Help! How would you handle this? (Women who have given birth before)

hellomommas

Hey ladies! Ahh! I need help with this:

My due date is around June 7th ish. BUT my past 2 babies have been late (the first one was 10 days late).

My brother just got engaged. Before they even got engaged I told them I was pregnant and that when they start planning, if they could not choose a wedding date around my due date, that would be great! I hate to be "involved" in their day like that--- I don't want to seem high maintenance... But at the same time, my brother and I are very close and I know he would Obviously want me to be there. I am pretty sure my sons would be the ring bearers.

ANYWAY... First he said they were thinking June 24 (!!!!????) and I said... "Ok... Well, I probably will not be able to be there." So then they thought... Maybe July 1 or 2!

SOOOO do you think I should just "let them" choose that? Or should I try to politely push for a later date? I feel like they just don't understand that when you give birth, you can't just jump in the car and drive 8 hrs and sit there bleeding at a wedding with a 2 week old! Haha! AND what if something went not according to plan and I have a C-section. I haven't had a c section before--- how long does it take to heal enough to attend a wedding!?

I do not want to seem like an overbearing sister or try to manipulate them to accommodate me... But on the other hand--- I really think they just don't understand the scope of childbirth and what healing is involved, etc. And I know they would feel disappointed if my family and I could not come to their wedding.

What would you do?

cjt121413

babyweber3 said:

Hey ladies! Ahh! I need help with this:

My due date is around June 7th ish. BUT my past 2 babies have been late (the first one was 10 days late).

My brother just got engaged. Before they even got engaged I told them I was pregnant and that when they start planning, if they could not choose a wedding date around my due date, that would be great! I hate to be "involved" in their day like that--- I don't want to seem high maintenance... But at the same time, my brother and I are very close and I know he would Obviously want me to be there. I am pretty sure my sons would be the ring bearers.

ANYWAY... First he said they were thinking June 24 (!!!!????) and I said... "Ok... Well, I probably will not be able to be there." So then they thought... Maybe July 1 or 2!

SOOOO do you think I should just "let them" choose that? Or should I try to politely push for a later date? I feel like they just don't understand that when you give birth, you can't just jump in the car and drive 8 hrs and sit there bleeding at a wedding with a 2 week old! Haha! AND what if something went not according to plan and I have a C-section. I haven't had a c section before--- how long does it take to heal enough to attend a wedding!?

I do not want to seem like an overbearing sister or try to manipulate them to accommodate me... But on the other hand--- I really think they just don't understand the scope of childbirth and what healing is involved, etc. And I know they would feel disappointed if my family and I could not come to their wedding.

What would you do?

I think I would tell them something like "I'm so happy for you! I will do my best to be there and hope to be recovered enough from child birth to attend at that time. " And then let it go. If they ask, then tell them your honest thoughts.

CourtJack

Aw man. What a predicament. I think given that you guys are close and your sons may even be ring bearers, I'd just have an honest chat with him that the likely hood of you being able to make it is small - if they choose one of those dates. I wouldn't think you'd need to actually ask them to move it if you explain why you wouldn't be able to do those dates. It's possible they don't realize just how much time you need around child birth. And really at this point there's a good chance you'll be overdue again - from what I've been told by my midwife, anyways. My first two kids were late-I'm betting this one will be too . Good luck. I hope you guys can figure something out. (And no I don't think you're being selfish or pushy at all)

NicknShan

I had my first a week before a wedding of some of our closest friends. I had a csection. And there was NO way I was going to make it. 2 weeks - yea, I could have.

That being said - this is their special day. And if they chose a date close to your due date, it must have been what works best for them. They cannot plan their lives around everyone, just like you should not plan your family around them. They know when you are due. And if you guys are close, I would just make the risk of not being able to go known to them, but ultimately, it is their choice and I am certain supporting them on their decision would mean the world to them. I personally wouldn't want a wedding that close to the 4th of July (if you are in America).

As for csection recovery, I was slow moving for a week. And by two weeks I was leaving the house.

Hugs. Hope it all works out!

ufsandra85

I was shopping 72 hours after my c section. I had a super easy recovery. Everyone is different

RNfromMN

Their day, up to them. If wedding dates were chosen around dates that work best for guests & members of the wedding party, I don't think anyone would ever be able to get married!

GinnyJ2012

I've never had a c-section so I can't help there. But if the wedding is 2 weeks post delivery I would think you could go. Knowing you may have to leave the ceremony (or your SO) with the baby. I took my 10 day old to a baby shower about 4 hours away. Other than having trouble finding a nice dress that I could nurse in it was easy. If you plan on breastfeeding I'd make sure your dress has easy access.

As for your brother, he knows when your due. You've had two kids and know when you feel up for more activity. I would let him know all the information, and then accept whatever date they choose. It's possible it might not work out.

agillespie15

I honestly don't think that it's anyone's place to chime in on when anyone else is planning to get married. That is their special day, and it would be wrong to ask them to change a date that they picked. Kindly explain that you will make every effort to be there, and if it falls wrong, that you may not be able to. They should understand. The new SIL will be very resentful of you if you try to pick the date for them, and that's not starting out very well in a new family. Good luck!!

TattoosandLace

I agree with the above posters. I have never had a c-section, so I can't speak to that. However, I remember how I felt when my SIL and MIL called my (now) husband to demand we change the time of our wedding because his sister was last minute asked to be in a parade.
Their wedding, their rules.
Just as you would be frustrated if you were told you had to change who was present in the delivery room.

CourtJack

I guess I'm in the minority here. But I think having a baby is one of the few legitimate reasons for asking a close friend or family member to take into consideration when planning a wedding. I wouldn't be offended at all if someone close to me - who I really want at my wedding - asked me to keep in mind her due date.

fishwife799

I had a c section with my first. I had an infection in my incision and my recovery was very slow. I traveled 8 hours to attend my BIL's wedding at 5 weeks PP. I could have done it earlier even with the rough recovery.
That said it is their day. You can politely tell them it may be hard for you to attend if it is planned so soon after your due date but when it comes down to it they pick. Good luck

hellomommas

Oh I totally agree with all of you saying it's their day and I shouldn't pick their day! That's the whole reason I am asking how to handle this... For my brothers sake--- I just know he would be extremely disappointed if I wasn't there and I think they just honestly do not know why it would be a question that we couldn't make it.
I would be resentful too @TattoosandLace if someone asked me to change my wedding time for a freakin' parade!!! But I think this is a little different than that. Haha. My point is: I would be devastated not being able to make it to his wedding... BUT I am asking for their sake primarily! I know he would hate it if we couldn't be there.

hellomommas

I appreciate all of your input women who have had c-sections. I didn't know about how long it takes to recover so it's good to hear your experiences with what you were able to do!

HeartLikeMine3

I would just set him down and say you plan your wedding whatever date works best for you but know there is a good chance I wont be able to make it if it's in this time frame. There are a lot of variables when giving birth that cannot be predicted. Then it's his decision and you can't feel guilty if you can't make it. I am missing my brothers wedding this year too but it was already planned and I wont be able to fly it's about 2-3 weeks from my EDD.

blauwiek

Honestly I had a c-section and was back on my feet doing everything I did before (including farm chores) by 2 weeks no big deal.  I would also talk to your OB I know our office has already told me they'll be taking the baby a week early, I'm low risk no issues scheduled c-section, it's just their policy.  Not that you'd want to do induction if you didn't have to but it may be an option.  All in all I wouldn't worry to much about it if it works great if not I'm sure they will understand and it just might be your motivation to get back going quicker too. 

PressLove

I agree that they probably don't understand.  I didn't fully understand before I became a mom.  Weddings can be such touchy subjects. Is it possible for your kids to still participate in the wedding if you don't attend?  I would thank the couple for considering you and let them know you probably will not make it. Let them decide where to take it from there.  Also, please ensure your future SIL is part of the conversation.  There may be a location, seasonal flower, or other driver to the dates they have chosen.

chloe97

I just got married so wedding planning etiquette is fresh on my mind. If you B and FSIL were to post this question on TK, the response would be unanimous-if you want your sister there then pick a date that works for her- don't expect your post-partum sister to make your wedding 2 week after giving birth. None of that "it's your special day" crap flies on that board!

I don't think you should be pushy, but I would just pick a date that you feel confident that you would most like be recovered by and say "I can do my best, but I can't promise you that I will be able to make it if you have the wedding before xx date."

I would be prepared to be hurt if they ultimately choose a date before you think you'd be ready. Unfortunately, there could be other people or life events that they need to accommodate. I don't think that you should feel like you need to push yourself to make it-put your needs and your baby's needs first!

Btwilhelm

No personal experience but I just attended a wedding with my sil who gave birth 2 1/2 weeks prior. She had to have a c section but she seemed to be having a very easy recovery. The wedding was in town though so no worry about traveling.

goldie987

I think, given you told them you were expecting before they got engaged, that you aren't out of line asking them to accommodate you in the date. Like PP said, I think your only option would be to give them the timeframe around your due date where you would be comfortable attending and let them pick what they want to pick with that knowledge.

june2016baby

My c-section experience is as follows:
1st c-section: perfectly fine by day 5
2nd c-section: fine by day 7
3rd c-section: horrible first week (some complications,) ok by 2
1/2 weeks, fine by 3 weeks

My guess is that even if you do go 10 days late AND also have a c-section, that you would be ok to travel by the beginning of July.

BPaisley

I agree that you shouldn't try to "make them" change their date or anything, which it is clear that you are not. I think you should definitely make it better understood to them that you may not be recovered enough to attend at their current choices. You may want to give a better time frame for their sake, since they don't really understand the recovery process. Like, tell them you could go as late as 10 days past your due date and would probably need a 3 week recovery to really ensure that you can make it - that way they will know what dates might be better.

It's nice that they considered you in the first place by changing the date, so they clearly want to make it work for you, they just didn't quite understand the length of recovery when they did.

candicek15

I think you can keep it simple. Let them know the time frame that you think you won't be able to make it and then they can do what they want from there. Then they can choose their priority, date/venue or making sure you're there. You never know what will happen anyway, I just had a friend go into early labour and deliver at 24 weeks. Anything can happen so hopefully everyone can be flexible and roll with whatever happens. Good luck!

mrsb8244

I haven't given birth before but have a story that relates to your topic. My cousin and his wife were expecting their baby late May and her sister had her wedding planned for mid June. Well baby came late and she needed a c-section so baby was born in June and the wedding was less than 2 weeks later. She was the matron of honor in the wedding. The only problem she ran into was her dress didn't fit because her boobs were too big so they went to David's Bridal the week of the wedding and found a new dress.

Long story short she made it to the wedding, baby did great, and she felt okay through the ceremony and reception.

Good luck!

mebaby333

Why not May?

totsabounding

I was supposed to be in my brother's wedding but my due date with my DD definitely made it an impossibility with traveling, etc. I told them I was so sad to miss it and they completely understood. It was a bit of a different scenario because their date had been set before I found out I was pregnant, but what I wanted to share is that they arranged with a friend of theirs for her to make a special video of the wedding just for me and I got to watch it soon after. It was very special, with people saying hi to us on the video, and they even toasted the birth of my daughter during the reception. I know missing a family wedding is a bummer, but that was a great way to "be a part of it" from afar.

scotten

I had a csection (6 days late), and attended my BIL's wedding reception two weeks later. You won't be the most comfortable, but the beauty of a family wedding is that there will probably be a ton of people around to help you out!

You never know what will happen - you could be 10 days early this time! If it were me, I would vote for the early July date and tell them honestly it's a 50/50 chance that you'll be there.

RMLandy

I would never ask/tell someone to plan their wedding date around me. The furthest I would go would go be to explain the situation so they're aware that either way, it's possible you might not make it, then let them decide.

hellomommas

RMLandy said:

I would never ask/tell someone to plan their wedding date around me. The furthest I would go would go be to explain the situation so they're aware that either way, it's possible you might not make it, then let them decide.

@RMLandy I may have mis-phrased my original post--/ I have no intention of asking them to plan around me. And I'm certainly not the kinda girl to tell anyone to plan around me! The thought of that makes me want to barf! Or maybe it's the morning sickness. Haha ANYWAY... It's More so- I want to make sure they are informed what to expect from me attendance-wise. Basically--- I just don't think they realize why there is a chance I couldn't come... Because I KNOW they wouldn't purposely pick a date that even had a chance of me not being there. Like I said- my brother and I (and his fiancé) have a great relationship- so-- it's not one of those "distant... Not really important that you're there" kinda relationships.

Linsbins

To me it sounds like they really want you there and were asking you about dates. They don't have to ask and they don't have to plan around you, but it sounds like they are considering doing just that, which I think is sweet. It would be one thing to make them put it off six months or something like that, but they're talking about a week. Maybe give them a timeline and how likely it would be that you could make it on certain dates and let them go from there. Ex- my due date is x, I'm likely to go x plus two weeks, and I won't be there before x plus four weeks. Then they know their chances of having you there.

Uniquewayz

Hi...

I would just sit down and talk to your brother, I'm pretty sure this can all be resolved with a good conversation and like you said you guys are close! And whatever the outcome is both parties have to understand.
Me personally I wouldn't choose a date around my sisters or brothers due dates bc I would want to share those days... wedding baby and all other huge events with them

mpjeno

I would just let them know that you'll do everything you can to be there and be present for their day -- but given the unpredictable nature of childbirth, you can't guarantee you'll make it to a June wedding. As close as you are, there may be other circumstances that are dictating the day of the wedding and they are trying to be as accommodating as they can to as many of their loved ones.

Then I think part of it is kind of on you. Sure, you might not be the most comfortable driving 8 hours with a newborn, having to stop often to use the restroom, nurse/feed, etc., but if that is the day they choose and the two of you are that close, then you should make whatever effort necessary to get there, in my opinion.

As for c-sections. It can be very different for each woman. My c-section recovery was a breeze, but a friend's was awful. So it's hard to say how your body would react to a potential c-section.

Either way, good luck! Hope you get the surprise of a healthy baby just a few days early so none of this is even a real issue

Corts

LMAO at people who are telling you to sick it up and drive 8 hours with a newborn...that is just plain absurd. Your brother has a right to get married whenever he wants just like you have the right to birth a baby without being expected to go trekking long distance with it immediately after. Send a nice gift and don't stress.

feenstas

I'm in a similar predicament. My best friend asked me to be her matron of honor a month before my due date. My first came early and we live 15 hours away, so there is no possible way I could do that (or travel that far at all). It's a hard conversation to have because you want to be there and to be supportive, but you need to keep yourself and baby happy and safe first and foremost. 

I wouldn't ask them to change the date; just explain the situation and if they do change it, great. If not, it's unfortunate but there is not much you can do. 

Saracp78

Someone's wedding day is a very special event and built around them. You say you two are very close, if they pick a day close to your due date it must be for a good reason??? My husband and I had our date and nothing could have changed that for us. You'll have you baby and they will have there wedding day!!!

MamaCoffin

I did the hair for a wedding the weekend before I was due with my first, and attended a wedding of a close friend a week and a half after she was born. Sure I was "sitting on a pad and bleeding" but so what. I had bled every month for 15 years before getting pregnant.

Personally I think you're being very selfish. It's their day. You have no say. If you aren't in the process of giving birth and you really want to be there, you will be.

Corts

jenmlangtake2 said:

I did the hair for a wedding the weekend before I was due with my first, and attended a wedding of a close friend a week and a half after she was born. Sure I was "sitting on a pad and bleeding" but so what. I had bled every month for 15 years before getting pregnant.

Personally I think you're being very selfish. It's their day. You have no say. If you aren't in the process of giving birth and you really want to be there, you will be.

This is by far the most ludicrous advice I have heard all day.

MamaNicoleof3

Corts said:

jenmlangtake2 said:

I did the hair for a wedding the weekend before I was due with my first, and attended a wedding of a close friend a week and a half after she was born. Sure I was "sitting on a pad and bleeding" but so what. I had bled every month for 15 years before getting pregnant.

Personally I think you're being very selfish. It's their day. You have no say. If you aren't in the process of giving birth and you really want to be there, you will be.

This is by far the most ludicrous advice I have heard all day.

Agree 100%. Holy snark. And I love snark.

MamaNicoleof3

MamaNicoleof3 said:

Corts said:

jenmlangtake2 said:

I did the hair for a wedding the weekend before I was due with my first, and attended a wedding of a close friend a week and a half after she was born. Sure I was "sitting on a pad and bleeding" but so what. I had bled every month for 15 years before getting pregnant.

Personally I think you're being very selfish. It's their day. You have no say. If you aren't in the process of giving birth and you really want to be there, you will be.

This is by far the most ludicrous advice I have heard all day.

Agree 100%. Holy snark. And I love snark.

Not sure why it's not including the original post this is directed at

MamaNicoleof3

Gah. Never mind.

hellomommas

jenmlangtake2 said:

I did the hair for a wedding the weekend before I was due with my first, and attended a wedding of a close friend a week and a half after she was born. Sure I was "sitting on a pad and bleeding" but so what. I had bled every month for 15 years before getting pregnant.

Personally I think you're being very selfish. It's their day. You have no say. If you aren't in the process of giving birth and you really want to be there, you will be.

Ha ha! Your response made me laugh out loud. You deserve a standing ovation for your achievement in bleeding at nuptials near and far!

A tidbit that I did not include but may make you reevaluate your assumption that I am in fact just being selfish is: our father died in a car accident 3 years ago... We don't have any cousins... we have a fairly small family. My husband and I not being there with our boys is like half of the family not being there. My deepest desire is to support and be there for my brother on his wedding day... As I know it will be emotional feeling the absence of my dad. And this is a once in a lifetime opportunity--- I would NEVER make an unworthy excuse to not be there which is why I trying to "plan" as much as I can to absolutely be there for him. I would give birth in the bathroom if I had to! *maybe* haha! Anyway... Thank you for your rebuke and sharing your menstrual history with me. I feel a lot closer to you now.

MamaNicoleof3

babyweber3 said:

jenmlangtake2 said:

I did the hair for a wedding the weekend before I was due with my first, and attended a wedding of a close friend a week and a half after she was born. Sure I was "sitting on a pad and bleeding" but so what. I had bled every month for 15 years before getting pregnant.

Personally I think you're being very selfish. It's their day. You have no say. If you aren't in the process of giving birth and you really want to be there, you will be.

Ha ha! Your response made me laugh out loud. You deserve a standing ovation for your achievement in bleeding at nuptials near and far!

A tidbit that I did not include but may make you reevaluate your assumption that I am in fact just being selfish is: our father died in a car accident 3 years ago... We don't have any cousins... we have a fairly small family. My husband and I not being there with our boys is like half of the family not being there. My deepest desire is to support and be there for my brother on his wedding day... As I know it will be emotional feeling the absence of my dad. And this is a once in a lifetime opportunity--- I would NEVER make an unworthy excuse to not be there which is why I trying to "plan" as much as I can to absolutely be there for him. I would give birth in the bathroom if I had to! *maybe* haha! Anyway... Thank you for your rebuke and sharing your menstrual history with me. I feel a lot closer to you now.

Best. Response. Ever.