Family rants and raves: September!

HoosOnFirst

a thread for all things "relative"!

I'll start:

Rave: my dad finally met LO yesterday, and it wasn't super awkward! (We are semi-estranged so I wasn't totally keen on it).

Rant: I had to drive 3 hours to mark it happen, even though he is currently unemployed and so has no other plans.

MaliKaela

Rave: My MIL provides free childcare on Fridays!

Rant: She drives me bananas. I don't even know what it is anymore. I just can't freaking help but be irritated.

I know, I know. Shut up and be grateful!

Sammy K

We received a card for LO in the mail from one of my aunts this week. A little back info: she is married to my uncle, never had kids due to MS, has never been friendly to our extended family, but I have always tried to be nice to her. We always send Christmas cards, announcements, invites, etc, and I know most of my cousins don't. Anyway.

First, she complains about not having my address (it was on the envelope and I sent them a change of address card when we moved). Then she wrote "I really wish you had included a note. My mother always told me a card without a note isn't worth the stamp." She then complained about her health and gave me another reminder of her version of greeting card etiquette before saying congrats.

I was so ticked off. I know she never had kids so she can't understand how tough it is to handle a toddler and baby, and still send out 50 birth announcements. Was I really supposed to include a note in each? And for etiquette, how about opening with "I hope you're doing well" instead of complaining you didn't have my address and had to go track it down? DH asked if I am supposed to send an apology for the birth announcement. At least that made me laugh.

KaLikeAWind

Even tho MIL blocked me on fb (not unfriended, straight up BLOCKED), somehow its my responsibility to make sure she gets pictures of LO. I guess this is more of a DH rant-ish, but hey man - I got my family covered, why can't you do yours? Now I have to interact with your mom...ugh

virginiaunicorn11

Rave: after being away for a year, it is SO nice to be near extended family again! We've been having weekend bagel brunch with family, and I usually see Grandma a second time during the week. (DH rave: he puts up with this, and takes Grandma shopping and to her appointments!)

Rant:
My uncle who passed away... His girlfriend showed up to family brunch this weekend. She said all sorts of truly vile things that I won't get into.

I will stick with the petty, and say she cannot stand not being the center of attention. So she is jealous of LO and will seriously compete with the three month old for attention.
Example: Homegirl (who's in her 50s, mind you) insisted on holding her dog like a baby at the table, because I had LO. She made a big show of not having her hands free to serve herself or to help clear the table.

People are fascinating.

aj1327

@virginiaunicorn11 I laughed about the dog. Seriously. That's nuts. And funny. Not sure how your family kept a straight face.

Rave: My MIL is great. She loves the baby and helps us however she can. I know we're very blessed to have her.

Rant: My MIL gets on my nerves. I can't even pinpoint why. Honestly, I think some of it is that I just wish my own mom were here, and it makes me sad and weirdly jealous in a way that she gets all these moments with LO that my mom isn't here to have. Guess I need to get over myself! Ha!

virginiaunicorn11

amccoy129 said:

@virginiaunicorn11 I laughed about the dog. Seriously. That's nuts. And funny. Not sure how your family kept a straight face.

Rave: My MIL is great. She loves the baby and helps us however she can. I know we're very blessed to have her.

Rant: My MIL gets on my nerves. I can't even pinpoint why. Honestly, I think some of it is that I just wish my own mom were here, and it makes me sad and weirdly jealous in a way that she gets all these moments with LO that my mom isn't here to have. Guess I need to get over myself! Ha!

We would have laughed if it weren't for the horrible things coming out of her mouth! But on the outside, it's pretty funny, I admit.

You're very mature and insightful to be able to admit why your MIL annoys you. That takes a lot of humility to admit.
It's not the same at all, but some days I tear up randomly because I really wish my grandfather was here to see his namesake. So I can imagine wanting your mother right now must be very hard. Big hugs. She must have been a wonderful lady to be so loved and to have made you so insightful.

DolphinLover2002

Rant: my mil is the devil. She hates me with a passion because I "took away her baby boy" by marrying him. Yeah, he has a younger brother. I didn't take him away, I became part of the family. Anyways, Saturday was ds' birthday. He turned 3. She didn't call, stop by, give him a gift or card, nothing. She's only seen him once this entire year, and hasn't met the twins yet. She doesn't even attempt to see them. Then she has the nerve to contact my husband and tell him we are horrible people because we kept her from seeing him. What the hell lady, you didn't even attempt to come see him or even call him. I just cannot stand that woman. It's gotten so bad that my dh and I quit talking to her in January. We told her if she can't respect me and treat me nicely, she can just stay away. But we told her if she wants to sit down and work things out, we'd be more than happy to do so. She's chosen to alienate herself from our family and then say we refuse to let her see her grandkids. We've given her tons of chances. Is her own fault, but she always plays the victim card.

theletlers

@DolphinLover2002 I'm sorry, that really sucks!!! But I am glad that your DH is on your side in this whole situation.
I agree with you @amccoy129 I think I am jealous that MIL gets to see LO so often and my mom does not. My mom loves several hours away. I think what drives me nuts is that I make sure MIL sees LO at least once a week and she still complains that she hardly sees him.

aj1327

@virginiaunicorn11 thanks for your kind words! Losing someone is losing someone. I'm sure your grandfather would be so proud of your LO!

I'm sorry she was saying horrible things. I think I was just focused on the fact that she had her dog at the table and was acting like it was the same as having a baby. Honestly. Especially when I'm sure you would have actually liked to not have to eat one handed. I also read your post on another thread...sorry that you're dealing with so many unknowns and changes. The one constant is that nothing stays the same...at least that's what they tell me.

Next time, set a place for the dog and tell her to put the damn thing down...just like you'll put LO down once he gets head control, can eat, and use a high chair!

ETA: our pup just happened in the position. Can't believe I didn't share on a fur baby Friday one day. It always makes me laugh. This whole thing made me remember it. Sorry to take the thread off track!

LaurenAnn0405

Rant: DH got a promotion and got moved to daylight after being overnight for 7 years (which is actually a huge plus for us, having him on a normal schedule) but the downside is that MIL will have to watch the kids 1-2 days a week. Before my mom and DH switched off on mornings and afternoons but now that we'll both be working during the day it's not possible. My mom said she isn't able to do both kids 5 days a week full days but she's nervous about MIL too. My problem with MIL is that she never listens to me. This is the lady who wore black to our wedding. With DD I told her no blankets or stuffed animals in her crib when she was little. When I got home for work what did I find? Blankets and stuffed animals in the crib with DD! She has the mentality that no one can tell her what to do so even though we're telling her to do things that are best for the kids she completely ignores what we tell her. Now every time they come over DD wants to play with MIL in the backyard, which is fine. She's 3.5 so she falls sometimes when she runs but EVERY SINGLE TIME she's alone with MIL she comes back inside bleeding either from her elbows, knees, or chin. Somehow this never happens when DH, my mom, or myself watch her outside. I also worry that she will try to drive with them somewhere. She had Type 1 diabetes and doesn't take care of herself and has gone into insulin shock before, blacked out, and totaled her car. Even if we tell her not to, she won't listen. Sorry for the long rant but this whole situation is making it even harder for me to go back to work next week! I know I should be thankful for the free child care, but honestly I think the kids would be safer in daycare on those 2 days!

DolphinLover2002

Update! My mil just text my dh and I. She put 2 gifts on our doorstep for ds and drove away. After she was gone she let us know they were out there. She says we won't let her see him, but she was as sneaky as possible, so we didn't know she was here. I don't want to hear one more word from her that she doesn't get to see him.

DolphinLover2002

LaurenAnn0405 said:

Rant: DH got a promotion and got moved to daylight after being overnight for 7 years (which is actually a huge plus for us, having him on a normal schedule) but the downside is that MIL will have to watch the kids 1-2 days a week. Before my mom and DH switched off on mornings and afternoons but now that we'll both be working during the day it's not possible. My mom said she isn't able to do both kids 5 days a week full days but she's nervous about MIL too. My problem with MIL is that she never listens to me. This is the lady who wore black to our wedding. With DD I told her no blankets or stuffed animals in her crib when she was little. When I got home for work what did I find? Blankets and stuffed animals in the crib with DD! She has the mentality that no one can tell her what to do so even though we're telling her to do things that are best for the kids she completely ignores what we tell her. Now every time they come over DD wants to play with MIL in the backyard, which is fine. She's 3.5 so she falls sometimes when she runs but EVERY SINGLE TIME she's alone with MIL she comes back inside bleeding either from her elbows, knees, or chin. Somehow this never happens when DH, my mom, or myself watch her outside. I also worry that she will try to drive with them somewhere. She had Type 1 diabetes and doesn't take care of herself and has gone into insulin shock before, blacked out, and totaled her car. Even if we tell her not to, she won't listen. Sorry for the long rant but this whole situation is making it even harder for me to go back to work next week! I know I should be thankful for the free child care, but honestly I think the kids would be safer in daycare on those 2 days!

My honest opinion, try it out for a week. If you think your kids aren't getting proper treatment, it would be worth paying for daycare. My family is under clear notification that they follow our rules, or they don't babysit. I know it's free and it's family, but it's your children's well being. They come first!

MaliKaela

@LaurenAnn0405 It sounds like you just need to tell her the exact opposite of what you want!

HoosOnFirst

@LaurenAnn0405

I agree with other posters. We had relatives offer to watch LO, which would have saved us money, but we declined, to keep any drama out of it.

I realize not everyone can afford to turn down such offers (it wasn't easy for us either!) but I'd say try it out, and if it's not working, bail on the arrangement for your sanity.

mishmardhiono

DolphinLover2002 said:

LaurenAnn0405 said:

Rant: DH got a promotion and got moved to daylight after being overnight for 7 years (which is actually a huge plus for us, having him on a normal schedule) but the downside is that MIL will have to watch the kids 1-2 days a week. Before my mom and DH switched off on mornings and afternoons but now that we'll both be working during the day it's not possible. My mom said she isn't able to do both kids 5 days a week full days but she's nervous about MIL too. My problem with MIL is that she never listens to me. This is the lady who wore black to our wedding. With DD I told her no blankets or stuffed animals in her crib when she was little. When I got home for work what did I find? Blankets and stuffed animals in the crib with DD! She has the mentality that no one can tell her what to do so even though we're telling her to do things that are best for the kids she completely ignores what we tell her. Now every time they come over DD wants to play with MIL in the backyard, which is fine. She's 3.5 so she falls sometimes when she runs but EVERY SINGLE TIME she's alone with MIL she comes back inside bleeding either from her elbows, knees, or chin. Somehow this never happens when DH, my mom, or myself watch her outside. I also worry that she will try to drive with them somewhere. She had Type 1 diabetes and doesn't take care of herself and has gone into insulin shock before, blacked out, and totaled her car. Even if we tell her not to, she won't listen. Sorry for the long rant but this whole situation is making it even harder for me to go back to work next week! I know I should be thankful for the free child care, but honestly I think the kids would be safer in daycare on those 2 days!

My honest opinion, try it out for a week. If you think your kids aren't getting proper treatment, it would be worth paying for daycare. My family is under clear notification that they follow our rules, or they don't babysit. I know it's free and it's family, but it's your children's well being. They come first!

My mum has been banned from babysitting LO because she can't respect our wishes. Just because it's free please don't feel ungrateful.



It was Father's Day in Australia on Sunday, my husbands first Father's Day and he has no family in Australia so my mum decided that this Father's Day had to be all about my dad for the whole day because "he's just special". Never before has it been a big day but this year on my husbands first day she tries to ruin it for him.

I'm so over that woman, she wonders why we moving back to my husbands country and can't see that the crap she pulls has any influence on our decision.

KarasTwin

@LaurenAnn0405 I worry about that with FIL, he has diabetes and does not take care of himself at all. He almost died due to pulmonary embolism about a month before LO was born. He constantly says he's going to take LO all these places and I'm just thinking, yeah, over my dead body. He also has a Rhino (RTV for all you non rednecks) and is always talking about "rigging" it to put the car seat in....yeah, not happening buddy

LaurenAnn0405

Thanks for the replies ladies. @DolphinLover2002 that's a great idea about trying it for a week and seeing how it goes. Thankfully DH and I are in agreement about how this situation is worrisome so I know that I'll have his support. It's very frustrating that she doesn't listen to us because DD loves playing with her (partially because she lets DD do whatever she wants) and I don't want to keep her from either of the kids. My FIL is wonderful with the kids and actually listens to us so I would have no problem with him watching them but they don't have the same days off. I think I will take your advice ladies and try it out on a trial basis while keeping a daycare as a back up. @DolphinLover2002 @malikaela @hoodoll82 @mishmardhiono and @KarasTwin thank you all for your input, it's nice to get other opinions and ideas that I previously hadn't thought of before!

KaLikeAWind

My dad needs to learn the art of roll and scroll. As in 'roll your eyes and keep scrollong'. We disagree fundamentally on many points of view and he is always using fb as a propaganda platform, sharing quotes and posts and articles. I practice the roll and scroll, like I do with anybody else who posts something that I don't necessarily agree with. They're entitled to their opinion like I'm entitled to mine. However, should I share an article I find interesting, he is first in the comments telling me why the author is a liar, or ignorant, and why I, by extension of reading it, need guidance into how I'm being stupid and how the only way I am ever going to succeed and find joy in life is to think of things his way. Ugh. Thank the gods for the ability to delete any comment on any post that originates with you. Some of the things he says are pretty mean and quite derogatory toward me. Normally I wouldn't just let someone call me an delusional idiot without defending myself - disagree with my views all you want, but don't by default consider me stupid - but any defense on my part always makes him wind up more. Not even a 'hey dad, you can disagree with me but please don't call me stupid' will work. Its terrible and normally I wouldn't just erase a comment that disagrees with mine (like I said, you're entitled to your point of view and I'm entitled to mine), but with him its always easiest to just censor him. Otherwise I got this guy all up in my biz telling me how stupid I am and hating on me because I think differently. Bleh. Roll and scroll, dad. Roll and scroll

ksimo6

@mellymar - I would suggest restricting him from any posts you don't want him to comment on.  There are a few people I am friends with on my FB that are restricted from just about everything I post.  I can't delete them as friends because it will cause a war, but they don't need to have 100% access to my life either.  Check it out.  It's a handy tool!

KaLikeAWind

@ksimo6 this is a good idea. Thanks for reminding me I have this ability. Now I just have to go figure out how to use it, lol

virginiaunicorn11

MIL is here for the week, and she's pretty cool and really helpful. But she always wants to discuss nipple shields and the types she used when she was nursing DH (which is awkward enough, but we've had this conversation at least 5 times, and she doesn't seem to remember...).

And she acts like I'm a nut job because I don't let LO watch tv. She teases me when I come up and take him or distract him, when she is holding him facing the TV. Harumph!

katyertl

Rave: my mom retired to be our babysitter. Currently in my last semester of nursing school, working two jobs (very part time) and hubby works a lot too. So needless to say she's been amazing at babysitting long days and doing last minute helping too. Don't know want Id do without her! Know she loves her only grand baby but I wish I could pay her back somehow for all the help

aj1327

@virginiaunicorn11 I can relate to so many of your posts...our babies sound super similar and so does our parenting! I won't let my LO watch TV either. My in laws give me a hard time about it too. Haha

MaliKaela

@mellymar "Roll and Scroll," I love it! Your dad sounds like my dad. Lovely, right?

@virginiaunicorn11 Nipple shields with the MIL is awkward but I might have you beat... my MIL has brought up PP "intimacy" and how important it is to work on being sexually active after baby a few times. Once was before my six weeks so I wasn't even supposed to have sex yet! She also got me an entire book on the subject which she gave as a baby shower present. I can't figure out why it is so important to her to get her son laid.

virginiaunicorn11

@amccoy129 I've thought that about your posts, too!

@MaliKaela I'm blushing just reading your post. So awkward!!

MIL has been cooking and doing all the dishes and cleaning. She knows it's something I hate and a point of tension with DH. She won't let me touch a single dish. It is so sweet and thoughtful!!

karaelaine1991

We got to go home for Labor Day, which was wonderful! We spent all day Sunday with my mom's side of the family because my 85 year old grandmother, who's not in the best health, is taking a long term vacation halfway across the country to visit my uncle. No one's too pleased about it, Grandma included, but this particular uncle gets his way every time and Grandma won't say no, so we're trying to make the best of it and are hoping she comes back in a few months as planned. Anyway, we had a going away party for her and it was wonderful! I got to meet my cousin's baby, who is 2 weeks younger than LO, and spend time with relatives who I hadn't seen in months. Then we spent Monday with DH's mom, sister, and younger brother, which went pretty well, especially considering that we haven't been on good terms with the brother (long story short, he's 18 and thinks that means he can do whatever he wants and can treat people however he wants. It doesn't.) But anyway, yay for a good family weekend and yay for another one this weekend since LO is getting baptized!

KarasTwin

LO and I are at the beach with my parents, sister, BIL, and niece. I love my niece to death, but she just turned 2 and is a little bit spoiled. She was the first grandchild on that side and everyone caters to her. The never made her learn to sleep through noise, so we all have to be deathly quiet when she naps or they are putting her down for a nap or at night. I don't know how LO will be, but I hole by 2 he'll go to bed on his own. Since LO and I didn't know we would be coming till a couple weeks before the trip, we are sleeping in the 3rd bedroom of the condo which has 2 twin beds. I'm in one and LO is in his pack n play. My niece is in the other twin bed. At night I have to wait till she is good and asleep before I can put him down. But God forbid I'm trying to let him nap or sleep, they let her push his swing really hard or shake his pack n play. When I'm trying to soothe him she runs around screaming and scaring him. She's obsessed with shaking his bottles and they will take his bottle out of his mouth if they're feeding him to let her shake it even if he's screaming. I know she can't help it, she's a little girl, but they really let her do whatever she wants and it's driving me crazy.

klkonwi

^^^^ not okay.

I went to my friends recently and her 2.5 yr old kept grabbing LO bottle and sticking it in his mouth...... She just laughed.
Disgusting. That's my breast milk.

KarasTwin

@klkonwi ewwwww. I know she just wants to help, my mom keeps her and she's going to keep him a couple days a week and they talked to her about helping and she is a very literal child so she is always saying, No! Rylee do it!

Sammy K

@KarasTwin Some things you can't help a 2 yo from doing, but most of that behavior is not ok. Or at least preventable. Can you talk to her? Talking to a toddler that age like she's an adult can be surprisingly effective (if they're calm) and doesn't usually draw the parents' wrath since it's not disciplining. Like "Rylee, LO is really hungry right now, so if you shake the bottle, he will get upset. After he's done eating, would you like to help me rinse the bottle?" And then let her shake water in the bottle to her heart's content.

KarasTwin

@Sammy K yes, I actually do that with her, sometimes they act shocked when she responds to me talking to her like that. She's a super sweet and smart kid, I just love her to pieces, but I worry that my mom won't be able to handle her and LO at the same time

Sammy K

KarasTwin said:

@Sammy K yes, I actually do that with her, sometimes they act shocked when she responds to me talking to her like that. She's a super sweet and smart kid, I just love her to pieces, but I worry that my mom won't be able to handle her and LO at the same time

2 year olds are tough. Think of it like a built-in older sibling. Your LO will be much more adaptable if he has to deal with her shenanigans from this age.

KarasTwin

Sammy K said:

KarasTwin said:

@Sammy K yes, I actually do that with her, sometimes they act shocked when she responds to me talking to her like that. She's a super sweet and smart kid, I just love her to pieces, but I worry that my mom won't be able to handle her and LO at the same time

2 year olds are tough. Think of it like a built-in older sibling. Your LO will be much more adaptable if he has to deal with her shenanigans from this age.

Yes, definitely good for both of them!

virginiaunicorn11

MIL brought gifts from her friends who we don't even know, which is super sweet. Some are baby washcloths that she's been dying to use, but she knows we prefer to wash things before using them on the baby (call me crazy...).

We don't have laundry in the apartment, so we haven't had a chance to wash them yet. Last night she couldn't take it any more, so during LO's bath, she asked if she could use them if she rinsed them out really well first. I said sure.

She literally runs out of the room (can't fault her enthusiasm for LO!), and before I have a chance to say anything, she starts rinsing them and wringing them out IN THE BABY'S BATH!

I was kind of stunned for a second and just burst out laughing. The lady is so sweet, but is soooo spacey sometimes.

She was holding LO (who obviously cannot sit up on his own yet), and she let him go, so he was face planting on her lap. MIL cracked up and said, "Look, he's just all bent over! I guess he just likes that pose!"

Umm... what? How do you not realize he didn't put himself in that position, you're just not holding him up??!

Her cluelessness is fascinating. She's dying to be alone with LO, but I keep sending DH after them to supervise. Maybe I'm being overprotective?

mindaa

Welp... I just sent the grandmas an e-mail about safely posting kid pictures Online. Mostly for MIL, who insists on hashtagging baby pics with LO's full name. (#stoptryingsohardlady) Might as well create good habits now. 

Fortunately DH backs me up, but I really had to do some research and question whether I really had a valid reason for concern, or if I was just trying to be controlling.

katyertl

I've said it before but I really don't understand how our parents haven't killed us or their other children. The things our moms and dads say to us about our baby really make us wonder how we are still alive.

theletlers

@virginiaunicorn11 I actually sent my DH after the MIL yesterday. It was my birthday and we went out to breakfast with my MIL and DH's grandma. My LO in general does not respond well to mil. She kept trying to rock and snuggle him at the restaurant when he clearly was wanting to look out and play. So she starts walking out of the restaurant with my baby. I said please don't I can take him and she says no enjoy your food and just leaves. I pretty immediately told DH go with her now. In the car I told him if she pulls a stunt like that again she will get a very different response from me. You don't take someone else's baby...

addingon

mindaa said:

Welp... I just sent the grandmas an e-mail about safely posting kid pictures Online. Mostly for MIL, who insists on hashtagging baby pics with LO's full name. (#stoptryingsohardlady) Might as well create good habits now. 

Fortunately DH backs me up, but I really had to do some research and question whether I really had a valid reason for concern, or if I was just trying to be controlling.

My sister in law hashtags our daughters pictures with first and middle name. It bothers me for many reasons I shall not get into, but mostly I feel like I don't need all her friends knowing every little thing about us. Her middle name is very special to me - it's after my grandmother (not hers) so it doesn't make sense to think she's attached to it that way. But is it also an identity risk maybe? I hadn't thought too much about it but that may be a good reason to sort of shut her down.

MaliKaela

@katyertl I hear ya! And then you get the comments like, "I did raise children of my own, you know." Um.. exactly. Now it's OUR turn to raise OUR child!

virginiaunicorn11

I have taken to finding an excuse to leave the room when I pass LO to MIL. Because I don't think she's actually going to harm him. She just does things differently enough, and I guess I'm more over-protective than I realized. I don't want to annoy her, or allow myself to be a hovering parent. (I let DH play that role for me!) And mostly, I can't bear to watch what she does!!

Two more days. I'm mad at myself because I used to like MIL so much. I need to cut her some slack.