Lied to everyone... Now I feel guilty.

aleecats

Let me start off by saying I have a history with depression, anxiety, and self mutilation. But I've been medication free for two years now, and self harm free for a little under a year and I'm so proud of that.

Anyway, I had my little girl Monday (the 28th) and since then I've been feeling... Bad, to say the least. I cry every time she does, I hyperventilate when she's been fussy for to long. I'm constantly worried about her safety to the point I check to make sure she's breathing every 10 minuets or so. Last night I convinced myself she wasn't and had to wake up my SO to calm me down.
I don't sleep, I haven't had more than a few bites of food since she was born. And today at her first check up they gave me a PPD screening. I answered yes to every question, including the last one... Which was have you ever thought about hurting yourself... I have, I feel guilty and depressed and anxious and like nothing I do is right or good enough. I feel like she hates me like she deserves better and it's driven me so mad to the point I considered self harm again....
The nurse practitioner was so alarmed by my score she called me but I missed it, she then called my so and told him what was going on and that I needed to call back asap, that it couldn't wait. When he called me and told me he knew I checked yes to wanting to hurt myself I panicked and lied and said I misunderstood the question. I told the nurse the same thing when I called back and though she was still alarmed she took that off the list... But now I feel guilty for lying about it and I feel like I should have been honest but I was so scared they'd take her from me...

febmom4

You're not alone Hun! I would suggest you call a postpartum support helpline and start there. Then you can remain anonymous. Is your SO supportive and able to handle the baby when you're feeling like this? Can you go on meds? Please get help soon. Hugs!!

jessyluscious77

I did the same thing when I was being discharged from the hospital back in August. They wouldn't let me leave without a psych consult. I was so upset about that I cried through the whole thing. He prescribed me zoloft and made me agree to counseling. I'm breastfeeding, so I've been afraid to take the meds. My depression is really getting bad, though. I'm really impatient with my little one which is not normal for me. My suggestion is to get help now, don't wait. You don't want it to get worse like me. I'm really scared.

lizzypoo96

jessyluscious77 said:

I did the same thing when I was being discharged from the hospital back in August. They wouldn't let me leave without a psych consult. I was so upset about that I cried through the whole thing. He prescribed me zoloft and made me agree to counseling. I'm breastfeeding, so I've been afraid to take the meds. My depression is really getting bad, though. I'm really impatient with my little one which is not normal for me. My suggestion is to get help now, don't wait. You don't want it to get worse like me. I'm really scared.

I take Zoloft and I made the LC at the hospital look up to prove to me it wouldn't effect BF, you can take it. Going back on it helped so much once we brought LO home. Like you guys I was very short tempered and too jumpy to get any sleep. Several times I considered running away just to escape everything. I still have bad days, but I am not nearly as bad as I was when LO was first home. You can always come here to vent!

jessyluscious77

lizzypoo96 said:

jessyluscious77 said:

I did the same thing when I was being discharged from the hospital back in August. They wouldn't let me leave without a psych consult. I was so upset about that I cried through the whole thing. He prescribed me zoloft and made me agree to counseling. I'm breastfeeding, so I've been afraid to take the meds. My depression is really getting bad, though. I'm really impatient with my little one which is not normal for me. My suggestion is to get help now, don't wait. You don't want it to get worse like me. I'm really scared.

I take Zoloft and I made the LC at the hospital look up to prove to me it wouldn't effect BF, you can take it. Going back on it helped so much once we brought LO home. Like you guys I was very short tempered and too jumpy to get any sleep. Several times I considered running away just to escape everything. I still have bad days, but I am not nearly as bad as I was when LO was first home. You can always come here to vent!

Thank you for this! I started taking the zoloft a few days ago. I know it's supposed to take a while to work but I'm already feeling better. I have been feeling so angry and short tempered all the time. I also felt like running away. A few times I've even thought about ending it all. I was crying every single day. The lack of sleep was not helping, of course. I'm hoping this is what I need to pull through this. I'm so glad the meds seem to be working for you!