I just need to vent...

mamahazey

I'm having a really hard time with my mother in law.

We had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks in July. We had only told our families and asked that they not tell anyone. My mother in law took it upon herself to tell whoever she wanted. I was getting congratulated by people I don't know and even getting cards in the mail! I was really, really hurt and felt disrespected. And then when we found out we lost the baby, it was even worse! Because then people were still asking us how we were doing and how the baby was doing and we had to tell all of them. I was just starting to get over it and then last night happened...

My brother in law and his wife have 8 kids and needed our help trick or treating. We had to ride in a car with my in laws and 2 of the little girls. My 6 year old Niece feels the need to ask me about the baby every time she sees me... And last night it hit me wrong and I started crying. My mother in law comes and hugs me for way too long (I hate being touched anyway) and tells me how sorry she is and how much she loves me and THEN thinks it's the perfect opportunity to ask me if we're going to try again soon. First of all, when I'm crying about a baby I've recently lost why would she ask me about trying again? And second of all, why would she think I'm going to tell her? I don't want everyone that we know to know we are actively trying!!! It just really rubbed me the wrong way...

Thanks to anyone that read this entire thing. I had to get it out. :-S

valleric

Wow, that really sucks! Your mother in law should be the one telling everyone there isn't a baby anymore. Hard to explain to little ones.

ssnova

I'm so sorry for you loss, I mc at 12 weeks, it such a painful thing to go through without having to worry what information someone else is put out...what does your husband say about it? wheb we decided to tell family (patents and siblings) I made it very clear that it was to stay between us only...No telling the kids or posting on social media...I'm just very private...and I'm glad I did since we lost the baby..I'm so sorry for you and that you have to deal with that...if it were me I wouldn't tell her the next time or anyone that might tell her for that matter...its your baby you get to decide who gets to know...that might seem rude but that's just how I would feel about it...I wish you the best

mamahazey

My husband is finally upset with me. It caused quite a few issues at the very beginning because I was so hurt and I don't think he could really accept the fact that his mother was the one hurting my feelings. He was upset she asked me that last night and he doesn't want to tell his family next time until we've made it into the 2nd trimester.

I had 3 different conversation with her about telling people. The first time was when we told them. The second time was a week later when I found out she had been telling people and then I talked to her one more time. I just feel like she doesn't respect my wishes.

PeggyOlsonFTW

I'm so sorry @jennihaze

When we got pregnant with DS, we told everyone early because it was right around Christmas and it was the perfect opportunity. We asked that no one spill the beans until we gave them the go ahead, but MIL went and told everyone she knew anyway. When I got my second BFP this July, we told everyone in August and again asked people not to tell until we were ready. Cut to one month later, I was at a party at my ILs house and I had been lightly spotting for a few days and knew something was wrong. Every single woman (and I'm not kidding here - every.single.one. most of whom I barely knew) came up to me and congratulated my on my pregnancy. It was gut wrenching to hear everyone congratulating me when I knew something was wrong and they shouldn't have known about my pregnancy in the first place. Two days later a doctor confirmed my MMC. I'm still mad at MIL for that one. She won't be finding out about any future pregnancies until the second trimester.

mamahazey

I'm so sorry you've had a similar experience, @KDHB13. I understand they are excited... But it's not their news to share!

PeggyOlsonFTW

Agreed @jennihaze. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. 

R0824H

First, I'm so sorry for you loss, {{hugs}}

Second, I completely understand your frustrations/anger with your MIL, she was completely out of line and should have never gone against your wishes. I hope you find peace and I wish you the best of luck in your future ttc journey.

Plur106

I am so very sorry. I am going through the same thing. Except my mom told EVERYONE. She seriously told people that didn't even know we were expecting, that we lost our baby. I am getting emails and phone calls from people I haven't talked to in years. It is so frustrating and she never even told me that she was planning on telling anyone, or I would have told her not to. What hurts most is no one knows what you say and is making this so much worse. My mom seriously told me "at least you can drink for Halloween", and my friend said "at least it wasn't still born and fully developed", then my grandpa's wife says "well, now you can try to space your kids apart better, and maybe the baby was going to have problems". I can't handle it anymore. Since it has already happened, I can only offer my condolences, but I think you should tell your MIL to show more respect for your wishes before she does something like this again. And trust me, it will probably get worse if you don't. My mom is this way. She feeds my kids junk when I tell her not to, let's them throw tantrums and thinks it is funny, and is constantly doing stuff w/o my permission and her excuse "they are at grandma's". So I'd say something before it escalates.

mamahazey

Oh no! That is awful! I'm so sorry! I do plan on saying something because I've thought about that too... How when we finally do have kids, I don't know that I will be able to trust her with them. I'm just waiting to simmer down a little before I do.