Siblings

canadiangirl57

Im actually asking this question for a good friend of mine. She is currently 21 weeks along with a baby girl. But she also has a 4year old daughter who she adopted a year ago after we found her freezing in the cold -25 out she was all alone. When the police couldnt located her family my friend gave her a home, a place to feel safe and loved. But now that she seem the new baby thru the ultrasound she convinced that she about to replaced, that the new baby will be more loved because it came from her tummy vs a stranger tummy. We tried to explain to her that it doesnt matter who tummy you came from. Mommy love for her will never change. She going to be a big sister. But i was wondering if anyone else has had problems with older child feeling replaced or unloved etc.... due to a new baby

FutureMrsCaesar

No not really, my kids are all really excited.  Those seem like really mature thoughts for a 4 year old to be having.  Hopefully no one around her is giving her those ideas.  I guess I would just keep reinforcing that she will be loved just as much and she will be needed as a big sister.  Maybe consider seeing a family therapist if the problem continues.

smount2011

My daughter was afraid she would be treated differently, before we found out. Once we told her she was excited as could be!  I've been in her shoes before so I know how she feels.  When she goes to her father's house she gets treated differently by her stepmother.  She is afraid the same thing is going to happen with us but I told her that is not the case.  The one big difference between us and her father's family is Stepmom had a baby before she married DD's dad.  My DH has never had kids, only DD since she was 18 months old.  We had to explain to her (and we still remind her from time to time) that sometimes the baby is going to come first, but that doesn't mean we love her any less- and I did explain that I meant if she wants me to play with her but baby is crying to be fed/changed, the obvious thing is baby is going to be first.  And I also offered to let her help with the baby.  That is another thing she wasn't allowed to do (change a wet diaper or feed a bottle to her siblings).  I have no problem letting her do that with ours, as long as we are there to supervise.

I'm sure once the new baby is here and the parents let big sis participate in caring for baby, she will feel accepted and not like she is being replaced.

soxfan9968

So heartbreaking, I do agree to keep reinforcing how important she is to them and maybe highlight how much her new baby sibling is going to love her. Baby sis will be looking to big sis for guidance. Maybe reinforce how much more important she'll be because of that? But I agree with pp consider some family therapy.

canadiangirl57

Hopefully with time it will get better. My friend been including her all the baby stuff today she sat with her asked her to help come up with baby names. I got her a gift for her to wear at the baby shower, a pink gilter top saying "im the big sister!" She loved that so hopefully she come around more and more to the idea of expanding the family

arcanejinx

I work with children and at one point a lot of moms in the centre were pregnant. The kids kept talking about coming from their mommies bellies-and one little girl who was adopted said the sweetest thing "I came from another mommies belly who couldn't take care of me but I really came from my mommys heart". That is what I plan on telling my future adopted child (DH and I have always planned to adopt).

RosyK

I think also telling the older daughter how much she's going to be needed may help. My oldest (5.5) got a little upset when she found out we were having a boy, thinking she was going to be second in daddy's eyes.

Telling her how needed she was seemed to help. We have 3 girls, and jealousy has never been an issue. And I don't think this is jealousy now, just fear of not being as important as a boy. But, that was 2 days ago, and now she's starting to talk about things we need to do/get/make for the baby. I think emphasizing her important role as helper seemed to help.

lindscnn1

Awe, this broke my heart. It's going to be difficult for her to fully understand until the baby is here. Like pp have said they will need to let her know how important she is, she will be loved just the same plus she's their first baby. It is not easy the first few months to take one on one time but the parents will need to make sure they do alone time with her even if it is going to a lake and feeding the ducks. She is going through what a lot of only children do when a new baby is coming, so the good news is that it is normal. Maybe they can pick out 2 or 3 names they would be fine with naming the baby and let her pick which one the name will be so she feels more connected and included. I'm sure your friends will handle it perfectly especially with how their 1st child became theirs. I don't want to offend anyone but I have heard of adoptive parents telling their children that they got to pick them out personally, or that God knew "you" were meant to be our little girl/boy. I can see how that would help make a child feel special in that way.

alanna3622

We are in this situation - adoption of 2 kids with a baby on the way.

Idea for the special shirt is fantastic. It will work to get your daughter the special attention and status recognition.

Other ideas for including daughter in the arrival of baby are to present her with a gift "from" the baby, and vice versa.

Also, mapping out the plan in an age appropriate way (close to birth) may be of assistance. Where is the baby going to sleep? Will daughter lose her room? Will daughter have to move her toys? Will mom and dad still be able to have special time with daughter?

For kids with an unknown but problematic background be cautious about telling them they will help. For some kids, this is great. But if daughter was previously parentified, this may be a negative thing - even at such a young age, some kids are forced to become caretakers of siblings and parents. Unthinkable, I know. So your friend can just be alert for how this concept is responded to. She may need to reassure daughter that it is mommy's job to take care of all of her children and that daughter is still her child.

We are choosing not to talk too much about baby unless the kids bring it up. I read a few places that kids can get burned out on the expectation front - really excited, then bored, then frustrated when baby is STILL not here.

When baby does arrive, it is normal for daughter to want to go back and act out those developmental milestones and caring situations that she missed out on - she might go back to a bottle, or want to be rocked when she sees baby being rocked. Our plan is to meet ALL of those attachments wants and needs, as soon as they are expressed and for as long as they are expressed.

Another great idea is for the parents to express that they CHOSE daughter. Out of all of the children needing homes in the world, they chose her. That is very special indeed.

We were taught that it is good to acknowledge that biological children are different from adopted children. Pretending otherwise is not so hot for a young one that has probably learned that adults cant be trusted to tell the truth or be relied on. But that you can say that families come together in all kinds of ways and that is what matters - that you are a family.

Sorry for epic length here. Just excited. Tell your friend she can PM me anytime.

maddynnugget

My DD is currently seeing a therapist for some anxiety issues that she was having at the end of the last school year. We decided to keep her in therapy a little longer since we weren't sure the anxiety would be an issue when she found out she'd not be an only anymore. Now my daughter is older than the child you mention, but the therapist has been working on building her self esteem and focusing on what an important role a big sister is and all the things the baby will come to look up to her for. She's been very excited, we just want her to stay more excited than not most of the time as we know not every kid is excited about these things 24/7

A good family therapist may be able to help. Considering this child may be old enough to remember how she came to her current circumstances and have abandonment issues independent from the new baby, it may help to have her discuss with someone.

And how wonderful this little girl has found a loving home and is finally treasured as she deserves to be. Best of luck to your friend.

canadiangirl57

I think the hardest thing in this case for the child is the fact that her biological abandoned her so young. Were one day they were there loving her then the next day she was left wanderings the street freezing cold. Im sure that still in the back of her head being so young. 6months ago she decided that she wanted me to be her aunt, i told that was cool with me. The other day i took her out for lunch just the two of us and she asked me if she was going to be sent away again, her first mommy didnt want her around anymore. That just broke my heart hearing that. She never once talked about her "first mommy" we had good talk about how she would never have to leave. We would miss her way too much for her to go anywhere. She getting to keep her bedroom since the baby getting new crib and everything my friend decided it would be a good idea to get her a few new things for her room so she not left out like the new frozen bedding she really wanted

Swillah

This story breaks my heart as I am adopted and 9 months later my brother showed up I was very very young when this all happened. I can remember waking up in the middle of the night and going into my parents room to see if they were still there. I dealt with abandonment issues my entire life. Just make sure that she knows she is the big sister and you need her help with the new baby. Be realistic about what to expect with a newborn (crying, needy etc) but that eventually, in a few months, it'll get easier and easier and she will have lots of fun with her new sibling. She needs to know that no matter what she will never be leaving because she was chosen and born of your heart.

Melodyags

I have 3 kids already. The biggest problem I had was with my first daughter who was 7 when I had my second daughter. She was so jealous and really started to act out. Try to have your friend include her in everything, give her extra reassurance and and when baby comes have special time with just her and mom.

klantzer21

My daughter is 8 and she is concerned that we will love the baby more than her. And she keeps saying to my dad "but I'll always be the favorite?" (Only child/only grandchild for 8.5 years)

red3ye

ReviVing this old thread! Anyone noticing a change in how their Littles one(s) are acting? Ds has become more lovey dove over the past 2 weeks, has started petting my belly (which makes me think he understands now that babies are in there) but is also reverting to old habits: running away when it's time for a diaper change, wanting spoon fed from our plates instead of feeding himself with his own silverware, throwing temper tantrums (yes, we actually had him broken of that, he would still wine but not lay down and throw a fit)

ceds07

Yes. DD (age 3) is SUPER excited for her little sister but I've definitely noticed an increase in bratty behavior/sharing issues in the past couple of weeks. It's very hard to tell if it is related to Christmas of my growing belly (which makes it more real for her). I trying to be conscious of not talking about the baby all the time and balancing when we do and don't talk about it.

smount2011

My child (11) has been a super helper from the get-go!  Just today she was laughing at me for trying to put my sneakers on my feet (I have been working in my slippers because my shoes aren't comfy and while my sneakers are I can't get them on/tie them) so she put my sneakers on and tied them right up for me!  She has siblings at her father's house but she always ends up being big sister/babysitter there because the parents aren't all there (hence why I left lol), and we've told her time and time again that she will not have to do that here with us.  Other than that I don't know how she acts with them, but she does tell me that Spencer is her favorite   I don't know if its because he isn't born yet so he can't give her a hard time like the other two do or not lol.

cmerribury

Yeah, my son is really excited for the most part. He's into talking about what he'll do with his brother, how he'll help, and how "delicate" the baby will be when he gets here. He has these moments, though, where he's clearly unsure of where he'll fall in the pecking order. The other night I told him that I'll love them both for different things because they will be different people. I told him I'd love him for being my first, and his brother for being my last. He seemed OK with that answer. No reverting, YET.

irenewslee

Just went to my pedi for a 18 mo checkup for DD and I told him that we are expecting in March.  A few good tips that my pedi gave me were:
1. Make sure we call the baby OUR baby.  Not mommy's or daddy's or whomever's.  The baby should be OURS. Tell the guests and other family members to do the same. 
2. Go to the dollar store and buy a bunch of small gifts for the older siblings and wrap them. Tell the guests and family members if they bring a gift for the baby, they should (or are recommended to) bring one for the older ones too.  If they don't, then we pull out one from our stock.
3. Do not say things like "you now need to be independent and grow up because you are an older sister/brother". They are still kids and just because mommy and daddy decide to have other child, it doesn't mean the other one is now an adult. Don't make them feel like they can't be cuddly or cared for anymore.
4. Before the baby is born, wrap a nice gift for your older child. When the older child gets to the hospital for the first time, put the gift near the baby's box/bed and tell your older child that the gift is from the baby to his/her lovely sister/brother. 

kitteh81

ceds07 said:

Yes. DD (age 3) is SUPER excited for her little sister but I've definitely noticed an increase in bratty behavior/sharing issues in the past couple of weeks. It's very hard to tell if it is related to Christmas of my growing belly (which makes it more real for her). I trying to be conscious of not talking about the baby all the time and balancing when we do and don't talk about it.

My first had a LOT of these issues near the end of my pregnancy with her little sister. She had been potty training successfully and completely went back to diapers, refusing to even try the potty. She became SUPER clingy to me and would throw epic fits when I had to leave the house. I was late to work so much during those last few months, it was really stressful!

But luckily it all seemed to sort itself out after the baby was born. It's almost as if my first was insecure about all of the changes to come, and wasn't sure what her role in the family would be. But then when the baby arrived, it all became clear, and she saw that we had enough love for both of them. And she's been such an amazing big sister, watching the two of them together really makes my heart burst.