Husband hesitation with TTC

craftykel88

My husband and I have only been married 1.5 yrs now and I have really been having baby on the brain lately. I would say since 6 months into the marriage I have been talking, and talking, and talking about having a baby and my husband has been talking about pushing back the month on when we TTC. In May we decided September we would start TTC. In August there was hesitation because I am now going to be starting a new job in September. 
To me personally, I really don't care that I am starting a new job I feel like I want to start TTC. It could take months, years.... or it could happen right away, no one knows. My husband keeps saying that we should wait, push back the date, maybe be there a year before we start. I just can't take it... I want to start now. I know that sounds selfish. I was just wondering if anyone has any advice for me... 

LavenderBrown1018

My husband is the same way. It all makes him nervous and he goes back and forth on whether he's ready or not. I know he's taking the decision very seriously. I sat him down and we had a long discussion about how his flip/flop decisions were hurting my feelings and getting my hopes up. So we finally set on a date of Winter 2016. We just pushed it up though. I've found that writing down my feelings and then reading from a bulleted list really helps me express myself so that I don't forget anything. I also know that my husband is a lot more comfortable with the verbage "NTNP" than "TTC" so I use that phrase instead.

bmo88

craftykel88: Well, it takes two to have a baby. If one person isn't ready, then it should be a no go. It's a bummer, but if he isn't ready to be a father, it's probably best that you both wait. 

Do you know why he wants to wait specifically? If he really isn't ready for personal reasons, then it's best to wait because he become resentful of you and/or the child. It's possible he is just nervous, but if he is talking about pushing it back a year, then my guess is there is an underlying concern. Are you financially stable? Is your relationship solid? Does he feel old enough? Have you talked with him about his concerns/fears rather than focusing on your desire to start TTC?

Also if you are starting a new job this month, do you know the maternity policies? Some places require that you be there for a year before you are eligible for FMLA or maternity benefits. So if you are going to return or want to be eligible for paid leave (if they offer it), then you should probably wait at least 3 months after starting the job to ensure you hit the one year mark.

FWIW, I am on the one who has baby fever, but is making the choice to postpone. DH is down to TTC at any point, but we both sat down and had a serious conversation about it. We set clear financial, career and life goals we want to accomplish in the next year so that we are comfortable with having a child. It has worked well for us to get on the same page.

Marriage is about compromise and communication. As frustrating as it may be, it doesn't serve you or your marriage well to be selfish and try to force something on your partner. You can and will get to a compromise if you communicate and create common goals and a timeline. Then, hold each other accountable to it as well. 

lovearoo

My husband was the same way. It started to make me angry, frustrated and hurt my feelings! We had a sit down and talked about it - he was really nervous. He wanted to be sure he would be a good father, he wanted to make sure we could afford it, etc... He needed some reassurance from me that this would be a good decision and we could make it work. Now he's on board!
Maybe you just need to get to the root of his hesitation? I totally understand how you are feeling....

IB113

Lurking from TTGP.  My husband had hesitation as well because he is a planner and it is a big life change to decide to try to have a baby.  We had been talking about it for a few months and then at the beginning of a week, I asked him if I could take him out to dinner to discuss the future and kids that Friday (which gave him lead time to get his ideas, feelings, questions, comments, etc. in mind).  When we were out to dinner, I asked him if he wanted to hear my case for trying now, and he agreed smilingly.  My personal reasons for having a baby sooner than later include: 1) the size of the family we want, 2) our ages, 3) our careers (most jobs require you to be there for 12 mos in the states to qualify for parental leave-- this is something I think folks sometimes forget), 4) and child spacing.  To be honest, I think he had decided before we went out that night that he was on board, but it felt nice for both of us to discuss our concerns rationally, in a time and place we set aside, rather than over dirty dishes and chores at home.  It was a nice way to start the journey, and I would recommend trying to make the decision time and process special and memorable too, especially because we don't ever know where this journey will take us or when.  Good luck!

MrsRo731

I can relate to your situation, except I was the one who had doubts. We had made a plan for when we'd start TTC and when that time came I freaked out. I felt like I wasn't ready and got very scared; however, after talking to DH I realized I would never be 100% ready. I'm a worrier. I worry about everything. I would always have an excuse for why it wasn't the perfect time. The amazing (and worst) thing about pregnancy is it's 9 months long and you have time to prepare yourself for what is about to take place. Obviously your DH may not be completely ready and that's ok, but he may just be scared of the unknown. You should definitely sit down and see why he wants to wait. He may have some legitimate reasons for waiting, such as qualifying for FMLA or financial concerns. GL!

emmaaa

My husband has been hesitant as well. For him it is because he wants us to be in a "perfect" place in our lives before have children. I just don't believe there is ever a PERFECT time for a baby and you're never 100% ready. We are starting actively TTC in January but aren't really preventing so much now. 

It is important for both parties in on the baby making be on the same page. You should talk with him and find out why he wants to push it back and be prepared to do so if he isn't ready. Because there is a difference between being hesitant and not be ready and not WANTING to.

KSMcClary

Wow!  Yeah my husband is the same way.  We have been together for a long time now so I have had baby fever for just about as long.  He wanted to wait a full year after marriage before we even start thinking about kids.  I was ok with that for the most part even though I didn't see a good reason to wait.  After that was decided, I was asked to be in one of my best friend's weddings!  I told DH that I wanted to wait until after her wedding which gave him about a year and a half instead of just the year.  He assumed I wouldn't bring up babies at all during that time.

I figure I am ready to go in October since I really won't need to worry as much about the dress not fitting at the end of October.  However, there is another wedding at the end of May which I am participating in, so pushing it back to Nov or Dec will work better.  I keep bringing it up and letting him know all the stuff I have been finding so we sort of have an idea of what to do and all that. He starts freaking out a bit.  All I get out of him is, "Stop talking about babies 24/7."  I basically tell him the only cure for baby fever is a baby!   He says he will be ready when he is ready and talking about it won't help my case.  I told him to be prepared because come October 1st, the discussion gets FULLY opened and we are making a plan!   So ya know, fingers crossed! 

I do wish I had advice... just know you are not alone! 

Blonde1817

I can definitely relate!  My husband is definitely a planner, especially financially, so he would be fine with waiting a lot longer than I want to!  I also started a new job in July, so we will not startTTC until probably December, so I can be sure to qualify for FMLA.  It sucks, but it's definitely important to me to have those 12 weeks at home with baby.  Hang in there!

Lysta85

My bf first wanted to wait until he was 30 (that's 2 years ago) and after that we where figuring out how to make it work financially for me being a SAHM. We found out last year that it's not doable and then he proposed. So again waiting. 

He finally agreed to start TTC in december. First he didn't wanted to start right away, but I told him to expect that it will take about 6 months. So why not starting in our wedding month. If we are the lucky few who get pregnant the first try then we still won't know at the wedding. And telling him we aren't gonna have sex 3 times a day or rushing home at the first sight of ovulating also set him at ease. He gave in. 

He also admitted he's scared he won't be a good dad. He (and me too) is not comfortable with babies from other people. We don't know what to do with them. My dad is still like that, although he has 3 daughters and a son and he never felt uncomfortable with us. He said that it's different with your own babies.

JenandJosh1310

My husband is reluctant due to finances as well. Though in his defense for nearly most of our relationship i didnt think i wanted kids and this past year ive realized i really really do- so he was a bit shell shocked as well. Ive asked him if anything else made him hesitant and told him a billion times i wasnt being forceful about this and id respect his opinion either way. He mainly seems to be afraid the money aspect. Weve been dealing with some unexpected house issues for about a month and its scary how expensive it is! I think its making him even more nervous but we are also really trying to be as frugal as possible and rebuild our savings after we get this issues taken care of. Im not pushing anything right now and hes even said "if we have a baby" so im hopeful! Haha

satuttle1014

lovearoo said:

My husband was the same way. It started to make me angry, frustrated and hurt my feelings! We had a sit down and talked about it - he was really nervous. He wanted to be sure he would be a good father, he wanted to make sure we could afford it, etc... He needed some reassurance from me that this would be a good decision and we could make it work. Now he's on board! Maybe you just need to get to the root of his hesitation? I totally understand how you are feeling....

This was like my husband. Before we got married and shortly after I said I wanted kids somewhat early since I wanted to be a younger mom and he was like when we are 30 we will try, we are both 26. I said try at 30?! I didn't know if it would happen right away or take a year, etc. I think all men get nervous and are hesitant because like you said, he wants to make sure he is a good father, we can afford it, etc. I told him 1. you will be a great dad, nobody knows how to be a parent until it happens and 2. Babies don't need every single thing in the world, just budgeting will work. He is concerned about college and I said, let's put a little away each month and it will add up by the time they are 18. They definitely need to be reassured. 

We ended up pushing up our TTC date, originally we were probably going to TTC around Nov/Dec of this year. We constantly talked about it and we looked at everything and just communicated about what we wanted. One day he was like when you finish your pill pack, don't refill it. Men are nervous but secretly excited about being a dad and the idea of having a child got him all excited so we pushed up our date. I just wouldn't push your husband but maybe bring it up from time to time just in conversation, etc so he sees how excited and happy it makes you to talk about babies and maybe his mind will change, my husband's did.