Speaking of the Holidays (might get long, sorry!)

MouseMama817

So my BIL is going to be hosting Thanksgiving for my DH's side of the family this year. He lives 2 hours away, which is an easy drive to make if we wanted to go there and come home in the same day. Hint hint see where I'm going with this? 

I overheard my hubby telling his brother that we would stay the weekend. I like my BIL and his fiance very much but there are a few things I take issue with:

A) I'm chained to my pump right now and can't imagine sneaking off in someone else's house every couple of hours to get undressed, pump, and then wash my pump parts and store my breastmilk in someone else's kitchen while the rest of the family looks on. 

I can only take my MIL in small doses. She's a total baby hog and gives non stop unsolicited advice in between poking and prodding my baby ("What's this on her cheek?" "Her tongue is white, why aren't you cleaning it?" Et-f*cking-cetera.). I'm this close to flat out disliking her because my DH wont really say anything so I have to sit quietly and take it. Which isn't my nature. Spending the weekend with her stealing my daughter from me and criticizing my parenting is going to push me over the edge. I can feel it, guys.

C) Our LO doesn't sleep well away from home. Period. She fights her naps as it is but if she's in an unfamiliar place, forget it. Since we'll be away from all of her amenities (for serious lack of a better word), we wont be able to properly replicate her bedtime routine either. So fussy tired baby.

D) Lastly, the last time we stayed with my BIL it was one of the worst night's sleep we've ever had. Their guest room is a really a garage they converted over but without the proper insulation. It was unbelievably hot all night. It also is right off the kitchen and has one of those flimsy pantry doors with slats instead of a real bedroom door so you hear everything and can freaking see through it. So no privacy while I'm all naked and pumping 

X_X

I'm hoping you ladies can help me craft my rambling argument into a more elegant presentation lol. Lately anytime I try to reason with DH I sound like a sleep-deprived idiot. What's the best way to (hopefully) get him to change his mind about staying all weekend? TIA

ChardeeMacDennis

I would leave out everything about how annoying his family is, and focus on how insane it is to dramatically change up a new baby's routine for no good reason. You might counter with staying just one night so you don't have to rush right out after Thanksgiving dinner.

mishmardhiono

messymolly08 said:

So my BIL is going to be hosting Thanksgiving for my DH's side of the family this year. He lives 2 hours away, which is an easy drive to make if we wanted to go there and come home in the same day. Hint hint see where I'm going with this? 

I overheard my hubby telling his brother that we would stay the weekend. I like my BIL and his fiance very much but there are a few things I take issue with:

A) I'm chained to my pump right now and can't imagine sneaking off in someone else's house every couple of hours to get undressed, pump, and then wash my pump parts and store my breastmilk in someone else's kitchen while the rest of the family looks on. 

I can only take my MIL in small doses. She's a total baby hog and gives non stop unsolicited advice in between poking and prodding my baby ("What's this on her cheek?" "Her tongue is white, why aren't you cleaning it?" Et-f*cking-cetera.). I'm this close to flat out disliking her because my DH wont really say anything so I have to sit quietly and take it. Which isn't my nature. Spending the weekend with her stealing my daughter from me and criticizing my parenting is going to push me over the edge. I can feel it, guys.

C) Our LO doesn't sleep well away from home. Period. She fights her naps as it is but if she's in an unfamiliar place, forget it. Since we'll be away from all of her amenities (for serious lack of a better word), we wont be able to properly replicate her bedtime routine either. So fussy tired baby.

D) Lastly, the last time we stayed with my BIL it was one of the worst night's sleep we've ever had. Their guest room is a really a garage they converted over but without the proper insulation. It was unbelievably hot all night. It also is right off the kitchen and has one of those flimsy pantry doors with slats instead of a real bedroom door so you hear everything and can freaking see through it. So no privacy while I'm all naked and pumping 

X_X

I'm hoping you ladies can help me craft my rambling argument into a more elegant presentation lol. Lately anytime I try to reason with DH I sound like a sleep-deprived idiot. What's the best way to (hopefully) get him to change his mind about staying all weekend? TIA

Sorry I don't mean to be playing devils advocate but:
A. Your MIL has probably breastfed so the whole amazement of it is probably out the window. You can keep your pump in the fridge to reduce the amount of washing needed (my nurse said once a day is enough)
B. You can look at it as if she's stealing
Your baby or see it as you and your husband get a mini break from LO and can really enjoy the Holidays with LO without having to fuss over her the whole time. You can eat hot turkey whilst MILS goes cold.
C. Could be a good time to try and change up her sleeping habits, you won't always be at home for her naps and bed Te routine. It's fine and cute now because she's still new but my friends 6 year old can kick into 5am because she's not in her bed. It's a nightmare.
Worst case stay a night, go home the next day. If you have to blame it on something do that.

I get that MIL can be a PITA but it's an important relationship our kids have to have. Build that relationship with LO and her because no matter how annoying she is one day you'll be great ful that LO loves her grannie and you can go out and have fun.

janat1717

Bring a good book for while pumping. I wear a tank top around my belly without using the straps and then just lift my shirt to change bras if you don't want to change. I've also pumped in front of family (and someone's high school boyfriend) this way using a nursing cover if I don't want to miss out. They'll get over it. I make milk cow jokes which are elderly farmer neighbor loved

KaLikeAWind

Seems abrupt and blunt, but just say no. "No, I don't want to stay the weekend there, I don't want to try to deal with her bed and nap times all messed up, I don't want to sleep in that shitty ass garage, I don't want our daughter to sleep in that shitty ass garage, I don't want to pump in that shitty ass garage. I don't want to stay the weekend there. No."

I have no problems telling my husband no about going places or being with people I don't want to be with. I compromise by setting a limit "OK, but we're leaving after xxx" if its really important to him. PP suggestion of staying one night is a good one. Its a nice compromise. You're giving a little, he's giving a little.

And he now owes you one night at your parents house for Xmas (or whatever)

lovethatcolosun

I'm with @mishmardhiono. I think you should give it a shot. At least one night. I went camping with my LO when she was two months old, so I think just a night with family wouldn't be too out of line. Babies are adaptable and while this might not be your ideal scenario, it may be good for you to stretch your comfort zone.

Some suggestions: Bring an extra blanket to hang over the door to give you extra privacy and sound dampening. Throw in a white noise machine or fan to cut the distractions even further. Bring a small soft sided cooler to store your BM in inside the frig if you don't want people looking at it. Bring a bottle brush for convenience and a few big zip locks to store your pumping parts in the frig so you don't wash as often. Pack LO's favorite bouncy chair and activity mat as well as you pack n play if you have one. Yeah it seems like a lot of stuff, but do what you need to feel the most comfort away from home.

Also on the annoying MIL front...we all typically have one (or FIL) that gets on our nerves. It doesn't sound like yours is that bad if you can just take a step back and look at it from a different perspective. Use this time to take a break. Go see a movie or go on a date with DH. If she offers advice just nod and smile. Who knows, she may have a gem or two to offer.

Overall I say compromise with DH. Take it on a day by day basis. If it really sucks as bad as you think it's going to then come up with a plan with DH to scoot out early. Come up with a code word if necessary. Enjoy your holiday.

HoosOnFirst

I'm with @mellymar on this one. Once we have kids, we don't need to sugar coat this stuff any more. Just tell DH you aren't comfortable being outside your routine yet and leave it at that. People will understand, mostly because they have to. I think we all get a pass on holidays for at least the first year!

I have no idea what we are going to do yet, we also have a 2.5 hour drive. I'm thinking we'll stay at a hotel, honestly, to avoid all the drama about whose house we'll even stay at.

If you want to be accomodating, then maybe you agree to take a night trip to the relatives' house on another NON-HOLIDAY weekend, so it's less stress, and say that will be practice for the future?

Sammy K

I agree with compromising on 1 night. And like @lovethatcolosun said, take as much stuff as you need to be comfortable. If DH sees how much stuff he will be schlepping back and forth, he might be more understanding of not wanting an extended stay. Make a list of everything you will need and make sure DH knows he needs to help with everything for the baby, including pumping requirements since those bottles don't just magically appear. Honestly, I don't mind pumping or nursing at family events because it gives me an excuse to retreat to a quiet room, with or without LO. But I'm an introvert and our families both drive me crazy.

Like pp said, don't blame it on the family, just chalk it up to routine & baby accommodations.

MouseMama817

All great advice, thank you all so much! @mishmardhiono I think your "devil's advocate" is actually wonderful advice. Sometimes I need to take a step back and take things a little easier. This is exactly why I came here! My response would normally be exactly like @mellymar's! DH thinks I have all these rules that I only impose on his family (not true). I guess that's made me reevaluate the way I approach these conversations but if I get frustrated enough, the bluntness is what prevails. And what gets me in trouble lol.

And I definitely agree about the importance grandparents play in a child's life. All happy memories I have of my childhood involve my grandparents. Honestly, if my MIL would just learn to enjoy her granddaughter instead of trying to be a third parent, we wouldn't have any issues. But it gets old VERY fast to listen to her say things that feel like she thinks I don't know what I'm doing. Especially when I feel like I can't say anything back. I need to build an arsenal of one-liners so I don't feel like such a sitting duck lol

47923ang

Re: pain in the ass grandparents/people in general.

I try to reframe my perspective, and try to see that they are coming from a caring place with their "suggestions." Pick your battles. Decide which "suggestions" are actually helpful, ignore the rest.

People don't do things the same way I do, but ultimately, if they have my babies' best interest in mind, I'm ok letting them do some things their way. I don't need to micromanage them.


Re: travel at the holidays

I'd probably try for a compromise. 1 night instead of 2. And as PP said, make DH help you pack everything so he can see why it might be easier to make it a day trip sometimes. But, for the holidays I'd probably suck it up and stay over.

MouseMama817

423ang said:

Re: pain in the ass grandparents/people in general. I try to reframe my perspective, and try to see that they are coming from a caring place with their "suggestions." Pick your battles. Decide which "suggestions" are actually helpful, ignore the rest. People don't do things the same way I do, but ultimately, if they have my babies' best interest in mind, I'm ok letting them do some things their way. I don't need to micromanage them. Re: travel at the holidays I'd probably try for a compromise. 1 night instead of 2. And as PP said, make DH help you pack everything so he can see why it might be easier to make it a day trip sometimes. But, for the holidays I'd probably suck it up and stay over.

Good points. I'd like to think I'm getting better at compromising my ideals with the realities of being a part of his family. For instance, I always pictured our Christmas Eve with our LO being similar to how a PP in the Holiday Plans thread described. Just the 3 of us snuggled at home with the Christmas tree lit, drinking hot cocoa and reading The Night Before Christmas or watching the old school Grinch/Charlie Brown Christmas specials. Maybe opening stockings with cute Xmas pj's inside for LO to wear for Santa. But my in-laws celebrate Christmas the way others celebrate NYE. They have dinner around 11pm on Christmas Eve to "ring in" the Christmas holiday. I don't see a way to opt out without seriously rocking the boat so I'm planning on just drinking coffee to stay awake, putting LO down in a bedroom somewhere and guarding the door so they don't keep her up lol It makes me sad that I wont get to have the Christmas Eve I pictured with my little girl, but I'm telling myself it's worth it not to hurt feelings or upset previous traditions.

cbrtncanadian

I've got a one liner that I think is perfectly reasons able and blunt enough that it usually works.

Thanks for the advice/oh really? Well that's great for some people I'm sure but we are not them and we need to figure out what's right for us so that's what we are going to do. End of story.

MouseMama817

^^ I will definitely be using this!