Need some advice on handling my Friend's loss - *Trigger warning*

ljalmeida

This is so hard for me to write and think about, I am absolutely devastated for my friend, I can't imagine what she and her husband are going through. Last Monday night my girlfriend who was 36 weeks pregnant went to the hospital for cramps, thinking she would likely give birth early as they were getting more intense. When she got to the hospital they found the baby had no heartbeat and she was induced to deliver her son only to say goodbye way too soon. It's not fair. It sucks. There was no rhyme or reason for it. She has had a healthy pregnancy all along (or so they thought). They had a private funeral for their son on Saturday, and now the healing process has begun, but I don't even know how you begin to heal from something like that. The worst part is that we are at a point in our lives that many of us are pregnant. I'm only a few months behind her, another friend just gave birth. How can we be there for her without causing more pain? I've obviously already reached out and let her know that we are here for anything she needs, and I've sent a memorial manolia tree and cards, but other than that I've tried to just give her space and time. I don't want to give her too much though, and have it misconstrued as avoidance. I don't know what to do or how to approach this. It's just so sad, no one deserves this. sorry for the slightly rambling message, there are just never the right words and I can't even think about this without getting emotional.

Krisdee123

I'm deeply sorry about this, and regret that I dont have any advice or experience on this matter. As a courtesy to some of the ladies here, would you mind putting a trigger warning in your title as this is a very sensitive subject. Particularly for women here who have had a similar loss. Please understand, I'm not being rude, just looking out for others.

I hope the best for your friend and wish you well in dealing with this.

charliesmommy6

I don't have any experience on this particular loss either. But I know when I lost my mom some people had food delivered to our house and it was much appreciated. Maybe a small tray of subs or wraps or a salad so they can keep it in the fridge and eat a little whenever they want. I'm so sorry for your friends loss, it is heartbreaking and I can't even imagine their pain.

MssyMmmy

I agree with the previous poster. Food is helpful. Space to let them grieve and support if they ask for it. I will keep your friend in my thoughts and prayers. I can imagine this must be difficult for you also.

MississippiCatfish

I would send a card that says much of what you wrote. Acknowledge her loss, and how difficult your pregnancy may be for her to think about. Let her know that however she is feeling about you and your pregnancy is a-ok. This is what I did when I let my friend who had recently experienced a loss and was having trouble TTC know that I was pregnant with my third. I felt so guilty over my happy news (I didn't say that because it wasn't about me) and dreaded the conversation, but she told me how much she appreciated that I put myself in her shoes while still acknowledging that I have no clue what it's like to be in her particular shoes.

ETA- sorry, just realized I was lurking in jan16, I'm from feb. sometimes my iPhone opens the wrong board.

ljalmeida

@krisdee123 - Thanks for the advice, I can certainly understand how this can be an extremely sensitive subject and I don't want to cause anyone else pain... I'm slightly illiterate when it comes to forum lingo, I just simply wrote "trigger warning" on the title - is this ok? Thanks again

willashbaby

Honestly this is my biggest nightmare. I think you've done the right thing. How close of friends are you two? If it was a close close girlfriend I would be reaching out but leaving things in her court. If it was just a friend/acquaintance I wouldn't go so hard and would probably leave it at what you have already done and wait to see if she reached out or needed anything. Unless you are someone who has been through something similar there is no way to relate to this so I think you being quiet and just listening if she needs to talk is the best route.

mrsgetz4000

I think you are doing the right thing, sometimes we need space. If she knows you are a true friend she will come to you. You sent her cards which is nice. I always give baked goods or foods that freeze well for comfort! I'm so sorry for your friend

ljalmeida

@willashbaby she is more than an acquaintance for sure and we've been close but only the last couple of years as we didn't know each other earlier. We met through friends at work. We went from talking baby all the time and future play dates to this. So this is where I'm struggling so much to be a good friend. I simply don't know how to at this point. I want to take all of her hurt away but even being around is probably multiplying it at this point. And I know what you mean about this being your biggest fear. I absolutely can't imagine and I know as moms and moms to be we worry naturally, but this has brought on a whole other level of paranoia. I just hurt so much for her and it's so unfair she has to go through this. That anyone does. Thanks to everyone for the advice. Baked goods and home cooked meals seem to be a theme here so I think that's what I'll do. Maybe just drop them off or leave them with her parents or something so she can have her space until she is ready.

maureenmce

A friend of mine miscarried since I've been pregnant and one thing I've done is made it so she doesn't see any of my pregnancy related status updates or photos on Facebook, because she mentioned specifically that seeing pregnancy photos and updates in her newsfeed was really hard for her.  (She never asked me specifically to do this, but I just did in general because of what a hard time she has been having re: pregnancy.)  And seconding the sending food that freezes well.

But other that that, wow, just what a terrible situation.  I'm so sorry for your friend.  Losing a baby that late is such a nightmare.

Grace213

I've been in a situation similar- except my best friend gave her baby up for adoption. Everything you've talked about is great! I had DD shortly after she announced her pregnancy to me and I let her know I was there for her if she needed me but I understood if she needed space due to not wanting to see me and DD because of everything. And that's what she needed. Some healing. She eventually came around 6 months after the adoption and let me know she was ok and wanted to finally meet DD.

It's sad, and really hard wanting to share all your happiness and joy but can't to be sensitive to the other person. My daughter was a year old when my best friend finally met her. A whole year I wanted to share while it was happening but I know I couldn't. All you can do is be there when they're ready to come around again. ❤

MeghaJake

I also have a friend who lost a baby recently. She was pregnant with quadruplets and had them at 26.5 weeks. One of the babies died after 10 hours. I have sent her a couple FB messages and a food basket from the funeral home website. I have a card in my purse and a gas gift card so she can visit the other babies that I bought two weeks ago but haven't yet sent because I don't know what to write. Sorry I don't have much advice. I feel like I am in the same spot. I have tried not to contact my friend too much, but like you, I wonder if she thinks I'm avoiding her.