Introduction and Uncertainties - Loss Mentioned

FireInWonderland

I just MC'd almost a full month ago now, on 10/15. We got our BFP on the first try, but then they told us at 8 wks 3 days there was no heartbeat anymore - just the week before there had been! Since I passed everything naturally I was given the all clear the Monday before Halloween to try again as soon as we wanted to. 

I just don't feel like I have the energy right now to start from square one by charting and temping. I started to, then I just started to cry. I want to try again, but I don't want to go through all of those things - it's my first loss in over a year and I had become way more attached than I thought. I didn't realize how much I wanted the baby until it was gone. 

Now because DH and I spoke with the doc, and she said it's possible I ovulated when I had all of the symptoms a couple days ago, DH is very excited and wants to make everything work for this month. He trusts my OB on a professional, doctor to doctor level, which I understand. I, however, don't want my hopes to get up so soon just to be dashed, but now I feel like they are. I'm just glad I found this board. 

On a separate note, is it standard here to continue to warn via title or ticker that there's a loss mentioned? Or is it assumed since we are in a board for TTCAL that losses are mentioned?

crob5685

Hi @FireInWonderland and welcome to the board although I am sorry you have to be here. Hopefully you won't be here long but I hope that while you are it is a comfort to you.

Regarding the warnings. I think if you are discussing the specifics of your loss it is still kind to include a warning as these details could be stir up someone else's own emotions. However if you are just referencing it (I.e. Saying you are now X weeks past your loss, etc) I would say that is fine. That's my personal take on it at least.

FireInWonderland

@crab5685 Thank you for the insight and the condolences. Just lurking a little bit has been comforting to me. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings. 

mrsmommya

I would disagree and say it should be assumed that we may discuss our losses or TTC related to our losses.  If you were in the TTC board then I would say always provide a warning.  Here it would be expected....a warning seems frivolous.

I had a lot of the same feelings when I miscarried in September.  I was worried about the future and how I would feel when we began trying again.  I began temping and taking my prenatals after my 2 week post op appt, couldn't handle it emotionally until then.  I thoroughly enjoy temping because it helps gauge what is going on, rather than constantly guessing.  I also wanted to have a heads up for my period when it was due to return.

My doc asked us to wait to conceive until one cycle and then at that point I was beyond excited to have the chance to try again.  I guess it was my way of feeling like we were moving somewhere rather than in limbo.  We are still waiting to test and I am once again at odds to how I will feel if it is negative or even if it is positive...time will tell.

Knowing that you are doing something to get to that goal is calming for me.  All we can do is try and take each day as it comes.  A wise woman told me once, this too shall pass.

FireInWonderland

@mrsmommya - thank you. It's a really good feeling to know that I'm not alone in thinking the way I do - DH is so ready to move forward that I'm cautious this time around instead. I think once my first cycle comes I will feel more in control. It's the not knowing what's going on with my body that is the most scary. 

NamelessAria

I'm so sorry for your losses. I cannot even imagine having to go through this twice. DH and I are going through all the grief of our first loss that happened over the weekend and it's so much worse than I ever imagined it could be.

I'm not sure what is standard for this board yet in terms on TW. I marked a trigger warning on my intro because I discussed details of the loss that I thought might be upsetting to people. I had thought about not including it but I found that I needed to get all of that off the chest, so to speak. DH doesn't do well with anything that could be considered TMI. I decided to just go ahead and posted what I felt I needed to post and include some warnings so no one reading was taken by surprise. I certainly didn't want to hurt anyone else trying to make myself feel better. I would sort of assume though that simply mentioning your loss would be considered pretty normal and standard and probably wouldn't require a warning.

I definitely know what you mean OP about feeling as if you're not in control. I'm so tired of feeling like some of the most important aspects of my life are out of my control. The whole time I was pregnant I knew there wasn't nothing I could do to control any of it except to try to eat right, take a prenatal daily and that sort of thing. Now I'm waiting for my hormones to return to normal and my cycle to return. And it's all completely out of my control. While TTC it feels like the only control I have is to try to time BD well. I hate it.

I can also relate to the whole being cautious with a DH who is ready to full steam ahead. My DH was already talking about trying again as soon as I started spotting before we even knew for sure I'd MC. Obviously at that point I was not ready to think about trying again just yet.

R0824H

I'm sorry to see you here, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

I completely understand your worries and hesitations on ttc again, after this second one DH & I were kind of on the fence on trying right away like we did last time or to wait for a bit...the thought of getting a bfp actually scares the crap out of me because I don't want to go through it all again. There are a lot of emotions when it comes to a loss and it's ever easy to deal with.

I wish you the best of luck with what-ever choice you make on your ttc journey, this is a great group of supportive women and you are always welcome to join in discussions here.

FireInWonderland

Thank you ladies I talked to DH about how I feel and he said whatever I needed was what was best for us, because it's my body. I'm always so lucky with him.

My OPKs came back positive and my HCG levels negative so there's a chance I could get a BFP next week. Still not sure how I feel about it, but it would be my fault for not being cautious.

My aunt gave me some of the best advice. I'm not religious, and she knows, but she said that each baby was a new soul, and that God made sure I was paired with the right one. She said sometimes, even when we aren't ready or looking, that soul would find its way to us and God would send it. It's a beautiful sentiment and she's right - that baby is not the one I lost, and deserves all my love. If I'm pregnant this cycle or in 12 cycles, I'm still getting my wish. And I can find a way to be happy for that.