Etiquette for telling friends you're pregnant?

spatter1

I may be getting ahead of myself here being 10 weeks 5 days, but I am kind of anxious about how to tell some of my friends I'm pregnant! Two of my closest girlfriends know, but I am holding out on telling my other close gal pals until I'm past 12 weeks. I have a group of really close girlfriends from HS that have all stayed connected through college etc. and I'm the first one to get pregnant. I'm still extremely close with 3 of them, but have not kept in great touch with the others on an individual level. The girls I'm close to I'll tell in person if possible (we all live in different states/countries) or over the phone. The others, I'm not sure... we don't talk on the phone and only really connect through a running group text we all have or when our group reunites in person a couple times a year. It feels weird to call them when I haven't talked to them on the phone in years, but at the same time feels kind of crappy telling them via text or e-mail. I'm also not sure when we'll all be together again in person. 

Maybe this is totally narcissistic and I'm thinking they care way more than they actually do!! I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Anyone have advice for telling friends? How did you let people know? I had a mc this spring so never got to the point where I was thinking about this...

Any advice is appreciated! Thanks ladies! 

sarahufl

I have a group of really close friends who have scattered all over the country in the 10 years since college. We keep up mostly by text/g-chat/email/ and a private blog we all keep together. So I told them through a blog post, but that is a totally normal way for us to tell each other really anything.

I have only told 1 or 2 other people and it was in person. I haven't even told my parents yet. In fact, I am flying to Florida tomorrow to tell them in person.

I really only plan to tell people when I see them, but I am oddly super private about stuff and don't feel the need for a grand announcement. I will let my mom take care of telling her friends/extended family.

Goldsgirl9

I'm like pp. We told immediate family with DS via phone call/person and the last few via a group text and pic. Everyone else we told as we saw or if it came up in conversation. We never announced on facebook or sent out announcements. It's not our style.

This time we plan to tell immediate family, including parents, via group text and pic. I had a D&C in May so no one is asking what are plans are for another one and we don't want to go through telling everyone one by one.

We are contemplating signing our annual holiday cards and adding "baby boy/girl M" to the signature with our and DS's names. It would not be an announce my pic though. Just our usual holiday card with pic of DS or our family.

Edited cause my iPhone is smarter than I am.

spatter1

Thanks @sarahufl! I definitely agree and will be leaving the family-telling to my mom and my MIL. I'm also not planning on making a big announcement, it's just these 2-3 friends who it would be really weird not to tell, and I would hate for them to find out from someone else or social media. I'm just not sure the best venue for telling them. We also have a running group text, so maybe I'll tell them that way. It's also a very normal way for us to communicate so might the most natural option!

spatter1

@goldsgirl9 I love the Christmas card idea. We always do one featuring our fur baby (see profile pic) so have thought about adding something to that like you mentioned. These friends I would definitely want to tell before they got a Christmas card, though. And, even if I'm not the one making a big Facebook announcement there's no way to keep others from posting about it to my wall or something. We have some over-zealous family who would definitely bombard our pages with baby articles etc. Eek!

NachosAndPeaches

I would do it through the group text

pinottoparenthood

I would say tell any close friends that you see regularly in person, and it's fine to tell those others via text. I think the most important thing is that YOU personally tell them before it leaks onto social media (or you announce on social media) and they find out that way. I almost lost a friendship over someone finding out on facebook... she thought we were really close friends (I guess closer than I thought we were), and her feelings were really hurt that she found out on Facebook.

NachosAndPeaches

@pinottoparenthood that's kind of screwed up of your friend! Why on earth does any friend or family member think they get to know before you're ready to announce? Unless other friends were posting things like "yay it's finally public" which I always find so tacky! If anybody did that to me that comment would be immediately deleted.

pinottoparenthood

NachosAndPeaches said:

@pinottoparenthood that's kind of screwed up of your friend! Why on earth does any friend or family member think they get to know before you're ready to announce? Unless other friends were posting things like "yay it's finally public" which I always find so tacky! If anybody did that to me that comment would be immediately deleted.

Well I posted an announcement on Facebook that I was pregnant and she texted me "Is there anything you want to tell me?" And then ignored me for literally months afterwards. I felt badly because obviously she was hurt and thought we were closer than I had apparently thought... but I'm kind of weird, like I don't get close to people easily. Anyway, I was like "yes sorry, I tried to tell everyone but it's hard! We are so excited to be expecting a baby!" or something like that. She didn't speak to me for months,but I honestly wasn't too upset over it. I figured anyone who wasn't happy for me or wanted to make my first child all about themselves wasn't a friend I needed. At the same time, I would never WANT to hurt anyone's feelings, so I wished it had gone down differently. We're okay now, on speaking terms,but she has also moved to a different state so we're even moreso just social media friends now.

spatter1

NachosAndPeaches said:

@pinottoparenthood that's kind of screwed up of your friend! Why on earth does any friend or family member think they get to know before you're ready to announce? Unless other friends were posting things like "yay it's finally public" which I always find so tacky! If anybody did that to me that comment would be immediately deleted.

I hate when people do that "it's finally public" thing too! That's exactly one of those things I'm afraid of! Come on people... have some tact... 

sarahufl

spatter1 said:

NachosAndPeaches said:

@pinottoparenthood that's kind of screwed up of your friend! Why on earth does any friend or family member think they get to know before you're ready to announce? Unless other friends were posting things like "yay it's finally public" which I always find so tacky! If anybody did that to me that comment would be immediately deleted.

I hate when people do that "it's finally public" thing too! That's exactly one of those things I'm afraid of! Come on people... have some tact... 

I recently changed my FB settings so I have to approve everything posted to my wall before it becomes visable. I just don't want baby stuff posted FB.

spatter1

Good idea @sarahufl definitely something to do until we make sure we've told everyone we think is most important. 

rschenck14

@pinottoparenthood,
I can relate.  We told my Aunt and Grandmother at a lunch outing, my parents were there and we showed them baby pictures and what not.  Well I was going to call my cousin, whom we used to be best friends, but had drifted apart the last few years, and apparently my Mom had told my Uncle, who told his daughter (my cousin) and I was getting angry texts from her about not telling me.  Now mind you I heard about her children through various family members and not directly from her (Facebook was not as big back then).  I didn't not tell her right away to be mean, we just weren't sharing info until we got certain results and we kind of wanted to tell people in person.  At any rate, it did further put distance in our relationship which was a shame.

allaire314

@sarahufl - never thought of changing the FB permissions! DH has been so worried about who we tell (before we tell his dad in person this weekend) just in case the news leaks!

Ready4theParty

I changed my Fb settings as well. We are telling people in person this time around. I have a lot of "friends" who don't make a point to pick up the phone or text because they know everything from social media.

iamrandom

Like @sarahufl I am a very private person (I haven't had Facebook since college, neither has my husband).  I have no plans to tell people with whom I'm not already close.  I will periodically get those group texts/group emails from someone announcing a pregnancy and, to be totally honest, more often than not I'm like congrats with a hint of cool story, bro.  If we haven't been in regular contact since college (for example), then chances are I'm not super invested in what's happening inside your uterus.

I realize this is likely a totally unhelpful post, my point is simply don't worry too much about what casual friends/friendly acquaintances feel about your method of announcement.  People have their own lives going on and while a baby is HUGE news to you (and surely to the people who love you most), it's not exactly of the utmost importance to most people.  

spatter1

Thanks everyone for the helpful thoughts! I realize this isn't a big deal to anyone but my husband, my family and our closest friends. I definitely don't care about what random acquaintances think, how they find out, or if they find out at all. It's just these 2 friends in particular I feel weird about because we are part of this very close group of friends, it's just I don't talk to them individually as much as I do with the other girls. And the group text is definitely not a random here and there thing. There are six of us on it and we message each other daily. It's not like when people send out those "Happy Thanksgiving" texts to everyone in their phone and you don't even know who they are.

I think the group text is the best thing for this situation and love the advice about changing Facebook settings while we slowly see people and tell them. Now I just hope we get to that point where we're ready to tell more people. It will be a huge milestone for us after our loss. Thanks ladies!!