"Sharing" the Baby

dtspmama

My husband and I live far away from our families (thank GOD) and everybody is posturing for when they're going to come down after the baby is born, who's going to stay with us, for how long, etc.  Today, my SIL told me that she's coming down two months after the baby is born because she "refuses to share the baby with anyone."  I am really pissed about it, but don't know if it's just hormonal or if this is a normal thing for people to say (I'm a FTM).  Do normal people say this stuff?  I'm just tired of everyone acting like our baby is going to be theirs!

alandaim

It seems pretty normal to me. If I lived far away and was visiting my new niece or nephew, I would want to make sure there weren't a lot of visitors there at the same time since then I wouldn't get as much time with them. To me it wouldn't be worth the trip. People have said this to me, but I never thought they were thinking of my child as their own.

Edit- grammar

SummerFall03

I think it's normal. My brother just had a baby, and I look forward to when I get to have some one on one time with my niece. I don't want to take away from others, so I wait till there are only a handful of people there. I can understand your frustrations, but at least she is waiting a few months till everyone can get settled right? Right after having a baby, it can be overwhelming when people are around. I WISH my IL's would visit a few months later!

Blueyedsky

It's probably normal. You wouldn't want her there with everyone else anyway. If you're getting overwhelmed, speak up!

TacoSarah

I said that to my sister when my nephew was born (not quite in those words though). I waited until all the other family members had been and gone so I could go on my own and spend time with just them.

She appreciated it as her partner had gone back to work and all the other visitors had gone, so she was on her own.

ashs88

My SIL still says this about DS and he is almost 3. Most of the time when we see her it is when other family is around and I know she feels like MIL (her mom) kind of hogs time with DS. She really likes the times when she can visit and have time with DS to herself, which I can totally understand. I would actually welcome having visitors spread out. When DS was born we had so many visitors in the first few weeks that it was just too overwhelming and it made it harder for us to get into our own routine with baby. I am thinking about making a rule this time to not have more than 2 overnight guests at a time.

ariasbabyblog

My MIL does this, calling my son "her's" and it drives me nuts, but it is probably normal. He is the only grandchild on both sides, so both sets of grandparents were very excited and still are. She also calls him her big boy and her little man and all sorts of "her" whatever. I find it very irritating. It's nice that she is willing to wait 2 months for everyone else to leave off, but she should not be telling you this, I feel you and your DH should be setting the visitation schedule. If you still want people coming to visit 2 months later, it is up to you.

SummerFall03

ariasbabyblog said:

My MIL does this, calling my son "her's" and it drives me nuts, but it is probably normal. He is the only grandchild on both sides, so both sets of grandparents were very excited and still are. She also calls him her big boy and her little man and all sorts of "her" whatever. I find it very irritating. It's nice that she is willing to wait 2 months for everyone else to leave off, but she should not be telling you this, I feel you and your DH should be setting the visitation schedule. If you still want people coming to visit 2 months later, it is up to you.

My father in law calls my kids "his boys". It enrages me because we do NOT have a good relationship, and he does whatever he wants with my kids. Glad to know I'm not alone in that situation!

ntyravgsp

At first I misread and thought you said SIL was coming to visit for 2 months! I was like, "aw hell no!" Lol.
Anyway, I think it's normal for everyone to want more personal time with you and your LO. 2 months will be a little easier on you too, because you'll be used to taking care of your baby at that point.
But I agree with the PP who said to speak up if you're feeling overwhelmed. You live far away so you're not used to having family up in your space all the time. Have your SO run interference and scheduling with his side of family if need be, and don't be afraid to tell people if you're not up to having guests.

Emott13

SummerFall03 said:

ariasbabyblog said:

My MIL does this, calling my son "her's" and it drives me nuts, but it is probably normal. He is the only grandchild on both sides, so both sets of grandparents were very excited and still are. She also calls him her big boy and her little man and all sorts of "her" whatever. I find it very irritating. It's nice that she is willing to wait 2 months for everyone else to leave off, but she should not be telling you this, I feel you and your DH should be setting the visitation schedule. If you still want people coming to visit 2 months later, it is up to you.

My father in law calls my kids "his boys". It enrages me because we do NOT have a good relationship, and he does whatever he wants with my kids. Glad to know I'm not alone in that situation!


I am so glad that I'm not the only one bothered by this! Coupled with all of the unwarranted advice and enforcing "grandma rules" rather than following what I tell my MIL our rules for DD are when we visit, and I want to smack her. This is not "her" baby, it's my husband's and mine. Drives me nuts.

jferrer1212

Aw man, family!! Gotta love them ;-) I'm a FTM, and many many times I've thought about starting a post exactly as above mentioned "Grandma rules". Mentally I would like to make a little book or list of what is /is not allowed. Anyone with me? Lol

kaym6

My mom always makes jokes (I hope they're jokes) about how she "isn't sharing the baby with anyone" I know she's totally kidding and is just sooo excited for her first grand baby but sometimes I want to tell her if anyone is going to be "sharing" or not sharing the baby it's going to be me. I of course don't say this because she's kidding but that phrase has really started to irrationally irritate me! Lol

dtspmama

Thanks for all of the replies.  DH is pretty good about setting boundaries (his parents are NOT staying with us after the baby is born, but my mom is) but everybody else is referring to this baby as if she's theirs, and that just really pisses me off.  I have a good relationship with my SIL, but she's never had kids so I tend to get a little bit weird when she acts possessive of this baby.  

Also, she's been emailing me all day to tell me that she's "going to dress the baby how she wants when she visits" and that she knows DH will back her up.  So she's not doing herself any favors by heaping this on!!!

stephanienjer

@akrenelk I can speak from the sister side of things that it is very exciting to get that first niece or nephew. (For me, it's the ONLY, and will stay that way.) My sister lives on the other side of the country, and I only get the opportunity to see her and my nephew once a year. My mom is very territorial with my nephew, and for lack of a better term, she likes to pimp him out. She would rather strangers get to enjoy her new prize than allow me to spend any real quality time with my nephew. She's gotten so out of hand, that she actually moved to Cali to be closer to him, much to my sister's dismay. 

This summer, my sister came home to visit, and spent almost all of her time with my family or my father. We both agreed that my nephew was bonded so much more with us after this one visit, than in all the visits in the last 5 years. Previously, because my mother dictated who came and went, my poor dad only got one day to spend with them. Additionally, if I wanted to spend any time with them, I'd have to stay at my mother's house just to be in the same vicinity. So I get it about not "sharing." I don't even have any pictures of the two of us together for the first two years my nephew was alive. 

I definitely don't think she means sharing with you. Hopefully, she'll be respectful of your time with your child. It may be out of consideration that she is waiting, too. Those first few months, baby gets so much stimulation from people that love the novelty of a new baby, it might be easier for her to bond later.

It's my nature to play devil's advocate, so please don't take offense to this! 

ntyravgsp

akrenelk said:

Thanks for all of the replies.  DH is pretty good about setting boundaries (his parents are NOT staying with us after the baby is born, but my mom is) but everybody else is referring to this baby as if she's theirs, and that just really pisses me off.  I have a good relationship with my SIL, but she's never had kids so I tend to get a little bit weird when she acts possessive of this baby.  

Also, she's been emailing me all day to tell me that she's "going to dress the baby how she wants when she visits" and that she knows DH will back her up.  So she's not doing herself any favors by heaping this on!!!

I see. That really bothered me too when DD was born. It calmed down a bit as she got older, and it's much better now that she's a toddler (and we moved away for DH's job).
Nip it in the bud now, because I agree with you, it is odd and not saying anything to someone like that will probably be misconstrued as passive consent - "you didn't say no, why are you so mad, etc." Even just something along the lines of, "she's a baby, not a dress-up doll; she'll wear what we (me & DH only) decide is appropriate for her," would be better than not saying anything.

Mommyduclos

I would try to take a different perspective here and try to feel blessed that everyone is so excited and wants to love on your baby. You are going to want that! Also realize that everyone is perfectly aware than your child isn't their child but he (using he for simplicity- I don't think you mentioned a sex) is still "theirs" he is their nephew, grandchild, etc. and the fact that they want to be involved is awesome. You may need to set boundaries, sure, but I see the emotion behind this as a good thing. Trust me- when your little one is 2 months old you will be thrilled to have someone so excited to snuggle/ play with him so you can nap, shower, drink a cup of coffee, whatever else. If they interfere with mommy time then yeah that'd be a problem but for now just be happy they are excited. That's my perspective anyways. Glass half full sh*t

lwebley

I don't share either

mamakculb

It's totally normal for people to say this, but it is annoying to hear over and over. My MiL is the one who wants baby to herself as much as she can. She's pretty good about backing off if I push back a little though. I would say it's a lot nicer for your SIL to come a month or two later than when you've just had the baby. It'll be a nicer visit and you'll feel more yourself.

emzy86

Our families are already debating over who is going to have the baby when I go back to work, which won't be until at least May-June! Great that they all want to help, but let's just back the F up here and take one step at a time. I fully intend to be seeing a lot more of my family, and the possibility of locking the doors to my in-laws when it gets too much.