Third-Party Reproduction

Are you telling your child about donor conception

dawnie0022dawnie0022 member
edited September 2015 in Third-Party Reproduction
hi everyone
This is my first post! I am 16 weeks pregnant with an anonymous donor egg and my husbands sperm. I have two of my own genetic children who are now 17 and 14.
I have always believe in telling the child and have already told my children about the donor.
Only issues I have is the donor is anonymous and I worry that the child will want to meet the donor and can't!
Is anyone else in a similar position?

Re: Are you telling your child about donor conception

  • Yes, same. We decided to tell her right away w age appropriate terms . Like its No big deal . But I regret not being able to contact the donor in case she ever wants to. I feel like we robbed her of that choice.

    My heart is as open as the sky.
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  • My 1st transfer is next week, but I also plan on telling the child in an age appropriate way from the beginning. There are some beautiful stories about it is just part of their birth story and they want the parents to tell it again and again.

    I signed a doc saying I will never try and find the egg donor. But I understand that there are sites for ED babies (once they get older obviously) to talk to each other and try and find their half siblings. I don't think they can be prevented from that. I hope my kid doesn't really care.
    *****Losses Mentioned*****BFP MENTIONED*****ALL WELCOME******ALL ABOARD!!

    Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
    Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
    Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.

    DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!

    Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!

  • We are currently only 3 months pregnant with a known donor sperm baby (my brother in law!).
    we definitely want the child to grow up knowing about it.  like it was no big deal... and actually such a fantastic generous thing!

    but we haven't figured out HOW yet.  I'd like to find a way to incorporate it into a little origin fable that we can gradually add details to.

    something like how mommy and daddy wanted a baby so much, but no matter how much we tried, we just couldn't find one.  then uncle M decided to help us look and with all of our love and power we able to find you!
    and then once they start asking questions we can get into more of the mechanics.

    but that's not exactly right.  and my bro in law has his own family and definitely doesn't want to come across as a father, as that's my husband!  so we have to tread carefully.

    anyone know of any books?

  • mmmmkay

    Have you talked to a specialist about this? Or discussed it with your IVF clinic? [We had to talk to a counselor as a matter of course. One of the hoops.] Since your situation is so specific and more complicated than an anonymous donor, I would find a professional who deals with this sort of thing. Maybe your clinic can help out.

    There is a book. And I have absolutely no idea what the name of it is! It didn't seem very friendly to me, so I didn't get it. "Finding our families" may be a bit lighter.
    *****Losses Mentioned*****BFP MENTIONED*****ALL WELCOME******ALL ABOARD!!

    Me: 42, DH: 46, Married: 11/12
    Losses: MMC#1 11/12 BO, MC#2 11/13 at 8w BO?, MMC#3 8/14 chromo healthy M @12 weeks, stopped growing at 10.
    Negligible AMH, FSH finally went high. Pursued DE.

    DD born at 38w2d on 5-27-16. Finally!!

    Pregnant again with OE. EDD 11/9/17 Girl!

  • Hi, hun! This is so natural you're thinking about all these kinds of things. When we were at the initial stage of our treatment I guess I had dozens of self-questions.

    I may sound rough, but I did not worry about the donor really. The way they stimulate donors is so much more gently than they would someone doing ivf for themselves. So the impact on donor's body, and especially future fertility is not compromised. Also I would be absolutely happy to adopt if the path was more straightforward. But as you know, it's not as easy as people think. Lots of people think it is unethical to adopt from abroad. I also agree that its hard to accept spending so much money on this. But then gosh, people spend that money on clothes!!! Or any other material stuff - surely that’s a lot more disturbing!

    The issue I personally struggled with most around anonymity is whether it is right for me to deny my child the opportunity to find out about/even meet their genetic mother in the future. Maybe he won't want to, but I wonder if I need to give him the chance if he does want to. Particularly since the amount of info given about the donor is so huge...We've passed DE IVF in Ukrainian clinic. Our donor was a lovely girl of 26 yo. Very attractive and with proven fertility of course. She had 2 nice twins herself..Here I should say my previous thought had changed radically. I was entirely thankful to this very girl wanting to share her eggs with us. So the question is still open for us, our baby boy is only 11 days now, but I tend to feel more that I'll be open about this...

  • My friend with triplets from an egg donor uses a cake analogy. She borrowed an egg to make a cake. Also stopped her snippy sister in law who would periodically say things like "they're not really all yours". 

  • I'm 10 weeks with a pair of donor sperm/ my egg IVF babies. They'll know early on, I have the donor's info packet for future reference and he's an "open" donor so the kids can try to contact him after thei 18th birthday. I'm also in touch with a group from our bank- we know another couple using our donor now and we'll have the donor sibs be "pen pals" and probably meet as well. 

    I'm definitely of the "tell early" camp
  • If the child learns the secret of his origin, and she is far from what he would like to believe in, then this, of course, will be a psychological trauma for him. But her strength will depend on how much love is in the family where he is raised, and not on the fact of birth. Here it is worth remembering
  • There’s a series called The Pea That Was Me that has several different versions tailored to different conception stories and is written very well. You can pick one that focuses on donor sperm. 
  • seeds_of_joyseeds_of_joy member
    edited July 2022
    It does happen to be quite traumatic when you find out at age 35 through a DNA test. I know this first hand and the law is starting to catch on too. Nothing that is hidden will stay hidden. It's damaging to lie to your children.

    You may plan to tell your child early on(which is great) but there's a chance that their anonymous biological father will be narrow minded and inconsiderate which may be just as harmful. But I think it would be much worse if they are faced with a double whammy of knowing they were lied to and then be rejected by the man who helped give them life. I forgive everyone for following bad advice back in the 1980s but it's still a pain that forever needs healing.
  • I can't help with personal experiences but once I came across the interview with Carmen Martinez-Jover who got pregnant using DE. When her kids were growing up, she could not find the way how to explain their origin, and created books with a cute bunny to start talking with them. Here is the interview, hope you will like her books :) 
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