Former self

btm013

Has anyone else been struggling with losing their former selves or feeling like they are having some sort of identity crisis? Right around the four month mark I started thinking about the things I've lost: freedom to get up and go, my career and coworkers, traveling, MY BODY, my pre-pregnancy wardrobe, hell my palate! No joke my taste buds have changed. WTF?! It's not like I haven't lived my life to the fullest beforehand - I've traveled around the world (literally), lived abroad, made wonderful memories with friends and family, even waited until I was 32 and 6.5yrs of marriage before having kids with my husband. Why am I mourning what I once was when I am blessed with a perfect child, cute house and adoring husband!?
I'd love to know if anyone is feeling this way too!

This article summed it up perfectly: https://www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/i-became-a-mother-and-died-to-live/

Sammy K

Yes. Absolutely. I remember feeling like this with DS but this time is worse. I feel like I have given up all of my former self to be a mom. Most of my friends IRL are child free by choice, so I feel like I've lost them. DH says find a hobby to which I reply all of my free time is consumed by all things breastfeeding milk. I'm still struggling so I have no advice but you're not alone.

KaLikeAWind

Yes. It was (and I guess technically still is) a large part of my PPD. Tho I am not so down as I was when it was really bad, I still find myself thinking about what I could be doing (or not doing) if I didn't have a kid. It will really start to bother me if I let it, so I actually have to mentally grab myself by the shoulders and slap myself. Remind myself that I love to adventure and road trip. Part of road tripping is finding a random ass road (aka "Bob's road" in this family, in honor of the random ass road they turned down in the movie Twister and their map guy was trying to find where they were in all his maps and atlases) and turning down it. So that you can see where it ends up. And what the scenery is like. Bob's roads are adventures waiting to happen. I have to remind myself I LIKE Bob's roads.

So, I may miss the scenery of the freeway, and be sad because there I knew where I was going, how to get there, and how long it would take me... but I don't know what the scenery looks like on this road, so I'm going to find out.

At least, that's what I tell myself, when I think about the loss of the freeway. Damn, I miss the freeway, tho.

virginiaunicorn11

"My husband doesn’t pick at the baby’s head and eyes and ears like an attentive monkey." - this.

And two paragraphs down from that, wondering if you made the biggest mistake of your life. That was me, the moment LO was born until maybe day 12-15 or so. And when people asked how I was doing, I had to stop saying, "Well, I'm past the phase of feeling like, 'WTF have I done? I had a good life!!!'" Because when I said that, people got really uncomfortable.

I've moved on from that grief, for the most part. Traveling with LO has helped. He's been to 9 states. But when DH gives me shit about having a second beer or says we can't go out to dinner with LO, I want to lose my f'ing mind.

What has helped me the most is talking through with DH what I'm excited to do with LO. Places to travel, experiences to give him, etc. it makes me feel less like life is over and more like there will be that rebirth of Me, that she talks about in that essay.

But yeah. I hear you. I've felt this, and still do.

I like the essay, thanks for posting it.

HayesRN13

I can relate in the fact that I could NEVER stay at home and not work. I love my job and need the feeling of leaving work after a long challenging shift, having conversations with adults..etc. if I didn't have this I would not be a happy person or a good mom. I used to think and feel guilty I was a working mom, but it literally is what makes me a better person/mother. It keeps me from having those thoughts. You aren't alone with those feelings, I don't have a lot of advice except for me I have to work (part time), but I'm sure you will receive a lot of helpful responses here! Hang in there

aluicious

Thank you for the essay. It truly describes all of my feelings. 3.5 months in, I'm getting better with this "new self" and resenting my husband slightly less for being able to escape to work and sleep peacefully at night (conveniently, he never wakes up to the monitor... ). It's been hard to not feel selfish for occasionally wanting to have a drink or go see a movie and have someone else feed my child a bottle instead of breastfeeding. It's also been difficult to come to terms with having two science degrees and a teaching license and not using them. That used to be what defined me, and I feel like I'm slowly losing that with every word I "baby-talk" to my son.

My mantra: "You are more than a milk machine!"

cbrtncanadian

I did my best to wait until I was mentally physically and emotionally ready to become a mom - including preparing to lose my former identity. But there is rally no amount of reading or thinking or preparing that can actually prepare you for the feelings you will ultimately experience.

I just try and maintain perspective as best I can because it helps me to deal with everything. Perspective is key because you are shaped by your thoughts and actions and the way you think will influence how you feel and act.

I am still myself.

I still love the same things that I loved.
I still enjoy the same things that I enjoyed.
I still can do the things that I did before.

I just have to...

Be a little more prepared to leave early so we make it on time.
Remember that I may not be able to be out as long.
Be responsible and make good and safe decisions.

Ultimately keeping this frame of mind - I haven't lost myself I've just amended the way I do things helps me to feel much better.

And I suppose it also helps that motherhood for me has actually improved my identity and self concept. I just feel complete, like I've hit my groove and like I was meant to do this.

I'm not looking back. My own history has just contributed to where I am today and I can't wait until tomorrow because we are just going to keep growing together!

ChardeeMacDennis

You know, I'm struggling with this for the first time now, after my third baby. I honestly think some of it is this place, reading about other moms going to work in their challenging careers. (I'm sorry, this sounds like bragging but) I have always thought of myself as smart, it's just always been part of my self identity. But now what do I have? No job, an expired teaching certificate, and the most intellectually challenging part of my day is 10 minutes rereading Harry Potter before bed. I keep reading about how hard it is to re-enter the work force after being a SAHM and on top of that I will probably have to start in a whole new line of work. It's a few years off but... Blah.

lovethatcolosun

I struggle(d) with this big time with my first. Like Melly it (along with other factors) threw me head first into PPD. I felt bipolar. I desperately loved my son and then the next minute resented my choices of becoming a mother. Like the essay so eloquently pointed out, it's a grieving process and a roller coaster ride like no other. My husband quickly realized and admitted that he GETS to go to work and I envied that.

This time around I feel more seasoned. I choose to feel blessed and filled with gratitude that I get to be a SAHM. It is a choice and I honor that not every mom gets to have this choice. I will some day return to the work force. Right now I'm surrendering to the sometimes endless days and nights of infantdom and finding my moments of happiness in her smiles and coos (even at 3 am), filling my cup with moments of being needed by my DS to watch everything he does, even if it is over and over again because one day all too soon that will change to needing privacy and his own space. On the bad days I remember that this is only a moment in time and there will be many more of these and the blissful ones too. Motherhood has changed me...almost completely. My paradigm has shifted and that's ok. It's okay to mourn my individual identity and freedom as well as my ability to be selfish. I still wouldn't trade any of this for the two blessings I have received.

Thanks for posting that essay. It summed it all up perfectly.

alcrimmins

I miss my prepregnancy wardrobe and body as well as going out to eat or traveling on a whim. When I think about what I miss, I feel really selfish. I have a great life and it's everything I could have ever wanted, but some days I miss my old life, including working.

ChardeeMacDennis

Ok, after thinking it over, I guess I don't miss my former self, and I'm very happy with my current self, but I'm deeply unsure about my future self. Which is not what this thread is about, but that's ok.

Sammy K

I feel like I don't know who I am any more. But I like the attitude of getting to know the new version of me. I worry that DH might realize I'm not the same version of myself that he married, which is ridiculous since he's not the same either.

I just feel lost. I'm not sure if I should fight for the person I used to be or make peace with it. The lack of direction is the worst part.

jessieR358

I don't miss my former self...maybe my abs..I miss my abs lol. But I'm pretty ok with my new body and I love being a Mom. I'm ok with not going out to eat on a whim or going to the gym whenever I want. I knew life would change with a baby and I couldn't imagine life without him. I literally look at him everyday and think how amazing it is that I get to be his mom. There are hard days but never do I wish that I wasn't where I am right now.

beemaya83

jesshrou said:

I don't miss my former self...maybe my abs..I miss my abs lol. But I'm pretty ok with my new body and I love being a Mom. I'm ok with not going out to eat on a whim or going to the gym whenever I want. I knew life would change with a baby and I couldn't imagine life without him. I literally look at him everyday and think how amazing it is that I get to be his mom. There are hard days but never do I wish that I wasn't where I am right now.

This.....except for the abs part as I never had any lol!

@jesshrou

wheresilenceismusic

I maintain an awareness that my shifting sense of self is a result of our current culture, rather than a result of becoming a mother.

Did I quit my job because I want to raise her fully myself (rather than send her to daycare)? Yes. But before the 1850s in America, I wouldn't have had to make that choice.

Am I isolated now that I am a mother? Is it difficult to find baby- and breastfeeding- friendly public places and events? Am I nervous to take LO out to dinner? Yes. Because our country does not prioritize (or even consider) the needs of new mothers and babies. Because of the loneliness of suburbia.

Why do my pre-maternity clothes no longer fit? Isn't it so difficult to find nursing tops? I am scared that LO cannot get on a schedule, sleep through the night, etc. ... Again, all concerns that are specific to our culture.

What I am saying is: Do not blame motherhood. Don't blame baby.

Lastly, identity is a cultural construct. In America, we are not human "be"ings. We are human "do"ings. In America, we construct identities based on what we do (for work, for fun, etc). If you are having trouble with your new identity... Why don't you try shifting your perspective of what identity is? Will your baby still be the same human when s/he learns to feed herself, stop pooping herself, talk, read, drive a car? Because you will still be yourself - the one you were pre-baby - through all of those transitions.

Best of luck as we journey together!

Sammy K

@wheresilenceismusic How do you frame your identity? I know lots of women my mom's age that after the kids left home, had a hard time adjusting. Some went back to school, some got divorced because they realized they and their spouses were not the same people. I think becoming a mother can absolutely change who you are. I am more compassionate and empathetic now. I am also much worse at making conversation that doesn't involve poop. I wouldn't want to be the person I was at 21 but I kinda liked the woman I was at 30. Now she's gone and I think it is natural to grieve that loss while simultaneously celebrating what I've gained. But to not acknowledge the loss of self is an insult to the woman I was.

dancegurl1118

I don't really know who i am anymore. I know I'm not the person my husband married. But I was this way before we had LO...I've just grown up over the past 2 years and am less about partying and more about sleeping or having a scowl on my face. I'm a real peach, right?

wheresilenceismusic

Identity is a social construct that doesn't exist within an individual; it only exists in group settings. Some people are identified by what they do. Some by who or what they love or hate. Many create identies with the stories they themselves about themselves (based on truth or imagination).

I think of myself as a neutral observer to this world that I was born into. I accept every day as my life, but not as "me."

henrytviii

Hmmm. I can agree that identity is based on social and historical constructs but I don't see how one can leap from this to the idea that one should not have an identity or sense of self. As I have gotten older I've realized that I can only look to myself to shape my identity, my sense of self, and my well-being. I can't necessarily depends on others around me to provide me with meaning and peace or even happiness or entertainment. This continues to be a struggle for me like many here. I think that having a sense of how you are as a person as well as who you've been, and who you'd like to become is a vital, yet challenge, part of human existence. I have absolutely no desire to be a neutral observer in this world, I want to be an active participant in shaping this world. And I want my fellow June15's to find peace with who they are becoming. I feel this struggle as well. Right there with you ladies.

Sorry for typos in this, my phone won't let me idea tonight and if I delete and retype I am going to forget half this.

princessbmw

Loved this article. Thank you. I really struggled with losing my identity with my first child. This is my second and I'm dealing with it better, but there are still times I wish I could just be by myself and not responsible for anyone else!

KaLikeAWind

There is a very interesting theological discussion going on here! June moms rule. Love you ladies for always presenting a point of view on which I can ponder

aj1327

I'm late to this party but thanks for posting. I have been struggling this week.

@Sammy K my husband also tells me to get a hobby. I don't have time to shower but clearly I have time to pick up a few new hobbies.

I really have nothing to add, but enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts on this subject. Love this board!

jessieR358

I think taking care of a new human counts as a hobby lol. They just have no idea.

KarasTwin

I'm a really boring person. As far as hobbies go, I'm into reading, baths, and drinking wine. I'd love to travel more, but it's not financially feasible for us. I'm a very nurturing person so I really enjoy being a mommy and a wife. I think it's pretty cool that DH and I are responsible for bringing up this little person who hopefully grows up to be an awesome adult. DH makes sure I still get my me time, as I do enjoy time to myself.

Personally, I don't feel like I'm missing anything, but I understand how others do.

LaurenAnn0405

^^I'm like you @karastwin where most of my hobbies are probably considered boring.  I love to read, do puzzles, watch historical documentaries, and of course drink wine.  I did all of these things before DD and LO and I continue to do them now.  Before I had kids I did go out a lot more with my friends on weekends and I saw them more because I had no other responsibilities.  I do miss seeing these people because none of them have kids yet and I've drifted apart from them because I just don't have the time to meet up without my kids along.  Besides that, I'm very happy where I am now.  Some of my coworkers are my parents age and they love hearing about my kids, and the other ones are around my age and are going through the same stage of life as I am right now (literally.  One's wife just had a boy in April, I had my boy in June, and another is going to be induced to have her boy tomorrow).  There's one girl here who is the same age as me and is dating a guy for a few months.  As she talks about going through the different stages of dating and all that comes along with it I think to myself "man I'm really glad I'm settled in my life now and I'm happy where I'm at" and it puts everything in perspective.

aj1327

^^^ I agree with both if you. Working out is a major outlet for me. Totally not the baby's fault I can't. It's my broken foots fault, which is my own clumsy fault. But I think that's why I'm feeling down! Once I can go on my walks/jogs and do yoga, I'll be good to go. Who needs a bunch of hobbies when you can just drink wine instead? Haha

dancegurl1118

I wish I had a table space to do a giant puzzle. I love puzzles.

KarasTwin

I love puzzles, too! I have a beauty and the beast puzzle DH got me last year (it's a Thomas Kincaid) one. I got a good bit done, but once I got further into my pregnancy, I couldn't stand sitting in the chairs at the kitchen table. It's now on a piece of cardboard on the chest of drawers in the guest room

lovethatcolosun

I love puzzles too, but with a 3 yo in the house, that spells disaster! I have dreams of joining a ladies golf league in the future. 8->

mindaa

Sammy K said:

I feel like I don't know who I am any more. But I like the attitude of getting to know the new version of me. I worry that DH might realize I'm not the same version of myself that he married, which is ridiculous since he's not the same either. I just feel lost. I'm not sure if I should fight for the person I used to be or make peace with it. The lack of direction is the worst part.

Well said. This is a good extension of the discussions started the Fitness threads.

And I like the concept in the OP essay. I've definitely been trying to make peace with the new me and can see how it might help if I first  allowed myself to grieve the loss of the person I used to be. Maybe with that "release" I can feel free to move on, instead of this battle to merge the two identities. 

I think I've been hesitant to go there mentally, because doing so would imply that this new version is worse. But different doesn't mean subpar, it just means... different.

queequeg09256

I really enjoyed this thread. I miss old me, I'm a pretty introverted person irl. I do like that now I have a built in excuse not to do stuff or leave at a reasonable time. But I actually had a lot of hobbies I enjoyed one of which really should have been the gym. I miss knitting in my room on the bed with soft music and candles. I miss going to the park with my dog and not moving around a stroller. I miss naps... so so much. I miss pulling up a recipe and just making something delicious. And most importantly I miss my lo when I'm at work. I want to do all these things but with working once I get home I just have time for her maybe some food cleaning and hopefully sleep. Am I a different person because I have a child? Maybe. But maybe it's because the world now defines me differently where in myself I'm truly the same. But I would also be mistaken if I didn't say my lo changed me.

HayesRN13

KaLikeAWind

aj1327

I laughed out loud at both of these! Love them!

krystleshel

I am personally okay with who I am becoming as a mom. I too have hobbies that are from home (reading, bath, wine). I find I am struggling more with my identity as a friend. I am in my 20's & my husband & I got married young, so just now all our friends are getting married. I have one friend who is sympathetic & amazing (but she doesn't really know yet). I have another who is so confused. She used to call twice a week after work to chat & I haven't answered recently because the last few times have been complaints and silly chatter and I haven't seen my LO all day. She doesn't get it at all. It's so weird being a mommy when my close friends aren't.