Mother in law and "my baby"

AY218

I'm hoping someone may have some advice?! My mother in law keeps calling my child "her baby" and offering unnecessary advice (as in, "oh you're at the grocery store? You better be buying healthy food. I want my baby to be healthy." Or, at any mention of me missing coffee an "oh you better not even think about it! No caffeine for my baby!") I'm on my last leg... This is my first child and she only refers to the baby as "her baby" to me, so there's no room for my husband to interject. I know the answer here is boundaries...But how?? If I ask her to stop, she will pout, cause a scene and for the next 20 years make sly cements about how "she wouldn't know, it's not HER baby.". My husband thinks she is just excited (and lonely) but I seriously feel like I am ready to snap! Anyone navigate this before??

MyCousinVinny

While I can totally understand your frustration, I think your husband is right.  I'm sure she doesn't really think the baby is hers but is overly excited about the new arrival.

Personally, I'd let this one go.  If she starts to overstep her boundaries in other ways, then I would have your husband address it.

ETA I know how annoying it can be.  I really do.  You aren't wrong to feel that way.

Bigboobsmcgee

I mean this in the nicest way possible but I will never understand why this stuff bothers people. I notice it the most with first time parents. Family, especially grandparents, go NUTS when a grandbaby is coming because it's exciting. THAT'S A GOOD THING! So what if she refers to the baby as hers?? You know that's not the case so cut her some slack.

Your MIL is excited for a baby. YOU have the power to end this if you really want to by putting your foot down. If it bothers you that much then do something about it. I personally think you need to let it roll off your back.

Snoflakes4eva

I am bit more confrontational than others but if she is being passive aggressive with you, I would call her on it.

I don't think its a big deal that she calls the baby "her baby." What concerns me, is that she seems to think its okay to pout and throw temper tantrums. Next time it happens, your H should address it.

kynbar5

I don't see why women make a big deal about this. A baby is exciting. She's obviously excited. I'd much rather have a MIL that was very excited about the baby that the opposite. My MIL is like this but it comes from a very happy, loving place. I'd just get over it.

flowerpower5838

I absolutely understand what you're talking about. It's all of the things building that make the "my baby" thing seem like an even bigger deal than it is. I would find it odd if my mom or MIL told me not have any caffeine or tried to influence what I am eating. FYI, you can safely have some caffeine during pregnancy (certain health conditions permitting, obviously) so you might want to tell MIL that the next time you're craving a PSL.

This is our first, but my MIL makes this clacking noise to all of the babies in our family (there have been many - 5 in the past 4 years, 10 grandkids total) that reminds me of a noise you would make at an animal at the zoo to make them pay attention to you. It drives me NUTS and I have vowed she will not make that animal calling noise at any child of MINE! I mentioned this is DH ages ago and he gave me a look like I was crazy. And of course I realized I was overreacting a bit. If this is the thing that annoys me most about MIL then I guess I am pretty lucky.

ETA: I will not be requesting my MIL to not make those noises no matter how much it urks me.

Bigboobsmcgee

kynbar5 said:

I don't see why women make a big deal about this. A baby is exciting. She's obviously excited. I'd much rather have a MIL that was very excited about the baby that the opposite. My MIL is like this but it comes from a very happy, loving place. I'd just get over it.

EXACTLY!

And the whole "my baby" thing wouldn't bother me at all because it's clearly NOT her baby.

Bigboobsmcgee

Snoflakes4eva said:

I am bit more confrontational than others but if she is being passive aggressive with you, I would call her on it.

I don't think its a big deal that she calls the baby "her baby." What concerns me, is that she seems to think its okay to pout and throw temper tantrums. Next time it happens, your H should address it.

She's an adult and you can't control this so I would simply walk away. I'm up front too and if something really bothered me I would say something to that person.

cMichelle0423

Better get used to it now. Mother in laws like this tend to get worse after the baby is born.

Puckettxx

My ex mother in law still does this and my son is almost 6 ... It drives me crazy, but I go along with it.. Well most of the time.. Lol.

SummerFall03

My IL's do this all of the time. It pisses me off, but in the end it is MY child with my husband.

callen10210

I'm really close with my mom so this might not work with the ol MIL but when she started doing this i corrected every time. Grandbaby grandbaby grandbaby she got the picture without me having to be mean. If it had been my MIL i probably would have told her...I understand you are excited about having a grandchild but please quit referring to my baby as yours. You had your babies this little one is mine please be excited about being a grandmother. People are right it probably does get worse after baby is born which means you should try and establish boundaries now.

MrsBroughton15

I don't think it's a big deal, at least it isn't to me. My mom, MIL, sisters & best friend all call BB "their baby" and I just love that my baby is so loved already. :-) 

KateLouise

The telling me what to do would bug me more than the "my baby" thing would.

If someone was telling me to eat healthy or no caffeine I'd be inclined to say, "I'll eat what I want thanks." and if I was feeling mean I might add something like, "Ooo now you've made me want ice-cream, and chocolate, yum," and hang up. But I'm a bit passive-aggressive like that, so that's not necessarily very grown-up.

Latina211508

It would personally just annoy the hell out of me. I wouldn't like someone saying that. I would honestly tell her it's not her baby, don't tell me what I may eat or drink etc etc. If it really bothers you say something to her but obviously nicer. If she pouts then that's on her. She shouldn't be acting that way.

mamacastro

I have one of these MILs and like pp said it can get worse after baby is born; however, with that being said it is her grandchild and so she will always be in his life. For the sake of your child you will have to get along and sometimes hold your tongue. In this situation you will have to choose your battles and while at the moment it may seem so aggravating to you later on it might just go away or seem so trivial. Just brush it off and focus on YOUR baby cause it is 100%

kabnpauj

It doesn't bother me at all. I call my nieces and nephews my babies. My sister and inlaws call my baby their baby.

ecwk

I guess I have an UO here! It would drive me absolutely bananas if anyone else told me what to eat/buy/drink etc. I would gladly accept advice if I asked for it but if someone tried to micromanage my pregnancy, there would be words!
But it wouldn't bother me if she called my baby "her baby". I actually think that's kind of cute!

paytonpedro

My MIL is the same exact way and I get where you're coming from and why it bothers you, because it bothers me too. Not only that, but she has a whole list of names picked out for if its a girl (we won't know until tomorrow). All of them are NMS and I keep telling her no, so she keeps looking for more. I have asked H to talk to her, and he says he does, but still nothing changes. I love her, but it can be a little annoying especially because this is my first and it MY baby! Lol. She's throwing my baby shower and I have zero say. Any time I suggest something or go "oh I'd like to do this" she goes "well how about we do it this way". It's so nice of her, and I'm pretty soft, but it can definitely be annoying because it's my first pregnancy and I want things MY way!

I guess as someone going through it it is easier said than done, but maybe talk to her with H and let her know how your feeling about everything. I think this is my next step anyways. I come across very snippy sometimes, so that will be my biggest obstacle.

Good luck!

Eta to add that this morning she told me I'm looking pregnant (which I already know I do, thanks). She asked me why some days I look pregnant and some days not as much. Well lady it's called bloat, but thank you so much for making me feel self conscience. Ugh.

kynbar5

paytonpedro said:

My MIL is the same exact way and I get where you're coming from and why it bothers you, because it bothers me too. Not only that, but she has a whole list of names picked out for if its a girl (we won't know until tomorrow). All of them are NMS and I keep telling her no, so she keeps looking for more. I have asked H to talk to her, and he says he does, but still nothing changes. I love her, but it can be a little annoying especially because this is my first and it MY baby! Lol. She's throwing my baby shower and I have zero say. Any time I suggest something or go "oh I'd like to do this" she goes "well how about we do it this way". It's so nice of her, and I'm pretty soft, but it can definitely be annoying because it's my first pregnancy and I want things MY way!

I guess as someone going through it it is easier said than done, but maybe talk to her with H and let her know how your feeling about everything. I think this is my next step anyways. I come across very snippy sometimes, so that will be my biggest obstacle.

Good luck!

Eta to add that this morning she told me I'm looking pregnant (which I already know I do, thanks). She asked me why some days I look pregnant and some days not as much. Well lady it's called bloat, but thank you so much for making me feel self conscience. Ugh.

The name thing- she's obviously trying to be helpful.
The baby shower- she's throwing it, not you. The mother isn't suppose to have a say in the shower. A shower is a privilege not a requirement. Just be thankful you get one at all.
Your mil actually sounds like a nice woman so hopefully you can get over your problem.

kynbar5

Most of you are on here complaining because your mil obviously wants to be involved and possibly trying to be helpful in their own way. How about you come back and complain when your mil hates you and wants absolutely nothing to do with the baby. That would be something to complain about.
ETA- I love my mil. She can seem overbearing but I know she does things from the heart so I just remember to be thankful for that. I wouldn't trade her for anyone.

ecwk

paytonpedro said:

My MIL is the same exact way and I get where you're coming from and why it bothers you, because it bothers me too. Not only that, but she has a whole list of names picked out for if its a girl (we won't know until tomorrow). All of them are NMS and I keep telling her no, so she keeps looking for more. I have asked H to talk to her, and he says he does, but still nothing changes. I love her, but it can be a little annoying especially because this is my first and it MY baby! Lol. She's throwing my baby shower and I have zero say. Any time I suggest something or go "oh I'd like to do this" she goes "well how about we do it this way". It's so nice of her, and I'm pretty soft, but it can definitely be annoying because it's my first pregnancy and I want things MY way!

I guess as someone going through it it is easier said than done, but maybe talk to her with H and let her know how your feeling about everything. I think this is my next step anyways. I come across very snippy sometimes, so that will be my biggest obstacle.

Good luck!

Eta to add that this morning she told me I'm looking pregnant (which I already know I do, thanks). She asked me why some days I look pregnant and some days not as much. Well lady it's called bloat, but thank you so much for making me feel self conscience. Ugh.

I don't think the name thing would bother me because the choice is yours at the end of the day and she can like it or lump it.
Re baby shower: it is a gift to you and you don't really have a say. If she's planning/organizing/paying then it's obviously her call on all details.

Disneygeek77

If your MIL keeps telling you what you can and can not do, just say you talked to your Dr about it and the Dr is ok with you having coffee, etc.

paytonpedro

@kynbar5 & @ecwk ordinarily I would totally agree with you about a baby shower but when your asked what you want and your opinion and then told by the person asking that they have a better idea or are going to do it different anyways, it begins to get a little frustrated. She is great and I love her but it's starting to get to me.

On the name topic, I'm not naming my child (if it's a girl):
Mariska
Talulah
Patchouli
Or any other weird name like that. She knows it's NMS and that obviously it's my choice, but she lives downstairs from me so every single day she tries to urge me on one of them. It's getting old. Those names are on the opposite side of the spectrum from what I would pick for MY child IF it's even a girl! Lol

Fwiw I don't mean to sound bratty, or unappreciative, because I'm not at all. This is probably pregnancy hormones because I have such a short temper! Lol

SaltyMcNulty

OP, if the world created a hybrid of my own mother and MIL, it sounds like she'd be YOUR MIL! I can absolutely sympathize with you.

Both grandmas did this with my first pregnancy (referred to said baby as "their" baby, tried to tell me what to eat, drink, activities to engage/not engage in), and yes, it only got worse after DS was born (as in, MIL told DH I was "hogging" DS as I was EBFing him....hoookay crazy lady) and with pregnancy number 2, MIL has informed us that we had better be having a girl because she's done with boys (she has three boys and her sisters all have daughters, she always wanted a daughter).

A PP suggested just correcting over and over to "your grandbaby" as a non-confrontational way to approach the "my baby" thing. As for the unsolicited nutritional advice, I'd try just sucking it up and smiling. If it gets really bad/irritating, I'd go with "Thanks for the advice." And smile. Smile. Smile. Smile.

As for PPs who say this wouldn't annoy you - all the little things might not, but having a passive-aggressive mother or MIL (or both) is not a pleasant experience. Just because it doesn't annoy you, doesn't mean it's not a big deal, an indicator of larger issues, or annoying as fuck to the OP. Just sayin'.

4N6s

Are you talking to her on the phone? I'd stop calling or be "busy."

WhitMathis

I would also be annoyed. Dear MIL you had YOUR babies... Now it's my turn. Be excited, sure. Overwhelmingly possessive, no. I probably wouldn't say anything just because you dont want tension unless it got to a point where it was unbearable. Oh, and if you'd like some coffee... Have some. I'm 24 weeks pregnant and drink coffee everyday (within limits of course).

jrouge12

It takes a village to raise a child...or at least an overbearing MIL to provide free babysitting when you and DH need a night out. I say grin and bare it, then cash those "my baby" coupons in later. :P

Gingermom15

I would do things to drive her nuts, like buy decaf coffee if caffeine can't be consumed and drink it in front of her. Withhold the chosen baby name until birth, eat edible cookie dough without telling her it's egg-free, those sorts of things. I hate annoying little comments like these myself. We actually refused to tell SO's side of the family the baby's name until a couple weeks ago because his mom and grandmother both made rude remarks that their baby (yes, they said that crap) wasn't going to be named the one we liked at first. His mother went so far as to tell me if I loved my child I wouldn't name him that name. 'Scuse me, b****? I put my foot down really quick. We haven't had anymore little suggestions or remarks and they tell us they love the baby's name. The name happens to be the same we liked from the beginning that everybody hated. It was almost like I had to establish my dominance over my child. Some people are controlling and weird.

SoSirius

I think it's good to want to talk things out with your MIL and improve the relationship even if she isn't he worst MIL in the world. She does seem harder to talk to from your description but maybe DH knows the right words to make her listen. My MIL jokes around a lot so I do the same with her. When she use to call DS "my son" (translated) I would call DH and say she was asking for him . She thought it was funny but she's a smart woman and also caught on to my meaning (I was clear about it too at one point but not aggressive). Maybe my perspective is too culturally based but I hope it translates and can work for you.

redfallon

When she starts talking about "her baby" start talking about your DH.

limesnequines

She's allowed to be excited but after the millionth time I would go with the passive aggressive approach too. Every time she says "my baby" gleefully say "Oh my goodness, you're pregnant too!" And start giving her all the "helpful" advice she's been giving to you. I understand where everyone is saying get over it but it would drive me nuts too and being pregnant has made me far more belligerent so I wouldn't stand for it. If she pouts, then tell her you're very sorry but since it came out of your vagina and is made from your husband's sperm it is only your baby. Not hers.

Scornelius

I think her telling you what to do is annoying, but getting riled up by the "my baby" thing is just not worth your time and her hurt feelings. Would it bother you if your mom said it, or your best friend? Personally, I love it when people claim my son like that. It means my baby has a place in their heart, and that he's cherished. As a stm who chose some dumb hills to die on, I strongly encourage you to look at your Mil's good intentions on this one.

2-Step

I understand why this would bug you. But, I also have to tell you that those passive aggressive comments and actions really will only make your relationship with her worse. If you really want to have a relationship with your MIL and for your kids to see you having a good relationship with her then there are really only two options: 1. Have an honest conversation with her and tell her how you feel and hope she takes it well, 2. Ignore it and bite your tongue, vent to your husband and work on focusing on the positives about her. 

Honestly, bringing kids into the picture makes all kinds of inlaw drama much more annoying and much more apparent. You will be spending more time with your inlaws, you will be dealing with their thoughts on your life more often and possibly their annoying nicknames and habits regarding your children, you will probably be pressured to take vacations with them or spend more of your valuable time sitting bored out of your mind at their house for dinner. These are all things that are easy to get resentful about and can easily eat into your happiness. This is mostly inevitable. Having kids really does put a spotlight on your issues with your inlaws, good or bad. For me, the best thing has been to realize that they absolutely love me, DH and my kids and want the best for us and that my kids will probably enjoy most of the annoying things I find obnoxious about their grandparents. For my kids I will be the bigger person and embrace my family as much as possible. 

I mostly deal with my inlaws with deep breaths, wine and venting sessions to my best friend when things get rough, but my kids adore them and they really are loving, good people. It's hard. Good luck!

cmerribury

I realize I'm late to the party, but I had to chime in. I had something like this happen with my first. My MIL started out this way, "how is MY BABY today?" and "give MY BABY some kisses for me"...etc. Eventually once he was born I would catch her calling herself "Mom" to him instead of "Mom Mom" which is what she goes by. She was the one who was watching him when I went back to work, and she ignored all of my rules and dates, etc. for him. She fed him solids at 4 months even though I told her that 6 months is when me and the pediatrician had agreed to introduce them. When he was older she would toss out the organic fruit and veggie-heavy meals I packed and take him to McDonald's even though I strictly forbid it. She insisted upon giving him sweets even though we didn't want it. As a consequence his eating habits got worse and worse over time. We eventually pulled him from her care and put him in a daycare environment. We had some strong words with her about it, but she doesn't think she did anything wrong. She's very bitter and almost never sees him or us now, which is her choice (we routinely try to set up get togethers, but she's always "busy"). It makes me sad for him, but ultimately it wasn't something we were comfortable putting up with any more. She made her whole life about her kids, and when they grew up and had kids she felt a little lost. So, life became about the grandkids...which would be OK, but she has no boundries. I hope you can find a way to nip it in the bud. For me I wish I'd done it sooner, rather than letting it get so far/so bad. 

Jessimuca

My MIL does this my daughter and our nephews- I imagine she'll do this with this new baby as well. It drives me nuts every single time but at the end of the day this is not the hill I want to die on. She can say it all she wants but there's no confusion about who mommy is. It definitely doesn't stop me from rolling my eyes every single time though (she does it on Facebook comments, not in person).

Mallory15

i would ask her how HER morning sickness has been since it's HER baby... just kidding... I agree with PP, gotta let it slide, she sounds like someone I know and it'll get way worse once the baby is here, pick your battles... it'll get easier, hopefully, when the baby grows up a little and the whole "everyone gives advice all the time because they think you need it" stage dies down a little

Monkeybutt80

I do agree with pps that "my baby" comment isn't something that would bother me ( I would think it's really weird but not bother me), BUT, I can see how it could annoy someone. I would joke back with her in a way that's not malicious, but let her know that it is weird to refer to your baby as her baby. Next time she calls your baby "my baby" just say, "yes, and don't forget that this is YOUR baby when the college tuition bills come!"

meganvillamar75

I can see how this would get annoying. I have the same issues with my MIL. She constantly makes suggestions that I have to politely decline over and over. It's annoying, just stop it already! I'm a grown ass woman with my own way of doing things. I think it's only normal to get a little territorial over your baby. Most of us have been thinking about babies for many years before we actually get one. We've been picking names and nursery themes and dreaming about what they'll look like, long before we see the positive test. It's annoying when someone comes along and tries to take control and make decisions for you.

DrillSergeantCat

Mine isn't my MIL it's a friend I admin a facebook page with. She always has something to say about what I'm doing. I finally told her that my doctor says it's fine and she stopped.

pettycrocker

Eff all this noise. 

Coffee.