Thanks for sharing your story @red3ye and for your kind words. I'm sorry you had such a hard time at first and am happy you found your way through the storm. You sound like a very strong, brave woman!
I feel like had I not been so shocked that I was a month further along than I thought, I would've been more "in love" at my 12 week sonogram. Once I came out of the Dr's office I felt myself holding my stomach a lot more. Knowing there's a living, breathing, being inside me, I couldn't help but just love it.
My child isn't even here yet,, I'm only 4month's and the love I feel for this child is uncondisional and I no soon as I've had him/her I know I will be in love for the rest of my life.. I'm so in love with my partner but the love for the child tops that. . Can't wait to become a mummy
I have moments of overwhelming love, and moments where it's still hard to comprehend there is a little soul in there. I feel protective at this point more than anything- and worried! It's a hard thing to really always wrap your head around.
I fell in love with my baby the first time I saw her heart fluttering on the first ultrasound. My love grows deeper every scan that I see her, and with every little kick I feel now at 23 weeks.
I fell in love when I saw the pee stick, no kidding. But to this day, I feel mega weird talking to my belly. I think we all struggle with different aspects of connecting with baby, but the important thing is that you WANT to fall in love with your baby, and it will happen for you! Could be when you find out gender, name it, feel it move, give birth, etc. You'll get there, don't be too hard on yourself!
It didn't happen for me until after the kid was born, and then it was a gradual thing that built. Some of it was watching her reach the gazillion mile stones they reach in the first few years and some of it was the constant newborn feedings and cuddles that make you feel a little like the only two people in the world. Honestly, I remember being mostly just terrified in the hospital. Part "WTF did I get into?" and part "She can't hold her head up? My hands aren't nearly large enough to support everything! I'm going to break her!"
It's ok to not feel much of a bond right now and it's ok to not cry in joy at your birth, and it's ok to bond over the first few weeks and years. It happens, and it happens more frequently than you can imagine.
And now that I think about it, I think a lot of it was interacting with her. (It's hard not to love somebody that smiles at you right after you go to get her up just because she's so thrilled to see you every single morning.) But it's very, very hard for me to bond without an actual interaction. To me, it feels like bonding with an idea of a person instead of the person herself, and I feel like I need to know who my baby's going to be before I can really bond emotionally. And probably the weirdest thing was that I was totally expecting a screamer who was hypersensitive to everything like I was as a baby, so it was almost harder to bond with a totally chill happy baby like her father was simply because I didn't see a lot of myself in her until she started developing her personality more.
So, yeah. It's totally ok to bond on your own schedule. It's going to happen eventually. I promise.
I didn't feel connected to this pregnancy till I found out at 16w that its a boy. I don't know what happened, but something clicked and now I just feel so in love! I was worried I would feel indifferent throughout the while pregnancy and even after the birth, but now I just can't wait till he's here! I'm also anxiously waiting to feel his first kicks too.
I am so glad I found this thread. I also have been having some disconnected feelings. Now that we are actually telling more friends that I am pregnant, I almost get an awkward and embarrassed feeling to talk about it. I think it weirds my husband out that I'm not giddy over it. I'm just over 13w, still not showing, haven't "felt" pregnant at all. And despite having a few US and hearing heartbeat, I still have this sense of a little "creature" lives in me, versus it being "my child". I really hope these feelings begin to change soon. We have decided to be team green, so I wonder if that I contributing to any of my strange feelings, or lack thereof...
I am so glad I found this thread. I also have been having some disconnected feelings. Now that we are actually telling more friends that I am pregnant, I almost get an awkward and embarrassed feeling to talk about it. I think it weirds my husband out that I'm not giddy over it.
I'm just over 13w, still not showing, haven't "felt" pregnant at all. And despite having a few US and hearing heartbeat, I still have this sense of a little "creature" lives in me, versus it being "my child". I really hope these feelings begin to change soon. We have decided to be team green, so I wonder if that I contributing to any of my strange feelings, or lack thereof...
Hi @ejled! I'm the one who originally posted this thread and I felt exactly like you obviously. My husband seemed to feel the same way towards me that I wasn't excited after our first few weeks of knowing we were pregnant. I didn't start to really get excited until we told both sets of parents but even still felt really disconnected and the whole thing felt really surreal for the first trimester.
I can tell you that since the original post I do feel much more connected if that helps you at all. For me personally it really helped that we found out the sex. We found out it was a BOY at 21 weeks and I think that on top of feeling the baby kicking all the time now has made it much more real. Seeing your stomach actually move is a sure fire way to say, "OK, that's my wild baby in there!" When I hold my stomach now I feel like I'm holding my child and a lot of the original disconnected feelings I had are fading away. It's a huge relief because I felt super guilty about it but I'm proof that it comes and all the other woman had great feedback too! You'll feel it soon enough and it's really awesome when it happens.
Thanks so much for your reply @MrsAguirre117. It certainly gives me some reassurance that my feelings will change. Hopefully with finally seeing a true baby bump, and eventually feeling some movement, maybe that will really register that this little babe is the real deal. Congrats on your baby boy! And GL with the rest of your pregnancy
It got much stronger after her birth. It was complete for me then. And then bonding, really bonding, took about a week and a half. So don't feel like you're doing anything wrong. It happens for everybody differently.
At about 14 weeks. We opted for an early scan at a boutique place to find out the sex -- I specifically wanted to know early BECAUSE I was having a really hard time feeling attached to/positive about this pregnancy. When I found out the sex, she got her name, and yup...I started falling in love.
Honestly thought it'd never happen... this was a planned pregnancy, but I've struggled a lot with it.
I think for me it's an ongoing process. I love my babies now and the thought of losing either of them is heartbreaking on a level I've not experienced. It wasn't always like that. I always feel that love in the scans or if I hear their heartbeat but sometimes I feel disconnected. Like PP said, it's like I'm in love with an idea rather than two little people.
I'm definitely protective and I do everything I can to help them grow well which doesn't ever go away but the love comes in waves, fits and starts. It will happen but it won't necessarily feel like a constant, overwhelming love all the time and that's ok.
I honestly didn't fall in love with DD until she was put in my arms after birth. I was lucky. I know a lot of moms who fight with depression or not feeling the bond with their baby as immediately as I did. Doesn't make them weird or wrong. Don't beat yourself up. There will be plenty of time for you to do things that will cause terrible guilt!
Been married since 2009. Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter) Several MCs DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
TBH, the moment I saw those two lines. This is our third baby, but first living child as we lost the first two. By the time she gets here it will be 2 and a 1/2 years since we first started trying and this is literally the only thing in life that I have ever known for sure I have wanted since I was very young. In general, I am a person that gets attached to others very easily. Everyone is different though. No need to feel guilty about it or put yourself on someone else's timeline. It will happen eventually.
Just reading through lots of boards obsessively and just want to say @PrimRoseMama you always have great comments, I like reading your posts.
To the original OP, don't stress you will love your baby. Care for yourself and your baby now and pp and everything else will happen in it's own time. Don't be afraid to talk to a doctor or therapist if you feel something is not right,
For me, my pregnancy didn't really feel real until after my anatomy scan, I saw the 3D image of her little face and got all choked up. I was a lot more aware of baby later in my pregnancy, and would talk to her when she was kicking me too hard, but it was hard to really visualize her as a baby. When she came out and was placed on my chest, I slowly fell in love during our "golden hour."
It can be normal even to take weeks after birth to fall in love with your baby. My friends' son was born 5 weeks early and they both felt very detached after the stress of his birth, and it took them a couple of weeks before they really felt like he was theirs. They are totally in love now, but those first couple of weeks were really tough.
I felt love for my baby as soon as I saw the positive sign. That love grew everyday until he was born and then it was something words cannot describe how much I loved my little person. Bonding was another story. I didn't feel like I started to bond with him until after 3-4 weeks. Those first weeks were the hardest and honestly I was just trying to survive the complete turn in my life on zero sleep. I felt like all I did was feed him, soothe and change poopy diapers. Anyone could do those things and with the lovely baby blues I didn't feel adequate to be the one chosen for the job when someone else could certainly do it better. Like my parents, SO's mom, the nice lady from Walmart...anyone besides me. When we finally fell into some sort of routine and normalcy and my hormones started to balance did I feel I had truly started to bond. If anyone here is ever worried about not loving/bonding with their baby just give it time. just do your best to survive the first few weeks, after the initial survival the love will happen.
I'm 27+ weeks and I am so in love with my baby. I think the moment I saw him on the first ultrasound I immediately fell in love. Knowing his sex and actually being able to call him by name makes it so much more real.
I started getting attached to ds while he was in the womb but didn't actually bond until weeks after he was born. I tend to tell people that the first 6 weeks with ds were absolutely awful. With these, I care for them already, more than I remember feeling for ds at this point, but I really just hope I love them when I hold them and that I do not have to wait so long for the love.
I already love my baby but am definitely struggling with some gender disappointment over having a boy. And then today I went to my anatomy scan and saw his perfect little heart and his teeny tiny fingers and toes and just felt that overwhelming love that I've been struggling to feel since our gender scan. Super excited for our little man now.
I already love my baby but am definitely struggling with some gender disappointment over having a boy. And then today I went to my anatomy scan and saw his perfect little heart and his teeny tiny fingers and toes and just felt that overwhelming love that I've been struggling to feel since our gender scan. Super excited for our little man now.
I have to confess.....at my 20 week anatomy scan when we learned it was a boy I literally turned to my husband, sighed, and said "okay, it's a boy...I'll be excited in a little bit." Yes, I wanted a girl....I can't deny that. But moments later just sitting there watching him, and having an actual name to associate with him, I fell in love. I can't imagine if he were actually a girl now....I so love him!!!
@ashleyrobertson0113 and @fourtsixand2 I was feeling guilty because have basically convinced myself that I'm having a boy for this reason. I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling a little more desire to have a girl than I think I should. As much as I completely believe that I will have the kids I am meant to have, I can't help wanting it to be a girl. We shall see in about two weeks. I do kind of have a "feeling" it's a boy...all those little girl clothes are just so cute though!
I'm going to be the odd one out and say I don't know if I love this baby yet. I honestly feel rather disconnected still. I obviously care about it but guess I don't have the warm fizzles and I'm 16 weeks
Lindsayleigh1989- I feel the same way! I figure it has to do with being sick the first semester and not seeing a baby belly yet (much). Maybe feeling movement will improve things?
I'm 23 weeks pregnant now and it happened for me about a week and a half to two weeks ago. I always get giddy when seeing her on the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat. However, I didn't feel a maternal or emotional loving connection with her until one night I had a dream I went into labor and delivered this baby in the lobby of a hospital. I breastfed and talked to her. We spent time together and I got to know "my child" in this dream. When I woke up it was like something kicked in. All of the sudden I felt like there was something more real about her. I still don't have a face or personality to know but somehow I feel a bond with her. In the last 3 days I've felt her kick me constantly and roll around and it just makes me love her more each time.
I loved DD all throughout my pregnancy but it took about a week or two after she was born to really fall in love with her. Don't feel bad if you aren't absolutely in love with your baby. It's different for everyone and it'll come.
@Lindsayleigh1989 with my first pregnancy I don't think I "loved" my DD until she was almost 6 months old. I've always wanted to be a mom and I didn't have depression, I just needed to get to know her first I guess. I was always so interested to know how she was growing when I was pregnant. I found the scans fascinating, I liked feeling her move. I just wasn't mushy about it. When she was born, I was obsessed - I would watch her all the time, I wanted to take care of her and make her happy. I kind of differentiate between loving her in my head (since day one) and loving her in my heart. Not something I share with most moms I meet since it seems to be unusual. But it's my truth.
I completely freaked out when I found out I was pregnant. We were TTC but only for a month. I had taken 3 neg tests so wasn't expecting it, took the last test as a "what the hell". I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks and was thrilled, but don't think I'd say head over heels in love with her yet. Maybe once I heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks?
But I think for sure, without a doubt at 16 weeks when we saw her on the 3D ultrasound and found it she is a girl! It just made everything seem so much more real instead of this abstract thought. I'm so totally in love with her now, I love feeling her move, love watching my body change and adapt, even though the back/side pain kills, it means she's growing and is healthy!
I try not to be too rainbows and unicorns these days, but I love this thread so much and hearing everyone's warm gooey baby feelings. Caution unicorn farts and sunshine ahead:
I loved this baby before we were pregnant. When we decided to start TTC, I wrote this baby a love letter that I plan to give it someday. We also bought baby books and inscribed them with love letters from both DH and I (he's a pretty sentimental sappy guy deep down himself). It's gross and sappy but I've thought of our babe as a soul waiting to come into our lives since we first had the conversation deciding we were ready. When I got my two lines I shouted at DH that we were pregnant and I kept saying to the blob of dividing cells "I can't believe you're here!" I think of Seamonkey as a small autonomous person who I have to share my body with. Seamonkey is a person/ soul/ being in my mind and we both live in this body which is our shell/ house. You had fair warning about the unicorn farts, but I love my little hairy bulbous Seamonkey so much it's stupid. Also don't tell actual parents this because they'll probably give me the ultimate eye-roll, but I've considered DH and I parents since we had that first conversation too. (Technically writing stuff in baby books doesn't make you parents I know, but IDC I'm going to live in magic sunshine land with this one and no one can stop me!)
ETA: I think all feelings with regards to your body/baby are valid. This is not to try to invalidate anyone else's experience. I just love gooey love fests and wanted to share. I'm sure all moms are doing the best they can and loving their LO's in their own time and in their own way.
My first was born at the end of Oct, and I didn't fall absolutely in love/bonded until mid-Feb. I was not one of those puppies and rainbows type of person like @noelietrex described....lol! Our baby was planned, and although I thought it was awesome and I was protective after seeing all of the ultrasounds, I had a hard time after she was born. I had a rough c-section, and that felt like it happened to someone else because I didn't see her actually being born....so to me, it wasn't really "real". We didn't get any skin-to-skin, I went into it thinking that I was going to breastfeed and ended up not. Even though I was fine with my decision to EP, my mom was not, and would not only make snide comments about it behind my back to other family members, but she would make them within earshot. Having a newborn that would scream from 10pm-2am, not sleeping, pumping every two hours (on top of also being up to feed her), and not having a lot of support from my family....was hard, and took a toll. I ended up with mild PPD and PPA (which doctors rarely talk about). I still felt protective of her, and would do anything for her, but it was hard. When we finally got everything situated with her nightly screaming, we were getting more sleep, I had recovered fully from my c-section (I was on 12 weeks restriction instead of 6 weeks), and she was getting a little personality....was when things got better. I remember sitting in her room on night, in the middle of the night, mid-Feb....looking down at her and thinking "OMG.....this is my baby...." and feeling all the feels.
It definitely took much longer to bond with her, than I ever anticipated.
I just thought I'd come back and say that since DH has been able to feel the babies move and I can really feel the kicks (sometimes they physically and emotionally take my breath away! I've got some gymnasts in there!) the love is flooding in. For me, it's almost like a switch is being gradually flicked from "independent woman with my own life" to "mother". Weird but my thought patterns and priorities are changing. I blame hormones
I'm 20 weeks right now and I can assure you that I'm feeling the same feelings you are. You're not alone. I like my baby and I'm excited to have him or her, but I wouldn't say I'm in love with my baby just yet. I think it takes a while for some mothers. I love my fiancé and I love that I get to start a life with him with our baby but I'm just having trouble loving someone who is almost barely existent at the moment. I'm hoping when I see my next ultrasound or after I give birth I'll feel that connection and unconditional love for my baby, but right now it's just excitement.
Re: When did you fall in love with your baby?
I'm so in love with my partner but the love for the child tops that. . Can't wait to become a mummy
It's ok to not feel much of a bond right now and it's ok to not cry in joy at your birth, and it's ok to bond over the first few weeks and years. It happens, and it happens more frequently than you can imagine.
And now that I think about it, I think a lot of it was interacting with her. (It's hard not to love somebody that smiles at you right after you go to get her up just because she's so thrilled to see you every single morning.) But it's very, very hard for me to bond without an actual interaction. To me, it feels like bonding with an idea of a person instead of the person herself, and I feel like I need to know who my baby's going to be before I can really bond emotionally. And probably the weirdest thing was that I was totally expecting a screamer who was hypersensitive to everything like I was as a baby, so it was almost harder to bond with a totally chill happy baby like her father was simply because I didn't see a lot of myself in her until she started developing her personality more.
So, yeah. It's totally ok to bond on your own schedule. It's going to happen eventually. I promise.
I'm just over 13w, still not showing, haven't "felt" pregnant at all. And despite having a few US and hearing heartbeat, I still have this sense of a little "creature" lives in me, versus it being "my child". I really hope these feelings begin to change soon. We have decided to be team green, so I wonder if that I contributing to any of my strange feelings, or lack thereof...
Hi @ejled! I'm the one who originally posted this thread and I felt exactly like you obviously. My husband seemed to feel the same way towards me that I wasn't excited after our first few weeks of knowing we were pregnant. I didn't start to really get excited until we told both sets of parents but even still felt really disconnected and the whole thing felt really surreal for the first trimester.
I can tell you that since the original post I do feel much more connected if that helps you at all. For me personally it really helped that we found out the sex. We found out it was a BOY at 21 weeks and I think that on top of feeling the baby kicking all the time now has made it much more real. Seeing your stomach actually move is a sure fire way to say, "OK, that's my wild baby in there!" When I hold my stomach now I feel like I'm holding my child and a lot of the original disconnected feelings I had are fading away. It's a huge relief because I felt super guilty about it but I'm proof that it comes and all the other woman had great feedback too! You'll feel it soon enough and it's really awesome when it happens.
It got much stronger after her birth. It was complete for me then. And then bonding, really bonding, took about a week and a half. So don't feel like you're doing anything wrong. It happens for everybody differently.
Honestly thought it'd never happen... this was a planned pregnancy, but I've struggled a lot with it.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
I'm definitely protective and I do everything I can to help them grow well which doesn't ever go away but the love comes in waves, fits and starts. It will happen but it won't necessarily feel like a constant, overwhelming love all the time and that's ok.
Expecting Double Trouble, April 2016
Been married since 2009.
Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
Several MCs
DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
BFP #2: 10/8/14, EDD: 6/22/15, MC: 11/13/14 (D&C)
To the original OP, don't stress you will love your baby. Care for yourself and your baby now and pp and everything else will happen in it's own time. Don't be afraid to talk to a doctor or therapist if you feel something is not right,
It can be normal even to take weeks after birth to fall in love with your baby. My friends' son was born 5 weeks early and they both felt very detached after the stress of his birth, and it took them a couple of weeks before they really felt like he was theirs. They are totally in love now, but those first couple of weeks were really tough.
Bonding was another story. I didn't feel like I started to bond with him until after 3-4 weeks. Those first weeks were the hardest and honestly I was just trying to survive the complete turn in my life on zero sleep. I felt like all I did was feed him, soothe and change poopy diapers. Anyone could do those things and with the lovely baby blues I didn't feel adequate to be the one chosen for the job when someone else could certainly do it better. Like my parents, SO's mom, the nice lady from Walmart...anyone besides me. When we finally fell into some sort of routine and normalcy and my hormones started to balance did I feel I had truly started to bond.
If anyone here is ever worried about not loving/bonding with their baby just give it time. just do your best to survive the first few weeks, after the initial survival the love will happen.
*Lurker from D15
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
I can't imagine if he were actually a girl now....I so love him!!!
I always get giddy when seeing her on the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat. However, I didn't feel a maternal or emotional loving connection with her until one night I had a dream I went into labor and delivered this baby in the lobby of a hospital. I breastfed and talked to her. We spent time together and I got to know "my child" in this dream. When I woke up it was like something kicked in.
All of the sudden I felt like there was something more real about her. I still don't have a face or personality to know but somehow I feel a bond with her.
In the last 3 days I've felt her kick me constantly and roll around and it just makes me love her more each time.
I was always so interested to know how she was growing when I was pregnant. I found the scans fascinating, I liked feeling her move. I just wasn't mushy about it. When she was born, I was obsessed - I would watch her all the time, I wanted to take care of her and make her happy. I kind of differentiate between loving her in my head (since day one) and loving her in my heart. Not something I share with most moms I meet since it seems to be unusual. But it's my truth.
But I think for sure, without a doubt at 16 weeks when we saw her on the 3D ultrasound and found it she is a girl! It just made everything seem so much more real instead of this abstract thought. I'm so totally in love with her now, I love feeling her move, love watching my body change and adapt, even though the back/side pain kills, it means she's growing and is healthy!
I loved this baby before we were pregnant. When we decided to start TTC, I wrote this baby a love letter that I plan to give it someday. We also bought baby books and inscribed them with love letters from both DH and I (he's a pretty sentimental sappy guy deep down himself). It's gross and sappy but I've thought of our babe as a soul waiting to come into our lives since we first had the conversation deciding we were ready. When I got my two lines I shouted at DH that we were pregnant and I kept saying to the blob of dividing cells "I can't believe you're here!" I think of Seamonkey as a small autonomous person who I have to share my body with. Seamonkey is a person/ soul/ being in my mind and we both live in this body which is our shell/ house. You had fair warning about the unicorn farts, but I love my little hairy bulbous Seamonkey so much it's stupid. Also don't tell actual parents this because they'll probably give me the ultimate eye-roll, but I've considered DH and I parents since we had that first conversation too. (Technically writing stuff in baby books doesn't make you parents I know, but IDC I'm going to live in magic sunshine land with this one and no one can stop me!)
ETA: I think all feelings with regards to your body/baby are valid. This is not to try to invalidate anyone else's experience. I just love gooey love fests and wanted to share. I'm sure all moms are doing the best they can and loving their LO's in their own time and in their own way.
It definitely took much longer to bond with her, than I ever anticipated.
Expecting Double Trouble, April 2016