"Grandma Rules" Book

jferrer1212

As I get closer to our little girl's due date, I'm becoming more & more open-minded. Yes, of course we are grateful for help. Yes, we are appreciative of hot meals to come, maybe some help tidying up, & moments of sanity to take a hot shower. We are lucky to have great families (but they all can get a little TOO much lol).

However, what are your absolute rules to "comply with" for the grandparents, family & friends?

I know first & foremost, my one non-negotiable is: you are not allowed to post pictures of our LO out for fb or other social media. If we decide, that's different, but you are not going to overshare OUR personal stuff. I know there are more RULES, but that's my first one lol. How bout you guys? :-)

willashbaby

You are not to show up at my house unannounced or without invitation. I will not open the door  

enkb

No one takes the kid away from me until I'm ready immediately after birth! I know dad and grandparents will be desperate to get their hands on the baby as soon as they can, but the first hour or two of bonding and figuring out breastfeeding are time I need uninterrupted and right away!

CaraBoonie

I don't really have any for my mom...I trust her implicitly, she knows me well enough not to do anything that I wouldn't like, and we agree on like...99% of things about babies, and life, and I am happy to get any help she's willing to give, plus our relationship is one where I will tell her upfront if I'm pissed, and things will change immediately, we don't hold grudges quietly. Now my MIL...lives over 2,000 miles away, so we shouldn't have issues often since she hardly visits, but I am a little nervous since she has very different ideas of how to raise children than I do, so I hope I don't HAVE to have a talk with her about how my kids will not be raised religiously and will essentially be liberal American children (she's foreign, so she has different cultural ideals for parenting). But, once again, she lives so far away, and doesn't have the money to visit more than once or twice a year, so it shouldn't be an issue often, if it's an issue at all. If it becomes an issue, it's DH's job to shut it down.

ntyravgsp

If you're coming to stay with us and "help out" for a week after the baby is born, do not expect to be treated as a houseguest whose only job is to hold the baby or play with DD.
@enkb we made sure the nurses gave us 3 hours after DD was born before allowing visitors in. It was the best part of the whole hospital stay.
Eta words

TifVB

If you are coming to visit us in the hospital...call first...and absolutely positively no kids around the baby until she is 6 weeks...except the baby's sister.

SummerFall03

+1 for not just showing up to the hospital or home unannounced !!

Dear Mother in Law: I respect that you have raised your own kids before, and you know a thing or two, but we will be doing our parenting OUR way! Feel free to throw some experiences our way, but do not push your beliefs, agenda, rules or ideas on us if we have simply told you 'no'!

ashs88

@ntyravgsp I completely agree! If you are staying at my house you are going to be expected to actually help out. Not just hold the baby every possible chance, causing me to have to pry her away when it's time for feeding or naps, and then act like I'm the bad guy because I'm trying to get my baby on somewhat of a schedule. And don't just sit around the rest of the time watching TV while I cook and clean up after you! This was a major problem with the in-laws when DS was born.....

AlabamaWorley

Not worried so much about my mom/mil, as they are very good about boundaries, but for everyone else...

Do not show up unannounced at hospital/my home. Text or call, it's rude.

Hand sanitizer before touching the baby.

Don't expect to be waited on/entertained.

Don't ignore my other kids just because of the new arrival.

Monilee1017

I have don't really have any. If you want to sit in the waiting room while I'm having a c-section that's fine with me. Once I'm in my room you're free to come in. When I'm at my house come if you want to see the baby, I don't care if you tell me beforehand. I just had a baby and have two others so my house may not be clean, I don't care. But I'm pretty easy going. My friends and family stop by all the time, must of the time they let me know they are on the way, which means they will be here in less then ten minutes. I don't care. They know how I am, I believe close family and friends aren't guest. So if your hungry eat if your thirsty get something to drink, I won't serve you go in the kitchen yourself.

jferrer1212

I love so many of these!! I'm really really really going to try NOT to be a B, so I'm learning boundaries are super important but also to pick your battles (some stuffs not worth it, but not to compromise on the stuff we really feel strongly about). Keep em coming!!

As this will all be a new experience for us, gonna try to go with the flow. But in laws kinda scare me with the overbearingness lol. It's so true, at least for me, there's nothing like your own mom (trust 100%). But definitely having our own few hrs alone with baby before parents come in. THAT'S for sure ;-)

ljalmeida

Come and visit for as long as you would like once baby is born... As long as you stay in a hotel. Our house is closed for an undisclosed length of time once baby arrives to over night visitors. I know myself and I know I will be cleaning up, changing sheets, cleaning floors etc because the traffic and extra mess in the house makes me nuts. Normally it's fine I just chalk it up to how I am and don't let overnight extended stays bother me. But after I push out a baby and am adjusting to being a FTM? Oh heck no. I don't need that kind of anxiety in my life.

mamakculb

I'm pretty easy going. In the hospital, I'm fine with any visitors, doesn't matter if they give notice. Our nurses were great last time at making someone wait if we were being checked up on or something. I never felt like I was over exposed or anything. At home, I like at least a few minute warning that you're on your way over. My MIL tends to be the most frequent visitor, but her visits are short and usually come with gifts or food so that's always nice. Most everyone else gave us more notice so I didn't feel like I had people just dropping in all day. What I was pissed about last time was out of town guests that stayed with other family for a week but wanted to spend hours at my house each day and/or bring their older kids over for hours too. They came when DS was 3 days old. It was way too much and I had to put my foot down. There was a lot of "I'll watch the baby so you can do laundry, etc" um, no. I've waited 9 months for this baby and I pushed him out. I'm gonna spend time with him. They tried to drop their kids off with me to be watched and I just had to say no. Just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm a free babysitter!

nlwz123

Honestly, I'm not all that worried about either sets of grandparents.  We live pretty close to both families, and they have always been very respectful about calling before they come to our house and knocking on the door.  Granted, this is our first baby and the first grandchild for DH's parents, so who knows how it will ACTUALLY be, but I feel like they will all be very respectful of our space.  

ChrissyD1203

I live 2 hours from my in-laws and 6 hrs from my mom, I'm worried my mom is going to make me feel guilty if the ILs get to see the baby more (which just by virtue of the distance, they probably will). My rule is no guilt-trips.

jferrer1212

@ChrissyD1203 I love that, NO GUILT TRIPS lol. @kristanoah omg I can't believe ppl tried to leave their kids with u, or brought them over to a newborn period. People are way too much in the world. Does Noone use their brains anymore? Yikes!!

teaformeplease

No visitors without a flu shot or pertussis vaccine!!!

stephaniearthurs

I'm going to have to figure out what to do. I currently live in a different country then my family, so for the most part it will be easy. However, I will have my mom, step-dad, 2 brothers and possibly sister and brother in law staying with us when baby comes. I don't mind at all since they are very self sufficient house guests and they will help me with cleaning and food and we have already talked about making a bunch of freezer meals for after they leave). My only concern is that I'm going to want to be selfish with the baby. I want them to be able to hold and snuggle him too, but he's mine, I made him (I think they will understand that though). My mom will come to the hospital with us, but for the delivery and first moments I just want it to be my husband and I. I haven't talked about it yet but I don't think she will have a problem with it! I will also ask my hubby and see if there is anything he wants to add.

Last night he did say something I found very touching that I wanted to add. His mom passed away very suddenly almost 2 years ago. Last night I asked if it was ok to call my mom (we were watching something and I wanted to pause it) and he said, of course talk to your mom whenever you want too, because he can't and he wants to. So call your mom whenever you can!

carlyhammond

This will be my first child, so I have no experience... It's also going to be my moms first grandchild...
My rule is: what I say goes. I've contemplated on making a guideline sheet for my mom when baby is born. Because I know my mom will become overwhelmingly annoying (she's already getting to that point, she's excited)
I've decided no soda for my child until he's old enough, not even a sip. My mom will be the kind to give him tea.. Stuff like that.
A heads up before visitors would be nice- so I can at least put a bra on.

mch9191

I told my husband I wanted the first few hours just for us, he remarked then the family will have to be waiting for a few extra hours in the waiting room. I pointed out since everyone lives within 5 miles of the hospital, we could always set the expectation that we will call when we are ready for visitors...after all if I'm the one going through labor, I damn well don't want to turn around and have to visit with family and share the baby. I want that time for us to bond together.

Hipshaker

+the flu shot and tdap vaccine! I just broke the news today to my mom. No kids except for big sister. And you must call before showing up to my house or the hospital. It's just common courtesy.

Emott13

My MIL's husband likes to randomly pick up DD and just walk off. Outside, upstairs, down the street... Drives me absolutely nuts. As soon as LO gets here we're reinforcing some rules, like "don't randomly f***ing walk off with my child".

Also, it may be super nit-picky, but I hate that MIL forces physical affection on DD. DD is very independent and sometimes doesn't even feel like touching me. I am very anti-physical contact personally so I hate that MIL forces physical affection on DD. I know that it would make me feel super uncomfortable. I don't want DD to feel like someone is allowed to force her to show them physical affection.

DH sees nothing wrong with these behaviors and refuses to address them with his mother, but if he doesn't say something soon, I will. And neither he nor she will like how I say it.

anightintunisia

No photos of my daughter on your social media, l mean it. No showing up unannounced or uninvited. And NO MEAT!

kmo8986

mch9191 said:

I told my husband I wanted the first few hours just for us, he remarked then the family will have to be waiting for a few extra hours in the waiting room. I pointed out since everyone lives within 5 miles of the hospital, we could always set the expectation that we will call when we are ready for visitors...after all if I'm the one going through labor, I damn well don't want to turn around and have to visit with family and share the baby. I want that time for us to bond together.

Our family policy last time and will be the same this time was no one at the hospital at all until we were ready for visitors. I didn't want a whole crew of people in the waiting room during labor making me feel pressured to let them in during the laboring or right after the baby was born. If we have to call when we are ready I feel much less pressure and get to enjoy the first bit of time with my little family.

hannahduff3

I don't really have any yet for the near future except for I agree with a PP about not allowing people in the room right away. I'll get very annoyed if everyone's trying to pass my child around when I barely got a chance to meet him. I do know I'll have rules for the future as he grows up. Mostly for my mother in law (who I know is less likely to follow these rules). Those would be limited junk food (my mom will be watching him while I finish nursing school so of course some bad food occassionally is to be expected) and no juice caprisuns pop etc. I want him to be on the track to a healthy lifestyle as best as I can manage. My mother in law has the worst diet. I am also putting my foot down about electronics. He will not become obsessed with electronics if i can help it (fingers crossed) which seems to be the current trend.

BarrettJ89

My FIL is the worst for this. I love the man, I do, but there is no one in this world who drives me to insta-B*tch mode faster. He loves to randomly show up at my house to see the kids. And he doesn't just come to the front door and knock, like a normal human being; he will go into my back yard and knock on the window! He has no idea why it bothers me. Then he complains about my dogs... and he insists on giving my step daughter kit kats, nonstop. We are having a hell of a time getting her to brush her teeth, quit giving her junk! He also has a tendency to get up in my son's face (son is terrified of him) and try to take him from my arms. Nope. Not gonna fly.
Moral of the story: ask before you show up, do not go against our rules, don't complain about my dogs (they live here, you don't), and for the love of God, do not rip my child out of my arms, ESPECIALLY if they don't want to go to you in the first place!

samara267

The only big one that I have is once the baby is born, unless you are dad or involved in my care, you must leave my house immediately until I give you the ok to come back. I'm having a homebirth and live next door to my parents so sometimes the boundaries are a bit fuzzy. I want at least 2 hours with just me, baby, and my husband (and the midwives since they stay for a couple of hours to make sure everything is ok). Everyone else must leave. Period. Not up for negotiations. 

Blueyedsky

Ooooooh all of me is cringing at the thought of how I'm going to deal with the in laws when they come. They are nice people, but boundaries and understanding basic social needs aren't their Forte.

No visiting until I'm ready after the birth. I haven't decided what this means yet for me, but for sure the first couple of hours after the birth are going to be just me and hubby and baby. Maybe I'll be up for visitors after that? If so it'll be a short visit until I'm more settled in with things.

Not my job to entertain you or be a gracious hostess during this time. Help yourself to food and drink, but good grief I won't be fluffing your pillows and finding things for 12yo and 9yo brother and sis in law to do.

Not even sure what else to add in order to nip some stuff in the bud now, but I'm sure it'll come to me lol. It's already stressing me out, so I might have to make a rule that only my MIL comes to see the baby when she's born, and the rest can visit much later (they live 12 hours away).

teachmegs817

My Dad and I got into a little argument when I first became pregnant, because I told him that I will ABSOLUTELY be furious with him, if he posts that the baby is born before we decide to do it, on social media.  My step-sister gave birth last November, and no joke I think as soon as he heard the cry coming from outside the door, he posted on Facebook; "Babies here!" and checked himself in, that he was at the hospital.  I even said something to him that, that wasn't his right to do that. She wasn't initially upset over it, but later on mentioned that it was rude and wasn't too happy.  He got upset with me, when I made this request, but I said it's not your decision, it's up to us, to decide when we want to make that announcement. My other request is going to be that people need to call/ask to come over and see us first, before showing up or expecting it to just be okay to "stop by".  Being due in the middle of the lovely Upstate NY winters that we have been having these last few years, it's been dreadfully cold and we will not be bringing the baby out under any circumstance, unless it's for a Dr.'s appointment. 

BarrettJ89

@teachmegs817 oh, so with you about other people announcing it first! My FIL told my boyfriend's brother (whom we haven't spoken to in 3 years with good reason) we were pregnant with our first baby after we specifically told him that it was our news to share, not his. We set up boundaries about letting us announce it first, which he promptly ignored. He also told his family over seas, which immediately got back to everyone here... I was so mad!