Working moms, back me up here...

khochanadel

I told my parents about our twin pregnancy over the weekend. My mom's reaction was predictably lackluster, then she asked me when I would be quitting my job. When I said I had no intention of quitting, she said something about giving me inheritance (yeah, right) early if it meant I got to stay home with my babies. I explained to her that it wasn't about money (although compared to paying for twins in day care we would take a huge hit if my salary went to zero), that it was about the fact that I worked really hard to get where I'm at, and that I really love what I do. (Also, Mom, I don't need your money.)

I know there are women who go SAHM and love it, but I just instinctively know this is not me. The twins will be my first so who knows, everything could change, but how do you working moms out there deal with people who are unsupportive of your career choices or assume that you are not doing right by your child by providing them professional care? All the love in the world to all moms, working, not working, and everything in between.

buffythevampireslayer

I also plan to work. We live in such an expensive part of the country it's hard to even fathom the idea of not working. This is probably good training for the slew of opinions we will all deal with about the choices we make as parents. I think the best thing you can do is let it roll off your back and stand firm in your decisions for your family. Only you know what is best for you, and you have the right to change your mind at any moment without justification. My mother is also extremely opinionated about various aspects of parenting and I know she's going to say stuff to piss me off. I just reiterate that I have a very different life than she did at my age and created a life for me that allowed me to have incredible choices that she didn't have, one of which is the ability to be the breadwinner for my family. I think parents have expectations about how their grandchildren will live just like they expectations about their kids and they will just need to learn the hard way!

cortney626

I'm a full time working mom. Being a SAHM just isn't for me for various reasons. Financially, the adult interaction, I enjoy my job and the satisfaction I get from it, etc. I would just tell your mom this is the best option for your family, while she may not understand, you hope she can be supportive. That's what it comes down to...doing what's in the best interest of your family. Whether is SAHM or returning to work, BF or Formula, cloth diaper or disposable, etc.

vinerie

I plan to work, also. My career is like a baby, in some ways. I can't imagine giving it up. I will make sacrifices for both my child and my career. 

dshannah

Not to mention the good you are doing by modeling for your children that they can do and be anything they want to be in life, that hard work and persistence pays off, that vocations are just that--callings--that should be listened to.

And also they have done studies that show it's not the amount of time you spend with your kids that matters, but the amount of quality time.

My mom is b*d*ss and worked as a prosecuting attorney for 30 years (suffering through and overcoming sexism at every turn) before turning corporate. Not only has she had a fulfilling career that her three kids can emulate, but she's been able to make enough money to give us more opportunities than any kid could dream to expect, and now she can afford to be the best grandma even though she lives across the ocean and across the country from her kids.

Not only that, but she never missed a beat. We had live in nannies, but for all the important stuff my mom was there. The nannies did the cleaning and the cooking and the shuttling around, and my parents helped on our homework, baked for our bake sales, glued together a big*ss plastic dinosaur so I could take it to my kindergarten class for show and tell... She took us to all of our doctors appointments and came to all our school recitals, all while putting away criminals in her spare time.

I know it's a cliche, but I have no idea how she did it, and if I can be half as awesome as she is I'll count my life well lived:)

lest12

I am a full-time working mom as well.  I really like what I do.  And, not to sound braggy, but at 34 years old I'm really proud of what I've accomplished as far as education and what I've achieved in my career, and yea, my salary.  I have had people suggest that I stay home and truly it isn't even an option for us, which is fine, but I feel insulted regardless because I feel like the suggestion alone belittles both my personal accomplishments and also what I contribute to my family. 

 

Sometimes I do wish I could be a SAHM, but that is usually when I'm having a rough week and just really miss DS.  But overall, it's nice to have the balance.  Pre-kids, I really stressed out way too much about stuff that went on in my office that didn't really matter (in hindsight).  One recent stressful situation aside, I have a very different attitude now (come in, get my job done well, go home).  On the flip side, I love the time I spend with DS, but it's definitely nice to have another outlet and something that is "me" or "mine".

Either way, good luck and I agree with PP, just say it is the best decision for your family and leave it at that.  People are always going to have comments on how we live our lives, and it just gets a million times worse once you have kids.  Try not to even pay attention!

proudparent2b

It's tough. Financially, there's no way we could make it without my salary (I bring in benefits and half our household income), but even still, I wouldn't want to quit my job. I'm still working hard to advance my career and get paid fairly for my advanced education, and I feel like it would all be a waste to drop out now.

From what I've read, even just taking 1-2 years off is enough to reduce one's future earnings by 20-30%, to say nothing of the extra years required to get back to the same career level.

However, I do work remote and my boss is somewhat flexible on hours, so I'm hoping that will be more helpful for when my kid starts school (no need for before/after school care).

lionstigersbears

I'm currently a working mom considering becoming a SAHM, so maybe I have something to add here. When I was pregnant with DS I got all sorts of questions...will I come back to work? When will I find out the sex? When will we have a sibling? It's just endless. In addition to the already mentioned influences of changes generation to generation, I truly believe people just don't think through what they say sometimes. Especially family, and sometimes even more so when you have a good relationship, because they think it's always going to be okay and/or don't realize the emotionally charged nature of the topic. Personally I never ever thought I'd be considering being a SAHM before DS came along. It was hard going back to work but I told myself I had to give it a fair shot. I basically fell back into a rhythm that over time I just know is not right for me or our family. It's going to take some time to be ready to leave my position, but I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of making a change when the spring comes around. To pass on the insight of many bumpies yesterday... do what you believe in your heart to be right for your family, whatever that is! Career moms are awesome moms, just like every other kind of mom! And, as @countrygrl5533 said, always remember that no decision has to be forever.

jessiedee13

I'm a SAHM by choice and I get the same amount of grief for that. I admire working mothers. You have to do what's best for you and your family. Before I had kids I was working just random jobs trying to figure out what I wanted to do. When I got pregnant with my first I started babysitting and it was the best thing I'd ever done! I still babysit and stay home with my kids. But I do it because it's what I want to do and it makes me happy and because I can financially. I'm the only SAHM in my family and I babysit for family. They all have amazing careers doing what they love! And that's awesome! Becoming a mom doesn't mean you have to give that up. In fact, it could motivate you to do even better in your career! Ive seen it happen! Do what's best for you and your family. Just remember that no one knows what's best for your family better than you

nsouplynn

I was a SAHM to my daughter and I decided to go back to work when she was 2.5 years old. Pretty much no one was supportive of my decision (besides my husband and my mom) because they told me "If ain't broke, don't fix it." I was completely devastated of the responses I got from some family members. I am REALLY happy that I went back to work. Sure, it's exhausting working full-time but it's rewarding in the end. I know in my heart that this works for my family. Only you know what's best for your family!

swflJD

@khochanadel - I completely understand where you are coming from.  Even if I didn't make over double what DH makes and we could afford for me to stay home, I wouldn't want to.  I worked too hard to get my doctorate, overcome gender biases in a male-dominated industry, and build the career that I have to just give it up.  There is no way I could be satisfied being a SAHM.  I understand that some women want to stay home, and there is nothing wrong with that (my mom did).  I get that being a SAHM can be a challenging and rewarding job, but I just know it isn't a lifestyle that would fulfill me.  I need adult interaction and intellectual stimulation that you just can't get by staying at home with children.

I would have a very frank discussion with your mom and let her know that while you understand that being a SAHM is the dream of many women, it just isn't yours.  It isn't fair for her or anyone else to make assumptions about what you should and shouldn't do with your life and career.  You can be a great mom and still have a great career.  Having a career doesn't mean you love your kid any less. 

@dshannah - As an attorney, I hope I can pull off what your mom did.  That's my goal, at least!       

mrstmoose

I also plan to continue to work. Like you said, we may change our minds at some point but we would have to plan that out. I think it's strange that your mom wants you to quit your job and take your inheritance early but that's just me. I would let you mom know that you want to continue to work and that it's something you enjoy. Hopefully she'll come around and if not, does it really affect her life?

chottomotto

I did not enjoy being a SAHM. I did it for 18 months, put my first child in daycare the last month of my 2nd pregnancy, and now both kids are in full time preschool. I only work part time from home and I get a lot of crap for it, but my finances are good and I'm happy. My kids are super smart, well behaved, cheerful, and popular with their classmates and teachers. We're thriving and it gets easier to ignore outside opinions as you get comfortable with your own choices.

Also have you chosen a daycare and reserved spots yet? I live in a busy area and got the last spot on the waitlist for June. With twins, not only do you need 2 spots but they tend to be born earlier than 40 weeks, so you reserve earlier. I hope you find a place you love that eases any doubts you may be having about seeking childcare.

Dantzscher32

I've had this conversation with my working-mom friends and my stay-at-home mom friends. We all have different strengths. My husband had a mom that stayed home and he expected me to do the same. We got in a lot of arguments over it and my role as a working mom. But he has seen that I am my best when I work. Work is my "me-time." I come home and I'm energized. I'm ready to hear about their day and play.  

You certainly don't have to prove yourself, but it may take time to let others see how this works for you. And you are allowed to change your mind! One of my working-mom friends is so successful and after her second child, she really had the urge to quit and be a full-time mommy. 

YouGoGlenCoco31

I'll go back to work full-time after baby.  It's hard, but I'm guessing it's also hard being a SAHM.  I find it odd that anyone would feel the need to chime in on what is an intensely personal decision.  You have to do what's best for your family.  Good luck!

sosweet487

I definitely plan on working after my maternity leave is up. Although I would love to be a SAHM, we just cannot afford to have only one income. Not only that... but I think that it's healthy to have some type of adult interaction. We are, however, going to try to have me go back to work part time at first and/or do some work from home.

LemmyRN

@khochanadel I agree that you can definitely go back to work. I do think your mother's reaction may have been more about voicing concern instead of trying to tell you how to live your life. Having newborn twins is a big adjustment. Especially since these are your firsts, there is a ton of infant care skills you'll have to fast track. Also, as PP mentioned, twins are usually born earlier and sometimes because of this they they can have feeding difficulties. If you do decide to breastfeed you'll be up every 2-3 hours to feed the babies.
I'm not trying to discourage you, by the time you leave the hospital you'll have all this down. Transitioning from a family of 2 to 4 is exciting. When the time comes having people bring you casseroles or helping with house chores are thoughtful ways to make you life easier. Maybe if she mentions the "inheritance" thing again you can tell her if she wants to help she can bring your family dinner... Or mop.

That1didntcount

I am a full time working mom. The working mom v. SAHM debate is one I don't touch with a ten foot pole. I just know at the end of the day, it comes down to your own life, your own situation. I have a stressful, amazingly interesting, and satisfying job and I am just as proud to tell a stranger that I am a mother as I am to tell them what I do for a living. My fun fact is I didn't start my current job until my daughter was a year old. I never had the confidence to believe in myself that I could actually do it until I had her. Then I realized that it was my job to show her that I could. There are days that are hard, but I have never had one person make me feel like I should be doing it any differently. Like Eleanor Roosevelt says, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. If you know you're doing what is best for you and your family, it is only people insecure about their own situation who will try to stop you.

Drops mic.

Too preachy? Maybe I feel strongly about this. . .

mlangblom

I am a working mom, but I am lucky enough to have the perspective of staying home with my first. I agree with all of the other ladies that there is a part of me that really needs to work. And ultimately I am a way better Mom because I have the work part of my life too. When I was at home I loved it, but I wasn't the best I could be. For my family and for myself I deserve to be the best me I can be.

Now my husband is at home part-time due to his schedule and I am working toward a career that will eventually completely support my family.

All of that said, leaving my kids at first was heartbreaking. It will hurt and you will question your choice, no matter what it is. But then you see them thriving in their own way too, and it is completely worth it.

laurenmdrn16

I am in a similar boat as @mlangblom where I technically got to be home with my son (I worked as a nanny for another infant so I was with my son all day). I do feel guilty that, if I choose to go back to work FT, I am not giving my second child the same attention I gave my son. I know it seems silly, but I feel like it just wouldn't be fair that I was there for all my son's naps and feedings and milestones and this one could potentially grow up being cared for by someone else during the day. However, I find fulfillment in (parts of) my work and love the moments when my son and I reunite after a day at work and daycare. He has so much to tell me about his day and it helps me unwind and get into Mommy-mode. I am anticipating a lot of changes adding another into the mix and some of those changes might lead me to a different employment set up (MH is actively interviewing for a much higher-paying job with excellent benefits so we may not need to rely on mine and I could switch to part-time or work purely as a consultant and do singing gigs to make up some extra money). But I don't think I could ever NOT work at all. I worked hard for my degree and license and love being a nurse. it really is a balancing act and the only "right" answer is the answer that is right for you and your family. No one should try to convince you otherwise.

amscape

My mom was pretty mournful about the fact that my baby will go to daycare after the summer ends (I'm a teacher). Financially we don't have an option, although I'm not sure what I really would choose even with an option, as I bring in almost half the income & our area is expensive. I was definitely irritated by her response. She and my sister were/are SAHMs so I'll be the first to put a baby in daycare. In know it's completely fine, of course, but the feeling that goes with being less financially well off than they were/are & just not having a choice just doesn't sit well. On the bright side, I'm lucky to earn enough that my salary will cover daycare & far more each month so I'm trying to focus on that!

sosweet487

I read an article about a woman who chose to be a SAHM and it saved her money. It is good to note though that she was making minimum wage so childcare would have cost the same (if not a little more) than what she would have been bringing in . So she chose to be a SAHM for that reason.

Merciel

I plan to go straight back to work after my maternity leave is up. I didn't bust my butt to get through college/law school/the bar to give it up! Besides, I have enough aggro tendencies that it is best for everyone if I get my yelling done at work and can be all serene and patient at home.

Also, I'm the primary earner for our household and my job has an excellent benefits package, so financially it wouldn't make any sense for me to quit. My husband works from home and will be a stay-at-home dad. We'll be the first ones in our immediate family to have that particular arrangement (actually both my mom and his mom were SAHMs), but everyone has been completely supportive about our choices and it's what makes sense for us, and I'm pretty confident it'll work out fine.

There's no universal right answer for everyone. You just have to figure out what's the right answer for YOU. For anybody who doesn't like it, my reaction is just "hey, make different choices in your life then. This one's mine."

khochanadel

Thanks, everyone! I appreciate all the input, and so does the Timelord (we don't have a better code name for the twins yet). I've definitely thought about going back just part time and have started looking into childcare options - so intimidating and all the websites SUCK! As a woman in tech who has had to break my share of barriers, I hate comic sans barriers to information

And @dshannah, your mom could totally beat up my mom.

doozer1345

If I had the choice I would do something like work from home or have a job where my kids were able to be with me. We can't afford for me to quit. I bring in half of the income and it sucks. I hate not being able to be with DD all the time. However, if I was able to take over our family's restaurant and bake all day there yeah I would absolutely do it no questions. But my kids would be allowed to be there with me. I understand the need to still have yourself as you aside from being a wife and mother. It is very important not to forget about who you are (your wants and needs) and its so easy to lose sight of yourself. I agree with PP who said that what you're doing will teach your children you can have it all.

saraleigh2

You have to be true to yourself if you aren't, you aren't going to be a good mom either!

twinmom3221

I would wait until the baby is born before you decide anything. For us, also parents of twins, after looking at day cares in our area and only being happy with one that made sense financially, I decided to stay home.
I worked in the same field for 15 years. I put so much time and energy into cultivating a career, I feel my family deserves more time and energy than I could give if I was working.
I always thought I would continue working but I feel fortunate that I do not have to work.
As long as you are happy with your decision it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says.
It's a tough decision, good luck!

saladflambe

I tell them that our situation is different than most: I am career-driven while my husband is not. His job is just a job to him. It's reliable, close to home, and requires no travel. Mine requires a LOT of travel, is high-stress, and I'm working to build a reputation and a career. People tend to understand why I am not giving up my career. As if it's their business...they don't get to have opinions!

atlvahi

I stay home with my kids and work from home. I know women who said this would be their worst nightmare - but for me it works. I want that outlet, income and the career. Sure, I'm not where I would be if I worked in an office at a company instead of freelancing, but I also don't want to miss out on my kids' milestones. It's hard, but it works well for me and drives me to never take the time working for granted.