The dark thoughts no one wants to admit to having

MrsAlT68

Infertility teaches you a lot about your body, your partner, your relationship, and yourself.  It can even show you the darkest parts of yourself.  Based on my own experience and those of other women, I have compiled some of the thoughts that creep into the shadows.  If you have thought any (or all) of these, just know that you are not alone. Remember, infertility is a loss.  And loss needs grief: the dark parts come with the territory.

  

- Sometimes I’m not just jealous, or sad, I am truly not happy for that person that is pregnant.

- I judge the crap out of everyone: they weren’t even trying to get pregnant, they are too young or too old, they will make horrible parents, they don’t deserve a child

- I can convince myself I am pregnant, no matter what, even though I know I am not.

- Sometimes I hope people’s pregnancies/labors are horrible

- Sometimes I think I did something wrong

- I resent my husband for not being able to give me a child

- I feel inadequate as a woman for not being able to do the most fundamental thing a human should be able to do

- I Sometimes I hope peoples babies are difficult babies

- My husband doesn’t really understand

- I wish there was something wrong with my husband’s sperm so that it wasn’t all my fault

- I blame my body

- I wish they would tell me definitively I can’t get pregnant so I can let go of the hope

- This is really hard on my marriage

- Maybe I am not meant to be a mother

Feel free to share any other thought you (or your "friend") have had so other women know its ok to feel t hat way sometimes too.

wifeinraleigh28

I've had a number of these, but the #1 thought that I have multiple times per day is, "What if I NEVER get pregnant EVER?!"  (

kwetsell

Delurking to say, "Thank you!" I feel almost every single one of these and it is really encouraging to know I am not alone. 

I get so angry and hateful when I hear that someone had such an easy pregnancy and labor. Then I feel like I can't wait for something bad to happen to them. Then I feel terrible. 

UGH

ceclarlinetlo

You are right. I do think we all have similar feelings in this journey. I can say 7 of those statements are ones that I have definitely felt before.

When I have really bad days I give myself permission to do what I need to do to get through the day - cry, eat my feelings, think all the mean thoughts - but after that I tell myself that the important thing is to pick up and keep going the next day. Bitterness can eat us alive if we aren't careful to keep these feelings in check. I don't think the answer is pretending we don't have these feelings at all. I don't think we can move past it - we have to work through it and that means letting ourselves feel what we feel - even the "ugly, dark" feelings.

Thanks for sharing.

LauraNick2010

Thanks for sharing. I have definitely thought a lot of these. I hate being told it'll happen when you quit trying my thought is "are you f***ING serious there is more than just having sex to make a baby but oh you wouldn't know because you weren't trying"

BrightenMySky

I have also had a number of these.  The feelings about other people (who are pregnant and wear maternity shirts that say "baby" all over them, who tell me to "relax," etc.) are easier for me to live with than the feelings I have about myself.  I feel like I have hope now because I am relatively new to my journey with my RE and on my second IUI cycle, so I have a lot of options to try, but I also wonder how I feel when I reach the maximum number of IUIs I will do, will I go to IVF, how many IVF cycles will I do...and that is a hard place in my head to get out of.  

Thanks for sharing and hugs.

MrsAlT68

ceclarlinetlo said:

You are right. I do think we all have similar feelings in this journey. I can say 7 of those statements are ones that I have definitely felt before.

When I have really bad days I give myself permission to do what I need to do to get through the day - cry, eat my feelings, think all the mean thoughts - but after that I tell myself that the important thing is to pick up and keep going the next day. Bitterness can eat us alive if we aren't careful to keep these feelings in check. I don't think the answer is pretending we don't have these feelings at all. I don't think we can move past it - we have to work through it and that means letting ourselves feel what we feel - even the "ugly, dark" feelings.

Thanks for sharing.

I completely agree! Very well said. Anytime someone asks how to not feel a certain way, I always say you dont. Feel it, and then move on to a different feeling

thehunterswife

I am in tears right now because I literally thought I was the only person who thinks these things and that I am a horrible person for thinking them.

Thank you. Thank you for sharing this!!

Whiggrrl65

Thank you for sharing. I often feel a lot of these thoughts.

riveridgional

I hate these b****es so much right now. I come to the park to find some peace after my BFN this morning and here they are in the spot I was planning to go to, just exercising away with their babies in strollers in front of them. I hope God's getting a good laugh up there at my expense at the irony in this situation.

ahende04

I totally 100% agree and have thought of most if not all of these things! I always had an inkling I would have trouble

lablover78

Well.....I was feeling good when I read this thread last night.  But I am at work and out of nowhere I started having all these negative thoughts about an old friend who has 3 beautiful daughters. I relate 1000%. I hate these thoughts. I was glad to have this board to refer to, knowing that it is "normal." 

ErinJoshua2011

I've thought several of these multiple times and would then think to myself how horrible I must be for thinking them. It is comforting to know I'm not alone in my thoughts. I feel like everyone I know is making pregnancy announcements...plus I'm a registered nurse in labor and delivery...it's constantly in my face but I'm just trying to have faith that one day it will happen for me! Thanks for posting!

jbal918

I love this post for the fact that I have felt every single one of these and I hate it because we all are going through it! One of my biggest fears is not becoming a Mom and giving my husband a child and in my head right now, I feel like it's coming true and I'm terrified!
*edited for grammar mistake

taragust

I was reading this going OMG yes! Yes! Yes! Me too! I hate that we all have to feel this way, but I take comfort knowing that it's normal and I'm not alone!

heincm

I have a number of these thoughts, and it pains me because I am a positive person and this infertility journey has changed me a bit. My sister is pregnant with her 3rd, she had an IUD and got pregnant anyway. She has 2 girls and was hoping for a boy, I was hoping for a girl because her pregnancy really cut me deep..its a boy btw.

I wonder why God does not hear my cries and prayers all the time, thats hard. I'm working on this one currently, working on accepting His timing in my life.

Above all I worry that I'll never be a mommy and that guts me, I cant and wont accept that.

Im glad someone put it out there loke this, so we can all see that these thoughts happens, and we are not alone when we have them:) Good to know I'm not just a mean B***h lol.

MrsAlT68

I am so glad you all "enjoy" this post (I was somewhat worried no one would agree or understand and just think I'm a nut job haha) I'm so sorry we all have to feel even a single one of these

starlitfae

I want to save this lol.  I told my husband and my best friend that I totally understand why people steal babies now   And when I was in school and a girl announced her pregnancy I went into the break room and cried my eyes out, and I thought to myself that it wasn't fair, and she would be a horrible mother while I would be a great one.

On the bright side (is there a bright side?) this is a normal thing.  I see a therapist who went through the whole infertility thing eventually having kids via IVF, and he shared with me and my DH some of the things his wife went through during the process.  It helps to realize that this is part of the process.  Kind of.  You know what I mean.

On a similar note, are there places that anyone avoids?  When DH and I go to Walmart I will go out of my way to avoid the baby section.  He, thankfully, indulges me.

srenk08

Ive thought all those. My reoccurring thought is "I deserve this. I had two easy conceptions, I have two healthy kids. I don't deserve a third"