New Joiner... My story...

iloverocksalot

Hi ladies, I've been stalking boards like these since my hubby and I started TTC 16 months ago. It's helped so much to read your stories and know that I'm not alone.

I'm 31, DH is 33 and we've been married for almost 3 years. Last summer we finally decided that we were in a great place financially, etc. to start a family. I had my annual gyn exam after 5 months ttc and had a great doctor who agreed to do some baseline testing since we were planning a move overseas and wanted to do some of this stuff in the US before we left. Turns out my FSH is high, like crazy high. 16!! We've tested it several times now and the lowest it's been is 12. I had an HSG and MRI, and nothing is structurally wrong- normal tubes, normal uterus. I am a healthy weight, don't smoke, and have only a few drinks per week. I did bbt charting for several years and know that I ovulate every month with a 25-28 day cycle and a 15 day LP. Hubs has low morphology (5% normal) but excellent count and motility so we were told it should only lower our chances a little. We were suggested to do ICSI if it came down to it.

In April we had a failed IUI with 4 follicles on 100mg clomid. We were then really impatient and dove right into our first IVF. We now live in a country where health care is significantly subsidized so an IVF round is only a couple $k not $20k.

It failed. Epically. I only made 4 eggs: 1 under mature, 2 over mature and one that fertilized but only lasted a day before it fizzled. We implanted nothing, and I finished that month so 'over it' that I gave up for the last several months. I hated everything about IVF. I hated the shots and I hated the emotional roller coaster. I hated that I didn't make enough eggs. I hated the weight gain and the acne. Mostly I hated that I didn't get pregnant. I was so hoping (like a lot of women) that IVf would be my miracle and it wasn't. I'd never felt so let down and wounded, So bruised both physically and emotionally.

We took a couple months off and travelled a bit to get my mind off it. For a couple months we felt normal again and I was ready to abandon all ttc and just live life. Just when we were going in to break off our relationship with our RE, she gave us a pretty serious talk and said with my high FSH, we really don't have the luxury of time. (She wasn't pushy at all and we reeeeaaally like her, so it wasn't bad in any way). So we decided to do a few IUIs to 'take it easy' and this past month everything was perfect. I actually had hope for the first time in a while. We lowered the dose of clomid to 50 mg on days 2-7, I took 6mg of estrogen days 7-11 and by day 11 for the trigger I had two perfect plump follicles, each at 21mm. I was so happy and so relaxed and optimistic.

On IUI day I felt one ovulation 45 mins before the IUI and one 4 hours later. Since the IVF I'm able to feel ovulation pain, which is weird and convenient. It was so perfectly timed! Two torturous weeks later, And of course with a mountain of symptoms, my beta was <0.1. Definitively not pregnant.

That was 4 days ago and I've been crying or on the verge of crying ever since. Even at my office! Considering my annual crying averages about 1-2/year, this is like a monsoon and so much out of character. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore.

I think the worst part is not knowing why I'm not conceiving. My husband is so wonderfully supportive but he admits that he doesn't really know what I'm feeling. He wants a family but he's also happy to wait a while too. But I don't have time. And I don't know why it isn't happening.

I know some of you are struggling for known reasons- PCOS, anovulation, endo, and others. The last thing we're considering is being tested for immune system problems or infections. I feel like I at least need to know why I'm not getting pregnant to feel like there's still hope.

Thanks for reading. I hope to join you all for the next few months of this journey and maybe by sharing the frustrations we can help ease the burden for each other, cry together, and laugh together. Hopefully we can also celebrate together someday.

We just started the next cycle, and I'm planning another low dose clomid + IUI#3. Then we'll take two months off over the holidays and start up again in January. Good luck to you all this month, I'll be seeing you around!

vssbrm

I am so sorry you have to be dealing with this. It is not fun. We are in a similar boat to you, mow morphology for him, I had a high prolactin level, which is in check now, but negatives across 3 years of trying. We have only done IUI, no IVF yet...

I hope you get you BFP soon. In the mean yime, this has been a great support group.

lablover78

It's extremely frustrating when everything looks good but nothing is working. I hate not knowing when...if...etc. I'm glad you reached out and hope you do get some support here. While hearing you are running out of time can feel devastating I would take that with a grain of salt. Hang in there!!

wifeinraleigh28

Thank you for sharing your story.  I have to say I admire your strength and ability to bounce back and be positive.  I hope I can be more like that as we are just getting started and only have our first IUI scheduled next month.  I've already been a train wreck!  Best of luck to you and here's hoping that you will get that BFP in the near future!!

iloverocksalot

Thank you ladies for your support!! It really means a lot to know I can share all the gritty details with you- I think my husband now knows more about hormone levels, dosages, and cycle days than most, but he doesn't obsess over it like I do. On month 17 of this, it is actually really hard to not feel bitter and frustrated! But each month we get another chance, and we just got the all clear to start IUI#3, so I start my 50mg clomid tonight. Fingers crossed, but with guarded optimism as always.