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Sad and happy today

jeannaqueenajeannaqueena member
in Pregnant after IF
I just need my moment. My one moment with those that get it and won't judge and no one IRL will see. My cousin is having her baby today. We were pregnant together. My 5th pregnancy was a surprise and my cousin and my due dates were one day apart. She just checked into the hospital to have her baby. I am so happy for her, she had a miscarriage so she knows my pain kinda, but not the IF trouble. I am right at 18 weeks where we lost our twins...its just a lot of emotions. I am so excited about this little girl growing in my belly and her gas bubble like kicks!

But today I can't help but wonder if I would have had that other baby yet...if she would have been a she like I thought.

Maybe if I put these words out there then they will get out of my head!
TTC#1: 14 months on our own (did HSG, b/w, SA);
BFP on Cycle 14--TWINS! Identical twin boys stillborn at 19wks(1/9/10)
3 break cycles; took clomid 50mg, BFP #2 Beta #1 35, Beta #2 338!!! Owen was born 2/11/11! 
TTC#2: 4 cycles on clomid: BFNs
BFP #3: Cycle #5 100mg clomid; beta #1 21; beta #2 6=CP 
Cycle #6 break cycle TTC no meds=BFN
Cycle #7: 150 clomid+ovidril+IUI=BFN (switched to RE)
Cycle #8: follistem+ovidril+TI=BFN
Cycle #9 Forced break due to cyst
Cycle #10 follistem+ovidril+TI=BFN
Cycle #11 follistem+ovidril+TI=BFN
Cycle#12 Forced break due to cyst, went on BCP; did repeat HSG, Saline U/S
Cycle #13 IVF: Follistim/Menapur ER 11-30 11 eggs, 5 mature, 4 fertilized and 3dt on 12-3; BFN
Cycle #14: IVF#2 lupron/follistim/menopur ER 1-22, 19 eggs, 14 fertilized, 5dt on 1-27, BFP!! beta 1: 63, beta 2: 119; EDD 10-15-13; 1 frozen embie
Miracle Surprise BFP, EDD 10-1-15; saw HB great Betas, 11weeks lost baby MC at home
Moved forward with FET transfered solo frostie on 6-4-15, beta 1: 315, beta 2: 738, u/s showed one baby on track EDD 2-21-16
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Re: Sad and happy today

  • Kelley421Kelley421 member
    edited September 2015
    I don't know if it's the hormones but I've got watery eyes reading this. I'm not sure if it ever gets any easier, remembering lost babes, or wondering what if.
    The initial milestones have been hard. Passing up what would've been the due dates, then thinking "gosh I would have a 6 month old now..."
    And now with current pregnancies, passing up the week marker of previous losses, the fear of another loss still not receding. I will not be comfortable until I hold my babies in my arms, maybe not even then!
    It is so difficult to be happy for someone and sad for yourself at once, to celebrate and mourn together.
    Thoughts and prayers with you today.

    Two years, two losses and three IUIs...

    We are having TRIPLETS!

    EDD 1/26/16

     GGB born November 2015!


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  • marniefmarnief member
    Sending you hugs and gentleness today...
    Me: 37 | DH: 38 | Married 9/2012, low AMH, high FSH
    First-ever BFP after IUI #4 (Follistim) - Baby Girl born (36w2d) 8/8/2014!
    TTC #2 since Feb 2015
    BFP 5/4/15
    Report Reply
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  • KidShrinkKidShrink member
    Sending you lots of hugs....I can't imagine how hard of an anniversary that is.
    Report Reply
  • fuzzbumblefuzzbumble member
    So many hugs. There is nothing easy about this process, and the pain certainly doesn't stop after one is pregnant.

    image

    June 19, 2010 - Miracle Baby Girl

    Round 2
    Since March 2013
    BFP April 2013 - Missed M/C July 2013 @ 12w6d
    BFP December 2013 - CP @ 4w3d
    Eight medicated cycles, three IUIs: FAIL
    IVF #1 Antagonist - January 2015: CP/FAIL

    IVF #2 April 2015: Microdose lupron Flare
    ICSI, CCS Freeze all
    6 blasts biopsied/5 normal

    FET #1 June 25, 2015 6AA and 5AA blast transfer
    BFP 3dp5dt!
    Beta 8dp5dt 195.2, 10dp5dt 474.8, 12dp5dt 977, 22dp5dt 25,580
    <3 Twins! Our boy and girl coming end of February!  <3

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  • jeannaqueenajeannaqueena member
    Thanks ladies. It is comforting reading your words. I feel better now that the baby is here and a person. I am so happy for my cousin and my house isnt ready for a newborn yet!! Trying to look on the bright side.

    @Kelley421 thank you! Your words really touched my heart and are exactly how I have felt many times over these past years.
    TTC#1: 14 months on our own (did HSG, b/w, SA);
    BFP on Cycle 14--TWINS! Identical twin boys stillborn at 19wks(1/9/10)
    3 break cycles; took clomid 50mg, BFP #2 Beta #1 35, Beta #2 338!!! Owen was born 2/11/11! 
    TTC#2: 4 cycles on clomid: BFNs
    BFP #3: Cycle #5 100mg clomid; beta #1 21; beta #2 6=CP 
    Cycle #6 break cycle TTC no meds=BFN
    Cycle #7: 150 clomid+ovidril+IUI=BFN (switched to RE)
    Cycle #8: follistem+ovidril+TI=BFN
    Cycle #9 Forced break due to cyst
    Cycle #10 follistem+ovidril+TI=BFN
    Cycle #11 follistem+ovidril+TI=BFN
    Cycle#12 Forced break due to cyst, went on BCP; did repeat HSG, Saline U/S
    Cycle #13 IVF: Follistim/Menapur ER 11-30 11 eggs, 5 mature, 4 fertilized and 3dt on 12-3; BFN
    Cycle #14: IVF#2 lupron/follistim/menopur ER 1-22, 19 eggs, 14 fertilized, 5dt on 1-27, BFP!! beta 1: 63, beta 2: 119; EDD 10-15-13; 1 frozen embie
    Miracle Surprise BFP, EDD 10-1-15; saw HB great Betas, 11weeks lost baby MC at home
    Moved forward with FET transfered solo frostie on 6-4-15, beta 1: 315, beta 2: 738, u/s showed one baby on track EDD 2-21-16
    Report Reply
  • Justone13Justone13 member
    That is such an incredibly hard thing to deal with. And such an emotional thing to go through. Sending you big hugs and thoughts your way.
    SIGGY WARNING//TICKER WARNING//PAIF

    Long of the Short:
     TTC since April 2013  DH 42 y/o I'm 30  Dh had vasectomy reversal Feb 2013 after 3 months developed scar tissue 
     First Re appt was September 2013 OOP for everything minus meds  
    DH's TESE surgery December 2013
    First cycle was February 2014 BFN none to freeze
     Second cycle was April 2014 BFP ending in Chemical Pregnancy none to freeze
     Third cycle June 2014 BFN none to freez
     Fourth cycle October 30th 28 retrieved, 13 mature and 12 fertilized
    PICSI, assisted hatching and fresh sperm from my DH's TESE surgery used
    5 FROZEN from a freeze all cycle! 
    FET completed on DECEMBER 9TH!!!
    Beta #1 13dp5dt BFP!! 800
    Beta #2 15dp5dt 2100
    Beta #3 17dp5dt 3600 
    First Scan January 5th! Everything looks great! Heart rate of 121!
    Second Scan January 20th. Baby Justone13 looks amazing. Heart rate of 175!
    Baby Girl is due August 27th
    Liv Annmarie born 8/25 7lbs 6oz 21 1/2 inches long 
    image 

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  • MelenaZMelenaZ member
    Hugs ur way!! My prayers are for you to be strong and enjoy ur moment. Ur precious gift inside of u now.
    Report Reply
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