Failed VBAC - but a renewed sense of strength and self worth

Wering

I had pretty openly discussed on this board that I was trying to VBAC my baby - to attain a "healing birth" to make up for how cheated and guilty I felt over my unnecessary csection with my first daughter. (Failed induction at 39 weeks due to "big baby" that was called after one round of cervadil and 8 hours of Pitocin. I never felt a contraction. My doctor told me after 8 hours of Pitocin that I'd never go into labor. I was exceptionally depressed about my csection and felt like an extreme failure as a result.)

My biggest fear was that I was not going to be able to go into labor based on the thought that was planted in my head from the OB I had with my first daughter. My due date came and went. I knew I had until September 8th (very liberal doctor this time!) which was 42.5 weeks to go into labor, but was exceptionally discouraged when my cervix was still unfavorable last Wednesday. I had hoped he could strip my membranes to see if it worked, and he said he wouldn't strip them because I just wasn't favorable for it. Again, I started to doubt my body. Every night I would go to sleep and try to put myself into a positive frame of mind to renew my strength. Well - I actually did go into labor Friday night (41 weeks exactly) ON MY OWN. Unfortunately, I did not achieve my VBAC - she decided to descend ear first rather than crown first and despite five hours of trying to reposition her, it just wasn't working. So I did end up with another csection.

Despite how broken I felt after my first csection, I have to confess - even though I had a csection with this baby, I found my power in her birth. I did my research and put myself with the best doctor I could find to give my body a chance to work (unlike the doctor who told me I'd never go into labor on my own and a csection was my only option), I gave myself TIME to go into labor and did not cave at the first sign I wouldn't have the baby on my due date. I trusted my body. And in return - my body put itself into labor. I was able to labor at home /out of the hospital with my husband for nearly 21 hours from first contraction to the time my husband finally said "It's time," and wouldn't let me convince him otherwise. When I arrived at the ER, I thought I was only at a 4 or 5 based on how I'd been able to walk through the contractions and wasn't even considering drugs (even though my goal was med-free, I wasn't so sure I wouldn't cave!). When they checked me? I was a 9.5 with a bulging bag of water that broke the minute my doctor checked me. And I did that ON MY OWN! When we couldn't get to 10 because of a small lip, they let me try pushing to see if we could get past it. Unfortunately, she just couldn't straighten her head out to get me that 10 and get her out safely. And even though I'm recovering from a second csection, I got my "experience." I promised myself and my husband that I would VBAC to the point it was not safe for me or baby - and it's amazing how as soon as that time came, I gave it all to God and did what was best for us without a second thought.

I am proud to focus on allowing my body - and my baby - to determine what day she would be born rather than a doctor's calendar. I am proud to focus on my ability to go 27 hours through labor (including some pretty bad back labor once they started Pitocin to try to get her to move) without an epidural or other medications. I am proud that I was able to experience pushing, even if it was not effective at delivering my baby. I AM PROUD.

What a difference between this birth and my first. I now understand what people mean by a "healing birth," even though I ended up with the same outcome for both births. The journey was so much different - so much better.

If you're still trying to VBAC, have faith in your body. Trust yourself. Despite my "failure" - I am a success.

april&aaron

Congrats on an empowering CBAC!!  You are a success.  And congrats on a new baby too!  

nosoup4u

So glad you were able to make so many decisions for your second birth! Congrats on the new little one!

OrangeBliss

Congratulations! I'm so glad that you and your baby are doing well. I'm extremely thankful that you had an empowering birth even if it wasn't a VBAC. It sounds like you have a wonderful attitude. I hope I can be like you in a few months with my VBAC attempt.

cg0112358

My first VBAC attempt ended in a c/s as well but, like you, it was healing for me as well. The chance to get to experience labor and pushing was amazing even though it ended differently than I would have preferred. Fwiw, I just had a successful VBA2C 2 years after my failed VBAC. If you decide to have another you can always give it another shot

Pontot31

Thank you for this story. Good job mama! You are strong!

helsbels222

Thank you for sharing your amazing story. You are so inspirational and really, it's always about the journey and not the outcome. Congratulations!

kakecampbell123

Thank you for this story. I am pregnant with my second and going to attempt VBAC. The birth of my first left me with a long emotional recovery and I felt cheated in every way. I hope to be successful this time but if not I hope to have a positive attitude like you

fishwife799

What an amazing story! I'm so glad you had your healing birth. Congrats