Second time (or more!) mom fears?

.Kelly.

The first time mom fears post looks pretty cathartic. Any second-third-fifteenth time fears?

Our first little guy is autistic. With my age (35) and DH's age (47) I'm afraid that we may have another child with autism or a chromosome abnormality. I'm also dreading the hellish first couple of weeks after delivery. 

finnybooboo

First and foremost, I'm just worried about whether baby is going to stick or not (or is even in there quite frankly!) I'm nervous about juggling a newborn and a toddler. I never want to make my first born feel like she's being replaced. I know how stressful that first few weeks are at home, and I worry about me getting frustrated with her as she gets used to the new life too. Money is scary too - 2 kids in daycare is no joke, but unless we wanted them 5+ years apart, it was going to happen.

My fears are definitely different this time around. I'm not as scared about the birth (will be having a repeat c-section), and now that I know how difficult those first few weeks are, it alleviates some fears, but creates others (ie: doing it with more then 1 kid!)

JessicaB0627

I am most worried about how DD (2.5, will be 3 when LO is born) is going to react. She's the only grandchild and has an extremely close bond with my dad. I really don't think DD is going to handle that well at all.
I'm worried about trying to juggle a newborn and a toddler at the grocery when I can barely handle the toddler sometimes. I'm worried about taking time away from her.

I think my biggest, most irrational fear is that I won't love my second child as much as I love my DD. Everyone says I will and it won't be a problem, but I just don't understand how I'm going to love anyone else as much as I love her.

nsouplynn

I am most worried right now especially the first trimester. So much can happen in the first 12 weeks. I keep wondering if the baby is going to stick. Will we see a heartbeat at the ultrasound? When I was pregnant with DD, I was actually so calm and laid back. When we announce with DD, I was only about 7-8 weeks along. Now, I don't want to announce it till we are past 12 weeks because I am just so worried. 

Second, I'm factoring in expenses with daycare and health insurance. I'm just trying to process that. DD really wants a little sister but I am so worried she is going to act out because what if we had a boy. For the first (almost) 5 years of her life, it's always been us three. I just hope she adjusts well. 

kmalls

First of all, I love-titted everyone for support. I certainly don't "love" that you have fears!

@.kelly. - You and your husband's ages are very close to ours. I'm 33 and DH is 46. I totally, completely understand your fears. I guess the only thing to say is that everything is out of our hands at this point and all we can do is stay positive. Big help, right?!

@JessicaB0627 I don't think your fear is irrational at all! I look at DS all the time and think "how could I love anything as much as this." Then I remember I felt the same way about my dogs before DS arrived

My biggest fear (I guess more concern -- I'm not exactly fearful) is around an RCS. The recovery wasn't horrible last time but I'm worried this time will be so much worse. DS will only be 15 months old when this one arrives and I'm dreading those early days when everything HURTS. I feel like it's going to be really hard to keep up with everything!

JessicaB0627

@kmalls I hope your RCS goes smoothly! I was about 1 hour from a CS when DD decided to make her appearance. I am so scared of having to have one! I know I would be fine, but OUCH!

helleebellee

I, too, wonder if there is even anything in there. I have plenty of miscarriage risks going on right now, so I'm expecting the worst. I'm worried about the fact that I have to have lovenox throughout this pregnancy and the risks that come with it. I don't think I'll stop worrying until baby is in my arms.

diabeticmom

Ditto here on miscarriage. I don't think I'm going to breath until week 13 hits.

mariaalene

1. That I won't love one as much as the other.

2. That second baby will be preterm. First baby (now 10mo) was born at 28weeks and I'm afraid that its gonna happen again and we'll spend another 3 months in NICU

3. That second baby will be full term and we get sent home after 2 days. With my first baby she was in NICU for 3 mo and they trained her and put her on a schedule of when and how to eat and sleep. She was preprogrammed when I got her. If second baby is full term I have to figure it out on my own.

Now that I'm really thinking and getting myself all worked up...

4. That I'll get fat. I wasn't very big last time so if I have a full term baby will I be able to lose the weight? Fat runs in my family especially after kids. I've always been the oddball skinny one

I know labor will probably be more difficult. First baby was 2lbs and practically slipped out of there (only 6 min of pushing). And I'm kinda concerned about the pain/tearing/aftermath of a REAL 7 lb baby. But my epidural was awesome last time so I'm kinda hoping I won't feel anything again

I kinda feel like I have FTM worries bc my first never felt like a real pregnancy or a real birth.

mcvgal

Right now the first trimester is what scares me most. Aside from that I worry about being outnumbered by the kids now. I know DS1 will be great because he loves DS2 so much and is so caring. I worry about how DS2 will react to not being the baby anymore.

kbrands7

@finnybooboo I'm right there with you with being worried that my first born will feel jilted. Right now, he's all smiles when we talk about a baby because he loves babies, but he's only 17months so I'm sure he has no understanding of how it will impact his mama time.
@kmalls I'm also looking at a possible RCS.
I pushed too hard after DS and tore open my outer incision a little...and ended up with way more scar tissue than I'd hoped. My doctor has told me that with my adhesions it's probably not a good idea to try VBAC and that he can clean up some of the tissue with an rcs. I know what to expect now at least, but I'm worried that I'll hurt my healing process by chasing around a 2 year old and caring for a newborn. I'm anticipating asking my mom for a lot of help.

Eta: I'm afraid of the back to work transition again. Last time it set me bordering on depression, and pumping consumed my lunchtime and early mornings (I'm still glad that I pumped though). I got very little sleep because DS reverse cycled too, so most of the BF happened overnight. DH is looking for a new job and I really hope that it will put us in a position where I can take a year sabbatical.

alijeff2313

I have to agree with most moms out there...the first tri scares the crap out of me. I have a ton of symptoms, but is there really something in there?? I fear that I won't make enough time for DD who will be 2.5 when this one comes or that I will get frustrated with her when she tries to help. I also fear that she won't want anything to do with the new baby. I am hoping these are all irrational! 

lest12

The exercise thread brought up one of my biggest anxieties.  I was pretty traumatized after delivering DS.  It took weeks & months to come to terms with it, but I don't think I'm still emotionally healed.

I've always laughed it off and say "Next time I'll just schedule myself an appointment and then I won't have to worry about any of it!"

But now that it is a reality, I'm realizing how much the whole thing bothers me.  All of the old feelings are coming up

kbrands7

@lest12 ::hugs:: I agree. I'm so glad that you and mvcgal posted there because it gave me the gumption to jump in. That thread really bothered me too. Csection questioning/guilt/whatever you want to call it can be such a killjoy. I remember being happy that my water broke before my appt, so I still experienced labor...but it also made me so tired and nauseated before I even got into surgery. I'm really trying my best to focus on the outcome of a healthy baby and reminding myself that I know I can heal.

autumnlynne1221

I also very worried about early loss. Aside from that I'm worried my 4 year old DD will feel pushed aside. Right now she has all of our attention but that would dramatically change. I'm just worried she won't handle the change well.

emmajlu

I have 5 sons between the ages of 21 years and 18 months and this is my last baby. One of my biggest fears right now is how my toddler will react to not being the baby anymore. Another is PPD. Each delivery has come with worsening post partum depression and I'm already anxious about this baby's birth. I'm pretty much expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

kmalls

@lest12 I had been avoiding that thread so I just checked it out. I'm literally shaking with the ignorance of that comment. I had a pretty traumatic birth experience as well and it's amazing how one comment can trigger all those old feelings.

Pepper6

I'm extremely nervous about having 2u2 (they'll be 23 months apart).  My DD didn't sttn until the week before her birthday, and is now teething, so she's back to waking up again, so I'm worried about the sleep deprivation and what to do if they are both awake in the middle of the night.  Or if the new baby cries and wakes up DD.

Also, with my salary, it just doesn't make financial sense to pay for 2 kids in daycare, so I will be a SAHM once this baby comes.  I was working full time, but recently was cut down to 2 days a week and while I love being home with DD, I'm also already finding it difficult to keep her entertained.  So trying to entertain her while taking care of a newborn is kind of freaking me out too.  Especially since we'll essentially be trapped inside for the first 5 months or so because it's just too hot.  Even after that, just the logistics of trying to go anywhere: getting 2 kids in/out of car seats, feeding the little one while keeping an eye on a toddler, etc.

I'm excited to complete our family and I think once they get older, it'll be great having them so close in age(my sister and are are only 18 months apart), but I'm just having some anxiety about the newborn/toddler stage.  

LittleBit3042

The unknown is scary so that's mostly what I worry about: affording two children, will my DD love the baby, will I be separated from my newborn again and hospitalized, how am I going to take Lovenox for 8 months, etc, etc. 

Mysticalwine13

I had a CS too..hugs mamas. We did what we had to do and at the end of the day, we got to take home a baby and that's what is most important. 

I am worried about my DD. When i ask her if she wants a little brother or sister, she shakes her head no (she's 2). I want to have enough time for her, but also worry about her acting out and then me getting frustrated with her.

Worried about 1st trimester and whole pregnancy. Pregnancy isn't my favorite, so many worries. 

Worried about daycare with 2 kids and the $$$. 

Worried about not sleeping again. DD was/is not a good sleeper. I have visions of being up in the middle of the night with two kids and then having to go to work the next day. Yikes. I got through it once though so I know I can do it again.

hellogoodbye2

I wouldn't say I am in fear of a 2nd baby, but I am definitely feeling anxious. We have such an awesome schedule with my daughter and I know that it's going to get crazy once the new baby is here. How in the world will I divide my time and love between 2 kids?

Bluejay3030

I have so many of these fears that you ladies have mentioned. I'm sorry we're in the same boat but glad I'm not alone

At the top of my list is probably fear about having another bad sleeper--DD gave me a run for my money and still has bad nights sometimes. I'm also terrified of another long recovery while managing 2 kids. And then there's breastfeeding. That was a huge struggle last time and for a while involved a hybrid of breastfeeding and pumping at every meal. It consumed my life for 2 months and almost drove me crazy until I got the hang of things. Ugh, I hope that's easier this time around.

elandric

I can empathize. I didn't understand how I could love another child like I did my ds but dd is no different, there will always be enough love to go around. I worry about juggling 3 routines as well as little people. I'm not looking forward to the newborn exhaustion phase while caring for them all.

lest12

@kmalls @kbrands7- Sorry that you guys also had a not-so-great experience.  I know the feelings that can come up can be rough.  I guess I will just keep thinking about the end game!

 

 

BabyVDM

My biggest fear is the reaction I am going to get when people find out I'm pregnant again.  Shortly after the girls arrived my mother told me l'd be a fool if I tried again. 

She is a not a nasty mean opinionated person, she said it out of concern for my health and wellbeing due to the issues I had during my twin pregnancy and trauma during the delivery. She will be his biggest fan once he gets here.  She will fall in love and not even think about the risks we took but until then she will probably not be too happy for us at all.

Work will be an issue.

I lost all my closet friends when the babies came as they are all single and have no children (by choice). 

I am worried about finances, the fact we don't have a car big enough, house big enough or a lot of time for saving for retirement.

But we were in a "now or never" situation and decided that trying for this boy was more important than all those other things.

JessicaB0627

@Bluejay3030 I'm worried about BF too! I had a bad experience with DD. She never latched, ever. She went 36 hours after being born without eating because the LC told me not to give her a bottle. They think she wouldn't latch because she was "late pre-term". I ended up exclusively pumping for a couple months but couldn't keep up. I'm hoping for a different experience this time!

nsouplynn

@Bluejay3030 - Ditto on the bad sleeper. I'm so worried that I might get another terrible sleeper or if this child will have acid reflux. My DD had acid reflux so she didn't sleep well through the night for the first 6 months.And co-sleeping. That's ALL we did with my daughter and sometimes I wish we stopped it sooner. I said I wouldn't co-sleep with the next baby. 

DanandVan

I have so many fears. Lets summarize.
1. Afraid of mc after 2 losses last year. Very fresh to me still. God forbid, if we lose this one we are done.
2. This will be our 4th child (not counting mc, as I still consider them my children). My oldest will be 11! I will have teenagers and toddlers at the same time. I will have 4 kids and schedules and homework and practices and how can I be everywhere at the same time and how will I ever get enough shoes to fit that many feet!?
3. Terrified of having a repeat c section. I had 2 vaginal births followed by c section with the 3rd (because even though she was head down, she wasn't as engaged as they'd like, so you know, just cut me open then.) It was an absolute nightmare. My blood pressure dropped so fast I nearly passed out. They pumped some drug into me that kicked it up so high I almost passed out. I don't remember her birth, bled so much I needed a transfusion. I threw up for 24 hours, ripped stitches, got all kinds of infections (along the incision, UTI from catheter, which they told me I did not have, so turned into double kidney infection). My scar still hurts 2 year later. I love my daughter but I can't even look at her hospital photos. Please don't make me go through that again... Especially when labor/recovery with my 2nd was like a dream in comparison.

Wow, that was cathartic. Thanks for the vent. Deep breath!

chottomotto

I'm worried I'll have another baby who never sleeps. My 2nd was up every 2-3 hours for a bottle and a diaper change for 11 months straight. And he screamed SO LOUDLY. I really hope this baby is a little easier!!

I'm also worried about keeping up with the 2 kids I already have. I'll have 3 kids and only 2 hands!

countrygrl5533

-Selfish, I know, but I'm worried about the lack of freedom. My DD is 3 now so I have a fair amount of freedom back. I'm not ready to give that up and it terrifies me.

-DD was a great sleeper. I'm afraid that this one won't be.

-Generally afraid of being outnumbered since I'm a SAHM and am alone with DD a lot.

kbrands7

@bluejay3030 I did hybrid BF and pumping too until he finally got in a BF groove around 1 month. Holy moly, I felt like a milk machine and nothing else month 1! I hear you on the lack of sleep too! DS night weaned a month ago, and now at 17 months he's down to one, usually brief, night wakeup. He had been getting up every two hours despite different sleep-teaching efforts until he was 1.
@danandvan that sounds terrifying. You're so strong to have recovered well from it! My section scar still hurts in places too, and is numb in places. I've heard that rcs tend to go more smoothly. I'm hoping it's true : )

Bluejay3030

@JessicaB0627 - Bless your heart for managing to EP for a couple of months. To this day I still can't stand the sound the electric pump makes! Also, I know the mean well but the LC I talked to at the hospital told me I'd be lucky if my daughter ever latched because of my nips. I went back to my husband crying!!! I still hate her lol. Gosh, I hope we both have better experiences this time.

@nsouplynn - I feel for you! We also co-slept for way longer than I wanted to just because I was so tired I couldn't function.

laurenmdrn16

I know others have said it, but even now when I imagine the future, it is just my husband, my son and me. I can't even fathom what our life will look like in say 5 years with a 7 year old and a 5 year old. Going back to school shopping for 2, having 2 different picky eaters, maybe having a boy and a girl.

It seems so small, but how do I start picturing life as a mother of 2? And how do I make sure they both feel loved and special? Mothers do it. Heck, my mom did it and is still doing it to this day. I never felt like she was comparing me to my sisters or favoring one over the other, but...and this sounds terrible...I get along so well with my son. What if this one has a personality that just doesn't fit? We are nerdy and musical and introverted. What if this one is a party animal and we hold him/her back? I know how to provide challenges and stimulation for my son because we speak the same language. But what if this one is just so different?

I know we will figure it out, but things are just so easy right now. I am afraid we will mess up this good thing we have going.

But I know we are adding to our family, not taking anything away.

Bookhousegirl

Hugs to everyone here! Reading this makes me feel so much better about the fact that, as much as I'm really excited to be having number 2, I am equally petrified!

So many of my fears have been said...
- having a healthy baby first and foremost
-Juggling two children, I feel like I'm finally feeling like I can handle most daily situations with DS (18 months) but I have no idea how I'm going to do it with 2. How do I go to the grocery store?! I was there today and tried to figure out the logistics but it just freaked me out more!
- Finances are definitely scary, trying to decide if daycare is even worth it anymore.
- My husband changed jobs this past spring, which was a huge help with the finance piece but he now works in the city so he commutes everyday and gets home late, so I'm going to be on my own a lot more this time.
- and SLEEP! We were incredibly lucky with my son, he was an amazing sleeper from the get go, but I'm so afraid of how I will function if that's not the case this time around.

Bluejay3030

kbrands7 said:

@bluejay3030 I did hybrid BF and pumping too until he finally got in a BF groove around 1 month. Holy moly, I felt like a milk machine and nothing else month 1! I hear you on the lack of sleep too! DS night weaned a month ago, and now at 17 months he's down to one, usually brief, night wakeup. He had been getting up every two hours despite different sleep-teaching efforts until he was 1.

@kbrands7 - It sounds like we had really similar experiences the first go-around! My daughter will be 2 in December, and it was a long road getting her to sleep well. I was convinced for a long time that she would be an only child . Everyone says that every child has his/her own set of struggles--I really hope BFing and sleep are not on that list for baby #2!

ETA: DD still has bad nights sometimes... I really hope I didn't jinx myself by talking about how much better it is now :-?

NMason505

1)Getting GD again. I didn't have it with my 1st, but did with my 2nd. It was such a pain in the butt. Having to poke my finger. Tracking my glucose #s. Being considered high risk, which equalled a lots more appointments and NSTs. 2)Figuring out sleeping arrangements for 3 kids in our small three bedroom house. We were suppose to be moving in the spring, which is likely not happening now.

mello13

This is such a cathartic thread! Thank you ladies for sharing.

My fears include...

1. Miscarriage. I have family members that have had 3rd trimester losses, and that terrifies me.

2. Loving another child as much as the first. Which I realize is ridiculous because I myself am a second child!

3. Another preterm birth and all the complications I faced as well during that time.

4. Life in general with two kids. Schedules, finances, sibling jealousy, a newborn and a toddler.

doozer1345

emmajlu said:

I have 5 sons between the ages of 21 years and 18 months and this is my last baby. One of my biggest fears right now is how my toddler will react to not being the baby anymore. Another is PPD. Each delivery has come with worsening post partum depression and I'm already anxious about this baby's birth. I'm pretty much expecting the worst and hoping for the best.

I've always been scared of this and voiced it to my doc last time. I don't know if this will comfort you like it did me but he said the fact that I'm aware and concerned about it gives me a leg up on the control of it if it happens. I hope you won't have to deal with it this time.

JackieH102

This is a great thing to discuss.  Fear is normal!  

My Fears:

1. Please God let this baby be healthy like my DD was.

2. I'm having a planned c-section since my doctor says is safer then a VBAC.  Not looking forward to healing from that again, but if the babies healthy I'll get over it.

3. I will have 2 kids!!!  A 4 year old daughter and a newborn.  Luckily my daughter will be old enough to be a great helper.

4. This is shallow of me, but I gained 50lbs with my DD...I lost it all.  Obviously I'm not going to just eat whatever I want this time, but getting fat again is a fear...shallow I know

5. I hope I don't vomit the whole pregnancy like I did with DD.  It was horrible!  So far at 5 weeks nothing, but I didn't start getting sick until 8 weeks with DD.

6. Very nervous about the pregnancy in general until I see it's heartbeating on the screen at the 9 week ultrasound.  I need to hear and see it to be OK.

We are all scared of something...it's normal.  I think the trick is not letting it ruin how awesome it is to be a woman and be able to carry a baby.  We are all very lucky to even be pregnant....there are so many who would kill to be in our positions.  That's the thought that keeps me upbeat even if I feel sick or start to worry.  Positive vibes