FFFC 10/23

vinerie

You know you want to share. Now's the time to get those confessions off your chest!

laurenmdrn16

Choir rehearsal was cancelled last night. I went out anyways and got ramen with my best friend and talked for HOURS. MH still thinks I had rehearsal and was more than happy to do the dishes, laundry, tubby time and bedtime with our son. I could totally tell him that I actually went out with my BFF; I'm not worried that he would get mad at me or anything (we call Thursday my "bowling night" when I go out and do something just for me). But I still feel a little guilty because he got more housework done in one night than I have done all week!

vinerie

Sometimes I come home from work early telling myself that I'm going to finish up my work at home. Instead, I lay down and binge-watch Netflix. Yesterday was one of those days. When my husband comes home, I quickly get up and act like I'm dong something productive before he walks in. 

Charla1224

I love UO Thursday's like yesterday where someone shows their true colors. It helps me know who to avoid. And honestly, I need to avoid anyone who flat out says they don't want to hear or learn from other's points of view. Ignorance is one thing. Willful, desired ignorance is another. 

yogahh

I am using this more as a place to vent, because I am not in a good way today. I need to get it out, and don't want to make a special snowflake post.

A few weeks ago I posted about the issues with my mom and DH... basically he hates her. She is not everyones cup of tea and that's fine. I honestly don't know if he has a really good reason, except she rubs him the wrong way. He tried to apologize to her before the wedding and get things back on track but she was so hostile and defensive she wouldn't accept it. Barely congratulated him after the ceremony. We don't even have a wedding picture of her with a smile on her face. Absolute sour puss.

Now she sent him a "make up" package of bib and a card that came across 50% manipulative, 50% sincere. I don't know what to make of it. He wont even read the card, and laughed that "yeah, now that there is a baby, she will do whatever she can to make good".

I just feel sick. This isn't working, and I don't know how to fix it. When we have the baby, I want her to be able to stay with us for a few days, but he has already said that he will stay with his parents in that case, he doesn't want to be around her.

So my FFFC is THIS EFFING SUCKS. I think HE is wrong. I think SHE is wrong. But the real loser here?? ME. No matter what I do I make someone mad. No matter what I do, my "loyalty" is testing. So I think everyone should put on their big kid panties and get the f*ck over it. I am miserable today and on the verge of crying all day. GRRRRRRR

kbrands7

Student presentations of projects always take too long...and honestly, I don't mind. It just means that I get two days to sit back and evaluate stuff rather than running around like crazy teaching and managing, etc. : )

gorgeousariel

I haven't done one thing around the house all week. But since H comes home tonight I have to clean the house. Ive been telling myself to unload the dishwasher since Monday. Now I have to unload and reload it with all the dirty dishes. Why do I do this to myself?

vinerie

@yogahh, I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with this. And thank you for sharing, too; I am trying to navigate an issue like this, too and can learn from your perspective. 

I dislike my FIL and I know my H wishes that his dad would act differently, but it does NO GOOD when I criticize my FIL to my H. He knows his dad acts like a tool. But it's his only dad. It's not like I'm criticizing a friend of his, where, if needed, he could find a new friend. You only get one parent. SO...I write all this to say that perhaps you should talk with your H, validate his feelings, acknowledge the things your mom does that are problematic... AND then ask that he do something for you by laying off the criticism. You KNOW what the issues are. But him criticizing her isn't constructive. There is something about family; you can criticize them all you want, but when someone else does it -- even your S/O -- it stings, hurts and just rubs the wrong way. It doesn't help anything whatsoever. It's just destructive. 

In any event, I'm really sorry that you're in such a difficult spot. I know my husband wishes that his father was warmer to me and it really stresses him out. I'm really working on trying to alleviate that stress by not criticizing his dad. But it's hard. But I do think that would help ease the situation. Perhaps your husband can work on that, too. 

sarawifenow

@yogahh That sounds like an absolutely terrible situation and I am so sorry that you are going through that. It is so unfair to you. I think that you need to sit your H down and explain to him how you are feeling. It is completely childish of him to say that he will go stay with his parents if your mom is coming to help out with the baby. He is, in essence, treating you and your unborn child as a pawn and that is just stupid. I think you should have the same conversation with your mom. They both need to realize that the only person suffering in this situation is you. Big hugs your way!

Bluejay3030

@yogahh - as someone who was in a very similar situation when my first kid was born, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I know it sucks because you have NO control over how they react, and you're right, you're the one that loses in the end. I hope they both come around for your sake.

m6agua

@yogahh sorry you are going through that. It sounds like both your husband and mother need to set the past aside and move forward for you and the baby.

Someone brought donuts to the office today and I just ate one. Thinking not so bad right? But they were huge like about 6" or 7" in diameter. I probably should have cut it in half but no, I ate the whole thing.

kbrands7

@yogahh ::hugs:: That is an unfair situation for you to be in. Perhaps if your husband realizes how much this is wearing you down he'll roll with punches more? Ultimately though, you aren't responsible for their behavior, and your husband needs to understand that having your back means sometimes taking the high road even if it stresses him out to be around your mom. 

We've had family drama too earlier on, though not so pronounced, and ultimately, what has helped is for me to call out family when they get snarky/Italian guilt-spirally (DH can get pretty sensitive sometimes) and to hear out DH's concerns. He does the same for me (though mostly he's the one bashing on his family). Blaming, name-calling, assumptions etc. of family members are not allowed in those conversations. 

schicksal

Confession #1: I had to use google to guess what the acronym meant (I thought f'ing ??? friday confession)?

Confession #2: I really hope the MIL doesn't move over here. Storytime... She's a nice person but she spreads so much crazy around. I don't think her and the FIL have gotten along with each other since I've known them anyway. They're sort of roomates more than anything with not a lot of arguing. I think they sleep in separate rooms but I'm not sure. He's a retired government worker with plenty of savings. I was told a financial planner said they are 100% just fine but he in particular is always beyond cheap. When he comes to visit it's always the cheapest flight (guess who gets to drop them off at the airport at 4:30AM?), he comments about how gas is a nickel more than they pay over there and on the price of things on the menu. Same sort of talk whenever we go over so I guess that's just what they talk about. It's non-stop and I think she might have just about had enough. It's hard to tell since she's a little odd herself - her home life growing up was not good.

While talking with my other half on the phone a few nights ago she mentioned maybe moving over here for a few months this spring. My response was basically



I think they don't exactly want to split up since that would involve burning calories and paying someone but it's hard to tell what's up. They still treat my other half like a kid so exposure should be limited to a few days at a time before she starts to get a little grumpy. I couldn't begin to imagine what an extended period would do. The MIL/FIL need to go to counseling but one of them (she?) isn't really into that sort of thing, and it would both involve paying someone ($) + driving ($) so that's strike 1 and 2 right there.

dsmith211

I'm doing nothing right now at work. Why? DH got my a breakfast sandwich this morning that sounded delicious until he sent me a text saying sorry. Sorry for what you ask? He dropped it on the dirty floor not even 2 seconds after telling me he had said sandwich. He said he'd go get me something else in a min 45 mins ago.

Basically I'm just cranky and pouting. I felt great this morning... Nausea much better than normal... And then I miss breakfast and I'm back to square one. Bleh.

I also do not want to go to dinner tonight with MIL and SIL. We're telling them tonight and to compromise DH said we could go to Carrabbas. Which was an ok compromise. Until I decided I wanted to look at the menu again and noticed it's new and of course they got rid of my favorite thing on the old menu. So now I'm just being stubborn and don't want to go.

I'm also tired of DH asking when we're telling people at work or besides family. Is it too hard to understand or too much to ask that I want a little more time to have this as our little 'secret' before the world finds out? Maybe I'm just being selfish, but honestly when I think of telling people I can't help but think I'll never have this time again where I secretly know I'm having my first baby and I kinda want it to myself a little longer.

vinerie

schicksal My MIL is cheap, too. She ALWAYS gets the early flight or red-eye. And they are totally fine financially. But she likes to brag about the low cost of the plane trip. 

schicksal

vinerie said:

schicksal My MIL is cheap, too. She ALWAYS gets the early flight or red-eye. And they are totally fine financially. But she likes to brag about the low cost of the plane trip. 

Do they look at you like you're completely crazy when you do something that's not the cheapest possible option like ours do? I'd rather replace something once than go with brand X and replace it 5 times but that's a foreign concept to them.

I remember the actual confession I started to write. #3: I've been meaning to vacuum for 3 weeks now but keep on getting distracted by stupid things. The dog in my profile pic leaves lots of fuzzies around and some of them are turning into little snowballs now. Better get on that one sometime soon.

sillyfox

@yogahh I'm sorry you're dealing with that. What a difficult position they have both put you in. I agree with @vinerie, maybe talk to DH. Hope they can be amicable before baby comes!

FFFC - I'm sitting at my desk before 10 am eating a fruit roll up. No shame.

Jesse835235

I guess my confession is that we're quite fine financially, but I'm still frugal.  I'll gladly take the early flight if it means savings a couple hundred bucks.  However, I don't have people drop me off/pick me up from the airport.... I'll just park.

Bluejay3030

I have lied my way out of almost every social obligation for the past few weeks. I have no desire to be around people, period.

Also, if I stay awake past 9:30, I'm pretty much guaranteed to throw up. So naturally I'm going to bed as soon as DD is down for the night. I have completely abandoned household chores.

And last, I think all of the fight has finally been taken out of me thanks to constant m/s, and now a yeast infection (seriously?!!). Therefore, my daughter has gotten whatever she wants all morning. That includes watching Disney channel non-stop and eating "lunch" (aka everything I would normally give her as a snack) on the sofa (yep, watching tv) instead of at the table. This setup is not sustainable for us, and she doesn't break habits easily, and I feel like a crap parent right now. And H is playing in a golf tournament this weekend, so I won't get a break anytime soon .

Ugh, sorry for the unintended rant, ladies. I just feel so down on myself right now and needed somewhere to vent.

vinerie

schicksal LOL yes, all the time. For our wedding they insisted that we buy the champagne from a different liquor wholesaler than the rest of our bar drinks because they found it $1 a bottle cheaper somewhere else. The cheaper place didn't deliver the alcohol to the venue. The place where it was $1 more (and where we had ordered all the rest of our alcohol) DID deliver. No joke, my MIL and her husband insisted on picking up the champagne from the cheaper place, driving it to the venue the day of the wedding and bringing it in. Mind you, they are old and not very mobile (they've both had knee replacements and kind of wobble and hunch over when they walk). And they want to personally carry in cases of champagne because it is $1 cheaper per bottle. I finally put my foot down (for their own benefit!) and said absolutely not. IN any event, the day of the wedding, MIL would need to be getting ready, etc. Not hurting herself carrying cases of champagne (at high elevation--we got married in CO!) all over the place. 

Oh, I should add that we ordered 16 bottles of champagne. So all of that craziness for $16. lolz. 

lest12

My FFFC is part apology to the board. A few times I defended the Ramzi guess the sex of my baby! posts, saying I didn't mind.

I didn't at first... but after two or three of them, I get it, because i want to scream. Dude, I have no idea what the sex of your baby is... and if your US tech or Dr can't tell, why do you think I can?

So, sorry everyone. I eat my word!

laurenmdrn16

@yogahh I am sorry this is happening. Like you need any more stress, amiright?! Your post actually really opened my eyes to how MH must feel since my MIL and I have a contentious relationship (that is very mild wording!). I agree with PPs that you should sit down with your husband and explain how his comments and attitude have affected you. He is your husband, but she is your mom. You shouldn't have to choose sides or prove loyalty (this from the woman who not too long ago screamed at her husband "You should always be on my side! I'm your wife!"...definitely not my finest moment). But seriously, it is unfair to ask you to side with either one. I think that he needs to understand that having your mom around might be uncomfortable for him, but it is something you want and deserve to have. Having my mom and sisters around after my son was born was basically what kept me afloat during those first few months and I have no idea what I would've done if MH refused to allow them to stay with us or left for his parents' house. As your husband, he should realize that sometimes you make compromises for the one you love and endure a little awkwardness or discomfort for the sake of your spouse.

As for your mom, it does sound like, in her way, she is trying to reach out and extend an olive branch. Maybe it is twinged with a little manipulation, but it seems like her heart is mostly in the right place. And is it really such a bad thing if the baby is the reason she starts to soften towards your husband? Some people are just not meant to get along (*cough cough my MIL cough cough*) but they both need to just suck it up and appreciate who they are. I understand the only reason my MIL speaks to me is because I gave birth to her grandson (the one named after her husband!) and at first that kinda ticked me off, but now I just do all I can to encourage whatever affection or love she wants to show my son. We will never be buddies, but if I have to smile and play nice for a dinner or two to make sure my son gets everything he deserves, you bet I'm going to do it!

salbb

Not an exciting confession but been off work for few days and done nothing but lie around and watch baaaaaaaad TV movies ! Cleaning and paperwork thoroughly ignored...

Bluejay3030

@lest12 - haha, that was me, too. I'm glad I kept my mouth shut because after 3 in a row I was like, ok I get it now.

tgortney

I had my first pregnancy break down. DH forgot to turn off the porch light AGAIN and left it on all day. After telling him for the 10th time. I started crying and saying "YOU DON'T EVEN MAKE AN EFFORT". I cried about a porch light y'all :-??

Jesse835235

I just ate my third breakfast. 

1st at 5a.m. - cereal
2nd at 7:45a.m. - oatmeal
3rd (and hopefully final) at 10:15a.m. -  english muffin breakfast sandwich

No shame.

yogahh

Thanks guys. The issue is, DH fights like a kindergartener. When I explain my feelings, he immediately accuses me of not being on his side and becomes a child. That's what I have been dealing with for the past hour. So my new FFFC is... sometimes I wonder if he is an asshole or not. And that makes me the asshole.

wamam027

@yogahh so sorry you're going through this. My husbands parents hate me, absolutely hate me because I asked for a little privacy (they were BEYOND over-controlling and tried to be way over-involved). Yet my husband thinks they're being total psychos and have blown this all out of proportion and none of us are on speaking terms. I felt, initially when they responded to my asking for privacy with very hurtful things said about me, that we could reach a point of reconciliation, yet they have continued to push me to a point where I simply don't want the negativity and stress in my life, and I certainly do not want such evil hearted people around me or my child once he or she is born. My husband completely agrees and is disgusted by them. It's very very difficult, because obviously they are my husbands family and I want as much love and support for our marriage and our children as is possible, yet to me, they're not being loving and supportive.

As far as your circumstance, I'd sit both of their butts down and tell them that they need to hash it out and lay it out on the table because you need BOTH of them. They both need to be adult and mature enough for your husband to put his problems with your mother aside (nobody says they need to be best friends, just be flipping cordial) and for your mother to stop whatever's she's doing to get under his skin and simply be a support to you and your marriage. As far as your mom staying with you when the baby comes, your husband will be thankful for the help your mom offers you BOTH with the baby and especially for the help she offers you. In my opinion, mothers are there to help their daughters recover from childbirth and it's simply an added bonus that they get to help with the little one as well. Just like I told my husband, (although he's fine with my mom) the only person I want helping me get in the shower or take my first poop after giving birth is MY MOM, especially since she can grab her own breakfast, lunch and dinner and I don't have to entertain her as I would anyone else staying to "help" after the baby.

Hoping the two of them can get to a cordial place for your sake, so not fair to have you in the middle like this!

LondonToSavannah

I'm so lazy that I'm eating my yogurt with a knife. I forgot a spoon and I don't want to have to go to the teachers lounge and talk to anyone.

laurenmdrn16

@londontosavannah I just ate noodles with the wooden ends of cotton-tipped applicators as chopsticks for that exact same reason! And I am currently eating yogurt with a tongue depressor. No shame in your game!

LondonToSavannah

laurenmdrn16 said:

@londontosavannah I just ate noodles with the wooden ends of cotton-tipped applicators as chopsticks for that exact same reason! And I am currently eating yogurt with a tongue depressor. No shame in your game!

You are like a food MacGyver!

kbrands7

LondonToSavannah said:

I'm so lazy that I'm eating my yogurt with a knife. I forgot a spoon and I don't want to have to go to the teachers lounge and talk to anyone.

I have definitely done that before! Or if I don't have any utensils, I'll fold the lid over on itself (exposed part of lid on the inside) and make a sort of shovel shape...

LadySamLady

@yogahh I'm sorry you're going through this and I really hope it gets better! You need your husband and you need your mother and they need to start prioritizing your feelings, and ultimately the baby's well being, over their own.

In my relationship, I'm usually the asshole. Not on purpose of course but I just am. My husb is the second oldest of 5 siblings (i'm the youngest of 2) and as a result he is naturally less selfish and accommodating to a fault. He can sometimes be a bit of a martyr but for the most part he's annoyingly great. If he gets upset I listen because it takes a lot for him to speak up. It means I apologize a lot more than he has to but our dynamic works for us. 

Anyway, as an asshole myself it sounds to me like maybe your DH is being kind of an asshole about this - not on purpose, he clearly has a lot of strong emotions about it but I hope you can feel empowered to tackle this issue head on before the baby arrives. Maybe he just hasn't been able to really listen to you before because of his own assholiness. My husb has to be pretty blunt with me sometimes because I can get in my own way in the listening department. Honestly, I'm not sure why I thought all this a-hole talk was helpful....I guess I just don't want you to give up on getting through to him!

 

laurenmdrn16

@londontosavannah it comes from years of working at hospitals with very sparsely stocked supply shelves and exactly 8.5 minutes to figure out how to eat lunch. But, hey, if my skills help me avoid the dreaded teacher's lounge, I'm up for it!

@kbrands7 I love the "top as spoon" technique! Brilliant!

itsStackie

I did something horrible to my back yesterday and can't really move without wincing in pain. My confession: after maybe a minute of researching if icy hot patches are good or bad during pregnancy, I decided I don't care and had DH put it on since I can't really take a good pain med.

doozer1345

@yogahh I understand what you're going through. Although I went through this with DH and his mom. They didn't pay for ANYTHING or offer (for our wedding) to but surely came and got drunk and sucked up the attention. Fast forward 4 years... DH had a blowout with his family and refused to talk or see them for 2 years. The first time he saw them in the 2 years was when DD was born. The only reason they knew about DD was bc I didn't want our child to suffer and not have her grandparents on his side and DD had nothing to do with their squabble. I told DH that they were coming to see DD (hours after I gave birth) and he was very pissed at me. I kinda gave him a reality check that it's not about me, him, or his parents anymore...It's about our child and if he had a problem with them coming to meet our child he could go somewhere else and take a nap. When they showed up it was all smiles and hugs etc. ***Note: if his parents had done something horrid horrid then this wouldn't have happened.

I say all this to give you hope that it may work out. I just had to put my hands up and put the fear of God in them by letting them know the thing about having a baby/grand baby is that it's not about YOU anymore. It's a tough lesson for some people to learn but you don't need this stress either. Sorry this is so long winded. I just remember how I felt when going through this and it makes me angry all over again for you.

ETA: Most men ARE assholes. Either that or they're just too dumb to look at the bigger picture.

yogahh

LadySamLady , the problem is he is SOOOOO set on her being this manipulative horrible person, he cant see the forest for the trees. Yes, I agree she has done some messed up shit and tried to ruin our wedding. But he thinks this gift is pure manipulation. I think its only partly manipulative She could be named the next Mother Teresa and he would still find fault. And when you have built someone up like that, how do you overcome it? I don't think you do. I think everything she does or says until the end of time will be wrong and manipulative in his eyes.

mrstmoose

@yogahh I'm so sorry you're in that situation. Definitely sit down with your H and figure this out. I know you can't give up your mom but also remember you chose your husband. I hate being that girl but no one else pointed it out. Try to find some compromise to make it work for both of you. For instance, if she comes to visit for a couple of days, she can stay at a hotel, and visit during the day/early evening. Just food for thought.

I haven't cleaned our home in 5 weeks. DH dusted and vacuumed last week, which was super helpful. So I need to clean and do laundry this weekend since we are having people over next Friday.

LadySamLady

@yogahh Boy, that's tough. It sounds like you'll never change his mind about your mother but could you possibly make him realize the impact the situation is having on you right now? He doesn't have to change his feelings about her as much as he has to be willing to set them aside for you, you know? I know it is easy to give advice from the wayyyy outside here so please take it with a grain of salt, I just so want this not to be an issue for you.

schicksal

vinerie said:

schicksal LOL yes, all the time. For our wedding they insisted that we buy the champagne from a different liquor wholesaler than the rest of our bar drinks because they found it $1 a bottle cheaper somewhere else. The cheaper place didn't deliver the alcohol to the venue. The place where it was $1 more (and where we had ordered all the rest of our alcohol) DID deliver. No joke, my MIL and her husband insisted on picking up the champagne from the cheaper place, driving it to the venue the day of the wedding and bringing it in. Mind you, they are old and not very mobile (they've both had knee replacements and kind of wobble and hunch over when they walk). And they want to personally carry in cases of champagne because it is $1 cheaper per bottle. I finally put my foot down (for their own benefit!) and said absolutely not. IN any event, the day of the wedding, MIL would need to be getting ready, etc. Not hurting herself carrying cases of champagne (at high elevation--we got married in CO!) all over the place. 

Oh, I should add that we ordered 16 bottles of champagne. So all of that craziness for $16. lolz. 

Yikes... my best BSC inlaws story is from when we were recently engaged and we did Thanksgiving at their place. It's 2008, Black Friday rolls around and her dad goes over to Wal Mart to get a brand new, giant 24" TV for their living room (not a flat panel, the square tube kind) for the lofty sum of $75. Her mom sees it after she wakes up and just freaks out. "It's too expensive! I can't believe you spent so much! Take it back!" and all kinds of fighting breaks out. Not awkward at all to see your soon to be in-laws going at it over basically nothing. I should have offered to pay for it because this was way over $75 worth of us wanting to GTFO immediately, but he went back and made probably the only return that day.

dsmith211

Why does my midwifes office call literally a minute before they close for lunch to tell me they need to discuss my lab results with me? I want to kick them right now... I already know the issue bc they kindly told me in the voicemail, but I would like them to answer so I can get the stupid prescription sent so I can get in on the way home today. I knew this morning being good was a sign of disaster for the rest of my day.