Justifying my feelings... — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Justifying my feelings...


We dealt with infertility concieving DS and were terrified we'd have to go through all of that again. We were more than thrilled when we got pregnant on our first cycle with this pregnancy. The thought never even crossed my mind that something could go wrong, that I wouldn't get to hold my baby in April. We went for my first appointment last Wednesday. I should have been 6w4d. I am positive with my dates as I was temping and charting so I know when I O'd.  With DS, we saw a heart beat at 6w1d, however, this time there was only a yolk sac measuring 5w5d. I was told to come back in a week to see if there was any growth and not to give up hope. I just know in my heart that we won't find anything tomorrow, I am too sure on my dates for it to be almost a week off.

 Anyway, I've been a wreck this past week but the worst part is the timing of it all. DS's 1st birthday is on Thursday with a big birthday party on Saturday. I feel like a terrible mom that I'm so sad and depessed right now, that I'm not giving DS "enough." How can I act okay when my heart is absolutely breaking? There are times that I already feel like I've moved on and I'm doing okay, then BAM...sobbing uncontrollably. Part of me is thankful that this is happening so early in the pregnancy that we hadn't told many people yet and we never saw a heart beat.  Is it so bad to just want to move on? But then I feel bad that I'm not giving this baby the love and time that it deserves. I've been spotting for a couple of days, I just want it to happen sooner rather than later...I hate that I'll always associate DS's birthday with this...ugh. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I've talked with DH about my feelings but he just doesn't quite get it. Thanks for letting me vent. This sucks. 

TTC #1 Since October 2012
DX PCOS May 2013
Clomid 50-150mg- No Response
Moved to RE October 2013
Nov. 2013: IUI #1 Letrozole + Ovidrel = BFN
Dec. 2013: IUI #2 Letrozole + Ovidrel= BFP on 1/8/2014 !! EDD 9/17/2014
Beta #1 (12 dpo): HCG 27, Progesterone 15 (starting on supplements)
Beta #2 (15 dpo): HCG 297, Progesterone 29
Beta #3 (17 dpo): HCG 667, Progesterone 34
1st Ultrasound 1/28 (6 weeks + 1) Baby measuring exactly as it should, HB 118!
2nd Ultrasound 2/5 Baby measuring 7w4d, HB 133. Everything looks perfect!
3rd Ultrasound 4/29 (A/S) Our Baby BOY is measuring perfectly and everything looked great! HB160
Diagnosed with Pre-E at 36 weeks, placed on bed rest, induction schedule for 37 weeks. 

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

BFP #2 on 7/30/15 EDD 4/7/16 MC @ 9 weeks
BFP #3 on 7/23/16 EDD 3/30/16

Re: Justifying my feelings...

  • Take care of yourself sweet girl, regardless of the outcome. Will be thinking of you. Enjoy your LO's birthday as much as you can - you'll never be able to get this time back. Hugs.
  • The birthday is hard but try and remember that little blessing was given to you one year ago! I understand it though both my DS and DD just had their bdays and I was happy to celebrate but I was also thinking about the birthday I would never get to celebrate. I hope that you get a little miracle tomorrow but if not just know you are not alone. This forum is a wonderful support. Whenever I feel like I need to vent I come here and there are people who completely understand.
  • Aww! I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I hope everything works out for the best and you get to fulfill your LO day with much love, joy, and excitement.
  • I think it is a defense for those of us that have struggled with fertility or had a loss to prepare for the worst. However, there is still hope for your pregnancy. I went for my first appointment at what should have been 6w3d based off of OPK, but baby only measured 5w5d. I went back a week later and baby was measuring a few days closer to what I thought I should be and had a strong heartbeat. I really hope you get good news tomorrow. If not, remember your son is only going to turn one once, so try to enjoy every moment and celebrate the life you have. Then, after he is celebrated, you can mourn this little one if you need to. That wording seems weird, but I hope you get what I am saying. I know it is easier said than done, I feel like I have pushed DD away so many times feeling sorry for myself and I constantly have to remind myself to be thankful for the beautiful healthy little girl I have. I will always keep my baby's memory alive even if he/she was never in my arms. DD and her other siblings will always know they have an angel sibling in heaven. I hope you get good news tomorrow and have two things to celebrate this weekend. Keep us updated!
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