Need advice-mother in law

loveymay

Sorry if I'm posting too much, but I need some unbiased advice. My mother in law is so sweet and I feel that I won the mother in law jackpot, but she is starting to irritate me on baby related issues. I need advice on how to reign her in without hurting her feelings.

So even before DH and I started TTC, like over a year ago, she knew our general timeline and started mentioning baby stuff. I didn't mind because I knew she was excited and it was still far away in the future. For example, she thought it would be cute to decorate a boy's nursery in sailboats. Sure that's cute, but not my style. She even started texting me and my husband pictures of boat shaped bassinets and stuff. She said if I liked it, she knew someone who could make one. I said nothing more than "oh its cute" and "we'll see." Didn't want to make a deal about it since it was irrelevant to me at the time (we weren't even TTC at this point).

The day we announced to her we were pregnant, she was overjoyed and 2 seconds later she said 'oh let me buy the rocker for the nursery." Neither dh or I said anything, just kind of brushed it off. I was 5 weeks pregnant. I already told dh that I don't want our parents buying any big items like furniture. His parents are divorced and remarried, so there are 3 sets of grandparents including mine. My reasoning is I don't want anyone to feel bad or offended of they buy a diaper bah but the other grandparent bought the crib, know what I mean? Also I want to avoid the whole scenario of "I'm paying for it, so I should have a say in what it is." DH and I are more than capable of buying everything ourselves anyway.

Last weekend, my mil brought me this little bench that looks handmade. It says "time out" on it. She thought it was so cute and bought it and gave it to us. Thank you for the gift, but for one thing I don't think its cute or funny to get a bench made for discipline when my baby is still in the womb! And I don't plan on using time out as a form of discipline anyway. But I didn't make a deal out of it. Just accepted it and said thank you.

Today she texted some pictures of bassinets to both me and my husband, and asked which one did we like. First off, I told my husband earlier that I really wanted a nice wooden bassinet and we actually looked at one at Babies R Us this past weekend. When I got her text, I asked him if he mentioned that to her and he said no. He said he would reply to her, and he told her that I wanted to pick out my bassinet and that we were still looking. You'd think that would get the point across to her of thanks but no thanks. She replied back that the ones she saw were $40 at an antique store, and that the baby wouldn't use a bassinet for very long anyway. Also she said we could use the hand me down bassinet that like 8 different babies in her family havhave used. I've seen this thing, its plastic, ugly and looks super cheap. Idk how old this thing is anyway. DH joked that a he could imagine was the Velveteen Rabbit and scarlet fever when it comes to that old thing. (I'm not knocking hand me downs at all, just this one in particular, lol). She knows we are very comfortable as far as our income, we both are lucky to have good paying jobs. So I don't understand why she is so hard pressed about buying cheap stuff.

If the baby is a boy, I want to decorate the nursery in elephants. I told dh that I would send her a few if my Pinterest pictures ideas and say something like this is so cute, I've decided to decorate in elephants. I thought this would be a nice way to end the whole sailboat thing without being mean. Now I'm just worried that once she k ows the sex, she is going to go crazy and start buying tons of stuff. Dh and I decided we will buy all big ticket items. But here's my questions:

How do I kindly keep my mil from trying to pressure us into getting things she has picked out? Like the bassinet thing? And how do I deal with other baby purchases like car seat or stroller, etc. I know people are going to want to buy these things (namely our parents), but I am the one using it and I want to buy the brand/style that I like. How can I convey this if/when it comes up? Is it okay to say something like well I've researched car seats and I really like this particular model. If mil or mother or fil or whoever says "can I get the car seat" I feel like I have to choose a less expensive model, does that make sense? Basically how do I deal with these scenarios? Thanks so much and sorry its so long!!

TKaiser91

You have to be honest with her. Tell her, "yeah the sailboats are cute but it's not what I want for the nursery. I want elephants instead" it's polite and gets the point across. She probably thinks you like/want the sailboats because when she asked before you said you liked it. Bassinet, car seat, stroller, etc can be hard when there's three sets of grandparents and they all want to buy a big ticket item. My parents are divorced and remarried as well and I had this problem plus The great grandparents wanted big items too. OMG was it a hassle and none of them would budge about getting something smaller. We just told them they could buy what they wanted once we picked out the design/theme, etc. Even still I didn't get the crib I wanted but it was the correct color so we didn't bother switching it. It was same brand just different model. Just pick what you want and if somebody asks they can get it say sure and give them the make/model info and let them get it. You don't have to pick a cheaper one just because somebody else wants to buy it for you. They want to help you out and to them the best way to do that is buy stuff for you and the LO.

loveymay

Yeah, I know the sailboat thing is partly my fault for not nipping it in the bud in the beginning. I guess I was thinking I'll cross that bridge when and if I get to it. The grandparents wanting to buy big stuff feels overwhelming. I know they are all excited and mean well, but its just hard because all of a sudden it feels like everyone else gets to choose what to put in my house or what my baby (and me) will use. I know that sounds dumb, but I am concerned about my mil getting carried away. Our house isn't very big and we don't have any extra storage space, so when it comes to baby gear we are thinking less is more, and we'll only get what we need. Like a high chair for example. We found a high chair seat at babies r us that attached to a regular diningroom chair, which we thought would be perfect since it won't take up extra space like a regular bulky highchair will.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. Luckily my husband is stepping in to tell her these things, so I don't look like the bad guy. I guess I just need to be honest and tell her that we want to buy big items, and that we don't have enough space for unnecessary things (like that bench she bought, seriously what the heck am I supposed to do with that? Its just gonna take up needed space in my attic). I also thought I could mention that she could keep some of these things at her house for when we visit with the baby.

Taraphanie

My MIL got carried away too once we made it official at 13 weeks. She sent us an email (we live in different countries) saying she was making a list and would start buying stuff soon. I answered back telling her that we were gonna make a registry and I would send her the link once it was done so she could pick things (big or not) she wanted to buy for us from that list. This way I think we will both be happy.

BrittnyS10

Have you thought about telling her maybe it would be better for her to get you a gift card to a store like babys r us? You said you wanna research more before you decide on a certain crib, car seat, etc. but she sounds like shes in a hurry to buy these items because she is excited. You could even let her specify if she want you to only use it towards a certain item, that way she might feel involved and appreciated but you still have time to choose exactly which one you want.

Im anticipating probably having a similar situation with my MIL. Ive decided once she starts pressure me about letting her buy stuff im going to ask her for an amazon gift card that i can use on cloth diapers for my LO, and then ask her to pick out a special story book to give the baby and have her write a message to the baby inside the cover. I think this will help her feel involved and will hopefully minimize the unnecessary gifts im sure she would love to buy.

Also about the nursery, you could tell her that youve decided on an elephant theme and once youve picked out the decorations you want that you would love her help hanging pictures and arranging items in the nursery.

TKaiser91

Grandparents will get carried away. And as far as i know theres not a whole lot you can do about it. Even at birthdays and holidays down the road they are going to get the LO a ton of stuff and it wills always be all over your house. You just have to work with it. Just make a registry of what you want. that way at least they're getting something you don't feel will take up space in your house. You can choose to put only small items on the list and then dont have to worry about them buying the big items since you and your husband want to do that.

JadaBlue

Register for exactly what you want and then direct anyone who asks about a gift to your registry.  Approach it like a wedding registry where you not only include big ticket items but a good range of less expensive stuff as well.

In terms of parents buying things you don't want...I have given up on this.  Some people (my mother) are incapable of understanding not wanting a lot of gifts.  Further, for some people gift-giving is a way of showing love.  I just immediately donate what I don't want.  My favorite is my father-in-law who gives cash; it goes straight into DD's 529 where it can do some good.

misstopsail

Ohh MIL's.. You love em and you hate them. This is totally DH's responsibility to shut down. He should tell her that while you appreciate all the advice, you're looking forward to picking these things yourself. Then register! And when she wants to buy a car seat/crib, you can direct her to the one you've picked.

You should not, however, have a crying meltdown when MIL buys a stuffed bunny at seven weeks and tries to give it to you, and you freak out because you ASKED HER NOT TO BUY ANYTHING YET, because it's really early and you're still anxious about the spotting you had the day before.
Oh wait... That might have been me.

Hugs... It's always hard to navigate this.. Especially when the in-laws are so nice.

kaitlyn592

As irritating as it is for others to pick stuff out that you wanted to choose yourself or you don't want, that's unfortunately something that we all have to get used to.

If you plan on having a shower (or not and just receive gifts from family/friends), the registry will only go so far. There will be people that will buy the most random things. Others will make really ugly homemade gifts that they put their heart and soul into. People will go and buy the total opposite of a brand that you put on your registry. That's just how things go and it's nice to just smile and act like it's the greatest gift even if we don't truly think so. Your MIL will not be the only one, she's just the one you're dealing with now because she knows about the pregnancy.

Just try to understand that it's all coming from a loving place so there's room to be truly grateful for their effort and thought. Don't feel guilty if you never use some of this stuff that she's buying on her own accord. That will happen with lots of things that people will buy you. And it's fine! There's nothing wrong with pulling out the time-out stool only when your MIL is visiting Be thankful that you have such a caring MIL who's just so excited for your baby!

Poppy16

She sounds just like my MIL! After 10+ years of marriage I've finally realized that I have to say "No!" very clearly and with absolutely no politeness for her to get the idea that I really don't want her help/stuff/toys/clothes, etc. If she shows me something and I say nothing or say "it's cute" she takes that as a cue to go get it plus 5 more, LOL. (My MIL is a very sweet person and just wants to help, but she also has a lot of time on her hands and gets overly excited about things.)

If your MIL shows you something you it sounds like you need to tell her right then exactly how you feel about it, or else she's going to get the idea that you like it. Trust me, start now so you won't have a MIL dropping off random toys and clothes when your kid is old enough to have a say in the matter. ;-)

spatter1

I agree with others. I think you need to be a little more firm with her, while still being polite (tough, I know!). I also think it's totally fair especially for the big ticket items to say very clearly that you want to do a lot of research and decide on the crib, stroller, car seat etc. that is safe and will work best for your needs. And when you decide on those things you will add them to a registry and she can buy as much or as little as she likes. 

I don't think I'll have this problem too much with my MIL (famous last words) but I would be pretty frustrated if she went rogue and bought something like a crib or stroller completely different than I registered for, especially if there was no gift receipt. I plan to do tons of research on these things and want to see and test them in person. Not trying to sound ungrateful at all, we're lucky to have people in our lives who are so eager and able to help us! These are just really important purchases and I think we should have the final say in what our baby is going to be spending a lot of time in. 

For the record I'm thinking about the big ticket items here - not the 100s of blankets and outfits and other gadgets we're sure to get. My mom probably has a secret stash of these things already!! Those don't bother me. It's mostly the items that have safety and practicality implications that I think are important for people to respect our decision on and unfortunately they tend to be the most expensive things as well. 

Ready4theParty

I understand where you are coming from, but you need to be firm with your MIL about what she does. Tell her you are eying a specific bassinet but haven't made your mind up yet. Tell her you want to decorate the nursery with Elephants. It sucks being firm, but she can't read your mind, and her feelings will be more hurt if you don't say something. She doesn't want to give you something you don't like.

That being said, if people want to buy your big things you should let them. DHs parents are divorced and remarried. I get where you are coming from but my parents aren't insulted by what my in laws buy and my in laws don't compete with each other for who buys what.

Also please don't rule out time outs just yet. They are a life saver.

DeeJ88

I think that you want to nip this issue in the bud BEFORE you start having negative feelings about your mother-in-law. You must speak up, because if you don't, your passive approach will put a wedge between your otherwise great mother/daughter in law relationship. She just likes you and feels close and comfortable enough to throw out every idea to you and probably thinks she is helping you. She cares and is probably giving suggestions/advice (like the family bassinet) because she may think she has more experience and doesn't want you to regret buying things you won't use for long. These are my assumptions, based on you saying she has been a blessing otherwise.

The best and nicest way I think you can get rid of this issue and not have any tension is to say this: "It makes me so happy that you are excited about the new baby, and I appreciate your advice and ideas. I feel blessed to have you as a mother-in-law and grandmother to our child, but this is my first child, and it's an important/intimate experience to me that I do all the research, pick out what I want, and then I could send you a list after if you'd like to participate by buying items for the baby."

cortney626

If i were you I'd have a conversation with your MIL. Tell her not to buy anything until you're further along and after the registry is completed. Stress the fact that you're researching products. If you want to put big ticket items on the registry and a parent wants to buy them, that's ok too. People will do what's within their means and it shouldn't be a competition. But I'd definitely have a talk with her. I've had to do this with my MIL and wedding planning. She had ideas for decor and I had to shut her down. I explained I had a vision and this is what I was going to do for MY wedding. While I understood she was trying to be helpful and respected that, she also understood and respected it was my wedding and I wanted things a certain way. 

linaboop

We have faced similar struggles with my mother in-law. She is loves to show her affection through helping to buy things and spoiling our girls with gifts. She and my father in-law were on a tight budget when they were raising their children and have reached a point now where they can splurge. We have their only two grand kids, with the third on the way, and no prospect of any other siblings marrying or having children in the near future. It's great now when the kids need clothes, but it's been overwhelming at times.

If you can't convince family members not to buy things, make a registry of all of the items you are planning on purchasing and let the family members who are clambering to buy things know about it. That way you will at least get the items you were planning on, and they will feel connected in their own way. It's a tough balancing act, I know, but sometimes letting them help is a really special gift that you can give to them. DeeJ88 had a great suggestion for a dialogue you could have that would broach the subject without ruffling feathers.

This issue will probably come up again, in other forms, once the baby is here. It takes great tact and diplomacy, but if you start now, it will really help in the future.

ejled

If you don't already have a registry completed, maybe think about making one and letting her know about it. She can pick what she's likes from it, while its also what style you prefer. And I imagine many people will still give you (us) simple little gifts along the way that definitely aren't on your registry .. I guess that's just one of the things we have to accept with a smile and deal with. I can understand how the craze to our mothers and MILs sets in.. We decided not to find out the sex, partly for this very reason. I only want necessities, and don't want to be inundated with all things pink or blue!

Good luck!

loveymay

You guys have all given me such great advice! Thank you! I am definitely going to talk to her soon about it. She texted my dh again today explaining to him the differences between a cradle and a bassinet. I'm not really sure why she felt the need to do that, but it is getting annoying for both of us. I know she is just excited. My dh is her only child and this baby will be her first biological grandchild (she has a step grandson already). But I really need her to take a step back for now, and I think being direct about it will help. I avoid confrontation like the plague, and I guess I was hoping all along that she would let things go, but maybe my being passive has encouraged her. She lives 2 hours away from us, and I know she just wants to be as involved as she can. I think asking her to help me decorate the nursery may help her feel more involved too.

I really appreciate everyone's responses and advice! It has definitely helped! Thanks!

NachosAndPeaches

I think you should register Asap for all the larger items. If she offers to buy the car seat tell her that's so sweet of you, we're still researching which one we want and when we decide I can let you know! Make sure DH explains to her that while she can get smaller items (clothes toys keepsakes), that it's important to the two of you to choose the big stuff together. Hence registry LOL.

sneakers03

I can totally relate. My MIL us a total shopaholic and is chomping at the bit to start going overboard on baby shopping. The kicker is she really can't afford to do the shopping she does. This had always been a pet peeve of mine.

We have a 2-Prong Strategy:
1. We are letting the sex be a surprise. This curbs what she can buy waaaaay down. This option may not be right for you, but it does introduce uncertainty in the gifting experience.

2. I told my MIL not to buy anything yet because we are doing research (consumer reports, etc) on the safest baby products and anything we decide on and need will be on our baby registry. This might work better for you particular in the hand me down department.

Hope that helps! Good luck!

doaaks

You just have to be honest with her, always !
But I don't know how really this feels, cuz my MIL don't care at all, and never showed me that she cares! But I think I'll be happy if she cared about my baby but politely I'll show her I'm the mother here, she already took her chance so let me take mine!