Ok, I know this may seem weird to talk about on a BMB, but my older sister and I were talking about the whole societal pressure to get married and have children. She is 30 yrs old, extremely independent, has lived alone her entire adult life, very career-oriented and successful, and yet still feels the pressure to follow a certain path. It was a little weird talking to her as her married younger sister with a toddler and one on the way, but as we talked about why I wanted to have kids (and how I have known since as long as I can remember that I wanted to be a mom), I realized that it is fascinating to consider why someone would have no interest in having children. Don't get me wrong, my sister is very loving, compassionate, and great with my son. She loves being an auntie and just melts when he runs to her and gives her slobbery kisses. She wipes his nose, changes his diaper, cuddles with him, sings with him. She in no way hates kids. And that was her whole point. She said "I love kids so much that I know my lifestyle, the one I choose and love, could never give a child everything they would need. And that is just not fair to the kid, to me, or to my future partner." This has made finding a romantic partner very hard for her because all the guys she dates are looking for marriage and someone to mother their children. I didn't realize how real the pressure is because I got married fairly young and followed the "acceptable" path of marriage, house, baby. We then talked about what marriage really is and is it just a stepping stone to starting a family? She wondered if she ever even wanted to get married since children are not anything she wants. It was so interesting and we ended up talking for hours while my son sang and danced and played quietly, sometimes climbing on Auntie's lap and playing with her hair. I realized that some of my reasons for wanting to have a child were very selfish and not as noble as I would like to think. I like being needed, I like knowing that there is a human who will love me forever, I like having an identity of "mom" and being part of this martyr-esque group, complaining about being exhausted and humble-bragging about how my kid is "only" meeting 9/10 developmental milestones for his age. And some of my sister's reasons for not wanting a child are very responsible and reasonable and respectable.
I guess what I am getting at is it was a great discussion and I didn't know if you ladies (and gents) had any thoughts about why you chose to have kids, what societal pressure you felt, and if you feel like you need to convert the child-free by choice. I used to feel that way about my sister (saying patronizing things like "When you meet the right person..." or "Just give yourself time, you'll change your mind"), but now I feel much more aware of the struggle she has gone through and compelled to encourage her to be honest and true to herself. Is parenthood right for everyone? I am thinking, probably not...
Re: Child-free by choice discussion
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
Hopefully I'll feel the same about kid number 2, but after this I'm confident that we're done.
I love the convos you are sharing: they are so honest and so important and things everyone should think about before they get on the baby/adoption train. And a great example of how awesome sisterhood can be:)
Families come in all shapes and sizes and there's nothing wrong with being alone at the end of the day.
I was actually in a long term relationship that was terrible but I was afraid to leave it because I was 24, then 25, then 26, then 27 and if I didn't get started soon when would I be able to have kids? I let the pressure of society's expectations (and my own) guide me into thinking I had to settle. Thankfully, the guy I was with did the one decent thing he ever did for me and broke up with me. I was heartbroken and angry, but after a while I realized that I was so much happier: I would rather be single forever (even without children) than settle for a partner who wasn't perfect for me.
Fast forward: found DH when/where I least expected, have known the joy of a great relationship, and now we're hoping to have lots of kids, but it was only after I'd given up wanting that idyll that it actually had a chance to come true.
On another note: as someone concerned about the environment, population growth, and poverty, I have always thought that it is flat out unethical to have your own children. Even when I wanted a large family, I didn't want them to be biologically mine. However, a few things have made me reconsider, at least to the point where I no longer think as starkly as I did (and to the point where I am now intentionally pregnant, of course).
1. My grandmother died. And I missed her so much and it was so comforting to see her face in my mother and my sister. Selfish, yes, but it highlighted some emotional reasons for biological connection. I imagine the same will be true of my own kids: to see who they look like, know they've got DH's features, it's really powerful.
2. The experience of being pregnant is unique but also universal and something I wanted to experience. Again, selfish, but less individually so, since pregnancy gives you a chance to tap into that experience that's carried us across generations, so you get a sense of empathy and learn new things.
3. Cost and access. It's hella cheaper and easier to have your own than to adopt. Looking down on people who have their own is elitist and thus in itself unethical. Not to mention that this philosophy of adoption is a response to the symptom, and not a cure for the problem of unwanted children or families who want but cannot care for their children.
Tl;dr point #1: There is *so* much pressure/expectation to have kids and we absolutely internalize it, to the detriment of real awareness of self and others.
Tl; dr point #2: More reasons for being CFBC! Even if I didn't stick with them...
To be honest I'm a lot like your sister in that I would've been perfectly content never having children and pouring my all into my career, friends and travels. I also agree that deciding *not* to have children can be a very selfless decision. One of my biggest fears now that I'm pregnant is turning into my parents, seeing as they've not exactly provided me with the most nurturing childhood. Most of my life I felt like I couldn't make some of the sacrifices that raising a carefree child required, just like my own parents didn't. I also didn't want to be half-a**ed about it. It was a question of being all in or all out and I didn't feel like I was capable to be all in. For a long time I was 100% certain about staying childless by choice for exactly those reasons. Especially in my 20s I was convinced I didn't want to burden an innocent little person with life's unescapable struggles just because I thought babies are cute. I preferred dealing with the constant onslaught of commentaries like "you're selfish" and "you'll like it when it's yours", which were not pleasant!
Home, healthy & happy
~ A., A. & L.J. - our family is complete ~
My husband and I spent 8 years together child free. We often reflect on how that was such a great decision for us. We were able to invest and save enough so that I was able to leave the workforce at 32 and will never have to work again. We traveled and did everything we have ever wanted to do. We truly knew each other as partners before a child ever entered the picture. Now it's time for family and kids and we are 110% focused on family.
So I guess my point is when someone is ready they are and if they are not they are not. I don't think someone who isn't ready or has no desire thinks they are missing out on anything. They probably are not and will live long happy child free lives. Each to their own.
Again, to each their own, but it doesn't make a woman any less for not having children by choice or not.
I feel like before DH, I lived too "in the now" to know whether or not I wanted kids. It wasn't on the agenda so I didn't think too much about it one way or another. I spent a lot of time "figuring myself out" and I didn't know what I wanted out of life at all.
Once I met DH, though, and we started to build a future together, then yea, I knew I wanted it to happen.
But 23 year old Lest12 wouldn't have had a clue. She was too busy in grad school and getting drunk on the weekends and thinking about moving to the other side of the country to "start fresh", etc.
ETA she loves kids and is a great aunt to our 2 nephews.
- BFP: 3/10/16 — Baby Girl born 11/20/16
TTC#2 April 2019As for me, I've been told I was going to be a great mom some day for as long as I can remember. I was a full time babysitter all through middle & high school, a early childhood major, and now a daycare teacher. So I always knew I wanted to have my own... someday. My husband was in the same bloat. He also wanted a large family (both biological and adopted) but not for a few years.
That all started to change last year around this time. I started having sever reactions to my birth control. After finding out why I was reacting we started looking into natural birth control options that were at least mostly reliable. That's when we found Taking Charge of Your Fertility (actually thanks to the bump). We decided charting my temp, fluid and position would be best for us. Little did we know! After two 65 day cycles and one 107 day cycle I finally went into see an obgyn. One ultrasound and a few labs later I got dignosed with an advanced case of pcos and told there was a probability I'd never have biological children.
After quiet a few discussions we decided as much as there was that we wanted to do without kids, having a child trumped that; so we stopped preventing. Fast forward ten short months and here we are waiting on our first little miracle. We're so happy!
Sorry for the novel! Started writing and couldn't stop.
I met my husband and we hit it off immediately. It wasn't until we were together some years I thought yeah someday I do want kids, but in the future. He has known he wanted two from his childhood days. Years later we have 1 and 1 in belly. And I am so glad that we do!
Many of our friends don't, and they are super great people. That is their choice and they have lots of support.
My husband changed all of that. With him I was crazy with jealousy and wanted to get engaged right away. After we married, I started to think about having one child. Maybe 2. Now I want 4.
I'm not saying your sister will ever change her mind. But the right guy at the right time does matter. I got my degree in English, learned Japanese, and lived in Japan for 4 months, and I still came back to marry him. 'Everything I ever wanted' was not enough without him. And I'm so overwhelmed with love and obsessed with him that I want to replicate him many times over. That's really how I feel. New life goal: 4 kids. This baby is hopefully our 3rd. People think I'm crazy for totally different reasons now. I don't care at all. You have to do what makes you happy!