Guests asking whether I was pregnant before my wedding

brimac90

So my mom and sister planned a baby shower for me and as guests call to RSVP they are asking whether I was pregnant at my wedding. Mom and sister never told me outright but I had one person ask me (my mother-in-law), which I was a little surprised by, but then maybe I shouldn't have. The back story here is that we're a military couple and after dating 5 years we got engaged. We took two years to plan our wedding and had been wanting to start a family after waiting so long. We were using NFP and once we realized that I would be ovulating on our wedding night we took a couple of weeks to talk about it and figure it out and we decided that if it was meant to happen it would. Well, it did! We were so happy and overjoyed but once we started sharing with people we got this reaction, which was shocking to me because I thought people who know us best would be supportive and understand that we wanted kids, not to mention that it's really nobody's business if we were pregnant before. Has anyone else had this reaction from "friends" or family? How did you deal with it? I'm not a person that likes attention so this is making me want to put a halt to any shower. 

Thanks in advance for your advice!

Designermomma

This didn't happen to me (We had kids 9 years after marriage) but It would be a surprise for most people for you to be lucky enough to get pregnant so soon. I would just respond with "1st times a charm!" or TMI them with "I can't believe how lucky we are to conceive on our wedding night. We thought we'd have to wait a long time before being blessed with such a miracle" or just say "We're just lucky I guess" it's none of their business really but it is surprising. You are extremely lucky and fertile apparently. I'm surprised your MIL asked you though. Why doesn't she talk to DH?

onefootinthebayou

I find it shockingly vulgar that your MIL or anyone would try to pinpoint when you conceived. That's so personal! I would actually say, "Um, it's really inappropriate that you would ask that", followed by silence. Would it be uncomfortable? Yes. But why should you be the one to be made uncomfortable by someone else's lack of tact? Perhaps such a blunt response would actually make her think before speaking? If you think that's too harsh, I might suggest, "I don't feel comfortable discussing that", and then promptly change the subject.

When I returned to work from my wedding, one of the executive directors (a big, powerful guy) said "Welcome back! You pregnant yet?" I stopped what I was doing and stared at him in silence. He sheepishly apologized and has never mentioned my personal life again. Sometimes a direct response is best.

Good luck with the Nosey Nellies, hope you can get the message across that the moment you & H had sex is not up for discussion.

Monilee1017

You don't have to come out and tell people and people shouldn't ask you either. But once you tell people your due date it only takes about 2 minutes to determine if you were pregnant before your wedding. People like to gossip and I won't be surprised if this is something people talk about. Many people in my family were pregnant or had kids before they were married, I don't care but I find it funny when people lie.

VOR

I'm floored that people (plural) are asking this.  WTH!?!?!  WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER?!?!?!

Be prepared - if people ask, I'd look at them quizzically and say "Um, why are you asking that?" and if they do anything other than say "Oh, yeah, sorry" and try to actually GET AN ANSWER, I'd say "That's really actually pretty personal information and I'm not comfortable discussing it". 

There are some baby related questions that are still prying but I feel like they are more of a "what's next in your life" kind of inquiry.  Some people find them intrusive and I can understand that perspective, but I still feel like it's just a "gotta talk about something" kind of thing (I'm talking about general questions like "Oh- now that you're married, do you plan to have kids soon?".)

But there is something about asking "Were you PG at your wedding?" is just crossing a line. I think because there might be some unspoken judgment there and it's just really NO ONE's business at all. 

neverblushed

A great response might be something like this:

"No.  I was not pregnant at my wedding.  I'd give you all the intimate details, but that would be awkward for both of us, so you'll just have to take my word for it."

I'm sort of appalled that people are asking about this.  Geez!

fwtx5815

Gross. I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

I expect that we will get some of these responses when we tell a wider circle of friends. Right now I'm 14 weeks and we've only told immediate family. Our wedding was 5/8, and we conceived mid-June. Technically, because I ovulated super late (CD55) I did get pregnant on the same cycle of our wedding but it was several weeks later. My stepdad did ask if I was KU at the wedding when we told him and my mom, math isn't his strong suit, bless his heart. We love him though and we didn't take offense, but if people ask us that we're less close with, I don't know yet how we'll respond. It'll probably be something along the lines of "you want to know exactly when my H ejaculated inside of me during sex? Awkward!" And walk away.

MrsFL2015

I think people are asking because they wanted to know if you were actually pregnant at the wedding (and didn't tell anyone) and not because they want all the details of when it happened.    I think of older relatives, like my grandma who is 95, that don't understand the fact that a bride was pregnant at her own wedding. I could see her asking something like this because it's something she just doesn't comprehend happening.  There are just some older people who aren't going to change their old fashioned ways of thinking just because it's 2015.  How old is your mother-in-law?   My step mother in law is in her 60's but is super old fashioned.  My mom who is also in her 60's is the opposite.   I could see both of them asking this questions because this is going to be their grandchild.  I don't think they want all the intimate little details, but I think most grandma's to be are like, "Hey, when did you actually figure out you were pregnant?" and not "When did you conceive?" 

As for other people, you can simply laugh it off and say, "No" or make a joke and say "Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't"    I think this is one of those situations where a little humor and joking around can go a long way in not providing a solid answer.   

onefootinthebayou

MrsFL2015 said:

I think people are asking because they wanted to know if you were actually pregnant at the wedding (and didn't tell anyone) and not because they want all the details of when it happened.    I think of older relatives, like my grandma who is 95, that don't understand the fact that a bride was pregnant at her own wedding. I could see her asking something like this because it's something she just doesn't comprehend happening.  There are just some older people who aren't going to change their old fashioned ways of thinking just because it's 2015.  How old is your mother-in-law?   My step mother in law is in her 60's but is super old fashioned.  My mom who is also in her 60's is the opposite.   I could see both of them asking this questions because this is going to be their grandchild.  I don't think they want all the intimate little details, but I think most grandma's to be are like, "Hey, when did you actually figure out you were pregnant?" and not "When did you conceive?" 

As for other people, you can simply laugh it off and say, "No" or make a joke and say "Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't"    I think this is one of those situations where a little humor and joking around can go a long way in not providing a solid answer.   

How is it anyone's business (or any better in some way) if people are asking if she was pregnant at the wedding vs. when she conceived? How is this even remotely appropriate? My grandmother was "old fashioned", so to speak, but she would NEVER ask such inappropriate questions. I just don't see how the asker's age is relevant at all. It's in poor taste to inquire about another person's conception, whether your intention is to creepily figure out when they boned or find out if she was pregnant during or before the wedding so you can judge her for being "impure". Just no. There is never a situation where this is ok or excused. Today in 2015 or back in the 50's.

fwtx5815

onefootinthebayou said:

MrsFL2015 said:

I think people are asking because they wanted to know if you were actually pregnant at the wedding (and didn't tell anyone) and not because they want all the details of when it happened.    I think of older relatives, like my grandma who is 95, that don't understand the fact that a bride was pregnant at her own wedding. I could see her asking something like this because it's something she just doesn't comprehend happening.  There are just some older people who aren't going to change their old fashioned ways of thinking just because it's 2015.  How old is your mother-in-law?   My step mother in law is in her 60's but is super old fashioned.  My mom who is also in her 60's is the opposite.   I could see both of them asking this questions because this is going to be their grandchild.  I don't think they want all the intimate little details, but I think most grandma's to be are like, "Hey, when did you actually figure out you were pregnant?" and not "When did you conceive?" 

As for other people, you can simply laugh it off and say, "No" or make a joke and say "Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't"    I think this is one of those situations where a little humor and joking around can go a long way in not providing a solid answer.   

How is it anyone's business (or any better in some way) if people are asking if she was pregnant at the wedding vs. when she conceived? How is this even remotely appropriate? My grandmother was "old fashioned", so to speak, but she would NEVER ask such inappropriate questions. I just don't see how the asker's age is relevant at all. It's in poor taste to inquire about another person's conception, whether your intention is to creepily figure out when they boned or find out if she was pregnant during or before the wedding so you can judge her for being "impure". Just no. There is never a situation where this is ok or excused. Today in 2015 or back in the 50's.

Yeah, I still can't figure out why it would be anyone's business if a bride was pregnant before her wedding took place, whether it's the baby's grandmother or a distant relative. Old people don't get a pass on rude questions.

Here's what I wouldn't find offensive: if a close friend or close relative asked me about the story of when I found out I was pregnant. The answer could, in a roundabout way, give some info about the timeline of when conception happened and it would be a lot less awkward. And it's also more in the spirit of sharing in the excitement rather than coming off as judgmental.

VOR

MrsFL2015 said:

I think people are asking because they wanted to know if you were actually pregnant at the wedding (and didn't tell anyone) and not because they want all the details of when it happened.    I think of older relatives, like my grandma who is 95, that don't understand the fact that a bride was pregnant at her own wedding. I could see her asking something like this because it's something she just doesn't comprehend happening.  There are just some older people who aren't going to change their old fashioned ways of thinking just because it's 2015.  How old is your mother-in-law?   My step mother in law is in her 60's but is super old fashioned.  My mom who is also in her 60's is the opposite.   I could see both of them asking this questions because this is going to be their grandchild.  I don't think they want all the intimate little details, but I think most grandma's to be are like, "Hey, when did you actually figure out you were pregnant?" and not "When did you conceive?" 

   

No, clearly they don't want the details of how/ when it happened, but JFC - it's still insanely rude to ask this question.  WHY IS IT ANYONE'S BUSINESS?  WHY DOES IT MATTER?  It doesn't.  There is absolutely no justification to asking this.

And being old/old fashioned, I would expect women like this to also recognize the types of topics that you don't ask/ don't talk about. 

To ask this question is to be nosey and judgmental.  Period.

VOR

fwtx5815 said:

 Here's what I wouldn't find offensive: if a close friend or close relative asked me about the story of when I found out I was pregnant. The answer could, in a roundabout way, give some info about the timeline of when conception happened and it would be a lot less awkward. And it's also more in the spirit of sharing in the excitement rather than coming off as judgmental.

This goes to what I was saying earlier.  There are people who get offended at "so, now you're married, are you going to have kids?" - they see it as asking about their sex lives.  And it just SO ISN"T.  I personally don't ask these questions but I very much see them as "so, what's next in your life plan?". 

You start dating, people asked if you want to get married.  You get engaged, people ask when they wedding will be.  You get married, guess what?  They're going to wonder about kids.  Then once you have kids, it might be "are you going to move?  Will they go to private or public school? are you going to buy a mini-van?".  It's just about what people see as the next logical step. 

But again, to ask "were you PG at your wedding?".  That isn't the same.  If they were asking "did you want to have kids so soon?", eh, I can roll with that.  But to ask about the state of your uterus at your wedding - it's just way too personal. 

 

brimac90

Thank you ladies for your input! I really had never even thought this would be a question from ANYONE. We were asked when we were thinking about having kids and our response was basically whenever it's in God's plan. Or course, that's a personal belief but really is the weirdest thing that people think just because we are in our mid 20's and got pregnant on our honeymoon it was unplanned or unforeseen and therefore we must have been hiding something before. Anyway, thank you for your responses. I will definitely take some of them and use them if need be. 

suteki325

Too funny, the same thing happened to my husband and I. We've been talking for a while about wanting kids, decided to start officially "trying" after the wedding, and I got KU on our honeymoon. So far I haven't had anyone directly ask me if I was pregnant beforehand (although I'm sure there's been talk behind my back - my family is very conservative and old fashioned). But I echo what PPs have said - it's really no one's business! I like the idea one PP had of shocking them with TMI, i.e. "We were so lucky to conceive on our wedding night!"

Kate0034

OP, just wanted to say (at the risk of sounding creepy) that I think it's really special and neat that you guys got pregnant on your wedding night! What a special memory. I'm so sorry people are ruining this exciting time for you by being busybodies. I personally don't like attention and I hate it when I feel like people are talking about me, even when I know they're being asses and all I want to do is tell them off! I'm still very sensitive. So I feel your pain. Just try to focus on the joy of your new baby as forget the crazy rude people!

Elsa1984

We had our daughter 5.5 years into our relationship, pre-marriage (we got married 8.5 years into our relationship). We were side-eyed by a lot of people, but I had to start taking what everyone was saying/asking and try and ignore it. There was a reason that we had a baby first, and it wasn't anyone else's business, nor was it a "Hey....lets have a baby, that sounds fun!" type situation. 

If people really care THAT much, they have way too much time on their hands. I would just pity them for not having enough of a life, that they are so focused on the date the sperm hit my egg.

ChiccoBeanz

You got some good responses from pps. I am personally very direct. I would tell my MIL about herself. I'd let her know that her inquiries are rude, disrespectful and inappropriate. That she offended me, and that I'm sure she probably has had this conversation several times with several people and that I am not okay with that. She can react how she pleases, but I personally find things like that to be on the path to bigger issues, hence my strong words. As far as the other guests asking, they'd get a "Does it matter? We have a blessing on the way and another reason to celebrate. Hopefully you will celebrate with us". (That's my nice response, I don't have patience for such nonsense).

prettynp01

I would just say no and God blessed us with a honeymoon baby.

violetigerlily

Just to add--if you got pregnant on your wedding night, if they did the math by your due date it probably puts the conception date really close to your wedding night.  I feel like these types of questions imply that they think the baby might have been a reason behind the wedding or that you knew you were pregnant at the wedding but you'd think that if they're doing that much work to figure out your babies conception date they'd realize you couldn't have known by then anyway or had it affect your decisions.  At least in my family the super conservative sides that would really side eye sex/pregnancy before marriage also are really into being "fruitful and multiply[ing]" ASAP after the wedding so you'd think they'd just be happy you got lucky in conceiving so early.  

Why are people so nosy? If you can't keep yourself from making assumptions, at least assume the best in people, keep your opinions to yourself, and move on.

PrimRoseMama

Oh dear. X_X

I'm a HAM person, but my duty to be polite would prompt me to say, "are you asking me about my sex life? Why would you ask that?"

Their stunned silence is so rewarding.

I've had the "were you trying?" Type comments when I was pg (surprise) with DD-- folks say some dumb chit.

DrillSergeantCat

PrimRoseMama said:

Oh dear. X_X I'm a HAM person, but my duty to be polite would prompt me to say, "are you asking me about my sex life? Why would you ask that?" Their stunned silence is so rewarding. I've had the "were you trying?" Type comments when I was pg (surprise) with DD-- folks say some dumb chit.

What's your response to "were you trying?" I get it all the time and I hate it.

ChiccoBeanz

DrillSergeantCat said:

PrimRoseMama said:

Oh dear. X_X I'm a HAM person, but my duty to be polite would prompt me to say, "are you asking me about my sex life? Why would you ask that?" Their stunned silence is so rewarding. I've had the "were you trying?" Type comments when I was pg (surprise) with DD-- folks say some dumb chit.

What's your response to "were you trying?" I get it all the time and I hate it.

Use the exact same line she just gave to the OP. It's suitable and the person asking would be embarrassed.