of town and I did veto that. But Monday was the day I finished passing everything and had the loss confirmed. I guess I wasn't really in the mood for sex. Imagine that.
I'm trying to put a smile on my face, count all my blessings, and move on with my life. But that doesn't mean I'm not a little sad. That doesn't mean I've forgotten the fact that this time last week I still thought I was having a baby in ~8 months.
I told DH that I'd read a statistic that says only about 5% of women have 2 consecutive miscarriages. So even though the whole trying again process is a little scary for me that gives me some.. I don't know what the word I'm looking for is... optimism? DH got upset and told me I need to stop looking into things and stop reading stuff and definitely stop looking at statistics because I'm "not a statistic" I'm "an individual" which I already knew but thanks DH? Then he says that I need to be aware we could have another loss. Then turns around and says I need to stop being so pessimistic and realize we probably won't have another loss and to stop taking the joy out of everything in my life. ??? So... I'm supposed to be less optimistic and realize we very well may have another loss but just not be at all upset/worried/scared about that realization I suppose. Is that even possible?
I personally thought I was handling the loss pretty well... all things considered. I'm not sitting around crying all day everyday. I did shed a couple of quick tears earlier but quickly dried my eyes and tried to focus on something happier. I feel like DH isn't upset anymore and has decided I shouldn't be either. I guess maybe I just need more than a week to really process and fully grieve the loss of my baby. Even though my baby was *only* 6 weeks.
I don't really know what the point to this post is. We had agreed not to tell anyone so we only have each other for support/comfort. And right now I feel very, very alone.
Me: 28 Husband: 31 TTC#1: January 2015- September 2016 Infertility, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss Rainbow baby born June 6, 2017 ❤️