Am I being sensitive/hormonal, or are my feelings justified?

fourtsixand2

One thing I've noticed about pregnancy is that I feel like often times my feelings are dismissed as just 'hormones', so before I get upset about something I try to calm down and ask myself "should you really be upset"?  Last night was one of those "yes, I think I should be upset" moments.  Would like to know how you ladies would feel in this situation.

My husband has a sister who has 2 boys from a previous relationship.  She has been dating a different guy for a while, but is not engaged, married, or expecting.  

A few weeks ago we were chatting online about baby stuff and, although I never told her the names I'd use for boy/girl, she said "if I have another boy his name will be Jackson".  Cool, fine, whatever.  

I've loved the name Jack for as long as I can remember, and a couple of days ago I posted on my Facebook a question for my friends about the name Jack (insert middle name here), asking their thoughts on the name.  I didn't hear from the sister until last night, to which she out-of-the-blue messaged me and said "Don't forget Jackson is gonna be my boy's name if I have another boy.  Jack and Jackson might be a little close.  :-/ "  I replied "We wouldn't be using Jackson".  She then said "Not trying to be rude. :-)"

For some reason, that hit a major nerve, and I'm not sure if I'm justified.  My husband doesn't care and thinks it's no big deal, but I find it crass that she'd even say that.  Now, I'm sitting here thinking I'm going to be stepping on toes if I use anything somewhat similar to the name she's "claimed" for the potential future, and on the other hand I'm thinking screw that - I'm pregnant and she's not, and she's already had 2 boys.

I hate drama, and I don't ever want to upset anyone, but would you feel annoyed?  

yodiggity

No one owns the rights a specific name. Unless she was currently pg and had plans to name her baby that, I think you should name  your baby whatever you want. And really, even if she were pg, who cares? 

On another note, I do think that Jack, Jackson, Jax, Jaxon or any other form of the name "Jack" is so OVERLY popular I can't even take it. I would love to name my boy (sex still tbd) after my wonderful step-father, who's name is Jack, but I don't want my kid to be 1 of the 10 "Jacks" in his class at school. That's just me though.

elasticheart13

I would definitely feel annoyed. You can't call dips on a name in advance. How does she even know she would be pregnant with a boy the next time? Just because she expressed her love for the name and you didn't does not mean you should let her have her way. Jackson and Jack are different names and I would honestly ignore her.

sarahufl

It sounds like she is being ridiculous. FWIW, my brother has a daughter named Cora and told my sister a few years ago that she wasn't allowed to use the name Norah. Norah (and Jack!) are actually on our short list. We aren't finding out what we are having, but I won't let my brother's "rules" bother me. If we pick Norah, he won't be told until after it is official.

This happened before I met my husband, but apparently his sisters got in a huge fight and didn't talk for months because one of them "stole" the other one's boy name. Turns out the other one never had a boy anyway so it was a totally moot point.

TKaiser91

She is being ridiculous. You are pregnant now and can pick whatever name you like. If she has another boy later on she can still name him Jackson, but to be honest she probably won't. I had baby names picked out in high school that I loved for years and when I got pregnant with dd I didn't even use it. My mind changed all the time and same thing is happening now. I change my mind once a week or so and have no idea what I'll end up picking but it probably won't be the name I liked for all those years. I wouldn't worry about what she says,a and if she gets upset with you that's her choice and she will have to get over it at some point.

Sarcasm101

I would let it go and name you kid whatever you want. But if you are posting name ideas on facebook, you are opening yourself up to a bunch of opinions.

sarahufl

Sarcasm101 said:

I would let it go and name you kid whatever you want. But if you are posting name ideas on facebook, you are opening yourself up to a bunch of opinions.

QFT. While I do think she is being absurd- you really shouldn't open yourself up like that.

cmjenkies

TBH, if I was her I would have similar feelings (privately), but I think that's totally normal. I was pretty heartbroken when DHs cousin named her daughter my all time favorite girls name last year.. and I got over it, lol. I sure as hell never thought to tell her not to! At the end of the day, you're pregnant and she's not - so tough cookies for her. Don't let anybody else dictate your choices.

AmadorRose

I think it's convenient that you're pg and she's not. If she thinks Jackson is too close to jack, I guess she'll have to find another name. She may never have another child, she may only have girls, or she may have a child with someone who despises the name Jackson. Name your baby what you want, and if she has a problem with it remind her that it's not the same name

momofmanyinthemitten

I had 3 aunts expecting within a couple weeks of each other. None shared names. It ended up being one boy and two girls. The girls' moms both had independently chosen the same first and second choice names. They both gave their girls the same name. My two cousins named Heather are a couple weeks apart and it has never been an issue. I think they actually like it.

Sarcasm101

kielpinskim said:

I had 3 aunts expecting within a couple weeks of each other. None shared names. It ended up being one boy and two girls. The girls' moms both had independently chosen the same first and second choice names. They both gave their girls the same name. My two cousins named Heather are a couple weeks apart and it has never been an issue. I think they actually like it.

Myself and 2 cousins are names Kathryn/ Katherine. On that same side of the family we have two Emma's. I find it annoying but nothing I can do about it.

AGK2015

Honestly, I'd feel more annoyed if I were her, and I'd probably consider that more justified.  You didn't share you thoughts on potential names, but she did, and if I were her I'd certainly be questioning why such a similar name (really, a shortened form of the name she confessed she loves) has apparently rocketed to the top of the list just a few weeks later.  Some people do feel pretty strongly about naming their children the same thing as other kids in their immediate social or familial circle, and Jackson/Jack are two forms of the same name, and unless I'm misreading your post, until your Facebook post she had no idea that you were considering it.  And since naming can be a real struggle, it's something that's bound to engender strong feelings.

It would be one thing if she had told you her preference and you had immediately chimed in with "Actually, Jack is one of the names we're considering, too," or "What a coincidence! I've always loved the name Jack!"  You'd have come across as straightforward, and she would have known that she wasn't the only one with designs on the name. The fact that you waited a few weeks and posted it on Facebook instead could definitely come across as a little--not totally shady, necessarily, but kind of underhanded, and it certainly gives the impression that you are considering the name only after hearing that she liked it. I don't think her message to you was inappropriate under the circumstances at all.  

I don't think her pregnancy status matters, either.  If you were to tell your friends that you are planning to use X name for a girl, and Y name for a boy, and one of those friends gives birth and names her baby Y, I'm guessing you wouldn't be pleased with the explanation "Nyah, nyah! I gave birth first, so suck it up! You don't even know the gender yet!"

I don't know what I'd do about the whole name situation (depends largely on your relationship with your SIL, whether you're one of those only-one-Jack-per-family types, and on how strong your preference for the name Jack is).  I do think you'd be well-served by reaching out and at least acknowledging to her that you could have handled it in a more straightforward way, even if your conclusion is still ultimately "This is a name we love and have loved, and it's what we're naming our child."

AGK2015

(That said, I'm a strong believer that you feel how you feel, and you don't have to justify how you feel or try to conform your feelings to a "reasonable" standard. If you're annoyed you're annoyed, and you don't have to justify that to anyone.  Only things that you should ever be required to justify to anybody are your actions. Here, I'd suggest acting with compassion, even if you're feeling primarily annoyance or anger).

NachosAndPeaches

If you go with Jack, I would send her a nice and assertive message. "Hi SIL, just wanted to let you know before we publicly announce that we settled on jack. We are super excited and love the name, and when you have your Jackson they'll be excited to have similar names, maybe they can have a J club. Thanks for understanding! We're so excited".

eastdurian

Well, it's too late to do it differently but if anyone else ends up in a similar situation I would mention it immediately, if SIL says "I love Jackson" immediately say something like "that's so funny, Jack has been my favorite name for X number of years." I feel like saying it from the beginning makes it harder for SIL to get mad, especially if you get pregnant first.

You SIL is being a little ridiculous, I think @NachosAndPeaches "note" to send her is a good idea. I would certainly send her a message as soon as you decide for sure what the name will be.

brie_and_almonds

No such thing as name dibs. My BIL and SIL told us a few years ago that they liked X family name for a boy, but distant half-sister had "claimed" it. Mind you at this point none of us were pregnant.

Now both of those families have had boys (one twice) and neither of them used the supppsedly claimed name.

If I had had a boy I would not have thought twice about using that name if I had liked it, the idea that someone can claim a name years in advance for a maybe baby is BS.

kcbarbo78

Sounds like she's being a bit of an idiot. I don't think you're being hypersensitive and shouldn't worry about stepping on any toes. Since you're the one who's pregnant first, it would be more appropriate to say that she would be stepping on yours if she were to name a future child a name so close to the one you've already given your son. But then again, I come from an old school European family that has so many Marias and Manuels no one cares if cousins have the same or similar names, so maybe I don't quite "get it" when people try to call dibs on a name. By the way, I'm old-fashioned and like traditional names, so why wouldn't you name him John, for which Jack is the traditional nickname? (Full disclosure, John is the middle name we've chosen for our LO.)

kcbarbo78

"Idiot" was probably too strong a word. I should have said she's being foolish.

Mailmans Baby Momma

Aaaaand that's why we don't share names after the baby is born (although I know we're in the minority)...it's harder it have ill feelings when there's a baby in front of you. I'd let it go...you can't change SIL and how she's going to act about your name choice.

sunnygirlkc

I'd be irritated too. Just let it go for now you're the one pregnant! She may not even have anymore! Her new partner may not be able to have any.. So to put dibs on an non-existent child is ridiculous. After the baby is born and you tell her the name she'll have to get over it. Nothing else she can do.

worldsokayestmom

Yeah I'd be irritated. You can't claim names for non-existent children.

Bootsie327

This is annoying. If she were pregnant and due before you, then maayyyyybe she would have a leg to stand on. But alas, she is not either of those things. And also, you can't claim rights to a root name. Go for Jack!

cglr2012

AGK2015 said:

Honestly, I'd feel more annoyed if I were her, and I'd probably consider that more justified.  You didn't share you thoughts on potential names, but she did, and if I were her I'd certainly be questioning why such a similar name (really, a shortened form of the name she confessed she loves) has apparently rocketed to the top of the list just a few weeks later.  Some people do feel pretty strongly about naming their children the same thing as other kids in their immediate social or familial circle, and Jackson/Jack are two forms of the same name, and unless I'm misreading your post, until your Facebook post she had no idea that you were considering it.  And since naming can be a real struggle, it's something that's bound to engender strong feelings.

It would be one thing if she had told you her preference and you had immediately chimed in with "Actually, Jack is one of the names we're considering, too," or "What a coincidence! I've always loved the name Jack!"  You'd have come across as straightforward, and she would have known that she wasn't the only one with designs on the name. The fact that you waited a few weeks and posted it on Facebook instead could definitely come across as a little--not totally shady, necessarily, but kind of underhanded, and it certainly gives the impression that you are considering the name only after hearing that she liked it. I don't think her message to you was inappropriate under the circumstances at all.  

I don't think her pregnancy status matters, either.  If you were to tell your friends that you are planning to use X name for a girl, and Y name for a boy, and one of those friends gives birth and names her baby Y, I'm guessing you wouldn't be pleased with the explanation "Nyah, nyah! I gave birth first, so suck it up! You don't even know the gender yet!"

I don't know what I'd do about the whole name situation (depends largely on your relationship with your SIL, whether you're one of those only-one-Jack-per-family types, and on how strong your preference for the name Jack is).  I do think you'd be well-served by reaching out and at least acknowledging to her that you could have handled it in a more straightforward way, even if your conclusion is still ultimately "This is a name we love and have loved, and it's what we're naming our child."

I agree completely. I have a cousin that I grew up with only 6 months apart. She's always said her boy name was going to be Kason. Well when I found out I was pregnant I did a lot of looking and came across the name Kason and LOVED it and wanted to use it. After a few days of throwing it around I remembered that she wanted to use it. Well I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I gave up on it and kept looking. It doesn't matter that im the one pregnant with a baby boy and she's not. I'd be devastated if she were to get pregnant and have a girl and use the girl name I picked out. Not to be rude, but I don't see what got on your nerves so bad? If it happened to me, I would have been a lot less nice than your SIL was..

Jessimuca

Lurking from March 2016: Yeah, there's no such thing as claiming names. We had the reverse situation- the only name DH and I liked for boys was Jack and we'd always said that to our family (though we never called dibs or anything silly like that). Well lo and behold SIL was the first one to get pregnant and named her son Jackson. Were we slightly bummed? Meh maybe but that faded away exactly 30 seconds later when we saw the first photo of our nephew and fell in love (we live on opposite coasts).

We understood all along that it was nothing to truly be upset about. And now 5 years later we have our second (and last) daughter on the way. So we never actually ended up needing a boy name and if we had, the world wouldn't have ended when it came to choosing a different name (or even still going with Jack). It's just not a big deal. Bottom line- while we all know it's silly to try and call dibs on a name, is it really the hill you want to die on? Probably not. Name your kid whatever you want and if you're concerned about her being upset, just be honest with her. Good luck!