Affair advice

mishmardhiono

firstly, sorry this post has nothing to do with anything related to pregnancy or babies. This is the only neutral place I think I can seek advice.

To start, maybe 7 years ago my father had an affair with another woman. I told him he had to come clean or id tell my mum. He didn't so I told her I ended up losing my whole family (my mum also turned her back on me) and only reconnected with them after my now DH said it was important to have family.

Fast track to now. A few weeks ago my father (who is quite well known in our community) was texting someone who wasn't my mother and the text said "I love you so much". I ignored it because it was only a quick glimpse and never said anything to anyone. I have then been observing sus behaviours (always hiding phone, rejecting calls then walking out of room to take them, saying he's at home and he's not etc) but as I had no proof I said nothing. My husband had to borrow his phone to take a photo, as he did it the message came through from the same name but on fb msg that I saw and it said I can't wait to have you in my bed tonight. He said what the picture (black background, green ribbon and roses) looked like. Last night we were all having drinks together, I saw the name he was msging I looked at her fb showed my husband this picture and he confirmed this is the girl. Same name, same picture, same filthy messages.

This girl has attacked my mum before this and mum just thought she was crazy.

What do I do? Do I out him to my mum and lose everything again? Do I confront him? Do igo to her and ask her to go away? I'm so sad, this is my daughters grandfather. A man I used to love so dearly now I hate the ground he walks on but my mum doesn't deserve knowing from the way she treated me last time.

Sammy K

What an awful situation. Given what happened last time, I don't know that I would do anything. Your mom probably knows and is either choosing to ignore it or living in denial. What does your DH think? This would stress me out to no end. If it were me, I would probably limit the time I spend with them and let them have the marriage that they're in. Big hugs lady.

ETA I get that family is important but sometimes they can be toxic and it's better to walk away. Can you salvage your relationship with your mom and avoid your dad? I'm just afraid if you try to bring it up, you'll be the bad guy again.

AlyLynn07

This is horrible, so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, I think that given your family's previous reaction, you may need some concrete evidence to back you up.. Screenshots? Pics? If it were me, I would want to know if my husband were cheating, but wonder if I would believe someone else's "accusations" on word alone, especially since I have no reason to think he would. Granted, you think your own parent could trust what you say as being true but that's a whole different issue entirely. Maybe your mom doesn't want to believe it but some cold hard facts will shed some light on the situation.

mishmardhiono

I can't keep my mouth closed, I just can't. But I can't get the evidence either. The only way I could was to confront my dad, if he denies it then just say if your innocent show me your phone. But of course he doesn't have to comply with that.

It always plays on my mind if I don't say anything and she one day finds out and then finds out we knew how betrayed would you feel? And then I think maybe I am willing to lose them once and for all if that's the way it's going to be. I have no issues if she chooses to stay married to him, that's her choice but should we help him get away with it? I always said if it happened again I wouldn't but I can't just forget about it

And I think your right, she disowned me because she knew it was happening and wanted to pretend it wasn't and I made it real so then j got the blame. Id want my daughter yo tell me though

KaLikeAWind

mishmardhiono said:

I'm so sad, this is my daughters grandfather. A man I used to love so dearly now I hate the ground he walks on but my mum doesn't deserve knowing from the way she treated me last time.

I think for this sentence you should discuss this with your dad. And approach it from this point of view. Dad, I'm pretty sure I know what's happening with this lady, and it makes me very sad and angry. And I don't want to feel that way about my baby's grandfather. Last time there was a situation like this it broke the whole family apart and for the sake of my baby, I'd really like to not have that happen again. But on the other hand, it goes against my conscience to know that you are cheating on my mom. That's not right. You're forcing me to make a choice between potentially driving our family apart again or keeping a distasteful secret for you. Neither choice is something I want, so what do you suggest be done? Because I'm not going to allow my child to be put into a potentially dangerous situation by a woman who has already attacked my mom in the past, and I'm not going to be able to keep up a relationship where I hate the baby's grandfather. Because that kind of relationship is not fair to myself or my baby.

Then your dad can either lie to you and blow you off, in which case I'm sorry to say, and it sucks, but he has basically chosen his relationship with this woman over his relationship with you and your LO. My father did this - he chose his relationship with a woman over his relationship with my sister and I. He's my dad, and I still love him, of course, and talk with him on occasion (mostly holidays), but I don't make effort for him. His actions have repeatedly demonstrated his choice. I'm just going to be over here doing my thing and he can be over there doing his thing. He knows what I expect if he wants to come and be more involved in our lives (respect). Just like your dad would know what you expect if he wants to be involved in your lives (an end to the relationship with this woman).

OR - your dad might realize what's at stake here, and do the right thing.

This is just how I would approach this situation. You're certainly in a crappy spot. Wishing you the best in hopes for as easy a resolution as possible.

mishmardhiono

Wow, you need a column in a magazine. That's the best advice I've heard so far. No reason why I can't put it to him like that at all. In the end the outcome will be 100% his responsibility. Do you think I should ask him for coffee out in a cafe so it can't get out of hand or just spring it on him? I'm sorry, I'm so caught up in the emotions and anger I really can't think straight

KaLikeAWind

Thanks! I would probably ask him to a quiet place to talk (a not too busy coffee shop could work, but not a bustling place) but I would probably let him know you want to meet to 'talk about the family' so he's not blindsided. I like to be somewhat mentally prepared if I'm going into a serious conversation. It allows me to get my mind into the right place. If he thinks he's just meeting for coffee and to talk about football (or whatever) and you whammy him with this super serious conversation he may be left reeling and unable to enter into a constructive discourse about it. At least if he is given that little bit of preemptive agenda hopefully his mind will be in the right place to listen seriously and give the situation the serious thought it deserves and not a knee-jerk reaction.

virginiaunicorn11

mishmardhiono said:

I can't keep my mouth closed, I just can't.

And I think your right, she disowned me because she knew it was happening and wanted to pretend it wasn't and I made it real so then j got the blame. Id want my daughter yo tell me though

You've made up your mind, but I think the above shows you need to stay out of this. While I understand that it affects you, your parents' marriage is really not your business. And what happened last time you interfered shows you that, a) your mother does not want you involved, and b) she knows about his affairs and doesn't want it thrown in her face.

Your rationalizing about why you need to tell is about YOUR perspective - you say you would want to know. Well, your mother has made it clear that she does not. So in fact, you are not really doing this for her. (And all this is totally fine and human - but rationally, you are not doing the favor you think you are doing.)

Further, I don't think a parent's sexual relationship is related to their relationship with their child, unless it is actually directly interfering. So while I can see how you wouldn't want to spend time with an adulterer or someone who treated you so badly before... I actually do not think it is appropriate to pretend to make your father choose between you and his mistress. Those are very different parts of his life - and if he treated you well, he could actually keep those parts of his life very separate. If there is any choice to be made, it should be between the wife and the mistress - and the wife is not demanding that choice.

If you choose not to have a relationship with your father, that is perfectly understandable. He is a liar and vindictive to you. But you don't need to insert yourself into your parents' affairs any longer - they already made that extremely clear.

This is a terrible situation, and very heartbreaking. I'm sorry you're going through it.

mishmardhiono

Thanks everyone for the advice, I really took virginia's advice on board and then more happened and I couldn't keep my mouth closed.

My little one has been in hospital for 5 days with possible urinary reflux, my parents live 3 minutes from the hospital and my father spent those 5 days as a free man with this woman Because mum was at work or with me instead of coming to see his grand daughter.

He then said he has to go away for work over Christmas and would now miss his first grandchilds first Christmas. He is the owner of his business. He doesn't ever have to work Xmas, that's why he has 200 staff. So because I have nothing to do while LO is sleeping I went snooping found his email password hoping it would be his fb too but it wasn't. Instead I found the itinerary for him and his girlfriend to go away together for Christmas.

So then this became my business. I confronted him, he denied everything, I told him everything I knew and if it was t true to show me his phone (he then spent 20 minutes playing on his phone deleting everything I'm assuming before handing it over.) when he showed me there was no messgEs from her but her kids saying "can't wait for Bali in December". I told him he wasn't the man I grew up idolising and I no longer want him to have anything to do with us if this is how little our daughter means to him. I said o wasn't going to tell my
Mum but he's going to have to come up with something to explain why he can no longer come here. Piece of shit.

I'm really heartbroken, I had so many dreams about this special relationship my daughter would have with the dad I thought he was, but apparently after 27 years he's a total piece of shit.

lovethatcolosun

Oh girl. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this crap. I think you did the right thing. Sometimes it's best to just cut the negative people out of your life. It sounds like he has a lot of life lessons left to learn. Keep your head up and focused on your beautiful LO. Internet hugs for you. ❤️

Sammy K

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you can keep a good relationship with your mom. I agree with @lovethatcolosun that sometimes it's better to walk away from toxic family than try to force a relationship. More internet hugs!

mishmardhiono

That's right, she's better off with people who prioritise her. Thanks girls for your help and hugs

KarasTwin

Oh man, what a tough situation. Sorry that your LO has been sick and that you have to deal with all of this. Hugs and prayers!

virginiaunicorn11

I'm so sorry. About the loss of this relationship and all you're going through with your baby. You seem like you handled it very well, but I know that doesn't make it easier. More hugs your way, lady

mishmardhiono

Thanks for the well wishes, she's fine and good now nothing to worry about just another uti. For now I'll hold back on the relationship maybe once he re proves himself I can reassess. It's a shame when you idolise someone and then discover who that person really is. And incredible ability to lead a double life.

beemaya83

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your father. Wtf going away for Christmas? I'd be pissed too. You know, a woman always knows when something is up and I'm sure your mom has that gut feeling. But after so many years of marriage it seems to me she is probably choosing to ignore it. stay strong!