NBR AW-possible Trigger*

MercyC1130

Today is the first birthday we won't get to celebrate with my little brother. He would be 23.
It's been just a weird day. Ive been anticipating today for awhile and wondering how I would feel. I guess I don't really know still.
My dad kind of blew me off, but he tends to do that lately. He's having a rough time.
My mom, SD, sister, SO and I met up at the beach with my little brothers fiancé. She invited us to light a few Chinese lanterns into the sky to kind of celebrate his bday. I've had mixed feelings about her since everything happened.
We show up and she's there with her new boyfriend type thing... He's one of the reasons why I have a bad taste in my mouth. Seems like a good guy and all, but WTF, it's not even been 9 months. She was engaged to my brother. All of a sudden she's posting al sorts of shit on her FB with him. I just feel like that at the very least is disrespectful.

I grew up with her btw, and this other girl, ex-fiancé's best friend, who also came to the beach.
She's pregnant too so that's cool, I'll chit chat pregnancy. But it just felt awkward.. I haven't seen these girls in a long time.
I've kept to myself a lot lately. My brother and I had a lot of the same friends so it's hard to see them.
I don't know. I'm not really asking for advice, but if have any that's cool.
Just been a weird day with lots of mixed emotions. I'm not good at talking about them and don't feel comfortable talking to many anyway.

PetitNightingale

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. Honestly. I don't really know what to say but you're in my prayers. 

thegingeravenger

I'm so sorry. Hugs to you and your family as you go through this. 

Elyse1384

Wow sorry to hear your family is going through that.

Gapeach83

Sorry your going through this. Praying for your family.

thefithuntress

I'm sorry. I think everyone has a different way of grieving. I hope that you can do something nice with your family to remember your brother. The Chinese lanterns sound beautiful.

eamarat

I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this. Just, dont stop talking about him. It may be painful but keep those memories of him bright. After my grandmother died no one talked about her in fear of making my mother upset and to this day it just seems wrong. That it's still this thing we can't bring up even though we all truly miss her, but remembering by yourself just doesn't feel the same, it makes that person seem oddly distant or faded, like memories that didn't really happen if that makes sense. Sorry, I don't really know how to explain it
I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts.

MercyC1130

Hey thanks ladies.
Sorry total off the wall vent, but I appreciate the thoughts
@eamarat You explained perfectly. I very much have trouble talking about it with my loved ones and friends and I can feel how heavy it is. Thank you, great advice and reminder:)

MargaretC5

I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers.
My little sister passed away 11 years ago when she was 21. It was very hard on my family. It does get easier but it always hurts. I still have those moments when I see something and my first thought is I want to tell my sister about it. Everyone grieves differently, please do whatever you are comfortable with, except keep the pain inside and not deal with it.
About your brother fiance, I am sure this is hard on her also. I know her new boyfriend is upsetting to you but please try not to judge her. She is trying to move on also in the best way she knows how.

tayzav

So sorry for your loss.

nmwheel1

I'm sorry you are going through this. You and your family are in my thoughts

helsbels222

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The loss of a brother is one of the most painful losses. The first birthday without are difficult. My brother's 7th birthday without him was 2 weeks ago. Would have been 36. His SO dated very quickly after and is now married. I had to cut her off yrs ago. It was just too strange being around her. I understand how odd it feels and unfair that it seems like everyone is moving on. His friends have other friends and his gf found another bf but you can't replace him. Just know that your feelings are normal. Feel angry if you need to or sad. Unfortunately, the pain you feel and emptiness you feel without him stays but it gets less constant. Eventually, you will be able to look back at the happy memories you have of him and smile.
Speak to a grief counselor or join a group if you haven't already. It really helps to talk about it with others who know what you are going through. I feel you really could use a creepy internet hug now >:D<

Lsager424

I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts.

ashleywuli

I'm so sorry for your loss! Prayers and hugs for you and your family.

tdart14

I'm sorry for your loss, and for what your dealing with now. I don't have any advice, but I will keep you in my thoughts.

lakesideknitter

So sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers.

Falchas

Just wanted to say I'm sad for your loss, that is so much to be going through.  I know with loved ones I've lost, big life events, such as having a child is sometimes a reminder of what that person should be there for, and it makes the feelings that much sharper.  It's still so fresh for you, my thoughts are with you and your family!

CocoR04

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I can relate a bit. My family just passed the 1-year mark of my sister's sudden death and my brother-in-law posted to Facebook 2 days before the anniversary saying he lost her a year ago, that day. My family and I got so weirdly emotional about his mistake and it's caused some tension since. Long story short, I've learned that all family members deal with loss so differently and holidays, birthdays, life events will always be hard with the absence of your loved one.

Can you talk to your SO about your feelings? I feel more comfortable talking to DH than my family because I never know where they truly are in their grief process. Ugh it's so hard. I feel for you!!!

MercyC1130

Thank you guys, you all are great

jscasher

So sorry for your loss. I can't personally relate, but my husband lost a 21 year old sister (he was 19 at the time) and to this day, nine years later, her birthday and anniversary of passing days are still really hard and confusing for him. He did tell me it gets a little easier each year, and that sometimes time is all it takes to help ease the pain. I hope you have a strong support system, and as @CocoR04 said earlier, utilizing someone outside of your immediate family may help, whether it's an SO or a close friend.

rachswi

So sorry for your loss. I know that first year is so tough as its a year full of "firsts" (first Christmas without him, first birthday, first ______). Allow yourself to grieve during these events and allow yourself to talk about him. Hugs and prayers!