People who want to help but just dont know how

MrsAlT68

This post is for those people in our lives who just don't know how to help us.

I have always had a great relationship with my Mom, she is one of my best friends.  But I will admit since TTC I have pushed her away.  I think a lot of us push a lot of people away during this processes, and family may be no different.  But for me there's added layers.  Of course, the fact that my brother knocked his girlfriend up doesn't help.  My mom is super respectful and doesn't really ever bring it up because she knows it absolutely crushes me, but I don't want her to not be able to be happy about it, its her first grandchild.  I think more than that though, is that me hurting hurts her, and I know it, and it shows.  I can't talk to someone about how I feel when I have to do it on egg shells or sugar coat my feeling because it hurts HER too much.  Thankfully she knows that when people try to say the right things they often say the wrong things, so she doesn't really say anything, but that doesn't help either.  I cant tell she is desperate to find the right thing to do or say and its almost awkward to watch, like she's drowning in a see of sympathetic looks and I'm sorrys and lingering hugs.  I know she has no idea what I'm going through.

We all have these people in our lives.  And that's ok, there are only so many people you can clue into your journey.  We have all saw how much you learn about yourself and your relationship through this process, but its interesting how much you learn about others and your relationships with them too.

Do you have anyone like this in your life, perhaps even your own Mom, who want to help so badly but sometimes its just easiest to keep them out of it?  Do you have any advice for those of us who do?

ahende04

I honestly don't talk to many people about our fertility woes because people don't know how to respond and not a single one of them understands that thought, "what if it never happens for me/us"

kerismatic

My best friend is/was one of those people.  She wants to be an "auntie" so bad and I so want to give that to her.  Her excitement about us finally starting TTC started with her asking some very overt questions... "did you get your period yet?" "any baby news?" "did you not pick up my call because you were having sex?"... FTR, we have that kind of relationship (I would be offended if anyone else in the world asked questions like that).  When I told her that her questions were making things harder she switched to more "covert" tactics... "will you be drinking this weekend? I want to know if my husband should pick something up for when you come over" (she's a non-drinker and never ever asked this question before).  I called her out on it and though she denied that's what she was doing, she got the hint and stopped. 

But since receiving my diagnosis, I've brought her in even closer.  I need someone to confide in, to cry to, to help me put some of the pieces back together when my husband can't be that person for me (either because he doesn't get it at the time or because he himself is struggling with the news).  It's a tough balance.  But you don't have to do it alone.  You have to choose the right balance for you, and sometimes that feels murky and uncertain.  But you can always choose to adjust how much or how little support you are looking for from these people - you just need to be transparent with them as you figure it out.

Winnie81_Old

Sometimes I wish people could be blunt and just ask how it's going. Whether that means treatment or how I'm feeling or how DH is. For me, it makes it more difficult when they are awkward and don't know what to say because then I feel I've made them uncomfortable. I know it isn't there fault, it's such a touchy subject and everyone responds differently. I was very private about our struggles up until very recently. Being so private about it after almost 5 years, and really only opening up to one or two people made me feel very lonely. I wish I could talk to my mom but everytime I've tried to she just doesn't get it. She usually reminds me that everyone is depending on us to have a girl. Again, she doesn't get it, I honestly think it's denial and no one in my family knows how to express emotion. My SIL/best friend has been such an enormous support through this journey. I do know, that I had to let her in though. I don't think I have any advice because every relationship is so unique. I've recently been trying to make the conversation more open with people in my life. I want friends/family to not be scared to approach me, so if they see me comfortably talking about it, that might give them reassurance.

Winnie81_Old

I haven't had any coffee this morning so I apologize for rambling and not making much sense!

MrsAlT68

@kerismatic  I've never had people so interested in my beverage choices before all of this! haha

@WA85 Haha, no you made sense!  I'm sorry you felt so lonely!  I haven't necessarily been "open"  but a lot of people knew that we wanted children for a while and were going to start trying immediately after the wedding, so now that its been over a year, people assume or those closer to us are somewhat in the loop.  I have a best friend that does just get it, and without her, I don't know what I would do. But its definitely interesting how different people in your life react differently, who gets it, and how their role in this journey can be so different that you initially thought it may have been.

kwetsell

**possible trigger: child mentioned**

This is something that I have struggled with a lot. I love my mom, but we have a complicated relationship. She (and the rest of my family) are well meaning, but don't really respect my boundaries. I can TOTALLY relate to what you are saying, @MrsAlyssaT , about your mom's feelings! I just need some support, but she is so emotionally invested in my life that she can't really be objective. 

We had a lot of pressure on us to have our first baby and for several years after she was born we were pressured to give a timeline for baby #2. It's only very recently that people have stopped asking us about when we will get pregnant again. Now I am very reluctant to talk about our fertility issues since I don't want all that pressure to start again.  

blueyedfloozy

I used to be all awkward and stand-off-ish about the trouble we're having, and people legit ask all the time, when are you having kids? What are you waiting for? And I used to just give a coy answer. But now, I'm blunt and honest because I'm not ashamed of fertility problems and I think more people need to talk about it. Bring to the forefront that it's rude to ask someone why they don't have kids, as if it's always by choice. And when I get the, "relax, it'll happen when it's supposed to" or, "you have to stop trying" I tell them to tell that to the dr who prescribed me medicine for an actual medical diagnosis that is preventing me from getting KTFU. They stop. Some ask questions, and that's ok too, I'd rather be able to inform them than have them acting all ignorant. I just got so exhausted trying to hide it or acting like there was nothing wrong. There is something wrong, and I'm trying to fix it, and if people can't support that they can butt out.

starlitfae

What I hate are the well-meaning people who go right into things like  "Just wait, it will happen!"  (Um, I have been waiting.  And waiting.  and waiting...)  "Have you heard of an ovulation tracker?  I used one and I got pregnant right away!"  (Bully for you.  I didn't).  Maybe I am bitter, or just tired of hearing it.  I have opened up more recently about the infertility thing - until a few weeks ago, my inlaws didn't even know.

MrsAlT68

It's such a catch 22, you don't want to hear the ignorant things people say, but some days i think id rather hear those so i could possibly respond than all the awkward don't know what to say responses. Most people in my life don't bring it up, which is fine. But I think it's so sad that not one person has ever genuinely asked me if everything's ok, that I seem off or they've noticed it's been a while. I haven't really ever heard someone say that someone's asked them that. I suppose that's a lot to ask from someone, but at the same time, is it really?