Intro / lost my son at 37w, 6d

chola81

Sorry if this is long.

I lost my baby boy last Friday and I'm still in shock. I went for my weekly follow up last Weds and my OB said my amniotic fluid was a little low. Baby had a strong heartbeat, but OB told us to come back on Friday and if the fluid was still low, he'd induce that day. I spent the next two days getting the house ready and packing my bag and didn't really pay attention to my body and the baby's kicks. Looking back on it, my baby moved less and less, but I was in hyper nesting mode and figured it'd be ok on Friday. I still remember the last kick I felt early Friday morning.

When we went in on Friday for the follow up, we were totally expecting that we'd deliver the baby that day. At the appointment my OB was silent for a long time during the sonogram and then told us there was no heartbeat. I never heard my husband wail and cry so hard. We went to the hospital so I could be induced and about 16 hours later I delivered my gorgeous baby Adrian. I only had to push once and my OB could see that the cord was wrapped tightly around my sons neck.

My husband and I are having a memorial service tomorrow and our son will be cremated (we later plan to scatter his ashes over the city by plane).

I constantly think about that day at the dr office and my husbands cry. And I know there was nothing I could've done but I can't shake the thought that if I had just paid attention to my body better after weds and told my husband the baby wasn't moving as much, we might have our baby today.

And what kills me most is to see my husband mourning our loss. He's been amazing and doing his best to stay strong for me. But I feel like I failed him, my son Adrian and our whole family.

indy_chic

I am sorry for your loss. I cannot offer any advice as I seem to be just getting by but can offer support as I am going through a very similar experience.
I lost my 40 week old daughter just under 4 weeks ago, also to cord accident. We were in complete shock, sadness, anger to name a few and are still experiencing these amongst others.
My biggest what if, is "what if i had my rcs rather than vbac". It makes me sick to my stomach. If I (it was my decision to do vbac based on OB recommendation) had csec, she would be here today, now. My newest, is feelings of guilt. Guilt that I didn't do that right thing but not being able to do anything about it. I wish we could swallow a little tiny pill, press a button, and be at the exact moment when we could change time. We would have a daughter, a sibling for my son and a world of happiness.

fiorip

I'm very sorry for your lost, it's unmeasurable the amount of pain you feel when you lose a child. Almost three months ago I was right were you are, blaming myself and my body and let me tell you, there is nothing you could have done, thinking you should have known will not help you, you couldn't have foreseen what happened. Don't put this on you, it's already hard enough, it's just one of those awful things that happen in life, an accident.

Adrian will always be in your heart, he is your precious little angel. I think about my son everyday. You never forget, it gets easier as time passes, you learn to live through the pain.

My husband was trying to be strong for me, I knew he was devastated and tried to comfort him but couldnt find the way. I decided I needed therapy, it helped me understand that in order to help him I needed to help myself first, go through my grief, cry, and mourn my son, don't be afraid to fall apart just know you will get back up but give yourself the time to mourn your baby. Once I stopped blaming myself I was able to get my husband to open up and mourn together. You have to be a little selfish, you carried this baby to term, no one is in more pain and has been through more than you. Worry about you, about you healing, then you can get through it together.

JessieandAdam

I'm so very sorry for your losses. I don't know what else to say ... I've had 3 losses of my own and know how hard it is to lose your dream in an instant. Please know I'm sending postive thoughts your way and truly hope you and your husband feel better. They will never be forgotten.

msunshine123

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Adrian. Please do not feel guilty - we all know we would have done everything and anything to save our babies if we could have, but it really was out of our hands. I lost my son at 39 weeks over a year ago - day of delivery. The cord had been around his neck 1x and we were told most likely the combination of the cord position and my labor starting stopped his heart. We were devastated and heartbroken. Those first few weeks and months were so hard, but I'm here to tell you it gets better. You'll always miss and love your son, but the intensity of the pain becomes less sharp with time. Be patient and kind to yourself over the next few days and weeks. Know you are an incredible mother always. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.

MamaBish

I'm so very sorry for the loss of Adrian. It's so hard. The what ifs and the self blame are perfectly normal. I still deal with it 7 months later. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other. I am sending love and hugs to you and your husband. Love each other and help each other through this.