Need advice...

MRSCORKER

Hi ladies, I'm new and hope this is worthy of a new discussion thread!

I need some life advice from impartial people... for 5 years I worked at a job that I didn't particularly love and was not in my field. I stayed put, mainly because the benefits were AMAZING and it was very easy and low stress. This past July, I took a job with my mentor. The new gig is more money than my old one and in my field; however, it is extremely high stress and I'm an "independent contractor" so I do not have any benefits at all. DH has a similar type of job so he does not have access to group coverage either (he was on my plan at my previous job). We're now paying out of pocket for pretty terrible health coverage, have no short term disability, no 401k matching, nothing. I knew this when I took the job and just hoped that the pros would outweigh the cons and that we would figure it all out eventually. Well, now we're TTC so I'm thinking of the future a lot more and trying to plan for an eventual BFP. I would have no maternity leave (my job would be held but without pay), insurance premiums would obviously increase and just the cost of labor/delivery would be pretty heavily out of pocket. DH is 36 and has said all along that he doesn't particularly want to be having babies into his 40's so we're kind of going off of the old saying "if you wait until you are ready, you will never have children". 

Here's my dilemma: my old boss recently reached out to tell me that she is hiring for a new team at my old company and that if I'm interested, I would make more than I was making before. My question to you ladies is this, would you consider going back to a job that you didn't love just for the stability, benefits, etc. or would you trust that you made the right decision and stay put knowing you are in the field you're supposed to be in and trust that it will all work out?

Thanks for listening to my rambling!

megstervt

That's really tough. If it were me I would probably go back to the job with better benefits, especially because you said you "didn't love it" which I think is very different than "I hate it". Also, even though you're making more, do you really come out ahead paying OOP for insurance (especially when you have a little one)? To many people being in the field you love is the most important thing, but maybe that's not the number 1 priority for you.

MRSCORKER

@megstervt I have a history of making the easy choice and I thought taking this job would be the step out of my comfort zone that would put me on a better path. I still believe that's true but the practical side of my brain is starting to take over. I miss the low stress, great benefits, work/life balance that I don't have now. I'm at a true cross roads where I could take the harder path and figure it out and make my career a priority or I could go back to my old company and really focus on having a family and put my career on the back burner. Both options are totally valid, I just can't decide which is best for me. Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it!

PeggyOlsonFTW

I agree with @megstervt Plus, 401k matching is a huge benefit and will also help you come out on top despite the lower salary. Childbirth costs are astronomical and I'd want to have the best benefits possible lined up.

MamaMunn

This is a tough decision to make. For me what makes me "love" my job are things like low stress levels, vacation, and benefits. To be comfortable with my situation and not always worrying about things like insurance. If it were my decision I'd be going back to the old job with benefits. What does your husband think?

beachbunnyxo123

That's a really tough decision to make!! I think it is so important to like what you're doing and at the same time have stability financially and medically. What I will say though is that once a baby comes your purpose in life is different. Maybe that may help compensate for not having cinolete satisfaction professionally. It's not to say that you won't be able to have another job eventually. I may be in part biased because I have pretty good health insurance (I work as a therapist in a hospital) but even with that we found out that we would have to contribute $5000 towards labor and delivery on a pretty good insurance plan. Every plan and state is different but I guess it depends on how much room you have as a family and where you can afford to be flexible that will count the most. Good luck!!!

MRSCORKER

@Ally989 My husband is supportive either way. He said he just wants me to be happy but I know the health insurance situation is stressful for him too. He told me to "trust my gut" but I just don't know what it's telling me. I have a history of anxiety so it's hard to tell sometimes what is a gut feeling and what is my anxiety taking over. I feel like I'm on the right career path now and I'm proud of what I do which is something I didn't have before... ugh. The Pros and Cons are really 50/50 for me at this point.

PrimRoseMama

Since I'm TTC I would favor stability, benefits & higher pay. I'd go for the old job.

lrg14

Old job.  I also have a lot of anxiety in general and just the stress of the new job with the lack of benefits, etc. would not outweight the pros.

jhems776

For me I'd go with the crowd here and say go back to the old company.  I feel the need to explain me a bit better first.  I will always want a career and to like it but do not feel the need to love it.  There isn't any career I'm passionate about and just need a job that I "work my brain" and like my coworkers.  Currently I'm at super cushy job in terms of no stress and extreme flexibility but I know I could make 20% or more at a for profit.  I plan on staying here for at least till I have a child and they turn one.  What I do now isn't really what I wanted to do with my degree and do not really care about our mission, this would be a problem for some people.  I know people who are extremely passionate about a narrow type of job and work for either not awesome pay and/or conditions but their love of it makes them extremely happy.  I have a lot of respect for them. What type of career person are you?  If you are the passion person then stick with your current job.  Also, do you think a job like your current one will come around again?

DanyTargaryen

PrimRoseMama said:

Since I'm TTC I would favor stability, benefits & higher pay. I'd go for the old job.

^^ ditto

MRSCORKER

@jhems776 Good questions... I thought that I was someone who needed to feel passionate about my job to have fulfillment and I thought that I would be passionate about this job but I'm still waiting for it to kick in. I have moments where I'm very proud of what I do and with my old job, it was "just a job". I expected I would feel extremely passionate for this work and that that would outweigh the obvious cons but so far, the stress of the job itself on top of the stress about insurance and such has put a dark cloud over everything. I feel like this job was a good move professionally but not a good move personally, if that makes sense. 

Bababatty

Wow, this is a hard situation. Have you talked to your current employer/mentor about your concerns and the offer you've received? I'm not sure if you're in a place where you'd feel comfortable doing that, but I ask because you do have a close relationship with your current employer. Is it possible that if your mentor hears you may leave over benefits, he/she might be willing to work out a solution?

Have you made a financial pros and cons list for the long-term? Issues such as labor and delivery are relatively short-term expenses, so it's something you could balance against your long-term happiness in your career. I think Aflac offers hospital stay insurance, which would cost you in premiums but would help defray at least part of your costs. (I'm not sure, though. I haven't pursued this.)

LakeR2014

MRSCORKER said:

@jhems776 Good questions... I thought that I was someone who needed to feel passionate about my job to have fulfillment and I thought that I would be passionate about this job but I'm still waiting for it to kick in. I have moments where I'm very proud of what I do and with my old job, it was "just a job". I expected I would feel extremely passionate for this work and that that would outweigh the obvious cons but so far, the stress of the job itself on top of the stress about insurance and such has put a dark cloud over everything. I feel like this job was a good move professionally but not a good move personally, if that makes sense. 

@MRSCORKER It appears you went to your current job to get out of the cushy job, into your field, and out of your comfort zone.   That's great!  But it also sounds like you took the leap, waded in a bit and found that although it's in your field, the negatives to it (no 401k match, no paid vacation, benefits, etc) don't outweigh the positives of being in your field.  Here's one question I'd ask myself if I was in your shoes: If, God forbid, something happened where my baby or myself needed extra care after birth or I needed bedrest, is keeping my current job in my field worth the extra stress & out-of-pocket medical bills that could result?  My answer to that question would tell me where my heart and gut is.  

MRSCORKER

@MagnoliaRoseFern I have thought about having a conversation with my current boss to discuss the situation but I think I need to know which way I'm leaning before I do. I have to figure out what is best for me. When I took this job, the hope was that it would turn into a salaried position with a full benefits package but it's all dependent on what is available in the budget and that is out of his hands. If it were up to him, I know he would do whatever he could to keep me. I've been researching out of pocket options to see if I could supplement the coverage I'm missing. So far I haven't had any luck finding a plan that would work. Aflac has the coverage you mentioned but it has to be offered to you through group coverage, it isn't available for individual purchase. At least that is what was explained to me when I spoke to an agent. Maybe it varies by state.

MRSCORKER

@LakeR2014 That is such a good point! My immediate thought after reading your question was, maybe this isn't the right time to TTC but the truth of the matter is, I want to start my family ASAP. I don't want to wait to see what happens. I guess my career isn't as important to me as being a Mother. I guess I just answered my own question...

MamaMunn

MRSCORKER said:

@LakeR2014 That is such a good point! My immediate thought after reading your question was, maybe this isn't the right time to TTC but the truth of the matter is, I want to start my family ASAP. I don't want to wait to see what happens. I guess my career isn't as important to me as being a Mother. I guess I just answered my own question...

If having a family is more important at this time and the stability you want to have in place for that, I definitely think you just answered your own question.

LakeR2014

@MRSCORKER That's great!   I've found it's the best way to answer the hardest questions.   Take the worst-case scenario and see how you would react knowing that.   Sometimes thinking about it and putting ourselves there, makes the decision more easier and clearer for us.   Good luck on your TTC journey.

Bababatty

@MRSCORKER I'm sadly not surprised that there are so few options to supplement employer benefits. I thought that might be the case with Aflac. I've heard varying things, so figured I'd mention it.

I think your plan to wait and see which way you're leaning is good. If you decide you'd rather leave for the benefits, at least you'll have that as a backup if your employer can't find the funds to "compete" for you. Or maybe this will be the push they need to keep you (FX!).

Good luck!

MRSCORKER

Thank you all so much for your input. It has been so great being able to bounce ideas off of other people who are not personally invested! You ladies are great!

babymish

@mrscorker I personally would go for the old job with TTC, previously I would have said the one you love any day, but I know personally my work prioritise have changed now that we are planning for a baby and security, good mat leave and decent pay are higher on my list. I actually just changed jobs for this reason, start the new one on 30th Nov! 

I also thought when we do eventually have a little one, I won't want a high stress/low support job as it will probably be pretty exhausting enough at home ... but so fun

Obviously it your decision and everyone will have very different opinions

LoveIsOwlYouNeed

I worked a job I didn't love for the stability and benefits etc.  It almost crushed my spirit.  I wouldn't do that again.

And the happier you are, the happier your family will be.

OrangeEv

Is the new job always going to be high stress or is it because you've only had it a short period of time and getting used to it? Just wondering. My first instinct is to tell you the old job because for me, stress dramatically decreases my quality of life.

But there is a little part of me that is thinking "How will you feel in 18 years when your kid(s) are older and preparing to leave the house?" Will you regret not doing what you really loved when you had the chance? Family is great and one of the best things in life, in my opinion. But I also think you need to maintain some self-identity to be happy.

Another thought, since we don't know every detail of the situation: Can you go back to this field that you love when your kid(s) are older and in school? I like to have my cake and eat it too, so this is the option that has my vote.

KASG

Old job. "Low stress" #winner

ZoMania57

I can definitely relate. I'm at a place in my career right now where I could take on more responsibilities (and therefore more stress and more hours) to further my career or just stay where I'm at and have a good work/life balance. Right now since we're TTC my home life is more important to me so I'm planning on staying put. As long as you don't hate your old job, and still enjoy it to some extent, I think I would go back to that. Good benefits can make your life a lot easier. Good luck!

MRSCORKER

OrangeEv said:

Is the new job always going to be high stress or is it because you've only had it a short period of time and getting used to it? Just wondering. My first instinct is to tell you the old job because for me, stress dramatically decreases my quality of life.

But there is a little part of me that is thinking "How will you feel in 18 years when your kid(s) are older and preparing to leave the house?" Will you regret not doing what you really loved when you had the chance? Family is great and one of the best things in life, in my opinion. But I also think you need to maintain some self-identity to be happy.

Another thought, since we don't know every detail of the situation: Can you go back to this field that you love when your kid(s) are older and in school? I like to have my cake and eat it too, so this is the option that has my vote.

I think this job is stressful because of the nature of the position and because my boss is my mentor and someone that I feel a lot of personal pressure to impress (for lack of a better term). Part of it is that I'm the first person in the job so there was no training manual, we're just sort of developing procedure as we go along. I agree that I need to maintain my identity and think 20 years down the line. My mom gave up her career to stay home with my little sister and now that she's grown and out of the house, there aren't a lot of options out there for her. Man.... life decisions are hard. lol

gardeniagirlknits

A) about health insurance

Do you have other major health concerns besides having a baby? That is short term.

Hubby was recently offered a new contracted position in which we would be on our own for insurance... we turned it down because I once had cancer that could always come back.... I have an autoimmune disease that could always flare up, and this in turn, will make ttc nearly impossible but we are Certainly going to give it our best. So... The insurance that we "never used" is now very important.

Rewind a year ago? If he had been offered that job before my cancer diagnosis.... We would have taken it in a heart beat. We would have been screwed.

Your healthy until your not. Had we not had the amazing health insurance his company offered, our savings would have been GONE

Had he not been a low stress job with a flexible schedule and ability to partially work from home, I would have been going to many scary appointments alone. The sacrifice... He often works from home and I get sick of him being around. But... It's far less of a sacrifice that the alternative...

I hate to come from a fear Mongering place, I really do... But... I've seen what a difference great health insurance and low stress job can do when shit hits the fan.

about the job

I agree with above posters that you may LOVE your low stress job when you have a LO. No way of knowing now if baby will have special needs, is colicky or restless at night...

C) about choosing which sacrifices

Hubs and I made lot of geographical sacrifices in order for him to have the career move that made his mind AND bank account HAPPIER. There is ALWAYS a Sacrifice. always.

We sacrificed being geographically close to friends in family, but gained the financial ability for me to stay at home when our time comes for a LO (I know this isn't every ones thing... But for us, it was...) AND a great career move for him. But the sacrifices.... They were VERY REAL. Like.. being several hundred miles away from your family when you receive a Cancer diagnosis kind of sacrifice.

D) All that to advise you and hubs to....

1) List out your priorities. and THEN imagine yourself suffering the consequences of the sacrifices you've made to be there. If that doesn't scare you... Then go for it. If it does, then try out another scenario. But you really have to imagine... Put yourself there.

2) Try "writing a post" In response to you original post.... What would you say to someone in your position?

I hope this helps. Choices are hard. But no choices is harder. There is no such thing in "having it all"... The trick is finding peace in your sacrifices. And you sound super smart so I know you'll acheive this

Edit because I'm riding the struggle bus with spelling apparently...

MRSCORKER

@gardeniagirlknits... thank you SO MUCH for that. My family and friends are not helpful with this because they know how long I waited for a great career opportunity and they don't want me to "throw it away". Now that I have what I thought I wanted for so long, I feel like my priorities are different and that the stability I thought I could sacrifice is actually a deal breaker. If we had a medical emergency, an accident, or if there were complications with pregnancy/birth, we would go bankrupt in our current situation. 

I've been thinking of nothing else all day and I think I have a way forward. I'm going to take the weekend to think this through, sleep on it and talk to DH, and then I'm going to talk to my boss on Monday. If there is nothing he can do for me, I'm going to pursue the job at my old company. 

I'm so sorry for your health troubles. I hope that you are on your way back to wellness and FX for you on your TTC journey!

gardeniagirlknits

MRSCORKER said:

@gardeniagirlknits... thank you SO MUCH for that. My family and friends are not helpful with this because they know how long I waited for a great career opportunity and they don't want me to "throw it away". Now that I have what I thought I wanted for so long, I feel like my priorities are different and that the stability I thought I could sacrifice is actually a deal breaker. If we had a medical emergency, an accident, or if there were complications with pregnancy/birth, we would go bankrupt in our current situation. 

I've been thinking of nothing else all day and I think I have a way forward. I'm going to take the weekend to think this through, sleep on it and talk to DH, and then I'm going to talk to my boss on Monday. If there is nothing he can do for me, I'm going to pursue the job at my old company. 

I'm so sorry for your health troubles. I hope that you are on your way back to wellness and FX for you on your TTC journey!

I'm so glad that it was helpful. The no. 1 thing we Learned in all our choices was that the positives were never "free"... That there was always a sacrifice.. Once we Figured this out, choices became easier because we weren't blind sighted by the negatives, we WELCOMED them because the alternative wasn't Worth it.

I know sleep will be restless but I'm glad your going to sleep on it. Always a great idea.

You're relatives are well meaning but can't know what is in your heart of hearts. My relatives wanted me to get aa particular type of treatment for my cancer that was in my opinion OVERBOARD.... Why??! Because they LOVE ME and don't want to live without me. But the treatment that was "optional and could be put off for later" was going to lessen our ttc possibilities.... So... We, again, went with the sacrifice listing.method and came to our answer. Do what's right for you.

The painting of the same scene will always differ depending on the artist and will offer a different emotion to each person viewing the work. Love your picture YOU choose to Paint and others will figure out how to appreciate it too

MrsDho11

KASG said:

Old job. "Low stress" #winner

This.  Especially if you don't actively HATE old job.  If you hated it/dreaded going to it, I would say new job, but I'm personally rather into stability, etc.  And low stress.  Because high stress is the worst.

MRSCORKER

MrsDho11 said:

KASG said:

Old job. "Low stress" #winner

This.  Especially if you don't actively HATE old job.  If you hated it/dreaded going to it, I would say new job, but I'm personally rather into stability, etc.  And low stress.  Because high stress is the worst.

Yeah, the decision to take this job was an emotional one. I was thinking, "If it doesn't scare me, it isn't worth it". I've always been told that when you're comfortable, it's time to move on so that's what I did. Now, the grown-up/practical side of me is taking over and I'm realizing my decision was naive

MRSCORKER

Also, I told myself I would figure it all out when the time came. Well, the time has come...

lalalorelai

If it were me? I'd stay with the new job that pushed me out of my comfort zone. I'm kind of in the same position as you, except I've accepted a new job that I'll start in August (this is my last cycle where I could possibly give birth before my start date). My current job is with a university, so I have decent health insurance, a great retirement plan, and 12 weeks of paid maternity leave. My new job won't have any guaranteed leave, vacation, sick, maternity or otherwise. It's a one-year position so I don't qualify for FMLA. I will have the federal gov insurance, but that's it. It's fairly high stress and will involve at least a little bit of travel. I'll have to be applying for new jobs after my one-year term is up pretty much as soon as I start. But I'm not giving up either my new job or TTC because both are important to me. There are tons of people who would kill for my new job and it's a necessary step towards my dream position. It's not incredibly friendly to new mothers, and I might be naive to think I can make it work, but I'm determined to.

But. That's me. My career and my goals are an integral part of who I am. I want to be a mother with every fiber of my being but this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I am not going to give up. It's just not an option for me. The key words here are "for me", though. This is your decision.

See how you're reacting to the responses on this thread. To the ones who say go back to your old job: do you feel comforted, relieved, validated? And to the ones telling you to stay in your comfort zone, do you feel defensive? If so, you know what you truly, honestly want. Go with that. That's the only answer that's going to work.

babymish

@MrsCorker I don't think it was naive, I think it is brave to try new things and push yourself, particularly in work. I have always been a strong advocate of taking the odd risk, after all life is short. Plus you will always take away valuable things you had learned along the way and new skills.

It is great that your old job have reached back out to you and in a way the timing is excellent, whatever is meant to be and all that. I wouldn't have any regrets.

addyplusone

I think there is a reason that your old job reached out to you. You sound like an awesome worker. Personally I would do what helps benefit the family, but I have a hard time doing anything for me. Unless you have a one in a lifetime job, it's something you can go back to. Not necessarily the same company, but same style. My step-mom is an independent contractor with the state. She helps parents get back to where they need to be to get their children back or deem them not appropriate for parenthood anymore. It's extremely high stress, a lot of traveling within 2 hour distances, and no health insurance. My dad didn't have a job for a while, so she was the sole provider. Hours were random and sometimes wouldn't be done until 8. I'm sure if she was offered something in a similar situation with normal hours, great pay and insurance she would take it. She loves her field it's just very hard to make this job work with family.

But go with your heart and gut. Both can be very rewarding. But it sounds like you know what you are going to do from here. Good luck!

MRSCORKER

***UPDATE***

I just wanted to thank you ladies one more time for all of your advice. It was so great to get unbiased opinions which allowed me to really consider my options. Since my first choice would be to keep my current job AND to have the benefits/stability, I had a conversation with my boss and expressed my concerns. He immediately reached out to the higher ups who make those decisions and said he would advocate for me as much as he possibly can. I know it isn't an answer one way or another but at least he knows what my concerns are and we have a possible way forward.

Thanks again and happy Monday!

babymish

@Mrscorker - good thinking! FX that the powers that be do the right thing  

Infantino22

Two things to consider -- 1) you might want to talk to your current employer, as others have suggested, because finding $ in the budget to provide benefits is difficult, but so is recruiting, interviewing, and hiring for a position that you've happily filled -- so they will weigh that out. It's worth a shot. 2) you might also want to talk to your prospective/past employer about the things that frustrated you the last time around - how could you shift your role to make this a better fit this time around? Are there things you want to do or not do that he/she might consider adding/removing from the position to make it more enticing for you? If they're reaching out to you for the position, they value you and they might be willing/able to make some tweaks that would make it an easier decision for you.

I'm not sure what I'd do in this scenario; ultimately, it sounds like there are some positives and some negatives to each job, so maybe the insurance/lower stress is the deciding factor. I wouldn't rush to make any decision until you fully explore all of the possibilities with both employers. My organization is small (50 people) and I re-tool jobs for the right applicant -- it is possible in many cases.

Good luck, and congratulations on having multiple employers after you -- woo hoo!

MRSCORKER

Thanks @Infantino22. I spoke with my boss this morning and there is, unfortunately, nothing he can do for me. It's a government organization so his hands are tied. I'm pretty heartbroken. The other position would be a new challenge which is the total opposite of the old position. I was just bored and had gotten everything out of it that I could. I was just thinking too, even if I go back, I wouldn't be eligible for FMLA for 12 months so I'm kinda screwed there too. Ugh. Rock. Me. Hard place.

gardeniagirlknits

Oooooh I had never even thought about the fmla thing... Good catch. Positive thoughts to you.

MRSCORKER

gardeniagirlknits said:

Oooooh I had never even thought about the fmla thing... Good catch. Positive thoughts to you.

I guess it would really only apply if I get KU in the next 3 months. You just have to have been employed for 12 months on the day yourequest it. 

I've come to the decision that I'm going to reach out to my old company and at least sit down with the bosses and have a conversation. I have to be practical and make grown-up decisions and I can't stay in a position that offers no stability. If I was 23, I would stay and see what happens but I don't have that luxury now.