STM - plans for children

Klaundry

Im really looking for some words of wisdom and advice from STM and beyond.

Our son will be 15 months at the time of our due date and was a c-section which has led my Drs to highly recommend a repeat section which after much consideration is what we decided on.

Our daycare arrangements have always been my dad and my mother in law splitting the time with him during the week and I was really hoping to have him home with me and DD for my whole leave (12 weeks) and that's been driving my MIL insane because she wants him still and tends to try sending me on a guilt trip by saying how much she'll miss him and how she really hopes she still gets to have him a day or so at least every other week and how I'm not going to want him at the house trying to take care of a newborn blah blah blah. My mom also just asked me if my dad would still be taking him every so often and seemed a little shocked when I said no and that the plan was to keep him home with me.

Well I just had a terrible realization and that is with a section I will have a weight lifting restriction of no more than the baby and I believe that was for 6 weeks with my son. So now I'm struggling thinking practically about how I probably can't have him home with me since I won't be able to lift him in and out of his high chair or his crib or wrestle him for diaper changes. I'm also now reading about how no matter what age gap between children it's still always an adjustment when a new baby is brought into the home and how it's best to keep the older child in their normal routine including daycare.

I so desperately want the time with him too while I'm off from work but I want to do what's best for the family. My biggest mental struggle is that I feel like if I am out of work and continue sending him to my dad and my MIL while I just mosey around at home with DD I'm not being a good mom to him. I'm so not the type of mom who frequently asks for help or gets a "sitter" just so I can have some time away so this is a huge struggle as I feel that's exactly what I'd be doing. What have other moms decided to do in similar situations and how did you mentally handle it?

rox7777

I'm at stay at home mom to my 2.5 year old son. He's never been to daycare or stayed more than 2 nights away from me. I'm having a c section this time due to complications and I've decided to send him to my mom's for 7 days to give me time to be in the hospital and recover.

I feel really bad about sending him away and him coming home to a new baby, but I know he'll be super excited about staying with my mom and that he'll get better attention and care while I'm recovering.

A baby already disrupts their routine a lot, so why not let him go to daycare. Maybe take him out for a week to spend time with you and baby after you're recovered? 12 weeks is a long time to be out and it will change his routine entirely, especially considering that he's still so young.

VexedMommy

I've not been in your situation, but I do believe your parents and in-laws are right that keeping some sort of structure and contact with them will help him.  Your DS will also want some time where he's the star and your father and mil will be able to give him that whereas it will be harder for you to do it since you'll be dealing with a newborn and medical limitations.

Imagine you're whole world is grandma's house, grandpa's house, your own house.  Your house suddenly has this noisy little invader taking up a ton of mommy and daddy's time AND you're not allowed to go see grandma and grandpa either.  It would be devastating imo. 

Elyse1384

Piggybacking on what @vexedmommy said, my DS goes to daycare 5x per week. I wanted him home with me the entire maternity leave, but daycare needs at least 1 day to hold his spot. They are happy to do one day, but highly recommend 2 so that his schedule isn't thrown off and he has a difficult time adjusting to 5 days with me and then 2 at daycare (a very structured routine/not with Mommy). I wasn't certain I bought it, but I've noticed when we do long weekends/vacations with him, he REALLY struggles that first day back at daycare. Other daycare moms I spoke too found the same issue going on leave and trying to do no daycare or 1 day. Maybe just do a day or two and see how it goes?

kittyberet

I second PPs structure will probably best for your son. If you want to spend more time with him you could reduce the days.

I'm a new SAHM, I used to bring DS with me to work FT. We're going to have visitors/2 adults minimum for probably the first 3 months after the twins are born. I figure him having a playmate while I'm busy with the twins would be the best thing for him.

Would you/your family be open to coming to your home 2 days a week? That may be the best compromise so you won't have to lift him but can still see him.

2octobermama

I work part time so don't send my daughter to the sitter more than 2-3 days per week, so not in the exact same situation as you. I'm still going to ask my sitter if she would take her 1 day per week. We have fun at home together, but there are other kids her age at the sitter and she loves it there. I feel like I'm doing it more for a break for her from the baby, than it being a break for me.

apritch88

Could they come to your house?

Seems like it would be awesome to have some extra help and still be able to be around him, and for him to be around new baby!

DD goes to daycare 5 days a week. She will be probably be staying home with us the first two weeks while DH is off work, but after that will be returning to daycare 2 days a week to hold her spot. 

I think this will not only be good for her- since they do school and it lets her socialize with other kids her age- it will be a nice break for me so I can be the best possible version of myself when she is around

lopezalonso

I totally understand your desire to be home with your big boy. I have been staying home with DD (18 months now) for three months and my days are so busy with just the two of us... and that's saying a lot because she is very easy. 

I know that I will want her around when I have the baby but I also know that I won't be able to give her the attention I do now because I'll have more responsibilities and I'll be exhausted. I don't want her to feel rejected or replaced so my mom and MIL are going to take turns taking her for a few hours a few days a week so that she can still be the star and then they'll watch the baby for a bit so that I can have one on one time with her. The beauty of this, at least for me and my DD, is that she gets to feel special and loved by multiple people and I get time to rest so that I can give her my best. I think you may want to keep at least one day a week for your MIL and another for your dad and if you find you're ok without it you can decrease the hours during your leave. If you need more, you know that they will be willing.

wedding crazed

This will be my 4th c section and kids are all less than 2 years apart. It never takes me a full 6 weeks to recover enough to care for the older ones. I do have my hubby home for a minimum of two weeks. While on meds you can't drive or anything so you will need help then.

poupoule

Agreed with PP, if your families could come help at your home it would be the best.

nbpa3027

Going from one kid to two is definitely an adjustment for everyone. I was much more tired the second time around because you cant always rest/sleep when the baby sleeps. And it is very stressful and emotional trying to meet the needs of both kids. If it were me, I would either send him to each parent at least one day a week or continue with the same days only shorter amount of time (just mornings or just afternoons). I would do this for a couple of weeks and then determine later on if you want to keep him with you, or send him with your dad and in laws for the remainder of your leave.

There is nothing that says it has to be all or nothing and it would probably be really good for your son to keep some one on one time with someone while everyone is adjusting to the new lifestyle with baby.

Another thing I might do closer to the end of my leave is work something out with the grandparents to maybe take the new baby one day for two or so hours(between feedings) so you can get some dedicated one on one time with your son.

krae771

I am keeping my 2 year old enrolled in full-time daycare during my leave. I felt a little guilty about it at first, but so far, every STM+ I know has told me to continue him in daycare and keep him on his routine. I have the option to keep him home w/ me whenever I want, but at least he has somewhere to go most days and I know I am going to need some time to recover and I want to be able to focus on the baby at first. I may need a C-section this time around and I don't think I could even handle him at home by myself at first.

mamavbs

VexedMommy said:

I've not been in your situation, but I do believe your parents and in-laws are right that keeping some sort of structure and contact with them will help him.  Your DS will also want some time where he's the star and your father and mil will be able to give him that whereas it will be harder for you to do it since you'll be dealing with a newborn and medical limitations.

Imagine you're whole world is grandma's house, grandpa's house, your own house.  Your house suddenly has this noisy little invader taking up a ton of mommy and daddy's time AND you're not allowed to go see grandma and grandpa either.  It would be devastating imo. 

This!
I understand completely why you want him home with you. I'm a stay at home mum these days (I wasn't always) and so I have two rugrats to consider this time. One is at pre school mon-thurs and the 2 year old is at home with me mainly but has a few activities like toddler group and ballet. My plan is for them to go to my parents house, they're allowed the first day off of whatever is planned, due to the thrill of being naughty at nanna's (blatantly chocolate for breakfast and don't tell mummy that I let you have 4 ice poles before dinner lol), but then the aim is to get them back to normal activities ASAP. I'm hoping to only be away from them for one night, but who knows with timings and if we need to stay longer for any reason. But once they're back home with us, my mum will be coming to pick them up for the first week to do the pre school run and take the 2 year old out.

It's difficult trying to get the balance of what's best for you, what's best for your child and what's best for the baby. Try and remember that if YOURE happy and feeling good, that will pass down to the children and they're less likely to feel the negative affects of change. When my 2 year old came along, my DS did play up but im pretty sure it was because I was tired and snappy and probably not as attentive as usual. If you can get the help and have some rest just you and the newborn, then when your DS gets back you're more likely to be able to give him that full attention.

You could possibly try to keep things the same for the first 4 weeks, take the help that's offered. And if you feel like you're not happy with the arrangement, cut down the days he goes away to them? Consistency really is key here, so you may make things more difficult when you then go back to work as that's more change.

Don't be so hard on yourself! You will hardly be pottering around the house. And the new baby deserves some one on one time with you too.

VexedMommy

mamavbs said:

And the new baby deserves some one on one time with you too.

You know, it's odd but I really hadn't thought of that.  I've been very busy worrying about how my girls will adjust to the new baby and making sure I'm still there for them.  I never thought to think that I gave 100% of my attention  to DD when she was first born and this little one will never be treated the same as an only/first child. . . . huh.  Food for thought. 

Klaundry

I can't thank you ladies enough for the advice and encouraging words! I do feel incredibly guilty having DS go off like normal while I am home but the more I hear from all of you, acquaintances and friends I think it will be best and only fair/reasonable to let him continue with what he is used to. I'm sure that after the first few weeks when I'm further on the recovery uphill that I might make special days where I pick him up early or have him stay home all day but he loves going and spending that time with his Papa and his Mammi - who's house usually has a cousin or two there also for him to play with. It will be tough but I think logically no one will benefit from throwing a wrench in his norm just to turn around after he readjusts to his "new routine" to go back to his old routine.