Anyone else having issues with an insensitive husband/partner?

jonah15

My husband and I have been together six years and were married in June. We are both thirty and were thrilled to become pregnant. My husband seems to be happy about the baby but indifferent towards my pregnancy. He is not emoitionally supportive and leaves me by myself a lot because he says I am too moody. We did the blood test and found out we were having a girl and while I was so ecstatic he was visibly and verbally dissapointed for days. I feel so alone in what was supposed to be such a happy time in our lives. I have wonderful friends and family but still need my husband's support. Any suggestions?

cMichelle0423

jonah15 said:

My husband and I have been together six years and were married in June. We are both thirty and were thrilled to become pregnant. My husband seems to be happy about the baby but indifferent towards my pregnancy. He is not emoitionally supportive and leaves me by myself a lot because he says I am too moody. We did the blood test and found out we were having a girl and while I was so ecstatic he was visibly and verbally dissapointed for days. I feel so alone in what was supposed to be such a happy time in our lives. I have wonderful friends and family but still need my husband's support. Any suggestions?

Have you tried talking to him? Have you been acting moody towards him? I mean there's obviously more to the story, but at the end of the day, communicating will a long way. Letting him know how you're feeling and WHY your feeling this way can help. And also getting him to explain his feelings and why he's feeling this was will help ease the tension and hopefully help better your situation.

myhoff13

I've read articles about gender disappointment which happens to some. Maybe try getting him excited by doing things like decorating the nursery together. Picking a name also helps with bonding and excitement. Regarding feeling alone, I think some guys don't really know how to deal with the moodiness. My husband has been a bit distant with me also. We even stopped having physical intimacy, but I suspect he doesn't want to make a move and agitate me! Lol. I need to talk to him about it and I think you should talk to your husband too

eri290809

I am pregnant with my third child and my husband was "emotionally absent" during both previous pregnancies and most likely will be with this one too. It's not that he isn't excited, it seems to be just who he is. Still it is very frustrating. More often than not men are not attached to the baby before they are born like we are and pregnancy is like an unknown language they can never learn. On the plus side, at least in my case, once my boys were born he jumped right into being a dad and adores his kids and was more willing to help and let me recover. Also I understand men wanting a boy and he may be disappointed now (which is ok) but once he sees daddy's little girl he will melt into a pile a goo :-)

aloha5736

eri290809 said:

I am pregnant with my third child and my husband was "emotionally absent" during both previous pregnancies and most likely will be with this one too. It's not that he isn't excited, it seems to be just who he is. Still it is very frustrating. More often than not men are not attached to the baby before they are born like we are and pregnancy is like an unknown language they can never learn. On the plus side, at least in my case, once my boys were born he jumped right into being a dad and adores his kids and was more willing to help and let me recover. Also I understand men wanting a boy and he may be disappointed now (which is ok) but once he sees daddy's little girl he will melt into a pile a goo :-)

My husband is the same way, little emotion out of him. It is who he is. We are first time parents and when I found out I was so excited. Haha he could have cared less. Actually said take another test tomorrow the lines not dark enough. You try to explain a lines a line, nope it's not dark enough. I've been super sick, he just says "I'd expect nothing less". He tries LOL. I think when I start showing or things start to get more real, he'll be more in tuned with it.

brewedinPNW

I'm a first time dad, my partner is 6 weeks and 4 days. She and I have been married for 10 years. Pregnancy is exciting, and it's fun, and it's scary, and it's weird, and it's unfair. Its easy, as a dude, to detach. I can tell you that it is difficult to be emotionally invested this early. The signs that she is pregnant are not the hollywood-styled cutesy signs, like petit morning sickness that only lasts an hour or the "glow" -- it's the lightswitch-quickness with which she can be angry or sad. It's the visible crankiness from the invisible nausea (hers is lasting all. day. long.). 

It can be tough to relate to. Sometimes it might be easier to distance than to want to be around it. Honestly, society has been unfair to women regarding pregnancy. Dismissing your feelings as "pregnancy related moodiness" might be part of it. I know it has been for me. That's not to say the pregnancy isn't affecting your mood - it is. But its easy for someone so far away from it (your husband, a non-pregnant dude) to just dismiss it as typical pregnancy hormones, which can probably feel really invalidating.

What I needed, what might help for your husband, is clarity. My partner told me that her feelings were valid - the fear, the crankiness, the nausea, the excitement - while admitting that sometimes it might seem or feel irrational to me. It helped to talk about the feelings rather than the symptoms. Talking about what you're excited about or scared about, or talking about how difficult the nausea is or the back pain makes it real, you know? Like I can relate to those emotions and those feelings. I'm not sure if this fits for your husband, but I'm also a fixer. I need something to do, or my hands feel tied and I feel helpless. It has helped me to research the first trimester, and get at least an external understanding of what's happening to my partner, physically and emotionally.

Anyway, I agree with others here than a conversation is a good place to start. I don't know your husband, and it could be that he's just unable to relate to you and what you're going through. Normalizing your experience could definitely help. 

NikauryReyes

My husband was the same way with both my my previous pregnancy and now with my third pregnancy, the other women are right to talk to him about it but mostly don't force it if he doesn't want to talk then let him have his space and when he starts go get used the the idea of pregnancy and having a baby girl he'll turn around. If not that he will be like my husband and will be emotionless until you pop and sees his baby.

PrimRoseMama

jonah15 said:

My husband and I have been together six years and were married in June. We are both thirty and were thrilled to become pregnant. My husband seems to be happy about the baby but indifferent towards my pregnancy. He is not emoitionally supportive and leaves me by myself a lot because he says I am too moody. We did the blood test and found out we were having a girl and while I was so ecstatic he was visibly and verbally dissapointed for days. I feel so alone in what was supposed to be such a happy time in our lives. I have wonderful friends and family but still need my husband's support. Any suggestions?

Yes. Have you talked to him directly about your feelings?

I would suggest that both of you go to couples' therapy for the duration of your pregnancy. Its a good idea to have a third party and a "safe space" to vent emotions that might upset the other partner. I understand you might be feeling emotionally wacked right now, but you can't take it out on your partner and you need to up the communication vs. the whiny/clingy vibe I'm getting from your post. You should be able to function by yourself. Just because you're pregnant does not mean he has to be by your side 24/7 or even more than y'all are used to being together.

Remember your marriage made your baby. Just like a child you have to tend to it and nurture your relationship. If you feel like your husband is distant and upset-- you need to talk to him directly. If you feel like you can't do that without breaking down then I think  you need the help of a trained third party.

PrimRoseMama

Also-- it makes me crazy when there is this generalized "men detach from pregnancy" type sentiment. Not every man does. Not every partner does. I've known females who are actually carrying the baby to feel more detached from the process than their partners who are very excited/involved. Its all completely individual and really, it sounds like there is more going on here with OP's situation that is being outlined in detail. It is rare that changes like this happen overnight or just because of ONE thing (pregnancy). Dig deeper and talk more.

llybeck

brewedinPNW said:

I'm a first time dad, my partner is 6 weeks and 4 days. She and I have been married for 10 years. Pregnancy is exciting, and it's fun, and it's scary, and it's weird, and it's unfair. Its easy, as a dude, to detach. I can tell you that it is difficult to be emotionally invested this early. The signs that she is pregnant are not the hollywood-styled cutesy signs, like petit morning sickness that only lasts an hour or the "glow" -- it's the lightswitch-quickness with which she can be angry or sad. It's the visible crankiness from the invisible nausea (hers is lasting all. day. long.). 

It can be tough to relate to. Sometimes it might be easier to distance than to want to be around it. Honestly, society has been unfair to women regarding pregnancy. Dismissing your feelings as "pregnancy related moodiness" might be part of it. I know it has been for me. That's not to say the pregnancy isn't affecting your mood - it is. But its easy for someone so far away from it (your husband, a non-pregnant dude) to just dismiss it as typical pregnancy hormones, which can probably feel really invalidating.

What I needed, what might help for your husband, is clarity. My partner told me that her feelings were valid - the fear, the crankiness, the nausea, the excitement - while admitting that sometimes it might seem or feel irrational to me. It helped to talk about the feelings rather than the symptoms. Talking about what you're excited about or scared about, or talking about how difficult the nausea is or the back pain makes it real, you know? Like I can relate to those emotions and those feelings. I'm not sure if this fits for your husband, but I'm also a fixer. I need something to do, or my hands feel tied and I feel helpless. It has helped me to research the first trimester, and get at least an external understanding of what's happening to my partner, physically and emotionally.

Anyway, I agree with others here than a conversation is a good place to start. I don't know your husband, and it could be that he's just unable to relate to you and what you're going through. Normalizing your experience could definitely help. 

This right here! This guy understands. My husband said the same things the first time I was pregnant but it took time for us to get to that point. My DH is also a "fixer" so being able to say, "I have been nauseous all day long and nothing seems to be helping, can you think of something we have that might be easy on my stomach?" was actually really helpful for him. He understood why I might be quiet or moody (because I felt like crap) and I gave him an option to help me "fix" it. He might not be as "attached" to the pregnancy as you hoped but like others said, they just can't understand what it's REALLY like to go through it and its hard for a lot of guys to "get" until the baby is born.

mrstmoose

I like that a dad is around these boards. Everyone is different, you need to start talking to your husband. 

myhoff13

Well I hope you ladies had better luck talking to your husband than me! I brought up the lack of intimacy and he said it's hard to be turned on with all my pregnancy symptoms And I didn't think I had that many or have really been complaining...

little_bren

I got my BFP this weekend and was disappointed when DH wasn't as excited seeming even though he's been dying for DC #2. He was SUPER involved in pregnancy #1. It's still early and I realized that he's excited just not in the I WANT TO OBSESS way that I am right now. No, he doesn't want to peruse the bump. Lol but he's still happy and excited. GL!