talk to me about multiples-mom guilt

EmJ628

FTM here with 6wk twin boys. I adore them both but of course we have one fussy colicky boy and one laid bad boy. Especially when I am handling them by myself, I am starting to feel so guilty because I set the laid back one down so quickly so I can deal with the screaming colicky one. I hold the colicky baby way way more then the laid back one and I worry he is going to end up somehow 'damaged' haha because I didn't cuddle him enough - I know crazy new mom brain. And I worry that my husband is going to like the laid back kid more because the fussy one is so much work and just not enjoyable right now. We are working with our doc to try to figure out what is making him so fussy and I know this stage will pass and I will get better at managing two at once. I guess I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head. I don't have any friends with twins so can't commiserate with anyone IRL.

blairdavis99

Congrats mama! I hear ya! It's impossible not to feel as if you are giving more attention to one than the other at various points. I think it naturally evens out over time, though. My DS is often more awake & commands more attention during the day but come night time, DD is the boss! As they get older, their personalities emerge more and you will find more ways to bond separately with each of them. And since they will be twins their whole life, understanding that they are part of the family & not the center of it comes a lot earlier, I imagine. My DH shys away from DD at night, too, since she is a bit of a handful but I am firm on the fact that we switch who does who's nighttime routine every other night to make sure he stays involved (and lighten my load a bit). He is actually getting much better with her the more he does it. So hang in there, do your best & try not to feel guilty! I'm sure you are doing a great job!

1krazykitty

I remember having the exact same fear with my first set of twins, one was also colicky. The mommy guilt is totally normal, just remember you are in survival phase and it won't be like this forever, it will pass and you will be able to spread more love. It also wont effect your relationship with him at all. His needs are being met, if they weren't he'd be more fussy! 

hayleydeee

I had the very same situation, and it did indeed pass! It seems like a lifetime ago now.  I's funny because now, 3.5 years later, they've completely reversed rolls. My colicky newborn has become my cooperative preschooler, and his "laid back" brother is now more of a challenge (behaviorally). 

You're only one person, and they are two... and you can only do as much as you can. You're tying, you love them, and they will (both) know that. Hang in there mama, you're doing a great job!

twinmom3221

I also had the same situation. Your husband will love both boys the same .... It is impossible to love one more than the other! I'm not going to lie, the first year is rough - try to jot things down you want to remember or take a lot of pictures - I swear I remember 10% of that first year. The second year is better so far but there are still and always will be challenges. Hang in there mama!

EmJ628

Thank you everyone!!! We got them both on reflux meds and lactase drops for the fussy one and they (not coincidentally?) started sleeping Longer stretches at night- and I feel I am getting my sanity back! Thank you for the encouraging words