June 2015 Moms
mishmardhiono
member
Affair advice
mishmardhiono
member
firstly, sorry this post has nothing to do with anything related to pregnancy or babies. This is the only neutral place I think I can seek advice.
To start, maybe 7 years ago my father had an affair with another woman. I told him he had to come clean or id tell my mum. He didn't so I told her I ended up losing my whole family (my mum also turned her back on me) and only reconnected with them after my now DH said it was important to have family.
Fast track to now. A few weeks ago my father (who is quite well known in our community) was texting someone who wasn't my mother and the text said "I love you so much". I ignored it because it was only a quick glimpse and never said anything to anyone. I have then been observing sus behaviours (always hiding phone, rejecting calls then walking out of room to take them, saying he's at home and he's not etc) but as I had no proof I said nothing. My husband had to borrow his phone to take a photo, as he did it the message came through from the same name but on fb msg that I saw and it said I can't wait to have you in my bed tonight. He said what the picture (black background, green ribbon and roses) looked like. Last night we were all having drinks together, I saw the name he was msging I looked at her fb showed my husband this picture and he confirmed this is the girl. Same name, same picture, same filthy messages.
This girl has attacked my mum before this and mum just thought she was crazy.
What do I do? Do I out him to my mum and lose everything again? Do I confront him? Do igo to her and ask her to go away? I'm so sad, this is my daughters grandfather. A man I used to love so dearly now I hate the ground he walks on but my mum doesn't deserve knowing from the way she treated me last time.
To start, maybe 7 years ago my father had an affair with another woman. I told him he had to come clean or id tell my mum. He didn't so I told her I ended up losing my whole family (my mum also turned her back on me) and only reconnected with them after my now DH said it was important to have family.
Fast track to now. A few weeks ago my father (who is quite well known in our community) was texting someone who wasn't my mother and the text said "I love you so much". I ignored it because it was only a quick glimpse and never said anything to anyone. I have then been observing sus behaviours (always hiding phone, rejecting calls then walking out of room to take them, saying he's at home and he's not etc) but as I had no proof I said nothing. My husband had to borrow his phone to take a photo, as he did it the message came through from the same name but on fb msg that I saw and it said I can't wait to have you in my bed tonight. He said what the picture (black background, green ribbon and roses) looked like. Last night we were all having drinks together, I saw the name he was msging I looked at her fb showed my husband this picture and he confirmed this is the girl. Same name, same picture, same filthy messages.
This girl has attacked my mum before this and mum just thought she was crazy.
What do I do? Do I out him to my mum and lose everything again? Do I confront him? Do igo to her and ask her to go away? I'm so sad, this is my daughters grandfather. A man I used to love so dearly now I hate the ground he walks on but my mum doesn't deserve knowing from the way she treated me last time.
Re: Affair advice
ETA I get that family is important but sometimes they can be toxic and it's better to walk away. Can you salvage your relationship with your mom and avoid your dad? I'm just afraid if you try to bring it up, you'll be the bad guy again.
It always plays on my mind if I don't say anything and she one day finds out and then finds out we knew how betrayed would you feel? And then I think maybe I am willing to lose them once and for all if that's the way it's going to be. I have no issues if she chooses to stay married to him, that's her choice but should we help him get away with it? I always said if it happened again I wouldn't but I can't just forget about it
And I think your right, she disowned me because she knew it was happening and wanted to pretend it wasn't and I made it real so then j got the blame. Id want my daughter yo tell me though
Then your dad can either lie to you and blow you off, in which case I'm sorry to say, and it sucks, but he has basically chosen his relationship with this woman over his relationship with you and your LO. My father did this - he chose his relationship with a woman over his relationship with my sister and I. He's my dad, and I still love him, of course, and talk with him on occasion (mostly holidays), but I don't make effort for him. His actions have repeatedly demonstrated his choice. I'm just going to be over here doing my thing and he can be over there doing his thing. He knows what I expect if he wants to come and be more involved in our lives (respect). Just like your dad would know what you expect if he wants to be involved in your lives (an end to the relationship with this woman).
OR - your dad might realize what's at stake here, and do the right thing.
This is just how I would approach this situation. You're certainly in a crappy spot. Wishing you the best in hopes for as easy a resolution as possible.
Your rationalizing about why you need to tell is about YOUR perspective - you say you would want to know. Well, your mother has made it clear that she does not. So in fact, you are not really doing this for her. (And all this is totally fine and human - but rationally, you are not doing the favor you think you are doing.)
Further, I don't think a parent's sexual relationship is related to their relationship with their child, unless it is actually directly interfering. So while I can see how you wouldn't want to spend time with an adulterer or someone who treated you so badly before... I actually do not think it is appropriate to pretend to make your father choose between you and his mistress. Those are very different parts of his life - and if he treated you well, he could actually keep those parts of his life very separate. If there is any choice to be made, it should be between the wife and the mistress - and the wife is not demanding that choice.
If you choose not to have a relationship with your father, that is perfectly understandable. He is a liar and vindictive to you. But you don't need to insert yourself into your parents' affairs any longer - they already made that extremely clear.
This is a terrible situation, and very heartbreaking. I'm sorry you're going through it.
My little one has been in hospital for 5 days with possible urinary reflux, my parents live 3 minutes from the hospital and my father spent those 5 days as a free man with this woman Because mum was at work or with me instead of coming to see his grand daughter.
He then said he has to go away for work over Christmas and would now miss his first grandchilds first Christmas. He is the owner of his business. He doesn't ever have to work Xmas, that's why he has 200 staff. So because I have nothing to do while LO is sleeping I went snooping found his email password hoping it would be his fb too but it wasn't. Instead I found the itinerary for him and his girlfriend to go away together for Christmas.
So then this became my business. I confronted him, he denied everything, I told him everything I knew and if it was t true to show me his phone (he then spent 20 minutes playing on his phone deleting everything I'm assuming before handing it over.) when he showed me there was no messgEs from her but her kids saying "can't wait for Bali in December". I told him he wasn't the man I grew up idolising and I no longer want him to have anything to do with us if this is how little our daughter means to him. I said o wasn't going to tell my
Mum but he's going to have to come up with something to explain why he can no longer come here. Piece of shit.
I'm really heartbroken, I had so many dreams about this special relationship my daughter would have with the dad I thought he was, but apparently after 27 years he's a total piece of shit.
BFP #1 12/23/13 MMC 01/24/14 @ 9w5days