May 2015 Moms

Unbiased in-law advice needed

ok ladies, I need unbiased advice. I've been struggling with my in-laws for over 10 years. It has gotten progressively worse since I got pregnant and had my baby. I could go on and on about stories of what they have done, but long story short - they are rude and hateful and disrespectful to me. I have extreme anxiety when I am around them. After the last episode with them, my husband promised me a 2 month break from seeing them. If it was up to me I would never see them again.

My husband feels stuck in the middle, which upsets me because I feel like he should be on my side. I just cannot put myself in his shoes. They continuously put my husband in a bad spot. This weekend for example my husband has told them 3 times that it's not a good time to come over. They keep asking everyday and even drove the hour to our house today despite him telling them it's not a good day. When they got to town and called he reiterated its not a good day. They said they would call back in a few hours. I've told my husband that he needs to stand firm because he's already told them multiple times. He is now mad at me and said he would just rather get the visit out of the way so the problem goes away. To me, it's like letting the in-laws win. They learn that if they keep asking and ignoring what we say, then they get their way. My husband doesn't see it that way. What do you think?

Re: Unbiased in-law advice needed

  • Our situations are smiliar, I have a very strained relationship with my inlaws and could go on and on about how poorly they treat me and I am tired of always giving in and being the good guy. I just try to remember as terrible as I think they are they are still DH family and it isn't an easy place for him to be and it can't be fun hearing bad things about your family so I try not to vent to him ( I don't always succeed though). Your husbands approach sounds like exactly what my husband would say.... I feel your pain I really do but what I keep trying to remember is these are my LO grandparents and aunts and uncles and I don't want my feelings to affect her feelings.
    Just recently my mom opened up to me about how much tension was between her and her inlaws and that was the first time in my 27 years I ever knew how bad things were between them. My mom just always let us love our grandparents and let us develop our own opinions about them as we grew up.
  • I agree - I think you need to stand your ground together. Good luck.
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  • ldmwldmw member
    Thanks. We had a good talk and I feel so bad for my husband who is repeatedly disrespected by his parents. I can't imagine how someone could treat their child like that. He is going to talk to them soon and decide after that if he will keep fighting, if it gets better, or strain the relationship permanently
  • These are your husband's family. Keep that in mind. They need to treat you better but you need to be open minded as well. Granted, you aren't telling all the back stories so maybe you have tried.
    If they are going to be in your life, when they ask to come over and it's not a good time, give another option that would be better. You are definitely putting your husband in the middle. And it shouldn't be about winning. "They win." This should not be about winning. It's about family. If they are that terrible, then maybe they don't need to be in your lives but that's a mutual decision with your husband. It is his family.

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  • ldmwldmw member
    Unfortunately I have tried for over 10 years. If they weren't his family they wouldn't deserve to be in my life. I have stories that are way worse than today. I only mentioned today because that's what is happening at the moment. Today's story is not nearly as bad as some others they have done.

    I recognize that they are my husband's family. But I don't see how I'm putting him in the middle. I have feelings here also and have been hurt tremendously by them. If they weren't family they wouldn't be in my life because they don't deserve to be. I have sucked it up for so long for my husband's sake.

    Unfortunately some of us are dealt a bad hand when it comes to in-laws. Winning probably wasn't the right word choice. What I meant was that if my husband let them come over today despite telling them 3 times it didn't work out then they would learn that they don't have to respect him.
  • Let them over but dont let them hold the baby....has to light up a fire then say you told them it was not a good time
  • ldmwldmw member
    @odawg we did that last time and it did not turn out well. I was the one who ended up in tears after being cornered and told repeatedly what I needed to do all while I was holding my baby.
  • Idk of this would help but my mom did not get along with with my dads family, so after one incident she told my dad that if liked the way they treated her and my mother doesnt let it slide she talks back and since then my mother never visited them and they would come on days my mother said it was ok. My dad would take us to go visit them but without our mom and once we could say what was on our mind. My brothers and i never put it together why mom wouldnt go because she said she had to work those days so it didnt affect our relationship with my dads family and after like 5 years give or take my mother would go visit them with us every once in a while and now she gets along just fine as long as they dont push it which she lets them know.
    ldmw
  • I'm a firm believer in creating very clear boundaries with in-laws, but I agree with PP that in doing so, you need to provide an alternative.  They might just keep pushing because they've decided this is the only way to get a chance to see the kiddo.  It's not okay and is very rude, but I would just squash it by offering specific alternative times for them to come that works well for you.  And maybe instead of coming to your house, you guys could meet them somewhere in public where you could easily escape, if they're people who tend to hang out too long. 

    DH and his brothers used to let their dad just kind of walk all over them with visits on his schedule because it was simply easier than dealing with his temper tantrums.  I refused to play that game and helped DH figure out appropriate boundaries we were both comfortable with (started with him emailing his dad about plans, so it was easier for him to be crystal-clear and check it over multiple times), and now his dad is amazing about it.  But a big part of getting there was being firm that no meant no, and if he bugged DH enough, it wasn't going to change! 
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