Issue with baby shower dates.

mcongdon18

I really want to know if me and my SO are stepping on Ettiqute here. My MIL has a extremely controlling side, it's like a 24/7 side. she offered to throw us a shower awhile back even though this baby was an oops. Well her first set of dates, she wanted and thought was best was thanksgiving weekend. So and I talked it over and said that we just think that will be hard for all of his friends to come being a lot of people go out of town. She kinda got annoyed but said ok, then she wanted the nov 7th and we had said perfect, well now she said the weather in November might be iffy, but if anything.... We can do a baby shower in her garage :-/ . So then she said it's just too iffy and wanted October 24th, well SO works every other weekend and that will be a weekend he's working and his friends from the crew are working..So then she had the balls to ask if she could take my moms shower date because SO isn't apart of that shower, which I firmly said no because she knows we have invites, date set with restaurant and he IS apart of my moms shower. So THEN she says that she had saved all of October to plan a shower, so I said ok..... How about October 3rd and apparently that won't work because that's her friends daughters baby shower date and none of her friends will be able to come :-/. She finally got upset but said fine to the other November date, and said we best pray for good weather....am I being rude here? I'm at the point where I don't even want a baby shower from her. It seems like if it's not her first choice or inconveniencing someone else... Like changing my moms shower date. Then it just won't work for her. Is it rude to politely say thanks but no thanks? What's the Ettiqute here? Or best way to go about this.

VOR

From what I see, you've done nothing wrong here.  She's run dates by you, you've had valid reasons for saying "no".  She needs to get over it.  And she won't use Nov 7th because ALL of Nov is bad weather? I think the 7th is a much better bet than Thanksgiving weekend!  Lordy. 

And if you really want to say "thanks but no thanks", you can. 

mcongdon18

@VOR it just seems like all her dates have been November but once we agree on a November date all the sudden it doesn't work because of weather. Keep in mind, we live in a sunshine state, the weather is same year round. It just seems like she wants holidays or my moms shower date or it doesn't work. I'm sure if we go through with it it, come back and bite me In the butt. She asked what I wanted at the shower, I told her I'm super easy going, but I do like the quirky baby shower games, a few might be fun. She quickly said oh no, there were 60 people at BIL and SIL shower, that just won't happen. Keep in mind we'll have maybe 15 friends of SO and most will be her church clique.

VOR

Sigh.  Aside from the date, I'd just say "Whatever you think is best, MIL" with a smile.  Why does she even ask you if she's going to shoot down what you say?

 if she brings up the dates again and tries to talk you into a holiday or your mom's day, stand firm and just say "I've already stated those dates won't work. Everything else is open." period.  And repeat.  Don't argue, don't explain the reasons WHY they won't work (i.e. don't give her any loopholes that she'll try and argue through).  Just state "I've already told you those dates won't work". 
 
And if she REALLY just doesn't let up, I think your DH needs to step in and help you navigate his mom.You shouldn't have to be handling htis on your own.

satuttle1014

She is worried about bad weather in Nov? She can't control that and it's not like you are having it outside unless you live in a tropical climate like Florida or something. I say the Nov 7th date, and definitely not Thanksgiving weekend, nobody will be able to come. I'm doing either Nov 7th as well or Nov 14th so there is more of a chance of people coming and avoiding beginning of Dec due to possible holiday work parties. 

I don't think you are being rude, she is not thinking this all the way through. You are thinking realistically and as PP said if she doesn't budge or listen to what you have to say have your DH step in a navigate a conversation where she understands. Also, you can't pick a date if certain people (aka her friends) cannot make it. You pick a date you can do and then whoever can come, will come. Dates are so hard because you don't know what schedules are like, worry about you and that's all you can do.

Sassenach1743

It really sounds like she doesn't even want to throw this shower... but thinks she has to in order to "be in control," and maybe even compete with your mother. I would probably bow out gracefully before it becomes a disaster. Good luck

neverblushed

Yeah, don't engage in so much back and forth with her over it.  Just tell her which dates DO work for you and let her pick the one that's best for her.

ashhsa

It does sound like you are not going to please her, perhaps just ask her directly why there seems to be an issue? As nicely as possible, of course!