1st person to ask about future children

mrsmommya

With a 3 year old we have gotten asked countless times when another baby was coming.  It really never bothered me before.  Of course I knew it would happen after our loss, just not sure when.  I am 3 weeks post D&C and almost 5 weeks since we found out about the MMC.  

At my nephew's birthday this weekend someone asked.... when are you guys going to have another one?  I held it together to respond, something like...we're working on it...or someday.  Frankly, I can't really remember.  I was just trying not to lose it.   

I did end up shedding some tears.  I know this person had no idea what emotions they were digging up, but I was so angry that I have to constantly feel like I am not moving forward.  Just when I think...you got this.  You are fine, something else happens and I am once again in shambles.

carrieandr

I don't have any kids yet and a week after my d&e, my hairdresser told me I better start trying soon because the clock is ticking. (I'm 37.) I told her I just had a miscarriage.

PeggyOlsonFTW

No one has asked us when we're giving DS a sibling yet, but if they plan to stick their nose in my business, I plan to flat out tell them about my miscarriage and make them feel like an ass for asking about something that's not their business.

angelbab807

My mother in law has been after us for kids for the past 5 years (we've been together for 9). And since our "plan" was for us to start trying when we turned 28 (next week for my husband and next month for me) she's brought it up even more recently. The problem is she has no idea about the miscarriage we just went through because we were going to surprise them and my in laws are also going through a divorce right now (they announced it right around the miscarriage). We don't have the heart to say what happened since everything is already so hard and stressful for them and she wants to be a grandma so bad. Even yesterday when we saw her she brought it up and said she wants something to look forward to. It's so hard and all I wanted to do was say that we do too. I hate having to hold it together every time someone brings up having a baby. We have one family member that went through this 2 years ago but she got pregnant right away and had a natural miscarriage but I also can't go to her to talk because I know it would get around to the rest of the family. I'm just glad there are sites like this that we can go to to vent and ask for advice from other women that are going through it too.

vampirina

I've thought a lot about this since I experienced my loss. Most of my family and friends are incredibly respectful and don't ever ask about our family plans, but my husband's family and friends are whole different story. While I'm totally cool with listening to others talk about their plans, I just have NEVER felt comfortable talking about mine. In the past I have always brushed it off "oh we'll see," "maybe someday," "it's not something that is so easy to plan."

But now if someone asks I plan to just be blunt and tell them that I never want to be asked that question EVER and will never share that answer. It's private, and not their business. It's an off limits topic for me. End of story. I have no desire to be polite on this subject anymore. They are being rude and it is jarring, painful and disrespectful, not just for me but for all the others' that they ask this question to.

I don't plan on mentioning the fact that I miscarried, because that is not their business either and I just KNOW that they will say all the wrong things (like oh, you can try again, or I bet you'll get pregnant again soon, it wasn't the right time, it's all part of the God's plan, etc).

ZoeyRaeJames

Even though I'm currently 7 months Pregnant, and first time at that, I have had people start questioning me if the SO and I are working on plans to have ANOTHER one when we finallu get the chance in another 1.5-2 years. This started when I got to be about 3.5 months along, too. Uhm. Hello! Our first one hasn't even been born yet! WHY on Earth would the hubby and I even THINK about another one?! @-) Ugh! To be honest, I don't even think we want another one.

crob5685

@PoodleDoodleOoo I went with this approach with my brother and it backfired. He was all offended and sad and "I thought we were friends" and then the whole thing backfired because the point was to try to prevent my feeling like crap, but then I just felt like crap for a different reason. Don't blame you though..still might come out this way if my MIL asks me anytime soon!

Af2013nl

Sorry for your loss.  People asking about future babies puts me on a downer too.  I guess I feel like I cope ok until someone brings it up. It is normally a friend who has just become pregnant that asks.  I tell them the truth, that we've experienced two losses and are hoping third time is the charm.  Although I don't bring the subject up myself in conversation, acknowledging my misses out loud does help a little bit, and so far people have been respectful to leave it alone after that.

carrieandr

@Af2013nl I do the same. And then they often tell me they or loved ones or friends have had miscarriages as well. I wish people talked about it more. The secrecy makes it seem like it rarely happens, and leaves you feeling so alone when it happens to you.

Af2013nl

I do too.  I think it would help so much with the griefing process for those of us who have experience miscarriage and perhaps increase sensitivity in others that have been fortunate enough not to be affected by it.

vampirina

@crob5685

I'm sorry that this backfired and your brother reacted that way! I hope he realizes that even if you're close it is still an incredibly sensitive subject. I still plan to be strong about this, not only for myself but because I know there are so many other women who are inappropriately asked this question and I am so sick of feeling like I have to be overly sensitive to people who are making very rude comments.

Most of the people in my life who ever mention family planning or TTC are not close to me at all in part because I've been consistently evasive of the topic in the past with those who are close to me. Sorry not sorry, I have no desire to spare the feelings of those who ask these types of questions when their words feel like knives every time.

marie2409

The word "dread" does not even begin to describe how I feel about getting through the holidays this year because I know this will come up so many times. Hopefully I have healed enough my Christmas to not burst into tears every time someone mentions children. 

mrsmommya

@marie2409 I have recently been thinking about that...how hard to put on a smiley face and pretend everything is peachy.  My husband's family is also so dysfunctional and they all have multiple children....of course.  My family on the other hand will keep my mind off other imperfect parts of my life.  

kns1988

I was thinking about this. I just lost my first pregnancy. The MC started on Sunday and continues into today... I had no idea it could drag on so long. I always pictured miscarriages as a quick thing. But anyways, I seem to get asked every other week by well-meaning people at work (always in the bathroom of all places) when the babies are coming. H and I just celebrated our 1st anniversary on October 11th, so I guess that means we were supposed to pop one out immediately. I know they mean well, but now that I've lost one I'm really hoping no one asks. I don't know what might come out of my mouth.

carrieandr

@kns1988, I bled for almost a month after my d&e. I definitely had no idea that would drag on so long.

linnea625

CarrieandRoy said:

@kns1988, I bled for almost a month after my d&e. I definitely had no idea that would drag on so long.

Same here. I had no idea it would take so long!

kmmharrison

It's so rude for people to ask that! I know they don't mean to be rude, and they are just excited about the possibility of us having a baby. But, when they ask, it hurts now. It just makes me wish I could still say I was pregnant.

mrsmommya

@kmmharrison You can say that!  I think as time passes and there isn't so much immense pain I will probably tell more people if they keep badgering about it.  Immediate family I can see, but strangers.....you can shove it!

kmmharrison

It has been almost 8 weeks since my MC, and I've gotten more open about it. I've told more people than I thought I would tell. It's amazing how many of them have had one, too! These are people I'm friends with and talk to, though. The ones who bother me the most are those who don't really know me well enough to be asking such a personal question.

Once AF gets here (should be this weekend), we will be UNbenched. I can't wait!! I think maybe once that happens I can stop feeling "unpregnant" or "negative 8 weeks pregnant" and start feeling the excitement of TTC again.

mrsmommya

I was SO excited when I got my period after seeing my temp spike and confirming ovulation....I think there is still excitement, but also nerves.  I want so badly to try our hardest this first month (we waited one cycle).  I usually O between the 16-18 day of my cycle and find myself thinking about it multiple times a day.  I will just be heartbroken if we don't give it all we have this month.

kmmharrison

I understand what you mean. We are going to be trying every day from first sign of fertile CM to the day my temp spikes!
I've been so frustrated by this wait, but with DH being a high school band director, if we had been given the green light to TTC this past month, it would have been hard to get the timing right. I ovulated during one of the busiest weeks of the entire season. Marching season will be over after tomorrow night (yay!!! Happy dance!) and we will have more time together when it's time to try again. So that works out.

Good luck to you! Hopefully it will happen for both of us this cycle!

XoXomomma

I have a 3 year old and I had a miscarriage Oct 5th. I went to the OB today for a yearly and follow up on the miscarriage. When the nurse calmly said you've had 2 pregnancies and 1 birth it seemed to hit me again. I thought I was some what over everything... Nope, I'm not, a part of me is lost forever. I'm somewhat grasping that today

emmaleighbug

I have been dreading this question, or running into people who knew we were pregnant but haven't heard about the MC yet (not exactly news that travels fast). This week at work someone who I didn't know knew I had been pregnant greeted me with a 'Hey Mama!' I had to tell him that I had a miscarriage. Poor guy felt so horrible it made ME feel bad. It's definitely not fun talking about it out loud. I'm sorry that happened to you, I'm not looking forward to that question myself!

TTamTamTam

Oh, yeah. I know what you mean... People mean well but it's so, so hard to deal with these questions after a recent loss. I'm only 2 weeks post MC and I've already been asked at least 5 times when we are going to get pregnant. 

I've been able gulp it down and say, "Hopefully soon!"

XoXomomma, that is what made me lose it in the waiting room the day I had my D&C. The loss hadn't really hit me until I had to fill out several forms asking how many pregnancies/births I've had.  It's depressing to find out how many women this happens to.

mrsmommya

@XoXomomma  I believe our losses are now a part of us.  We will never truly be the same.  Yes will future children ease the pain, of course...but I think those triggers will always be there.  The thoughts of what could have been.  My loss was 2 months ago and some days I think..."I feel fine today." and then other days I am bawling at the slightest thing.

AL_TwinCities

mrsmommya said:

@XoXomomma  I believe our losses are now a part of us.  We will never truly be the same.  Yes will future children ease the pain, of course...but I think those triggers will always be there.  The thoughts of what could have been.  My loss was 2 months ago and some days I think..."I feel fine today." and then other days I am bawling at the slightest thing.

^^ this. My loss was 15 months ago and I still struggle some days. Maybe the infertility and unknowns is part of the struggle, but I really think we all will grieve for these babies in some way for the rest of our lives. You can't forget about one of your babies, even if you never met him or her!

kmmharrison

DH's Grandma doesn't know about the MC. The family doesn't tell her about things that might be upsetting unless we have to. The other day, she basically asked for a baby for Christmas. DH told her he'd try to work on that for her. God love her! I think she wants me to be pregnant almost as much as DH and I do. FX and praying we were successful this cycle so we can give her good news for Christmas!

MissPrint1219

UGH! I'm beyond tired of well-meaning people and the ignorant things they say. Like many of the commenters, I've just started answering that "it's not for lack of trying!" (DH and I are trying again after 3 losses). About half the time it's enough to signal the person to back off. The other half of the time, they follow up with "Relax! When you stop trying, it'll happen" and I just want to hurt them.

Kurtni

My MIL told me "you'll have other babies" about an hour after I gave birth and was holding my stillborn daughter.

It's never appropriate to ask someone about TTC even if they mean well, whether they may be dealing with loss, infertility or who knows what. I'm sorry someone was so invasive.