New member here - Hello! Single mommy-to-be

lubaTO

Hi everyone, I've been lurking around and decided to introduce myself and share my story. 

I've been pretty active on the Baby Center forum but not so much here and it seems there's a bit more single parents and parents to be on here

I am from Canada and currently 19 weeks pregnant with a BOY

My boyfriend and I had only been together for 2 months when I found out I was pregnant, which was a huge shock. We had an accident and I took a Plan B pill but yet here we are! I'm 28. He's 33. Both at good jobs. We've been having many issues and conflict of personalities but overall he was supportive and we planned moving in together. I was and still am in love with him and he has a lot of great qualities I want in a mad. Unfortunately things got progressively worse as we are navigating the relationship and the pregnancy (he is a big Alpha male personality and was very jealous of ex's  and guys around me, even though I have been completely loyal to him) and a month and a half ago told me he doesn't want to continue and we're over.  His reasons were that he doesn't trust me, he thinks I am a feminist who doesn't want to take care of a man and overall doesn't think we can be happy together. 

I  was devastated and still have a hard time dealing with it.... It has gotten a little easier, especially now that I'm in the second trimester and feeling better physically. But the emotions are crazy and SO hard to control. 

I am a strong person and have been through a lot (family deaths, a divorce from my high school sweetheart 2 years ago, lots of moves, etc). I have a great job and a great support group. I am moving in with my mom at the end of this month so I can save a bit of money and also for the help I will surely need. i know things will be OK but I can't help it -  all I want is to be with BD ... I can't imagine dating other people, and how complicated that will be. I dread dealing with visitaions, CS, courts, etc...  I have this hope in my head that we'll get back together, and I hate myself for feeling so weak and dependent. 

BD and I still talk almost daily, we see each other (sleep over and all that), go to movies. He wants to help me move and also wants to buy all the baby gear together. He has a child already and keeps saying he doesn't want to be a weekend dad. He wants a family. But he is firm on his belief that we are not good together and he doesn't want to "forgive me" for the alleged things I've done, which I think were all a product of his own insecurities. 

I need some advice on whether or not I should continue harboring this hope that he will change his mind. Or should I let him go as a partner and only have him involved as BD? the back and forth is very hard emotionally but the times we talk and see each other feel so good (agh I feel bad even writing this). 

Advice or just thoughts??

20thirteen

That is a whole lot to digest! Sorry about your situation, although, I did laugh a little at the whole "he thinks I am a feminist who doesn't want to take care of a man" bit.  I'm a feminist, I have a boyfriend who supports that.  We also support each other and take care of each other because that is what it takes to be in a relationship.  If your BD is looking for a girl to cater to his every need, I think you're better off without him.  You are a WOMAN not a girl.  Anyway...

He says he doesn't trust you, blames you for things he imagined occurred, and doesn't think you guys can be together because you can't make him happy?  

You need to let go.  This guy is toxic.  When you said "things got progressively worse", that should have been an indication that this dude is just not good match.  I don't know what "things" you're talking about, I assume nothing physical happened, but if he's verbally and emotionally abusive to you while you're pregnant, that affects the baby.  And if he does this to you now, imagine what he'd do in front of your little boy.  It's better to leave now and let your DS know that it's not ok to treat women that way, or let him grow up in a home where who knows what BD would teach him.  Of course, I write this under the assumption that "things" are verbal/emotional abuse.  Also, being in a relationship where someone can't trust you or "forgive you" for imagined discretions is just a recipe for disaster.

Have you considered counseling?  I ask this because I sought counseling when I was pregnant.  Let me give you a little background on myself:  I was 29 and in a relationship of 4 years when I got pregnant.  BD was a functioning alcoholic, selling drugs to get by, and worked "under the table" at a hydroponics store ("grow shop").  We were broke, I was unhappy, I was constantly fighting to keep this relationship I didn't even want to be in.  And when I told him I was pregnant, he wouldn't talk to me.  Unless it was to push for an abortion.  He ended up dumping me on Christmas, and when I say he did, I mean his other girlfriend did.  As in, he'd been seeing this girl on and off for the previous 2 years (DURING our relationship) and at that point, they were back together.  Over the course of the rest of my pregnancy, I learned about the whole him dating another girl on and off for 2 years, also about a whole list of other girls who slept with him for drugs.  The difference between me and a lot of girls, though, is that when you do me wrong, I'm over it fairly quickly.  I cried my tears for him for about a week, and then shook my head every time I learned about a new girl he had while we were together.  I was blinded, yeah, but it's over now, and I'm glad.  I went to counseling from when I was 2mo pregnant up until DD was about 1 year.  It helped immensely.  My counselor helped me find daycare assistance and a good daycare for my DD, she helped me with maternity clothes and clothes for DD when I didn't have any money, and she bought DD a special stuffed dog that DD carries EVERYWHERE.  Long story short, counseling could help you in more ways than one.

I dreaded having to fight with BD about my DD but in the end, all I had to tell him was that he was off the birth certificate and not in my life anymore.  He maybe met DD 2 or 3 times, but he's disappeared since before her 1st birthday.  Of course, that was my BD.  Your BD sounds like he'd be a fighter because he has to be in control.  You gotta be mama bear.  Protect yourself and your LO.

@babybean54 I feel like maybe you would have some good advice for OP.

lubaTO

20thirteen - I was hoping to hear your input on this! I've been reading a lot of other threads and you are indeed a very insightful person!

 Everything you said about my BD is spot on. From my own little psycho-analysis (LOL) he has narcissistic personality and to an extreme. During the course of only 4 months we were together, two of which I was pregnant, he constantly criticized things in my personality he saw as flaws and he was on the lookout for "red flags" as he called them. The sad part is, people like that seem to take over others' minds and hearts. I have never experienced someone controlling my mind like this! If I wasn't pregnant, the answer would be easy - forget him and move on. But how do you do it when all you want is to share this baby with the dad!!! And I think the relationship is salvageable, but perhaps this is just my confused pregnant mind speaking.

He was never physical, but did warn me a couple of times while fighting that he needs to step away from the situation because he's getting angry and he might become a "monster". I actually feel sorry for him, and want to help him deal with his mental issues and deep insecurities coming from a bad childhood. I know that is one of the signs of being in a relationship with a narcissist - the desire to help them, even though it's impossible. 

One day I think - OK, he is not worth it, move on and you'll be ok. Then the next we have a nice convo and I think - OMG, there's a chance, keep frighting for him! It's all so confusing. I know in my heart what I need to do but my own upbringing and beliefs put the family as #1 and I feel like being together is worth every effort.... 

I've read your own situation on here before, thank you for sharing! In a way you are lucky that BD disappeared! I almost wish mine would. Either be a real father  and partner or just go. I know there's a very good possibility he will fight me tooth and nail for DS. The only good part is he has his own business and will never go to court in fear of having to disclose his full business income, etc. And I want him in DS life so I will certainly try to keep things as civil as possible.

Thanks again for responding. I am always on the forums so I'm sure there will be more to come on my messy situation

PS - I do have counselling on the phone that helped ma re-focus a bit. I will be looking into in-person sessions though!

lubaTO

20thirteen said:

That is a whole lot to digest! Sorry about your situation, although, I did laugh a little at the whole "he thinks I am a feminist who doesn't want to take care of a man" bit.  I'm a feminist, I have a boyfriend who supports that.  We also support each other and take care of each other because that is what it takes to be in a relationship.  If your BD is looking for a girl to cater to his every need, I think you're better off without him.  You are a WOMAN not a girl.  Anyway...

Yes that part makes me laugh too, despite of the sadness overall with the situation! 

He has actually told me he wants me to "pamper him". HELLO Buddy, I am pregnant over here!!! Who says that?

And he's asked me if I used to wear the pants in my marriage, and if guys I've dated have been submissive. 

All this clearly shows his own issues. Sadly, there has been times where I've questioned myself and thought maybe he's right.... UGH. It sucks to even admit it on here. I have always vowed to NEVER allow a man to make me feel inferior to him because I'm a woman. I am strong, have a great career and my own independence. With him, I feel like I should apologize for those things

20thirteen

lubaTO said:

Everything you said about my BD is spot on. From my own little psycho-analysis (LOL) he has narcissistic personality and to an extreme. During the course of only 4 months we were together, two of which I was pregnant, he constantly criticized things in my personality he saw as flaws and he was on the lookout for "red flags" as he called them. The sad part is, people like that seem to take over others' minds and hearts. I have never experienced someone controlling my mind like this! If I wasn't pregnant, the answer would be easy - forget him and move on. But how do you do it when all you want is to share this baby with the dad!!! And I think the relationship is salvageable, but perhaps this is just my confused pregnant mind speaking. 

This all right here is a good indication that taking a break would be very beneficial for you.  Maybe request that he doesn't contact you for a few days or a couple weeks so you can sit back and assess the situation.  What I bolded is a major red flag to me.  He's criticizes you for parts of your personality that make you YOU.  That's not healthy.  I could pick apart things that I don't like about my BF but I don't, and he could do the same but he doesn't.  All that would do is strain the relationship, make the other person feel like a total failure for whatever reason, and then all that hurt would never get resolved.  It's a downward spiral and it's just going to lead to a very unhappy life if you let it continue.  And, again, you have to think of not only yourself, but your DS. Do you want him to treat women the way this guy is treating you?  If you stay in this relationship, you're teaching your DS that this behavior is ok, when it really isn't.

And I italicized the part that I can TOTALLY relate to.  I was initially sad, then angry, that my BD chose to walk away and disappear.  But in the end, he's not a really good person to have around as a role model for DD.  Also, I don't know for sure what exactly he's doing these days, (I'm in contact with his mother, we're friends on FB and she gives me updates once in a blue moon that I ignore) so I can't say for sure whether or not he's grown up and changed. But what I do know is that I don't want DD to think it's ok to be with a guy that treats her the way BD treated me.  So, the fact that he is no longer in contact with me doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I also plan to be as unbiased about the situation as possible for as long as I need to be for DD's sake.  I want her to form her own opinion of BD, and when she's old enough to know the situation, I'm going to let her know that who he was when I knew him may or may not be the same guy he is in the future.  Who knows how that will go, but that's my plan for now.

lubaTO said:

He was never physical, but did warn me a couple of times while fighting that he needs to step away from the situation because he's getting angry and he might become a "monster". I actually feel sorry for him, and want to help him deal with his mental issues and deep insecurities coming from a bad childhood. I know that is one of the signs of being in a relationship with a narcissist - the desire to help them, even though it's impossible. 

One day I think - OK, he is not worth it, move on and you'll be ok. Then the next we have a nice convo and I think - OMG, there's a chance, keep frighting for him! It's all so confusing. I know in my heart what I need to do but my own upbringing and beliefs put the family as #1 and I feel like being together is worth every effort.... 

Here, though, (top bolded) he is acting mature regarding what happens when you two get in an argument.  Pray that it's the way he will continually handle those situations.  It's good to know that he knows when to walk away and take a break from a fight to prevent it from getting physical, I'll give him props for that.

Top bolded and italicized and bottom bolded, he's banking on that. This is how he keeps a hold on you, this is how they keep you from walking away completely.  He's got one foot in, and that's all he needs to keep this up and manipulating you to stay with him in this downward spiral.

lubaTO said:

I've read your own situation on here before, thank you for sharing! In a way you are lucky that BD disappeared! I almost wish mine would. Either be a real father  and partner or just go. I know there's a very good possibility he will fight me tooth and nail for DS. The only good part is he has his own business and will never go to court in fear of having to disclose his full business income, etc. And I want him in DS life so I will certainly try to keep things as civil as possible.

I don't think being a real father and partner necessarily have to go hand in hand.  I have a friend who is friendly with her BD and he's a great father to their 2 kids, but him and her were just not good partners.  Your BD might be a good/real father to your DS, but we know for sure he really is not a good partner for you.  If you file for any kind of CS, he's going to have to disclose that money anyway.  Unless you and him can have an agreement outside of court.  Visitation is a separate issue from anything monetary, so I don't think he'd have to disclose his business income for that.  But custody, maybe.  Because the court would need to know that he could provide for DS.  I don't know how things work up in Canada, so I can't help you too much on the legal aspects.   I tagged babybean but I know she's pretty busy, she went to counseling with her BD and they took parenting classes together when she was pregnant.  I don't know if that's something you would want to try with your BD or not, but I applaud her for taking the steps to be so civil with the dude (even though after the baby was born, the situation is very different).  I didn't have that in me to do, and then I started dating my current BF a couple weeks before I gave birth (old flame who has been more than happy to fill BD's role), so I think BD didn't want to be around him.

lubaTO said:

Yes that part makes me laugh too, despite of the sadness overall with the situation! 

He has actually told me he wants me to "pamper him". HELLO Buddy, I am pregnant over here!!! Who says that?

And he's asked me if I used to wear the pants in my marriage, and if guys I've dated have been submissive. 

All this clearly shows his own issues. Sadly, there has been times where I've questioned myself and thought maybe he's right.... UGH. It sucks to even admit it on here. I have always vowed to NEVER allow a man to make me feel inferior to him because I'm a woman. I am strong, have a great career and my own independence. With him, I feel like I should apologize for those things

Oh, I had to move in with my dad (he's handicapped and could use the help anyway) and he did not help me at all! Haha, if I had a craving (I had so few), usually I'd be SOL because it was something from a restaurant he didn't like or didn't want to go to.

And if he's so concerned about who "wears the pants" in the relationship, that especially is a good sign to leave.  We are no longer in the 1950's. Women have been working out of the home for decades to provide for their families alongside the men.  In some marriages, the woman is the breadwinner and the dad stays at home with the kids.  Really, it all depends on the relationship and what works best for that relationship.  If he can't handle it, he can't handle you.  Get out of that relationship.  It'll hurt less now than it will later.  Trust me.

20thirteen

lubaTO said:

20thirteen - I was hoping to hear your input on this! I've been reading a lot of other threads and you are indeed a very insightful person!

Also, thank you.  I try to be as helpful as I can be.  Lots of people "abandoned ship" a few months back and I try to stick around.

lubaTO

Thank you again @20thirteen

It's amazing how helpful it is to just write out your issues and explain the situation to "strangers" lol. It gives me such a different perspective while even just writing the words. When you're stuck in it, it's hard to see things clearly.

I had a very productive phone session with my therapist yesterday and she basically allowed me to see that I am resisting dealing with the break up and this is not allowing me to fully grieve and move through the stages. She said it's better to deal with it now and be sad/depressed now, instead of postponing it and potentially having the break up depression move into post-partum depression..

And she also helped me see that it will benefit me and the baby if me and BD discussed and agreed on custody, visitations, etc now. I've been avoiding this topic because of my hope that we'll be back together and it won't matter. But the reality is we ARENT together, he broke up with me and I need to deal with the situation at hand.

We have plans to take baby classes together in November and he has expressed he wants to be in the delivery room, but I'll have to take some time and think about it. I would love if we can be Rachel and Ross from Friends and have some super great friendship and coparent in harmony but for now my feelings are too messy.

lubaTO

I'm meeting him in half an hour for our 20 week US so we'll see how that goes I

I'm super excited to see my little big man on the screen ☺️☺️

lubaTO

20thirteen said:

lubaTO said:

Everything you said about my BD is spot on. From my own little psycho-analysis (LOL) he has narcissistic personality and to an extreme. During the course of only 4 months we were together, two of which I was pregnant, he constantly criticized things in my personality he saw as flaws and he was on the lookout for "red flags" as he called them. The sad part is, people like that seem to take over others' minds and hearts. I have never experienced someone controlling my mind like this! If I wasn't pregnant, the answer would be easy - forget him and move on. But how do you do it when all you want is to share this baby with the dad!!! And I think the relationship is salvageable, but perhaps this is just my confused pregnant mind speaking. 

This all right here is a good indication that taking a break would be very beneficial for you.  Maybe request that he doesn't contact you for a few days or a couple weeks so you can sit back and assess the situation.  What I bolded is a major red flag to me.  He's criticizes you for parts of your personality that make you YOU.  That's not healthy.  I could pick apart things that I don't like about my BF but I don't, and he could do the same but he doesn't.  All that would do is strain the relationship, make the other person feel like a total failure for whatever reason, and then all that hurt would never get resolved.  It's a downward spiral and it's just going to lead to a very unhappy life if you let it continue.  And, again, you have to think of not only yourself, but your DS. Do you want him to treat women the way this guy is treating you?  If you stay in this relationship, you're teaching your DS that this behavior is ok, when it really isn't.

And I italicized the part that I can TOTALLY relate to.  I was initially sad, then angry, that my BD chose to walk away and disappear.  But in the end, he's not a really good person to have around as a role model for DD.  Also, I don't know for sure what exactly he's doing these days, (I'm in contact with his mother, we're friends on FB and she gives me updates once in a blue moon that I ignore) so I can't say for sure whether or not he's grown up and changed. But what I do know is that I don't want DD to think it's ok to be with a guy that treats her the way BD treated me.  So, the fact that he is no longer in contact with me doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I also plan to be as unbiased about the situation as possible for as long as I need to be for DD's sake.  I want her to form her own opinion of BD, and when she's old enough to know the situation, I'm going to let her know that who he was when I knew him may or may not be the same guy he is in the future.  Who knows how that will go, but that's my plan for now.

lubaTO said:

He was never physical, but did warn me a couple of times while fighting that he needs to step away from the situation because he's getting angry and he might become a "monster". I actually feel sorry for him, and want to help him deal with his mental issues and deep insecurities coming from a bad childhood. I know that is one of the signs of being in a relationship with a narcissist - the desire to help them, even though it's impossible. 

One day I think - OK, he is not worth it, move on and you'll be ok. Then the next we have a nice convo and I think - OMG, there's a chance, keep frighting for him! It's all so confusing. I know in my heart what I need to do but my own upbringing and beliefs put the family as #1 and I feel like being together is worth every effort.... 

Here, though, (top bolded) he is acting mature regarding what happens when you two get in an argument.  Pray that it's the way he will continually handle those situations.  It's good to know that he knows when to walk away and take a break from a fight to prevent it from getting physical, I'll give him props for that.

Top bolded and italicized and bottom bolded, he's banking on that. This is how he keeps a hold on you, this is how they keep you from walking away completely.  He's got one foot in, and that's all he needs to keep this up and manipulating you to stay with him in this downward spiral.

lubaTO said:

I've read your own situation on here before, thank you for sharing! In a way you are lucky that BD disappeared! I almost wish mine would. Either be a real father  and partner or just go. I know there's a very good possibility he will fight me tooth and nail for DS. The only good part is he has his own business and will never go to court in fear of having to disclose his full business income, etc. And I want him in DS life so I will certainly try to keep things as civil as possible.

I don't think being a real father and partner necessarily have to go hand in hand.  I have a friend who is friendly with her BD and he's a great father to their 2 kids, but him and her were just not good partners.  Your BD might be a good/real father to your DS, but we know for sure he really is not a good partner for you.  If you file for any kind of CS, he's going to have to disclose that money anyway.  Unless you and him can have an agreement outside of court.  Visitation is a separate issue from anything monetary, so I don't think he'd have to disclose his business income for that.  But custody, maybe.  Because the court would need to know that he could provide for DS.  I don't know how things work up in Canada, so I can't help you too much on the legal aspects.   I tagged babybean but I know she's pretty busy, she went to counseling with her BD and they took parenting classes together when she was pregnant.  I don't know if that's something you would want to try with your BD or not, but I applaud her for taking the steps to be so civil with the dude (even though after the baby was born, the situation is very different).  I didn't have that in me to do, and then I started dating my current BF a couple weeks before I gave birth (old flame who has been more than happy to fill BD's role), so I think BD didn't want to be around him.

lubaTO said:

Yes that part makes me laugh too, despite of the sadness overall with the situation! 

He has actually told me he wants me to "pamper him". HELLO Buddy, I am pregnant over here!!! Who says that?

And he's asked me if I used to wear the pants in my marriage, and if guys I've dated have been submissive. 

All this clearly shows his own issues. Sadly, there has been times where I've questioned myself and thought maybe he's right.... UGH. It sucks to even admit it on here. I have always vowed to NEVER allow a man to make me feel inferior to him because I'm a woman. I am strong, have a great career and my own independence. With him, I feel like I should apologize for those things

Oh, I had to move in with my dad (he's handicapped and could use the help anyway) and he did not help me at all! Haha, if I had a craving (I had so few), usually I'd be SOL because it was something from a restaurant he didn't like or didn't want to go to.

And if he's so concerned about who "wears the pants" in the relationship, that especially is a good sign to leave.  We are no longer in the 1950's. Women have been working out of the home for decades to provide for their families alongside the men.  In some marriages, the woman is the breadwinner and the dad stays at home with the kids.  Really, it all depends on the relationship and what works best for that relationship.  If he can't handle it, he can't handle you.  Get out of that relationship.  It'll hurt less now than it will later.  Trust me.

I wish I was able to separate the dad from partner part right now. I know it's possible and maybe later I'll have the clarity of mind to do it. But for now him not being with me just hurts so much and it's hard to see him only being there for DS and not for me.

Maybe once DS is here things will make more sense.

20thirteen

lubaTO said:

I had a very productive phone session with my therapist yesterday and she basically allowed me to see that I am resisting dealing with the break up and this is not allowing me to fully grieve and move through the stages. She said it's better to deal with it now and be sad/depressed now, instead of postponing it and potentially having the break up depression move into post-partum depression.. And she also helped me see that it will benefit me and the baby if me and BD discussed and agreed on custody, visitations, etc now. I've been avoiding this topic because of my hope that we'll be back together and it won't matter. But the reality is we ARENT together, he broke up with me and I need to deal with the situation at hand. We have plans to take baby classes together in November and he has expressed he wants to be in the delivery room, but I'll have to take some time and think about it.

Can I say I like your therapist?  This blurb here is perfect. While I, thankfully, didn't have post-partum depression, I know quite a few women who did and, some of them, I didn't think they'd make it out of it.  I think that if you have your DS and then experience PPD, adding the sadness from a break up will make it so utterly unbearable. I'd hate to hear that happen to you.  And, like I've told many posters before, document the agreements.  Make sure you both sign them, in front of an unbiased 3rd party if possible, and make sure he gets a copy of the agreement.  Always keep the original.

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again, my BD was not allowed in the delivery room.  I went as far as giving his picture to the hospital security office and to the L&D nurses and told them that he was not to come near us.  And, again, I wasn't afraid of him doing anything to us, I just didn't want to have to see him.  I don't think it was necessarily the right thing to do, but I don't regret it.  With the way this guy has been treating you, I don't think I'd let him be *in* the room when you deliver, but I'm not sure I would necessarily bar him from the hospital either.  Unless you're scared of him, then by all means, keep him out.

lubaTO said:

I'm meeting him in half an hour for our 20 week US so we'll see how that goes I I'm super excited to see my little big man on the screen ☺️☺️

How did the appointment go?

lubaTO

Our appointment and meeting on Friday went well. Baby boy was super active and we got a cute ultrasound pic of his little face BD and I had a friendly lunch afterwards and everything was smooth. 

I have to see him again today. I have a midwife appointment and he's coming. 

He sent me a rather cold message this morning that he'd like to speak with me after so if I could "please make sometime to do so". His words. I find his tone very odd, especially since we just saw each other and were normal/friendly. So I'm unsure what to expect but perhaps he wants to start those serious conversations so I'm going in prepared. Wish me luck!!!!

I'm really unsure about what to do with baby classes and the actual delivery. From one side I really want him there but that is still me wanting-him-in-general talking. I'm not going to decide right now and give myself some time to adjust and deal with the situation. I just want the most stress-free delivery possible so very likely that won't involve ex's in the room! 

I am moving in with my mom this weekend, and it's become more emotional that I thought it would be. I'm up crying almost every night, hating the way my life is turning out, feeling like I failed, etc. I'm hoping these thoughts will pass.... 

It'll probably help to have my mom around so I don't wallow in self pity.

20thirteen

lubaTO said:

I am moving in with my mom this weekend, and it's become more emotional that I thought it would be. I'm up crying almost every night, hating the way my life is turning out, feeling like I failed, etc. I'm hoping these thoughts will pass.... 

It'll probably help to have my mom around so I don't wallow in self pity.

I want to address this real quick while I have a moment (on lunch at work and I actually was about to clock in): 

Every woman on this board (and the few men that had popped in here and there) have felt this way.  I felt this way. It will pass.  It will take time and some adjustment but when you think about all the different types of families there are out there, it's a little easier to start accepting the "non-traditional family" you will have.  I felt like I failed my DD when I was pregnant.  Not because BD wasn't there (before BF entered the picture), but because I was pregnant and keeping a child from a dude who I should have never had any business getting pregnant by.  Being a single parent has some bad stigma on it, but really, it's not bad.  It actually made some things easier for me because I didn't have to consult with anyone about anything, nothing on where I'd deliver, or what the name should be, none of that. I have to get back to work but I'll be back on tomorrow morning!  Much love!

lubaTO

My meeting with BD yesterday went downhill really fast. We met at the midwives' office and the appointment was quick, all is well. Then we headed to eat at a restaurant.

At first we talked about our relationship and what went wrong (aka what I did/said wrong) which was unpleasant but it showed me for the millionth time how difficult and deranged he is. Then when he suggested we talk about how things will work out in the future with the baby, things somehow exploded. He started off by asking me If I plan on taking him to court. I said that no, I don't want to, but if I need to I will. I'll do what I have to for my baby.

I can't remember all of the conversation but I remember snipets of him saying he doesn't want to have an agreement in writing, because he doesn't want to be told when he can see his child, and what's the purpose of the agreement if I don't ever plan on going to court. He said "you'll get more from me if we don't do any agreements". Asked "how much money do you want" Said if I sue him, fight in court, etc, he won't be in DS's life at all. And a bunch of other mean and strange things..

He got very angry and for some reason I didn't get upset and even smiled at how ridiculous he was being, it was so absurd. He swore at me for laughing and at the end asked me to leave the table and contact him once I've prepared my agreement. 

I left and that was that.

This morning feel extremely confused and wonder if I should call him and smooth things over, or let things cool off for a while. I'm questioning whether or not I really *do* need an agreement. He makes good money and yes, I do want my child to have what he is entitled to but at the same time money is just money. I'll be okay without his money....  So other than CS, I don't forsee another reason to fight in a court. Only other reason would be if he decided to fight me on custody. 

I've researched how custody works here and I'll have "de facto" full custody unless there is a court order. So perhaps it's best for me to leave agreements, lawyers and courts out of it??

20thirteen

lubaTO said:

Our appointment and meeting on Friday went well. Baby boy was super active and we got a cute ultrasound pic of his little face BD and I had a friendly lunch afterwards and everything was smooth. 

I have to see him again today. I have a midwife appointment and he's coming. 

He sent me a rather cold message this morning that he'd like to speak with me after so if I could "please make sometime to do so". His words. I find his tone very odd, especially since we just saw each other and were normal/friendly. So I'm unsure what to expect but perhaps he wants to start those serious conversations so I'm going in prepared. Wish me luck!!!!

It's weird and really off-putting that he'd be so friendly one minute and so cold the next.  Like I said before, I think it would be beneficial if you were to take a break away from him. Even if that means you two only see each other at these appointments or if you ask him to not attend.  However, the "serious conversations" (which I assume are about child support or visitation/custody) that he wants to have, I would have at least one other person with you when you guys talk about it.  I work in a lawyer's office and it's always good to have a witness to the conversation.  Whether it be your mom, a friend, or even the therapist, it would help you most to have at least one other person with you.  This way there is a buffer between you and him and if he's asking for more than he should be getting or trying to screw you out of CS that would help your child, that third person could pipe in and remind him that that isn't fair to the both of you (as in you and your DS).  Tread carefully, though, I see more red flags the more you talk about him  I want to keep you/your DS safe.

lubaTO said:

I'm really unsure about what to do with baby classes and the actual delivery. From one side I really want him there but that is still me wanting-him-in-general talking. I'm not going to decide right now and give myself some time to adjust and deal with the situation. I just want the most stress-free delivery possible so very likely that won't involve ex's in the room! 

If he wants to be "more than a weekend dad", he'll benefit from baby classes, no doubt. However, the more I hear about your situation, the more I think it'd be better if you two took them separately.  Plus, it'll help to detach you from him the more you do things independently from him.  And, again, the hospital or birthing center (wherever you choose to have the baby), they will cater to you.  Even if you wait until DS is crowning to tell them to get BD out of the room, they'll do it.  They are there for YOU/DS.  Also, if you feel it'd be easier to have a friend or family member in the room, you could do that too.  My mom was in the room with me.  She laughs every time we talk about it because she said all I was saying to her was "this sucks!" and at one point I accidentally called her an asshole because I thought I smelled food and it was her tea. Haha.  The nurses that came in and out of my room, they were so great and they made me feel so comfortable, even when the contractions were really bad.  They kicked everyone out to the waiting room when I asked.  This experience is a life changing experience, and for you to be stressing out because some dude is being a dick, it's just going to make the event something you won't enjoy. And you'll regret that.

lubaTO said:

I am moving in with my mom this weekend, and it's become more emotional that I thought it would be. I'm up crying almost every night, hating the way my life is turning out, feeling like I failed, etc. I'm hoping these thoughts will pass.... 

It'll probably help to have my mom around so I don't wallow in self pity.

And I wanted to come back to this. It's ok to be sad right now, these feelings are pretty normal for single pregnant women.  You haven't failed, though.  If everyone's life went the way we all planned, the world would be a very different place.  I never, ever in my life thought I'd be a parent. I was so anti-children that when I got pregnant, I thought I had cancer because I had no idea that what I was experiencing were symptoms of pregnancy.  Sometimes I miss being childfree, but in the next second, my DD does something so incredibly heartwarming that I completely forget all about what it was I missed when she wasn't here.  You'll get there, too.  And when you look back to this, when you were so upset, you'll think "look at how far I've come".  It's a process, you'll rock through it.  For now, hang in there mama-bear.  It will pass, but you have to work your way through it.  Good luck to you!

And let me know how everything went at your appointment!