Intro...Stillborn at 32 weeks

uncblu

My world changed 2 weeks ago. I was pregnant with my first child Katie. Everything was going well. No major problems. I even commented that there were days I didn't even feel pregnant. I went for a normal checkup and my BP was a little elevated so they wanted me to see the MFM specialists to be sure. After a BPP scan they told me Katie was measuring small but she was an 8 out of 8 and was looking good. They wanted me to have the steroid injections to mature her lungs which I did. I called them on Wednesday and said she seemed to not be moving as much so I went back for another BPP. Again she looked great at an 8 out of 8. They said the steroids could make her sluggish and we had nothing to worry about. They wanted me to come back on Friday just in case. When we did she was just gone. The doctors were shocked and kept telling us they had never seen an 8 out of 8 baby die within 2 days. To say we were shattered would be an understatement. After 2.5 days of induction I gave birth to my beautiful perfect baby girl. She was 2lbs, 12oz. I am having a really hard time with what to do now. We had spent 8 months planning on being parents. Now, we are parents, but our child is not with us. We can't move forward and we can't go back to where we were. So here we sit. With our grief. I miss her so much. I don't want to leave the house. We go back next week for our follow up to discuss what they think happened. I'm terrified that they won't know, then again I'm terrified they will. I worry that whatever happened could happen again. We are lucky to have supportive family and friends, but they can't understand this pain. I've suffered loss before but nothing like this. I know we are all here for the same reason. Losing a child is the worst kind of grief.

indy_chic

I am sorry we are here for the same reason, different circumstances. We lost our 40 week old daughter, 3 weeks ago, as I began labour (she was tangled in the cord). It hurts like nothing else! I have been out of the house 3 times (not including cemetery visits). So many emotions and feelings but yet it is hard to put them all into words. We are still very sad but still very much in shock and still cannot believe this is/has happened! I have found great comfort in support offered by others in addition to the love and support my husband and I provide to each other. I have also found talking about it, although difficult, helps me too.
*hugs*

msunshine123

***rainbow mentioned

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter Katie. I lost my son our 1st over a year ago at 39 weeks day of delivery due to a cord accident. It's so very hard in the beginning. Know that you would have done everything and anything you could have if given the chance to save your daughter, but it was out of your hands. So be patient and kind to yourself.
We were very lucky and welcomed my son's little sister 11 months later.
Thinking of you and your family and sending hugs your way.

aang0250

I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter, Katie.  I too was a first time mom, and delivered our Olivia stillborn at 35 weeks.  The doctors can only determine a possible cord accident as a cause of death for our baby girl.  The grief is intense and almost 9 months out still have rough days.  The best advice that was given to me, and that I can pass on to you, is to let yourself grieve as you want.  Do what you feel is best for you.  This was a tough process for me, since I am always wanting to please others.  But I listened to the counselors and fought through some of the times when what I wanted for myself at the time, may not have been the popular decision with my family/friends, but I believe that it helped me to move forward in the process a whole lot faster.  I can also tell you that talking about Olivia, and making her a constant in our lives helps too.  She is still the first person I say good morning to and the last goodnight.  Katie is who made you a mommy, and you will ALWAYS remember her.  You will come to find that others cannot openly talk about her as you may be able to, however, I have always felt that is something they must deal with, because I will always choose to talk about Olivia no matter how uncomfortable it may make someone.  She is my daughter and that will never change.  Take the time you need to heal, and lean on the people who are there for support!  Loving thoughts of healing and support to you and your family.

MamaBish

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's absolutely devastating. I know this awful feeling and I wish no one ever had to feel it. Be gentle with yourself and your dh. Feel however you need to feel. We are here, we get it. Hugs to you

uncblu

Thanks for your sweet messages. Aang, I'm so sorry for your loss of your sweet Olivia. I've been feeling the pressure to do things I don't feel ready to do and am trying to resist it. I'm a pleaser too and it's hard. We contacted a grief counselor and are going to try out a support group next week. Katie will always be my first child and I miss her so much. I keep talking about her even though most days it brings tears with it. Hopefully time will make talking about her and honoring her a little easier.

fiorip

I've been where you are and I know no words can explain the pain you feel. I had my first miscarriage at 4.2 weeks, it was painful but not nearly as hard as what happened to my second pregnancy. On August 4th I went into premature labor at 21.6 weeks and delivered my perfect little boy, he was too weak to survive and died within minutes.

Know you are not alone, I know that's not comforting but it helps to see other people made it through and so will you. It never stops hurting, you never forget it, I think about him every single day; first month I cried myself to sleep every day, I woke up crying everyday, I didn't leave the house except for medical appointments, I didn't understand why this had happened to me, he was a healthy boy, developing just as he should have, every single ultrasound was perfect, his measurements, weight, anatomy scan, panorama screening.

It took therapy for me to start healing, I felt I needed help and got it. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. I will tell you it does get easier, you learn to live through the pain because you have no choice, you keep on living.

Something that really brought comfort to my soul was that a group of the women from my Birth month club lit a candle and prayed in honor of my little angel. I will do the same for your Katie and will light a candle in her honor, she will live forever in your heart.

lapistos

Sorry to hear your loss, my heart goes to you and your husband. We had similar circumstance, we had 5 mos, and our first child, he was a baby boy and we named him Justin. I had a hard time coping, but with great support of family and friends makes a lot difference and ease a little bit. We were trying for almost 9 years, and he was a heaven sent, we conceive naturally which we were scheduled a week before IVF, and special day we found out is on our 8 years on the day of our wedding anniversary. Loss of a child will give you different perspective but also leave a painful memory with so much to cherish. Scans, day to day activity with your unborn child, moment you eat, shower or even sleeping.. It's just amazing how a beautiful life can create so much impact in such a short time, but etch a big hole when it leaves you. Your daughter Katie will be always remembered and she is your guiding angel. We loss our son last October 16, 2015, we cremated him and gave him a beautiful memorial service, we send our gifts to him by having release a white and blue balloons and 16 butterflies.. In his memory and sending our love.
You and your husband are beautiful parents and Katie is so proud to have you, but like mine and others who are here, they are too beautiful for this earth, and heavens love them there.
May peace and healing be with you and your husband.
Take care.
Rachel

kwrightnb

I'm so sorry the pain is unbelievable . I lost my first daughter this past May at 7 and a half months pregnant. My entire pregnancy I felt no movement but never had one set Doctor, and each time I spoke up they said it was normal but I knew it wasn't. Finally one day my fiancé took me to the hopsital demanding and ultrasound, come to find out she had passed one month before.. There's no words to explain how that feels. One month later Gary proposed and we are getting married and pregnant with our second. I thought i would be okay this pregnancy but the stress is unbelievable.. And my due date is the day Lillian was born . So stressful. Trying to do everything I can to stay positive but sometimes is so hard! Stay strong girl

uncblu

I know it must be so stressful to be expecting again and especially on Lillian's birthday. I imagine they will deliver you early since you've lost but it depends on the doctor. Good luck on your wedding and your rainbow baby!