Sister had MC - when should I announce my pregnancy?

Knottie85404605

Hey Ladies,

Looking for advice from the group.
I am 11wks 2days and planned to wait until wk 13 to announce to my family and friends.

My sister told last week she was pregnant (4wks) and sadly she experienced a loss later that same week.

I was with her and know how upset upset is and I would hate to cause any more hurt feelings.

Should I wait longer to announce my news to give her time to process her experience? I'm excited to share but do not want to hurt her.

I think it would be best to tell her first, when we are alone so she can react however she needs to...

What do you all think would be best?

AEG84

I would absolutely tell her first. How you tell her is up to you - personally, I'd prefer to hear via text or email, so that I have time to process and cry by myself. But everyone is different, so someone else might prefer to be told in person. I don't think I would wait longer to announce, personally. If you were only 5 or 6 weeks, it would be a different story, but much longer and it might get tough to hide.

Knottie85404605

@aeg84 that is a good suggestion - to use email or text to give space for her to react then we can talk when she is ready. Thank you.

Meggs2559

I think it all depends on your relationship with your sister. I experienced a miscarriage in July and my sister was one of the first people I went to. Although she's not pregnant now, I would have wanted her to tell me face to face...but again that's just me and how our relationship is. As sad as her experience is, I'm sure she will still feel happiness for you as well.

sarahufl

Tell her first. I lost a pregnancy while my sister was pregnant (she was due Sept 8 and I was due Nov 16). I was sad for myself, but I was still really happy for my sister. In fact, her daughter (18 months old at the time) was pretty much the only thing that cheered me up for a couple weeks.

She lost 2 pregnancies in a row a couple years ago, so maybe she has a unique perspective on it, but she was super nice about it and I didn't resent it at all. 

Sorry to hear about your sister, it's tough.

Ready4theParty

I agree with pps. Tell her and if at all possible tell her to her face. She might not react the way you would want her to, and be prepared that she might not show her excitement with it being so fresh but she will come around.

Knottie85404605

Really appreciate everyone's advice. My sister and I are close but I am so nervous - not about her lack of excitement towards me, I just really don't want to hurt her. I'm going to wait until after my ultrasound appointment next week and find sometime for us to talk privately together.
Thank you all again.

sarahufl

Knottie85404605 said:

Really appreciate everyone's advice. My sister and I are close but I am so nervous - not about her lack of excitement towards me, I just really don't want to hurt her. I'm going to wait until after my ultrasound appointment next week and find sometime for us to talk privately together. Thank you all again.

Just chiming in again, because I see where you are coming from. My sister and I are twins and SUPER close. I wasn't HURT by her pregnancy. Sure, there were times when I wished I hadn't lost mine and we could do it together, but I knew her being pregnant didn't somehow mean she had personally taken that away from me or anything. I never once felt hurt or resentful, just pissed at my own body for screwing up.

What I will say, is make sure your family understands what they should and should not discuss with her in regards to your pregnancy. About a month after I lost mine, my stupid cousin got knocked up by a married man and was plastering crap all over facebook about it. My parents knew not to bring it up to me because I was pissed about it. Not that they would rub it in her face, but just make sure your pregnancy doesn't take over your family conversations for the next 9 months.

BrittnyS10

I think it would be best to tell her in person, and before telling others cuz it would hurt her even more if she heard your good news from someone else. My sister was 7 months pregnant when i miscarried, ill be honest, while she was a big part of my support system through all that, i had to somewhat distance myself from her for a while, i didnt hold it against her at all but it was very hard to see her pregnant and with her newborn knowing i would never get to hold mine. Be prepared to let her have some space if she needs it, but make sure she knows how much you care about her loss too.

kimey1

@Knottie85404605 I agree with people - telling her in person would be best. I think you should observe how she is doing and decide on the timing based on your relationship with her, and her healing progress (emotional & physical).
The roughest time for me was the first two months post-miscarriage. The 1st month went by getting over physical pain and anxiously waiting for my period to come back, then the depression hit me really hard the next month. I think it came from the emptiness I felt with the baby gone and feeling like it wasn't ok that my body was healing well when emotionally I was still so hurt. I was still very happy for my brother and friends who were pregnant but there were times when I couldn't respond to his ultrasound texts immediately. My friends were sensible and didnt send me any bump or ultrasound photos until they could tell I was doing much better.
I hope this helps.

If you want you could also ask people on the "TTC after a loss" board or the "Pregnant after a loss" board.

Goldsgirl9

I want to say thank you for this. As someone who has experienced multiple losses and within weeks was told all three of my sister in laws were pregnant.......thank you.

Only one of my sister in laws and brother were concerned about my feelings and it was quite obvious with how I was told by the other two and very painful.

I know you are in a very tough and sensitive position but your sister will appreciate your struggle on how to tell her and your caring so deeply for her feelings. Definitely tell her first so she has time to digest and like other posters stated, make sure conversations aren't centered around your pregnancy. One of my sister laws, the only one with any tact, will not speak about her pregnancy or baby unless I ask and there were days I really appreciated that.

I hope all goes well and even if not right away, your sister will come around. She will heal over time.

MT2015MT

Just whatever you do don't text a picture of your pee stick to her like my SIL did to me less than a week after my 11week loss.

Goldsgirl9

@MT2015MT ugh! I'm sorry. Two of mine were very similar to that. I wanted to throat punch each of them.....still kind of do.

rschenck14

Wow, I am impressed by your caring/loving attitude, as I know a lot of people might not be as sensitive.  I would definitely tell her in person and although I agree with others that she may not have the response you would expect so be prepared.  I am sure deep down she will be happy for you, but she probably will be mourning her own loss as well.  Wishing you the best with the conversation as I know it will not be easy.

sarahufl

I actually have to disagree with telling people in person. Any time I found out someone was pregnant for awhile, even if I was excited for them, I had a very emotional reaction. By telling her in person, it could make her uncomfortable about her potential reaction.

Just something to consider.

rebelone

I think it depends on how you've given her news in the past. Text? Email? Phone call? For my sister, she'd prefer a text and so would I.

elasticheart13

Although my situation is different, I went through something similar. My best friend has been trying to get pregnant for quite a while now and it's always been her biggest wish to become a mother. She was diagnosed with PCOS a few months ago and she started treatment not long ago and has been a hormonal mess and I was so worried about telling her about the pregnancy. I decided to tell her in person as I knew she would appreciate hearing it from me and not from our mutual friends. I felt the slight sadness in her reaction when I told her and I honestly can't blame her, but she was genuinely happy for me and wanted to hear all about it which was a huge relief. So perhaps telling her in person (depending on how close the two of you are) would be a better option

ashdawn24

I went through something like this, but on the other side. I had a second miscarriage at almost 14 weeks (due very beginning of May) and my sister was due in January. I have told her a couple weeks prior and we were very excited to be expecting so close together! When I miscarried I ended up in the hospital with massive hemorrhaging and it was very traumatic for me. In the end, my sister just came straight out and said to me that she was having a very hard time knowing what to say when she was on her 2nd very healthy pregnancy and I had just experienced my 2nd loss. She explained how excited she was that we would be due so close and how much it hurt. Even though I was mad and hurt and sad inside, it felt so much better just to know how she really felt. 

I think if you are honest with your sister, she will understand, even though she may be hurt and sad. She will appreciate the honesty and will still be excited for you, even though it may be bittersweet.