Throwing Myself a Little Pity Party

cookies754

DH and I just had a TTC timeline conversation that did not end well. Baby fever has been hitting me hard lately and I thought we could move up our timeline. Surprise for me, DH is adamant that we don't try start trying right now. It's for good reasons, (saving more money) but a part of me felt that he would feel differently since we've been checking things off our list. I've told him there's no perfect time to have a baby and the dramatic side of me feels like he's never going to say he wants to start trying. Ultimately I know we need to wait until we are both on board. Anyone else go through this and have advice? End of my pity party. :-/

RachelT1234

H and I went through something similar, but in the reverse; I wasn't ready when he was. We got through it by both being as honest as possible about our timeline and what we needed to accomplish before moving forward. I also became ready after doing a lot of reading and becoming more knowledgeable about the whole process.

blackgirlmagic

My husband and I kinda went through the same thing. When we got married, three years ago, I wanted to have kids. But we talked and said that we would start having kids when we were close to 27. We got married at 22. We wanted to make sure that our careers were in order, we had a family home, and little debt with a good savings. And of course he didn't want to have kids yet. Over the last year and a half my baby fever was being more and more noticeable and then he came to me and said that we could move up our deadline to 26. We then said that we would start trying at the end of this year, then we moved it to September and actually started TTC in July. What I am trying to say is that this decision has to have both of you on the same page. We do not have our "family home" and other than our student loans and car we don't have too much debt that we cannot get rid of before the LO is actually here. I waited three years for this moment because I wanted my husband on board so that he could/would be 100% supportive through all of the hurdles of TTC and pregnancy itself. Trust me there will be times in the TTC where you just cry all day, I did last week, just because I didn't O on the same CD that I did the last two cycles. I had a little putty party last month because I was certain it was our time and I got a BFN and then my period came. And he was 100% supportive because even though he is not physically going there this, he also wants a baby. Give it some time and talk it out with your husband. Maybe you all can compromise on something to start trying sooner.

bmo88

cookies754: I feel ya! But I am actually the one imposing the "longer wait" for financial reason. My DH is good to go whenever, but I just started a new job this year and we want to pay off all our debt before a child arrives. We talked through everything, set some goals and then agreed on a time that works for both of us. So we did move up our timeline by 4 months, but are still waiting until next Fall. 

It's ok to have pity parties (I do sometimes, lol). Just make sure they don't negatively affect your relationship. If you start becoming grumpy about the TTC topic, it may cause your DH to want to wait even longer.

It's sooooo hard to wait when baby fever kicks in, but just think how much better prepared you will be when it does happen!

jenfarm3

RachelT1234 said:

H and I went through something similar, but in the reverse; I wasn't ready when he was. We got through it by both being as honest as possible about our timeline and what we needed to accomplish before moving forward. I also became ready after doing a lot of reading and becoming more knowledgeable about the whole process.

This. Totally sounds like DH and I. I've always been one to take my time with things until I feel sure footed. I recently just started reading TCOYF and learning so much that I didn't know. I feel like the more knowledge I have of everything makes me feel like I have at least a little control over something that is already so much out of your control in so many ways. It's just how my brain works. I'm finding that the more I learn and the more knowledgeable I get about the process and all that makes my baby fever amp up. By the time April gets here, I'm gonna be so ready to start TTC. Haha.

Lysta85

I've been waiting for 5 years for my SO to give in. First he wanted to be at least 30. Finally his 30's birthday two years ago, he still didn't wanted too and our finances were good, but not what we wanted. Been working on that and last year he proposed. AND didn't wanted a child before our marriage. So again waiting for me. So in august I knew for sure he couldn't have any excuses (and I've been home for 4 weeks while he was working so imagine the baby fever  ). So I asked if we could start TTC after our wedding. He said no again. Been crying, eating chocolate, hardly talked to him. The day after he asked if something was wrong. I could have strangled him. So I told him how disappointed I was after getting my hopes up. He just said that he wanted to start TTC but not right away when we got married. I asked him why not since it probably won't happen right away and could take up a year. In my case he gave in (also had to promise him we aren't gonna make it completely scientific). He also said he's scared for finding out he can't get kids or not being a good dad. If my SO still didn't wanted to start TTC when we get married, then I had to accept that. It still takes two. 

The only advice I can give is to give it some time and talk about it again. Do you also agree about his reasons for not changing the timeline?

emmaaa

I would have kids like yesterday if DH was ready. But we both decided we wanted to wait until we had been married a year. We are both young so I know we can wait but baby fever has hit me hard!

cookies754

Lysta85 said:

I've been waiting for 5 years for my SO to give in. First he wanted to be at least 30. Finally his 30's birthday two years ago, he still didn't wanted too and our finances were good, but not what we wanted. Been working on that and last year he proposed. AND didn't wanted a child before our marriage. So again waiting for me. So in august I knew for sure he couldn't have any excuses (and I've been home for 4 weeks while he was working so imagine the baby fever  ). So I asked if we could start TTC after our wedding. He said no again. Been crying, eating chocolate, hardly talked to him. The day after he asked if something was wrong. I could have strangled him. So I told him how disappointed I was after getting my hopes up. He just said that he wanted to start TTC but not right away when we got married. I asked him why not since it probably won't happen right away and could take up a year. In my case he gave in (also had to promise him we aren't gonna make it completely scientific). He also said he's scared for finding out he can't get kids or not being a good dad. If my SO still didn't wanted to start TTC when we get married, then I had to accept that. It still takes two. 

The only advice I can give is to give it some time and talk about it again. Do you also agree about his reasons for not changing the timeline?

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I definitely understand where he is coming from. I feel that we're at a point where we can manage to get by financially but he would like more of a cushion. I'm feeling better from last night... still disappointed but not as sad as I felt last night. In the long run it will be better for us to be even more financially stable. I just hope he doesn't keep finding reasons to put off TTC.

Ps I don't know how to get out of this quote box!

Lysta85

More people have trouble with the quote box. Glad your feeling better. I think a lot of men can keep finding reasons to put off TTC if they want too.But you already have a timeline so I wouldn't worry that much. When I used to bring it up I wouldn't get passed "somewhere in the future". Just keep talking about it from time to time and see if your still thinking the same.

Chichigo

It took my husband so long to be ready the first time, I told him we needed to reevaluate our entire relationship because if he wasn't willing to have children, I needed to find someone who shared my goals. He still put it off for a few months until the death of a close friend reminded him life can be fragile.